The procession down the aisle is a pinnacle moment in many weddings. For many straight couples, the moment the bride first emerges down the aisle, finally visible to the groom and all the guests, is an intense moment of adoration.

In this moment, it's often deeply apparent how much the groom loves his wife, as tears well up and nauseatingly loving gazes are exchanged.

But the thoughts going on in a groom's mind during that moment are often even more mushy or complex.

In a popular Reddit thread, men shared what they were thinking when their wife walked down the aisle, and it ranges from sweet to unexpected.

1. From psycho--the--r*pist:

"Wow she actually wasn't joking about not wearing shoes."

2. From rtop:

"What in the world are she and her parents doing coming around the side instead of down the aisle?"

We got married outdoors, where maybe the lack of walls created confusion. In any case, we thought it was pretty funny afterwards.

3. From MrStealYourDanish:

It felt like a constant euphoric rush, and one of the few times in my life that I profoundly felt that I was doing something right. We'll be married 20 years this summer.

4. From LeaflessTree:

We walked down the aisle together, as that's tradition in Norway. I was mostly thinking "Where the f*ck do I look?"

5. From NumberOneTheLarch:

I bawled my eyes out. It was embarrassing. Not nice silent little tears, full on ugly crying when I was trying to read aloud my vows.

She laughed at me. I love her.

6. From Top_Chef:

We eloped, so my first thought was "oh good, she made it."

7. From smartnotclever:

"Keep your sh*t together."

I failed, by the way - totally bawled through the vows. Tears of happiness, of course - still going strong 14 years later.

8. From Kevat:

We are from India. There is a cultural tradition where the wife is brought out in a "doli" by her family like this: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/7f/eb/15/7feb15eba1bf2b863ddb18c42563d279.jpg

She always talked about doing it, I just didn't think it was possible to get it done. How she got a doli in the middle of Baltimore blows my mind. It looked amazing!

9. From LoneBladeS:

My Dad used to tell me all the time that I should try and ask out girls I thought out of my league as I might surprise myself. So I did, and then asked her to marry me, and she said yes to that as well. I was thinking of this as she came in. While she was walking down the aisle, my Dad leaned in and said "You know how this happened?" I smiled, and nodded, thinking he was pleased with his advice. He then said "'Cos I don't, you lucky bastard."

Dad-joked at the altar.

10. From downhomegroove:

I got married in India in a traditional Hindu wedding (I'm a white boy). I had eaten some BAAAAAD food 2 days before the wedding, so the only thing I was really thinking about during the whole ordeal, including my wife being brought in, was whether I was going to have an accident on stage or not.

We were seated on the floor of the mandap (think covered stage setup), and I had to get up and sit back down about 5 times during the ceremony, and each time was a true test of my sphincter strength. She didn't realize how bad it was for me at the time, so I pride myself in not ruining the moment for her at least. I however, was in absolute misery.

11. From thedugong:

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. God she and my MIL are b*tches for winding me up about getting her a stupid dress, she looks gorgeous. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

12. From Hillbilly_Heaven:

"Why does he have duck tape on his face and blood on his suit?"

I few minutes earlier just before the ceremony began a friend had jokingly tripped me. It backfired as I fell and smashed my face on a beer bottle on a table and made a huge gash running from my temple to my jaw. I didn't want to ruin the wedding so they just stuffed my face with napkins and covered it with duck tape (that's what it was called at the time). I just left the blood on my suit.

When she asked me what happened I said "Sh*t." Before she could respond the ceremony begun.

46 years later I still have a scar on the side of my face and 46 years later we are still married and 46 years later I still give my friend sh*t about it.

13. From the_anti_buddy:

...is that the Imperial March?

(She surprised me with a string ensemble of the imperial march for her walk down the aisle.)

14. From Thecardinal74:

I was afraid of the scene in Spaceballs:

"We are gathered here today to watch the bride walk RIGHT PAST THE ALTER AND OUT THE DOOR!"

15. From jeffcarpthefisheater:

I married my wife 3 years ago after 10 years together. I was always not-for-marriage, but not for the same reason as most guys are- my mum never married, my uncle's marriage ended soon after his wedding. My experiences of marriage led me to believe it was unnecessary, especially considering I'm the kind of guy that likes to have girlfriends as opposed to one night stands, a 'document' doesn't make my intentions any more or less honest.

Anyway, my now-wife was always pro-marriage so there was a bit of an issue between us. I knew that if I wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives I would need to change my mind, or her hers. I never pressured her, she never pressured me and nor did her family, which I am forever grateful for.

