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Man enters a McDonalds with a bloody knife in his back, did not get fries with that.

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So, nobody's gonna say anything about this guy's Gilligan's Island bucket hat? (via CBS)

A man walks into a McDonalds in Jamaica, Queens with a bloody knife sticking out of his back... stop me if you've heard this one. 

Witness Tromaine Yancey was in the McDonalds being interviewed for a job when the stabbing victim came in.

"Everybody was screaming, there was a lot of commotion," he told CBS.

Yancey said the man, whom police described as being in his 50s, and whom everyone else will describe as "that guy with the knife in his back," was on the phone when he walked in. 

These other guys don't seem to give a fuck, either.

"I’m pretty sure he was on the phone talking to somebody in his family or a loved one or something, he was talking to them and telling them it might be the last time he’s speaking to them. It was shocking to me because he was still standing there with the knife in his back," Yancey said. "He was bleeding a lot." 

At some point the man fell on the floor and patrons were trying to make sure that he didn't fall on his back.

The man was eventually rushed to Jamaica Hospital in serious condition.

Witnesses say that the stabbing was the result of a fight that happened Monday. Police are looking for two men they believe to be involved. 

No word yet on whether Tromaine Yancey got the job. We're pulling for you!

(by Myka Fox)


Teacher's pet peeve.

Sure thing.

A hilarious but cruel trick to play on a friend while she's eating ice cream.

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That's a good look.

Wondering how to chase someone's cup of soft-serve with a little shot of esophageal ruin? The caption on this instructional Vine from Lauren Lavoie reads, simply, "Tapped the brakes." Be sure and use headphones so nothing gets between you and that extremely intimate sound.

That's all it takes to inspire the signature noise of someone who just stopped having a good time (or, someone who just started having a great time). 

Checking out the rest of Lauren's feed, it seems like she and (sister?) Joanne Lavoie are big into the guttural noise genre of Vine-making, as per this earlier one:

Charming.

(by Bob Powers)

Someone edited all the greatest catchphrases in TV history into one video.

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You mean 'blurgh' wasn't something we always said?

When editor Robert Jones released Part 1 of this compilation 3 weeks ago, I wrote about it and said how disappointed I was that Clay Davis saying "Sheeeeeeit" didn't make the cut. Now I'm only disappointed that they didn't include it ten different times. 

Whoah. Larry from Newhart is also the True Blood sheriff and the Deadwood inkeeper? 

I was worried that Jones and Tastefully Offensive had already milked all the best catchphrases in the first part, but I think this one may be even better. The only thing I didn't like was how viscerally each and every show yanked me back into my childhood. This video is less a trip down memory lane than a plummet down memory elevator shaft. In the good way. Check out part one here:

Now they only need another 98 of these compilations to enter syndication.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Killer whale almost tips over a kayaker, leaves without saying goodbye.

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Freer Willy. (via YouTube)

After seeing Blackfish, nothing makes me happier than seeing an orca in the wild. Especially if I am not in the wild with it. 

Louis Jobidon was Kayaking in Fort Cove,  B.C. Canada when he spotted and began filming a killer whale breaching in the distance. Little did he know that the killer had a friend swimming right underneath him that nearly tipped him over. The giant mammal breaches, takes another turn under the kayak before breaching again, and then goes on his way.

Typical to the notorious Canadian temper, Jobidon delivered a very serious threat to the monster dolphin, "Woah. Easy there, buddy."

And then, just like that, he's gone.

(by Myka Fox)

This bootleg 'True Detective' DVD cover reminds us of all the things we loved about the show.

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"You don't f**k with the Yellow King, muchacho!"

It's been a few months now since we all experienced HBO's groundbreaking neo-noir series True Detective together, so it only stands to reason that its details aren't particularly fresh in our minds. But, man! This amazing bootleg DVD cover just brings all the best moments rushing right back, doesn't it?

Like, remember that big scene in which Rust and Marty chase Reggie Ledoux through the twining backwoods of the Las Vegasstrip? That was almost as mind-blowing as when Matthew McConaughey re-created the classic Brad Pitt walks with shotgun scene from Killing Them Softly. So meta! And the explosions! So many explosions! It's hard to believe any show could have so much "full frontal action"!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Test your online attention span with this eye-opening video.

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Welcome to the longest three minutes of your life.

I've never completed a marathon. I've never even started one. But if the sense of accomplishment one gets after running 26.2 miles feels anything like how I felt after watching this entire 3-minute video, it must be pretty satisfying.

The clip titled I Dare You To Watch This Video appears to be making the point that the ever-increasing online competition for our eyes, ears and minds has left us all with the attention span of a spider monkey.

