This pizza prank is almost as sophomoric as it is hilarious.

July 2, 2014, 3:59 pm

≫ Next: Timo the cat loves his tiny hammock, but the relationship took some work. A lot of work.

≪ Previous: This adorable little girl absolutely loves her jerky mom's intentionally crappy present.

Screwing with minimum wage employees for fun.

It's not a new prank. It's been done before, by the likes of Howard Stern and other, less-professional prank-mongers. It retains a timeless elegance. Here's what you do: Call up one pizza restaurant and place an order. Then, just before the pizza guy reads it back to confirm, you put him on hold and call a second pizza restaurant. Then you conference the two pizza restaurants in together and— Well, just see for yourself:

Ugh! My heart goes out to these poor minimum wage workers getting pranked. They didn't ask for any of this. They're just trying to get through their day so that they can head home, exhausted, reeking of garlic and onions, and just try to find some small amount of piece with their friends an families before it's time to wake up and start their all over again. They last thing they need is some backwards-cap-wearing 16-year-old kid with an iPhone poking them with a stick through the cages of their customer service cages.

All that said: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! He got those pizza parlor employees! He got them so good! Bam!!! If I was 63% less coward, I would totally try this.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

Timo the cat loves his tiny hammock, but the relationship took some work. A lot of work.

July 2, 2014, 4:19 pm

≫ Next: Summer romp.

≪ Previous: This pizza prank is almost as sophomoric as it is hilarious.

Hang in there, baby.

Lying in a hammock is like the comfy reward you get for not being dumped on your ass while trying to get into one. Unless you were born with the balancing ability of a squirrel, there's a learning curve involved. Based on this video, even cats have to work at it. That is, unless Timo happens to be the most uncoordinated cat on the planet.

At first he approaches the new bed as if it were a bird in the backyard he was trying to kill. Even after he's able to get into it, he looks like a drunk trying to stand in a canoe. But the word "quit" isn't in Timo's vocabulary. Neither are any other words, but you get the idea.

After four months of failure, Timo and his hammock are an inspiration to uncoordinated goofs everywhere.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

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Summer romp.

July 2, 2014, 9:41 am

≫ Next: Frozen out.

≪ Previous: Timo the cat loves his tiny hammock, but the relationship took some work. A lot of work.

↧

Frozen out.

July 2, 2014, 8:41 am

≫ Next: How to wean yourself off of the World Cup.

≪ Previous: Summer romp.

↧

How to wean yourself off of the World Cup.

July 2, 2014, 4:16 am

≫ Next: Imperfect union.

≪ Previous: Frozen out.

by Dan Abromowitz

The World Cup is nearing its end, leaving fans around the world waiting another four years for their next fix. Avoid withdrawal whiplash from the beautiful game and ease the transition with these hot tips, while you still have time:

Aversion therapy is powerful! For every goal you see, have a loved one tell you an aspect of your essential self that's always disgusted them.
Re-adopt the attitude of standoffish indifference towards soccer you carry year-round, and fake it 'til you feel it.
Imagine all the players in their underwear (for the purposes of this exercise, their underwear is leeches).
Go catch a screening of Deliver Us From Evil and let a pulse-pounding nightmare inspired by the actual accounts of an NYPD sergeant wash all that silly soccer stuff away.
Reflexively shout "Soccer? That's gay!!!" whenever you overhear conversation about it to create a sphere of silence around you.
Remind yourself of what it looks like when men touch balls by looking up videos of men touching balls. There are so many videos of men touching balls out there that you should have no trouble finding videos of men touching balls, if men touching balls is that which you desire!
Bury your favorite jersey in your lawn. Every day, dig it up and bury it a few feet further away. It won't make you feel better, and it'll tear the shit out of your lawn, and now I can't remember why that was supposed to work.
Cut down how much of each game you watch. The first game, watch half. The second, none. The third, bang the fridge door against your head so hard you forget the last full game you watched.
Cut out a little paper basketball and guide it around your screen wherever the soccer ball goes. Whisper "basketball" over and over so the illusion is complete.
Start reading the novels! Not only will you get to relive your favorite moments, you'll discover a wealth of worldbuilding details to answer a lot of your lingering questions.
Try playing soccer just once.
Eat the remains of Paul the psychic octopus to gain foreknowledge of the Cup's outcome. Great! Onto the next thing!
Accidentally shooting a little boy while watching soccer is a great way to get yourself to swear never to watch soccer again. Of course, you're free to break that promise when the chips are down.
Eat! A! Cleat! Eat! A! Cleat!
If all else fails, 72 hours in sensory deprivation should do you just fine.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)

↧

Imperfect union.