The big change of heart was prompted by a good friend who died. I wasn't in touch with him at the time, I only heard about what happened after he had died. In his last days, he knew he was dying and this was weeks after he became a dad, he married the mother of his child. He was always not for marriage, but she was. The idea of doing such a thing in your last days on Earth made me realize that I would do the same. The idea of waiting until your last days, I didn't want to do.

The big day, the whole event was the most amazing day I've had. When she walked around the corner and started down the aisle with her father, I just thought 'wow- I'm doing it. And it feels right.' she looked beyond happy and proud. Surrounded by our families and friends (the nice ones!). Then I started thinking that I had to get through the vows and hold it together...

Would love to do the whole day again.

16. From Lavyn:

"Oh my god...she's more beautiful in this moment that I've ever seen her. You're not breathing. You're not breathing. You still aren't breathing. Ouch, f*ck, why does my chest hurt? Holy sh*t, there's a huge lump in my throat. Is that why I can't breathe?? Oh man here she comes. Sh*t is getting blurry.....JUST. BREATHE!"

GASP

I didn't pass out or anything. I was literally for the first time in my life 100% breathless. It was f*cking scary and amazing all at the same time.

17. From chaserp75:

Convinced myself beforehand I wouldn't cry. As soon as I saw her start to walk down the aisle I lost it. Bawled like a baby. Was just so overcome with emotion, I honestly can't even explain it. I couldn't believe how beautiful she looked. I couldn't believe the moment was actually happening. I felt so lucky and blessed she was marrying me. And I felt so excited. We had been together 6 years already at that point and had started dating in high school and it was like our whole relationship up to that point flashed before my eyes.

I felt all the feels and it was crazy and I'll never forget it.

18. From chicken_slaad:

I was trying to think up a dirty joke to whisper that would make her crack up in the middle of the ceremony.

19. From AgeGuess:

Holy crap, she's running!

So she was walking down the aisle, I was in the back and we were supposed to time it to meet at the altar. I was expecting a slow walk. She was so nervous she was practically running. I had to move fast to catch her.

20. From Buttsniffingroach:

I was pretty upset about how much we had spent on the wedding. (I don't believe in fancy weddings, but it was her dream so I went with it...plus...happy wife happy life, right?) As soon as I saw her walking down the aisle I thought "I could have paid 30 times over the amount to live this moment over and over again."

21. From TheOtherDonald:

I'm standing at the "altar" (we were married by a judge, at an upscale catering hall, with about 150 guests) with my best man, and the bridesmaids and groomsmen and flower girl all make their way up the aisle to the music from a string quartet. The quartet pauses and goes into Bach's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring, as my bride, flanked by her parents, starts up the aisle toward me.

After about four steps, she starts lagging back, and now, her folks are nearly dragging her. Oh, sh*t, is she gonna bolt?!

Finally, they deliver her to me, and she smiles and says, "Hi, Ricardo" (my pet name).

I ask her if she was trying to back out, and she laughed and said, "No! I was trying to slow my parents down - they were nearly running up the aisle!"

Boomers and cell phones are a hilarious combination. You can't help but laugh while trying to teach older folks how to interpret emojis, and once they have mastered the art of texting, all hell breaks loose.

Here are some hilarious texts from parents and grandparents who are not afraid to Go There™.

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It's hard to believe that March was only four months ago and that it's actually STILL March? 2020 is full of surprises.

Many parts of the United States are starting to gradually reopen to "nomalcy" with outdoor dining, sidewalk bars, partitioned hair and nail salons, and even Disneyworld welcoming masked patrons. Sure, wearing a mask in the summer does create a "sweaty chic" fashion vibe, but we're all doing what we can to keep Coronavirus cases down and save lives.

If you've forgotten how to talk to people outside of little Zoom squares, haven't worn real pants in a decade, and still have no idea what day it actually is, you're not alone. 2020 brought us a global health crisis, murder hornets, and Kanye West running for president. What's next? Oprah is actually made of cake?

Luckily, 2020 has not yet crushed Twitter's sense of humor. So, here are the funniest tweets from this weekend. Enjoy, and stay safe everyone!

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A person's internet search history can tell a lot about them. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We've all, at some point, googled something we're not proud of. That's what incognito mode and "delete browser history" are for.

Someone asked Reddit: "what is your most shameful Google search?" These 28 people got honest about their embarrassing search histories:

1.) From JoeG5:

From time to time I have to open an incognito tab to search for stuff like "how to boil water".

2.) ​​​​​​From kerzid:

Recently, I forgot what wreaths are, I searched "Christmas Circles" and it worked!

3.) From ongogablogian17:

Wanted to go to the dicks sporting goods website so I just searched “dicks”. This was on my family computer when I was like 10.

4.) From meta_uprising:

Everything before I knew computers had a search history

5.) From ArcOfRuin:

“What happens if you eat poop.” I was trying to find out what would happen if you ate a rock(stupid, but I was curious) and that was recommended, had to find out the answer.