Think you're up for the 3-minute challenge? I'll even do it with you. Close any other windows in your browser and get in a comfortable position. In 3, 2, 1... Go for it!

Whoa! That felt good, right? I actually started cramping around the 90-second mark. And my mind definitely drifted a few times. But knowing that we were in this together helped me fight through the pain, focus on the goal, and finish what we'd started together.

I'm so pumped right now I feel like I could run a marathon. Or at least challenge myself to a six-minute video.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


A visibly irritated Jerry Seinfeld answers your questions about Internet etiquette.

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Seinfeld taught me that if someone posts about a dead relative on Facebook,
it's OK to ask if their apartment is on Craigslist.

Wired magazine has been covering Internet etiquette since people still used the word "netizen" without irony. How long ago was that? Around the time that Seinfeld was on the air, and I'm not talking about the later years. Everyone knows that when people think of the Internet from that time period, they think of the small Macintosh computer Jerry had in his apartment that virtually never got turned on. 

So obviously, Jerry Seinfeld was the man that Wired turned to to answer the people's questions about how to behave online. That's why these Internet tips are so timely and sensible, and why Jerry doesn't seem at all irritated that the rest of humanity is still trying to interact with him. Incidentally, I heard his next project is called "Comedians on Spaceships Leaving Earth Because It Sucks Here."

(by Johnny McNulty)

Worthwhile.

Want to be topless in public this summer without going to prison? This nipple bikini is for you.

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Scandalous. Dye that fabric beige immediately, before the children see. (Via Instagram)

Pissed off that according to Instagram and local laws, men's nipples get to streak free in the hot summer sun while your lady-nipples are forced to hide away in shame, sweating and wilting under a piece of fabric? Kind of feel like if you can't expose your nips, you should at least expose the hypocrisy that's making you keep them under wraps? Dude, strap on a TaTa Top.


Billed as "The breast bikini ever," the TaTa Top was designed by Robyn Graves and Michelle Lytle after hearing the story of two women visiting Chicago from Amsterdam who were forbidden to swim in Lake Michigan in their customary no-problem-in-Europe bathing suits (bottoms, no tops). Per the site's blog:

For whatever reason, at that moment, my reaction to the story was anything but acceptance. I don’t know if it was because this was the first time it had been presented to me in that way or if this came at a time when I had been on a real kick with challenging authority and societal norms...Whatever the reason it really hit me. Why not? Why can’t girls be topless? If you really think about it, what’s the difference between a man’s nipples and a woman’s? Is it really just the extra breast tissue? ...look at this situation as if you were explaining it to an alien who newly arrived on Earth. Explain why women have to cover up their chests, but not men. What reason would you give?

I'd personally blame the Illuminati but that's just how I get out of conversations. The irritation at this double standard planted a seed, a seed that eventually sprouted into a bikini top with nipples printed on the cups.


Graves and Lytle are encouraging TaTa Toppers to Instagram themselves in states of illusory nudity with the hashtag #TheTaTatop. This should make the job of Instagram censors combing feeds for #FreeTheNipple activists flouting the no-nudity rule a lot more difficult. Many are joining the cause, including some dudes.


The whole thing seems like the perfect premise for another Footloose remake, except instead of dancing, the town banned nips? Okay, maybe it's the perfect premise for a remake of whatever softcore porn parodies of Footloose there might be out there (they have to be out there!).

While so far only white chicks can go TaTa Topless, other shades are in development.


You can buy your own here. Be a part of history! A history that includes that one summer when you pretended your nips were out!

(by Bob Powers)

Some French bulldogs show off their dancing skills for their human baby friend.

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Dance like nobody's watching, except for
a baby, and also you're a French bulldog. 

What are the two things that everybody in the world loves plus one thing that a decent-sized percentage of people can at least tolerate? If you said "French bulldogs," "babies" and "electronic dance music," then this is definitely the video for you! 

Do yourself a favor and watch this video a couple more times before you read the YouTube comments. Once you see people pointing out that these dogs are almost certainly just scratching their buttholes, some of the magic might dissipate. 

Oh, also, don't read the paragraph above this one.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This guy aired a commercial during the world cup to propose to his girlfriend.

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That's our house! (via YouTube)

Nick Bastress spent seven months preparing a commercial to propose to his girlfriend Nicole during the world cup. Seven months. Here's his proposal that aired during the USA vs Portugal game. 

He made her wait seven months for that, which is fair when you learn that she made him wait a year before agreeing to go out with him to begin with. 