July 3, 2014, 5:00 am

≫ Next: Little boy dances fiercely to Lady Gaga at school recital.

≪ Previous: How to wean yourself off of the World Cup.

↧

Little boy dances fiercely to Lady Gaga at school recital.

July 3, 2014, 7:21 am

≫ Next: Dog days.

≪ Previous: Imperfect union.

Walk, walk fashion baby.

Go to the homepage of The Gaily Grind and you will see video after video of hot dancing mostly naked sweaty men. And this little kid voguing to Lady Gaga at a school recital.

Its hard not to love him as he strongly commits to every dance move and pose despite the un-evolved children and parents milling around him.

I can only imagine him desperately petitioning his school to build him a giant egg.

Happy Pride Month!

(by Myka Fox)

↧

Dog days.

July 3, 2014, 7:38 am

≫ Next: 17 ways to let everyone know you're sweating your balls off.

≪ Previous: Little boy dances fiercely to Lady Gaga at school recital.

↧

17 ways to let everyone know you're sweating your balls off.

July 3, 2014, 8:14 am

≫ Next: Baby you're a firework* *you scare my dogs

≪ Previous: Dog days.

It's a delicate ecosystem back there.

To complete the illusion, just wear workout clothes to the office.

And that would be true even if Shia Lebeouf were in the new one.

Best way to ensure you're not getting any tonight!

There is no such thing as a comfortable temperature during summer.

Sex is the most important reason to stay hydrated.

Powdered bro-nuts.

Like we need an excuse.

Let that special environmentalist know you'd like to do some drilling.

And the benefits are lousy.

Because when it's this hot, the person you're fucking better be too.

Because let's face it, they have air conditioning in prison.

If you can't stand the heat, get into your cubicle.

Because sometimes it's hard to look easy.

And eventually the sweat from being getting fired.

Not for Al Gore!

Summer is the perfect time to embrace your laziness.

↧

Baby you're a firework* *you scare my dogs

July 3, 2014, 8:15 am

≫ Next: Update: "Hot Mugshot Guy" did NOT get a modeling contract.

≪ Previous: 17 ways to let everyone know you're sweating your balls off.

Karen KilgariffThu, 3 Jul 2014 11:15:00 EDT

Baby you're a firework* *you scare my dogs

↧

Update: "Hot Mugshot Guy" did NOT get a modeling contract.

July 3, 2014, 8:32 am

≫ Next: The actor who does Porky Pig's voice explains why no one will ever take his job.

≪ Previous: Baby you're a firework* *you scare my dogs

I'm not a model, I just crush a lot. (via Stockton PD)

Good news for those of you who are sick of seeing this guy's hot mug: he did not get the modeling contract everyone has been talking about.

And good news for those of you who love seeing this guy's hot mug: here's his hot mug again!

This Tuesday I reported that Jeremy Meeks AKA Hot Mugshot Guy AKA That Dude Who Made The Internet Lose Their Shit landed a sweet modeling contract with Blaze Models to the tune of $30,000, and, once again, the Internet lost their shit.

Yesterday, Luke O Neil from Bullett went ahead and did the craziest thing ever and checked to see if it was true. It's not.

Apparently, Meeks DID sign with talent agent/former porn actress/octomom representative Gina Rodriguez, and she has been trying to get him a modeling contract, but no one has actually signed him to one. And definitely no one has given him any money to model. And he is still in jail awaiting charges for 11 felonies.

According to O Neil, the whole mess started when Rodriguez talked to FOX about her efforts, and then TMZ extrapolated that information into reporting there was a contract. Then the Internet, myself included, lost our shit (got a lot of eyeballs on our sites).

In fairness, I thought it was true, we all did. And if I fact-checked every story that was making its way around, I wouldn't have time to unearth true Internet gems like this guy getting punched in the face or this woman jerking off a dolphin.

Plus, the dude is super photogenic so it makes sense that some modeling agency would take advantage of all the attention he gets, whether or not that attention is based on facts.

So, to everyone who got angry that a Meeks modeling contract would prove that crime does pay, don't worry, the only person getting work out of Meek's hot mug is me.

Yaaaay me!

(by Myka Fox)

↧

The actor who does Porky Pig's voice explains why no one will ever take his job.