6.) From pattern144:

“High paying jobs for people who hate math.”

7.) From ccampbellsos:

About a week after my daughter was born I panicked for a minute and had to google "do baby's have to drink water?" after thinking she would be insanely dehydrated

8.) From SigmaPhiZeta:

i once forgot vin diesels name and googled xxx at work.

not the brightest moment in my life.

9.) From GasTheBlues:

How to spell apple lmao

I forgot and it never looked right when I wrote it down.

10.) From PenguinMaster7427:

"Bible fan fiction" is probably my worst, specifically a dumb wattpad piece called "take me into your ark". I was reading it with friends for a laugh over a call, but out of context...

11.) From PartTimeMisanthrope:

It's a tie between "push-up bras for your ass" and "Adolf Hitler shirtless"

12.) From judasmitchell:

Every time I want to write "silhouette" I have to google the spelling. No other spell check can recognize what I'm trying to write.

13.) From jaywayhon:

Well, this was back in the early days of the modern Internet, so Yahoo was the search engine of choice in 1996 or 1997. We were so young and naive!

I was working as a journalist and wanted to look for some statistics for a piece I was researching. So, on my office computer, I fired up that newfangled Netscape browser, went to Yahoo and typed "Teen Pregnancy". The results I got were not the results I was looking for or expecting. Valuable lessons were learned that day.

14.) From whitecollarredneck:

Back during the 2016 election, I woke up and saw that my last Google search was "How to be friends with Jeb Bush".

I guess drunk me thought Jeb needed a friend...

15.) From lamiller0622:

"do women like nipple hair on men"

16.) From JackOLanturn55:

Google

17.) From JeremyStoppelman:

no matter how embarrassing you think it may be, auto-fill of the search phrase at least provides a little relief that someone else has been that stupid before too.

18.) From DoraBangsDiego:

Got an event called "Big Bad Wolf", basically they're books event. Some of my friends called it BBW. I googled "BBW" in the middle of class in front of my lecturer because I tried to tell her about this cheap books event. Awkward.

19.) From ListenToTheBuffalo:

“Do cars run out of honk.” I’m deeply ashamed that I googled this.

20.) From FrostyFly17:

Whale penis. It made me hate my life even more

21.) From Here_for_the_Palta:

“Internet not working”

It took me far to long too realise my stupidity

22.) From NanoBuc:

Can you castrate yourself?

23.) ​​​​​​​From Bananabreadfun:

How do I boil an egg

24.) ​​​​​​​From tragicworldrecord:

Thankfully, it was on a friend's phone not mine, but we were discussing Rule 34 of the internet - if you can think of something there is porn of it. She brought up increasingly outlandish examples and bet me money that I couldn't find porn about them. I won some money but also have to live with the knowledge that there is indeed fanfiction about Fred and Rose West.

25.) ​​​​​​​From bayek:

Once got drunk and fell against a railing and pinched my schlong pretty good.

I haven't cleared my search history, so I still see "How long does it take a bruised penis to heal?" every so often.

Also it takes about 5 days.

26.) ​​​​​​​From suckitdonny:

One night I was drunk at my boyfriends house and I asked to use his phone. The next day when he was on his phone he opened google and I had left the page open and I googled how to kill someone and get away with it legally. I seriously don’t remember why.

27.) From MrTeekz:

Dunno if I'd call it shameful but when I first got the Internet as a kid I searched sex.com, panicked when it loaded, shut down the pc & ran outside. Parents were pissed mainly 'cause it was double price for using the Internet before 6PM on dial up.

28.) From TheCheemeist:

What happens if you snort Parmesan cheese?

Wearing a face mask in public has been proven to curb the spread of COVID-19. And yet, for utterly baffling and infuriating reasons, many people across the U.S.A. still refuse to wear one. Apparently people feel their "freedom" is being infringed upon for being asked to cover their face for a walk in the park or a visit to Taco Bell. Meanwhile, many people are willingly following the safety measures without complaining, including women who've given birth during the pandemic—while wearing a mask the entire time.

Many new moms and pregnant women have had enough of the bullsh*t and are taking to Twitter to give people who refuse to wear masks a piece of their minds.

Some also shared some very cute—and inspiring—pics, proving once again that moms are the toughest people out there.

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Mic drop, moms.

Gussying up your resume for a job search is never fun, and filling out applications can feel like a minefield of trick questions and exhausting repetition.

While there are plenty of acceptable ways to present yourself on a job application or resume, there are some pretty obvious pitfalls to avoid, many of which are refreshingly amusing to the managers surveying applications.