How did she react to the commercial? Bastress expected tears -- he says Nicole will usually cry at anything -- but when she saw his commercial she was in too much shock.  You can watch: 

They have a romantic hearts-and-flowers website where you can read all about how Nick pinpointed Nicole as the hottest girl in his class, and his subsequent pursuit of her. That's where you can also find out about the fabulous Bora Bora honeymoon they have planned but cant afford. Maybe she was shocked he spent all of their honeymoon money on a proposal commercial. Nick worked at Time Warner, so hopefully he got some kind of employee discount when he bought the air-time.

But don't worry, you can give them all the money you planned to spend on your much less love-filled vacation here though their paypal account.

(by Myka Fox)

Unbearable whiteness of being.

Working vacation.


A collection of Facebook status updates posted at wildly inappropriate moments.

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Well, he got the hashtags right, but I don't think a snap PSA will get you off in court.

Sometimes "TMI" can stand for "Too Much Immediacy." It's not that we don't want to be informed that a friend is masturbating / on the toilet / performing brain surgery / all of the above. We just worry that by trying to share it with us while in the moment, they're not savoring the moment as much as it can be savored. These Facebook users exemplify the growing spirit of real-time overshare, refusing to wait even five seconds before updating their status with the most private, unnecessary, and occasionally disgusting details of the life they're living right now. 


This guy is both ignorant about sex and under-excited to be the next Joseph & Mary.


I know it's really hard to get an anal bleaching appointment after work, but don't brag.


C'mon, Lisa. Let us share the joy of laughing at Sean.


Come down to Rickki's Brothel, we've got the best Local Business in town.


I don't know what's worse, going 90mph to pick up a kid, or the word choice here.

Updated 4/11/14:


Ironically, the person who realizes it shouldn't be on Facebook is also the most illiterate.


lmaoo: "Laughing my ass off ohmigodIdidn'tseethatturn!"


He/she totally did that.


That's a very specific amount of screaming to promise.


I don't approve of sharing people's sex tapes, but: I now know who Helene Fischer is.

Updated 4/11/14:


"I don't get it, the shot clock still has 10 seconds...so, why do I hear a horn?" 


Drunk driving because no one answered your call is a new passive-aggressive record.
 


Hard to say who is dumber, the guy who posted for "sinthetic" or the person who thought
it would be possible to reason with him.

 


What are you doing making a simple update? That's a Facebook Milestone right there.
 


Is it just me, or did no one call 911 before posting to Facebook?
 


I hope this isn't the prequel to the bagged lunch one two photos up.

Updated 3/13/14:


Probably made someone's heart rate go up, that's for sure. (via Failbook)
 


You're right about the second half of that. (via reddit)
 


I hope that other guy didn't Google that while driving.(via)
 


I'd say by not embarrassing him in front of everyone, but hey, what do I know? (via Lamebook)
 


I'm going to say "a.) Henry Clay and b.) all of them." (via)
 


Whoah, what do you think this is, LinkedIn?(via)

 
This kid is ready to work in cable news.
(via)

Also, just a reminder that it usually sounds pretty stupid to describe your small problems as a disaster:

Your Facebook complaints are all that stands between civilization and buying Fascism.

Updated 2/6/14:


This may be the most literal update-at-an-inappropriate-moment we've ever had. (via reddit)
 


I don't think it's inte-meant to be with you two, buddy. (via Lamebook)
 


That big, blurred-out thing? That's a cadaver of someone who donated their body to science.
(via WHNT)
 


So, he's like one shade smarter than the guys from Dumb & Dumber. (via Lamebook)
 


Wow, he sounds like the kind of asshole who would take a selfie at a funeral. (via reddit)
 



Mike, you're not so good at this 21st Century thing. (via reddit)

Updated 1/13/14:


"I got this." - Completely accurate, totally not reassuring. (via reddit)
 


Certain people need to learn about this encryption technology called talking in person.(via)
 


It's a good thing admissions officers don't have Facebook. (via)
 


If this gets 50k likes, we'll get out of the car. (via)
 


We'll stay tuned for more updates. (via)
 


I guess you could say nothing and leave us ignorant of this behavior. (via)
 


Everything about this is a lie! I bet he's not even on break. (via Failbook)
 


She's so flustered she can't even spell masturbate. (via Lamebook)

Updated 12/04/13:


The prosecution would like to enter into evidence the following Facebook post...
 


Now everyone will know you are a real class act.
 


What did Man do before fleshlights and hot pockets?
 


Yeah, it'll definitely be less awkward right afterwards.
 


It's cool, they probably had to fart.

 

 

Updated 11/06/13:


This looks like a video game...that someone is about to lose.
 


Fun Fact: This was the first question ever asked, circa 90,000 BC
 


Live fast, live-update your death young.
 