July 3, 2014, 8:33 am

≫ Next: Storm out.

≪ Previous: Update: "Hot Mugshot Guy" did NOT get a modeling contract.

Eh cuh CUH eh cool.

If you grew up in a part of the world that had access to television, you probably know Porky Pig, the nervous, bashful, and (most importantly) stuttering porcine star of Looney Tunes who closed out every episode by telling the audience "Eh the the eh that's all, folks!" Here, voice actor Bob Bergen explains just what goes into that famous speech impediment, and why your Porky impression isn't nearly as good as you think it is.

Not that it would be totally impossible to take his job. After all, the voice Bergen does for a living was originally developed by the legendary Mel Blanc.

According to comments, this is a clip from a documentary about voice acting and voice actors, "I Know That Voice."

(by Johnny McNulty)

↧

Storm out.

July 3, 2014, 8:45 am

≫ Next: Missed opportunity.

≪ Previous: The actor who does Porky Pig's voice explains why no one will ever take his job.

↧

Missed opportunity.

July 3, 2014, 8:51 am

≫ Next: Burger King debuted the Proud Whopper in San Francisco during Pride Week.

≪ Previous: Storm out.

↧

Burger King debuted the Proud Whopper in San Francisco during Pride Week.

July 3, 2014, 8:59 am

≫ Next: Politician starts sobbing and screaming in response to pretty boring question.

≪ Previous: Missed opportunity.

Okay, Burger King, we'll bite.

Burger King debuted a new burger this past weekend in San Francisco to coincide with Pride Week. The Proud Whopper is exactly the same as an original Whopper, only wrapped in rainbow-colored paper with the words "We are all the same inside." The message being that people, much like fast food burgers, are good, but also messy, fatty, and often cheesy.

Because no corporate good dead goes unprofitable, BK put together a promotional video to go along with the event. Even in San Francisco, some people were clearly uncomfortable with the idea of an out and proud burger. One bystander in the video says, "If that's what they're going to do, they won't be having my business anymore," before Googling "Chick fil A + San Francisco."

Most customers appeared to be burger-curious and open to trying the Proud Whopper. “I cried in there because I was overwhelmed. A burger has never made me cry before," said one customer who obviously never ordered the pepper jack cheese and jalapeño-covered Angry Whopper.

Not surprisingly, the video has already chapped the ass of the people BK's market research team told them it would. People like Herman Cain, who tweeted out a link to an ignorant, tasteless article on his website.

That's probably fine with Burger King, who realize the future of their business depends on open-minded millennials and their money, not older, tightly-wound cranks under strict doctor's orders to stay away from places like Burger King.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

↧

Politician starts sobbing and screaming in response to pretty boring question.

July 3, 2014, 9:14 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 3, 2014

≪ Previous: Burger King debuted the Proud Whopper in San Francisco during Pride Week.

There are videos that are weird and Japanese, and then there are videos that
are even weird for the Japanese.

As far as political scandals go, the mystery following Ryutaro Nonomura was pretty dull. Mr. Nonomura is an assemblyman in Hyogo Prefecture (so, like a state politician in the US) who visited a hot springs by long-distance rail travel 106 times last year, racking up $30,000 in expenses. He also didn't keep any receipts. Sure, that's a little funny and it raises a few eyebrows, but no politician worth their salt would get taken down by visiting a spa too many times. All they'd have to do is keep calm, make up a reason they go so often (a bad back, that's a good one), and don't get photographed there with a prostitute. Oh yeah, and remember not to randomly start sobbing and screaming "You don't understand! I want to change this society!" because that will look a little odd and probably go viral. Check below for a transcript.

Here's some of what Nonomura is saying in the video, according to the Washington Post:

“[Crying] . . . I finally became an assembly member . . . [crying] . . . with the sole purpose of changing society,” he bawled during the three-hour Kobe press conference, according to the Japan Times. “[Crying] . . . This Japan . . . [crying] . . . I want to change this society… [crying] . . . I have staked my life . . . [crying] . . . Don’t you understand?”
The Hyogo Prefecture statesman added, emphatically, “I’m putting my life on the line!”

See, before I didn't care, and now I am curious. What the hell is Nonomura doing at those hot springs? He even gets $5,000 a month for expenses, which would have covered the springs if he had a good explanation (or receipts). Most importantly, if he's spending so much time soaking in hot springs, why isn't he more relaxed?

He did come close to offering one explanation, according to Rocket News, which was that visiting the springs was (maybe) research related to the problem of Japan getting older: “I went to all the places [claimed], aging population isn’t only a problem in our prefecture!”

Maybe that guy should try the beach.

(by Johnny McNulty)

↧

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 3, 2014

July 3, 2014, 9:17 am

≫ Next: You had to walk 5 miles in the snow. Whatever, grandpa. Today, I had to deal with three pop-up ads and an annoying auto-play video.

≪ Previous: Politician starts sobbing and screaming in response to pretty boring question.

1. Lindsay Lohan Is Suing 'Grand Theft Auto' Maker — Claims Gross, Obnoxious Celebrity Character Is Stealing Her Thing

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Rockstar Games for their use of a character named Lacey Jonas in the popular video game Grand Theft Auto V, claiming that the vapid, self-obsessed character is based upon her own public image. "The portraits of the Plaintiff (Lohan) incorporated her image, likeness, clothing, outfits, Plaintiff’s clothing line products, ensemble in the form of hats, hair style, sunglasses, jean shorts worn by the Plaintiff that were for sale to the public at least two years," according to the suit.

Lindsay Lohan is suing Grand Theft Auto for using her likeness. While Grand Theft Auto is suing Lindsay Lohan for using their driving style
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 2, 2014

2. Did Rick Perry Give Up His Cowboy Boots To Impress Those Oxford-Wearing Nancy Boys Who Live In Not-Texas?

Many people are viewing Texas Gov. Rick Perry's recent decision to switch from wearing patriotic cowboy boots to the normal Oxford style dress shoes favored by gay homosexuals and liberal terrorists is a sign that he is hoping to appeal to a wider demographic in the 2016 presidential election. "I lament the fact that our governor could now pass for a West Coast metrosexual and has embarrassed us all with his sartorial change of direction," said Texas Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson .

Rick Perry is a homophobic, douche, but he was amazing as the lead singer in the band, Journey.
— Jessica Kirson (@JessicaKirson) June 19, 2014

3. Rob Ford Admits To Having Done All The Drugs

If you are currently having a problem finding quality drugs for you to ingest, it might be because Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has already sucked them all up into his face. The troubled politician who was recently released from a rehab facility is now admitting that he has done pretty much every "drug you can think of."

Today, we are all shirtless men, confronting Rob Ford
— Big Tits Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) July 2, 2014

4. Pope Francis To Revive Scientific Practice Of Casting Out Unclean Spirits From The Bodies Of Wretched Sinners

Good news for all the demon-possessed Catholics out there! Pope Francis is reportedly giving his Papal blessing to the centuries-old, sacramental practice of exorcizing evil minions of the Dark Lord Satan from the bodies of wayward humans. Fingers crossed that he'll approve an exorcism app for the iPhone and Android devices. I mean, this is the 21st Century, after all.

Hey, just thought I'd call to say this exorcism is gonna go late, these demons are lodged in there good. I'll pick up pizza on the way home.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) May 7, 2014

5. Tesla To Come Out With Slightly Less Unaffordable Car

If you have been unable to afford purchasing a Tesla Model S electric car due to its impressively large $70,000 sticker price, things might be getting ready to turn around for you. You will soon be unable to buy a Tesla Model E electric car, which will be priced at around $30,000. You still won't own one, but you'll be a little bit closer to being able to imagining the possibility.

Bro, do you mind if I charge my Tesla at your house while I get my chest waxed?
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) March 6, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

↧

You had to walk 5 miles in the snow. Whatever, grandpa. Today, I had to deal with three pop-up ads and an annoying auto-play video.

July 3, 2014, 10:03 am

≫ Next: Other big moments in American independence that you can celebrate on July 4th.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 3, 2014

All Hail Jerry RenekThu, 3 Jul 2014 13:03:13 EDT

You had to walk 5 miles in the snow. Whatever, grandpa. Today, I had to deal with three pop-up ads and an annoying auto-play video.

↧

Other big moments in American independence that you can celebrate on July 4th.

July 3, 2014, 10:31 am

≫ Next: Be prepared.

≪ Previous: You had to walk 5 miles in the snow. Whatever, grandpa. Today, I had to deal with three pop-up ads and an annoying auto-play video.

America had to free itself from a lot more than Britain and monarchy to become awesome. America had to throw off the shackles of a whole bunch of lame forces of history to become what it is today: the pinnacle of human liberty, where happiness can be pursued in an attack helicopter while using a long-range rifle.