You are on a phone on Facebook. I guess in your case, the issue is having no friends.
 


His grandson made him so awkward, he cringed too hard and it turned into rigor mortis.
 


I can't talk about it. The police think it might be the same person who poisoned grandpa.

 


This is the most literal instance of "update at an inappropriate moment" we've ever seen.

 


Invent a time machine, study home ec and sex ed, and never have a kid or buy bleach.
 


WOW! Wow, some old lady. Just wow. WOW. WOWOWOWOW.

Updated 10/1/13:


Something tells me this person tried to use that spoon to fix the toaster.
 


Movie...about illegal and dangerous driving...while driving...brain...*EXPLOSION*
 


Good, now you'll have time to Google "emergency" to see that you were in one.

 


I think she's not pregnant because she murdered her boyfriend in the shower.
 


It will be for you if I can figure out how to show this to your boss.
 


I assume the feeling you mean is "attention from concerned friends."

 


Sucks that having the sun in your eyes is the best time for selfies & the worst for driving.

Updated 9/04/13:


I don't always post to social media while driving, but when I do, the speed is 3 digits.
 


Life goes on, especially when there's colored icing.
 


Those emoticons are the same faces one of the Heathers made after drinking Drano.
 


Brainz fallin outa mah hed lol.
 


9-1-1 only takes typing three digits. This is like 4 tweets.
 


Better safe than sorry, she could be a ghost who can't rest until she gets 10k likes. 

Updated 8/01/13:


Nor shall you, my friend. Nor shall you.
 


Your baby. Your baby is trying to drink with you.
 


Way to go, CasanofuckingwaywouldIeverletmydaughterdateyou.
 


The NSA does.
 


I tagged the sheriff, but I did not friend the deputy.
 


That fucktard is in your mirror, fucktard.
 


And to end a long career of being able to legally drive.

Updated 7/01/13:


Much like she has Faith in posting things on Facebook and saying "don't tell my husband."
 


If she dies, at least the guy who wrote "ut oh" will know they told her everything they needed.
 


No one from this high school passed sex ed. No one.
 


You should hear how funny he thought it was when his F'ing A fell O because he was L'ing.

 


OK cool, just letting everyone know. Back to playing "Plants vs Zombies."
 


Platinum beer comes with driving priviledges. It's the highest level of beer membership.

 

Updated 5/30/13:


"I can do much better tho" is probably true for everything this guy does.
 


Actually, there is definitely a bio test going on, but for anthrax.
 


Must...keep...looking...at...phone...for...safety...
 


See me after class, but remember that I can always see you on here 24/7.

 


Good God, people! What happened to blasting a music station you hate?

Updated 4/30/13


How did she text with wet nails (while driving)? She's a pro!
 


This is called Texting While Being In An Action Movie.

 


7 likes. 1 hehehe. People hate you, buddy.

 


Hopefully his work is as a tow truck driver so he can tow whomever he hits soon.

 


Are you crazy putting this on Facebook? Post this kind of stuff on LinkedIn.

 


Too much inappropriate to keep track of. But great blouse, mourner in the middle!

 

Updated 4/5/13:


Could you maybe just post a little more to explain what the hell you were doing?

 


Thumbs down, young lady. Thumbs down.

 


Not everyone has to make a big deal about their last words.

 


You're taking a photo of it all while driving? You'll interupt your Words With Friends game!

 


Facebook Marketplace doesn't sell any pails of soapy water. You're on your own.

 


Hope they post pics of the entire arrest and incarceration, including the pepper spraying. 
 

Updated 3/5/13:


A.) That emoticon is offensively accurate. B.) The lady helping is in a wetsuit.

 


"Like this" as in seeing her kid go on Facebook during a funeral?
 


2 minutes later: lighting a pen full of petroleum-based ink on fire proved to be scarring!
 


Introducing the new LifeAlert: it calls 911, tweets and Facebooks any time you might die.
 


To be fair, the man seems equally uninterested in helping his aged wife get out of the car.
 


Didn't even properly tag them. That's disrespectful. Just a vague attention-grab.
 


The fact that they're too tired to take a decent photo is not reassuring, either.

Updated 1/29/13:


They see me rollin, they concerned / trying to catch me riding hands-free.
 


That's fair. But you are also checking Facebook at a funeral, so...
 


Ain't no status like a cowering-in-my-bathtub-avoiding-stray-bullets status. 
 


Do you know how low your shirt was going? I mean how fast I was distracted? Carry on.
 


Great drunk-typing. It's amazing he can type and drunk-drive with only one major error.
 


Their son was diagnosed with ADHD and an anxiety disorder sixteen hours later.

Updated 11/30/12:


Put the phone down. You need both hands for that.
 


The photo gallery of her frantically downing some coffee was a nice touch though.
 


At least the truck will suffer minor damage getting rear-ended right after you hit send.
 


You can't put romance behind bars.
 


#scumbag

 

 


Completely idiotic physician, heal thyself!

 

Updated 10/5/12:


And here we are masturbating to it.

 


He just wanted it to be clear for the autopsy report.

 

 


Um, aren't you doing the same thing Mrs. Cooper?

 

 


To be fair, that red light fairy can be kind of a dick.

 

 


Then ask one of the nurses to take a photo! This is an emergency!

 

Updated 9/10/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 1/13/12:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Updated 12/9/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted 9/28/11:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog had some international fun with World Cup Fans.

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Team Greece meets Team Coco.

Even though more Americans are watching the World Cup than ever before, in terms of popularity, soccer still falls somewhere between mixed martial arts and competitive eating. That said, one sign that you may have arrived is when Triumph The Insult Comic Dog sniffs you out as a target to poop on.

Triumph didn't travel all the way to Brazil, pointing out that it was unnecessary when he could find the "heat, humidity, and crowded streets teaming with raw sewage," right in Astoria, Queens. It's also a good place to find communities of people from all over the world, gathering together, bonded by their love of calling in sick, day-drinking and watching television.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Adorable elderly couple has adorable car accident.

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His wife wasn't about to get out of the AC just because the car rolled.

Everything about this car crash story is nice. First of all, what a nice setting! It's in lovely Bel Air, CA (a town about one rare cab ride away from West Philadelphia, PA), where this couple of 80-somethings were going for a nice, slow drive. Then, they did a nice, slow rollover. I know it was nice and slow because they're both incredibly old and shockingly uninjured. All the driver had to do after flipping the car was slightly adjust her seating posture to stay comfortable, and her husband of 60+ years was able to climb up out of the passenger door in his industrial-strength khakis while wearing Tevas and socks.

Even nicer, apparently no one gave their names to any news agencies, so bloggers like me can't give away their information. What gives, people? Suddenly we're treating the elderly and the injured with respect and restraint? This is no way to run an Internet.

He's. Holding. Her. Purse.

Also, I'm impressed with the car. It may not have been going fast but those are some fragile passengers it was protecting.

Photo courtesy of Ryan D Steinberg/RMG News.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Match.com is launching new dating site that only lets you join if you're smart enough.

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We're the smartest-looking couple in a stock photo. 

Match.com has joined forces with Mensa to create the brilliantly titled Mensa Match. On the site, singles can only be matched with each other if they have been vetted by Mensa, which requires that you test at or above the 98th percentile of a standardized intelligence test. Finally, there is a place we can ship all the smarties so they can stop bothering us stupids on our dating sites. 

"Eighty percent of singles rate intelligence as one of the most important factors when looking for a partner, finally proving that brainpower is the ultimate aphrodisiac," Match.com President Amarnath Thombre said in a statement. "Partnering with Mensa now gives Match members another smart way to easily search for and connect with like-minded singles."

To whet your appetite, here's a list of prominent mensans:

Bob Speca, Jr.: Professional domino toppler. 

Linda Warwick: Creator and producer of the billboard mega-hit childrens' videos, "Babymugs!," and the "Toddler TOGS" series--the fantasy video for highly creative tots. 

Dr. Abbie F. Salny: Author of the Mensa "Quiz-a-Day" books and calendars. 

Fuuuuuck. So it's like that? How do I get me some smart strange?

Mensa and Match are currently administering a practice IQ test for the mentally deficient price of $1 through July 6. 

(by Myka Fox)

Anderson Cooper struggled to get through a news story that included the "V-word."

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"You're watching VNN."

In fairness to Anderson Cooper, the great Walter Cronkite once famously struggled with a live news story as well. Although, that story was about the JFK assassination, not about a kid getting stuck in giant vagina sculpture. Still, "vagina' is one of those words that a lot of guys are uncomfortable saying. I don't know if my father has ever said the word out loud and I'm happy to be left in the dark on that one. Still, if he or I were being paid big bucks by a major cable news company to report on a story involving a vagina, I'd like to think we could both get through it without giggling.

But giggling and goofing have become a staple of TV news, and it's part of Anderson Cooper's charm. And as he points out in the clip, vagina isn't exactly "in his wheelhouse." However, based on the fact that he lost his mind doing a piece on something called "Dyngus Day," I have a feeling a story involving a giant, marble penis wouldn't exactly be a chip shot. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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