In a popular Reddit thread, employers shared the funniest, worst things people have written on job applications, and there's truly a wide and beautiful range of gaffes.

1. From BooBoo_the_Gorilla:

I was working in retail in high school when someone came and dropped off a paper application. In the section about criminal history they checked yes they had prior convictions. In the space provided to state what the legal issues were they simply wrote "rong place rong time." We kept that application around for a while.

2. From Guns_57:

Saw a resume that, under the education tab, went from "Marine Officer Training School" to simply "Clown School."

Not even the specific one, just "Clown School."

3. From mooroi:

Had a chef once apply with, "good at helping my coworkers thieve whilst the restaurant is at its busiest."

I'm sure he meant thrive but us chefs aren't to be trusted.

4. From sregormot:

I received a resume that was just their high school football accomplishments, no other experience written down. There was even a link to his highlight video. He also included a head shot of him in his football pads. He was 24.

5. From Currently2Stoned:

Hiring for a convenience store in the US, so we always scraped the bottom of the barrel and hired anyone who showed up to the interview. In this particular region, meth was so rampant that we drug tested potential employees. I did the interview, gave the kid the urinalysis kit to bring to the clinic a block away, called the clinic and said you can expect him shortly to administer the piss test. He never showed at the clinic. Didn't answer his phone.

He came back to the store a week later, proudly holding a cup of urine that he was there to turn in. I asked him politely to please take the cup of pee out of my store and to never return. He looked confused. I then asked him why he didn't go directly to the clinic after the interview. He said he wanted to wait till he could pass the drug test! God bless his simple heart.

6. From AutomaticYak:

In the cover letter: “I have a 2011 Toyota Corolla” and “I keep things organized with STICKERS!!!” Caps and multiple exclamations and all.

Different girl ignored the instructions to apply online, showed up in jeans and a baseball cap, asked if we were still hiring and when we said yes, she threw her arms in the air like Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and shouted, “here I am!” My coworkers said the look on face was priceless.

7. From Back2Bach:

An applicant for a job as a paid tenor soloist in performing a series of Bach cantatas was asked:

Please list sacred choral works (including cantatas) for which you have served as tenor soloist.

He responded: "None. But I can sing "Shotgun Willie" in the style of Willie Nelson."

8. From mrwuss2:

I had someone bring in a resume that was scrawled out on notebook paper ripped from a spiral bound notebook and they didn't even tear off the edge so it was clean!

This was for a high level position. They wore a suit, carried a portfolio (which I assume had a spiral notebook in it) and never offered a word as to why they jotted down a resume in the parking lot.

9. From codingCoderCoding:

I was the candidate for this one. Due to how the Indian College system works, I was forced to participate in a written test for a company which did aerospace focused software. I was not interested in actually clearing the test. 10 years later, I still remember answering "What is the attitude of a satellite?" With "The satellites attitude i.e. mood describes whether or not it wishes to remain in orbit. Satellites with a bad attitude are normally scrapped otherwise they may decide to crash out of orbit or get into fights with other satellites."

(I had continued this for a 6-7 line paragraph)

I wonder what the evaluators thought of me...

10. From heatherwants2play:

Whenever anyone gets an interview to work in my department, our whole team looks over their resume and can ask the applicant questions. There was a guy who applied for a mid-career position and had a few connections with some higher ups in our company. So they immediately scheduled an interview for him without actually reviewing his resume.

When our team looked at his resume, he had it titled “Why You Should Hire Me” and had a bunch of run-on sentences and misspelled words. Our team was confused and thought he made a mistake. Apparently, he thought he had the job because of his connections, so he didn’t take the whole applying process seriously. He didn’t get the job.

11. From sweetnopry:

TL;DR - Kid shows other people’s work and makes up a degree. Gets caught.

Not an application, but in the interview.

The kid claimed to have a masters degree in the field, and an internship. During the interview. He fumbled even the most basic questions about the discipline and showed someone else’s work as his own. The reason I know this is because he actually said “Oh, I’m sorry about the PowerPoint, my coworker made it.”

My jaw dropped.

He was so bad that the other interviewer slacked me asking if the kid even went to school. So confused at how bad this was, I went to his university’s website to see what kind of education produces such a horrible candidate.

Well, turns out the school didn’t offer the degree at all. He made up the degree, put it on his resume and somehow thought that the hiring manager with 10 years of experience in the field wouldn’t catch it.

12. From Nardelan:

I was interviewing internal candidates for a job at our location. The job posting asked for your last review and a letter of interest, basically a cover letter.

We have computers and printers available for any employee to use but one woman in her 40s, pretty intelligent, decided to hand write her letter of interest on a scrap piece of 5”x7” ripped paper. WTF? The kicker was she wrote in the letter something like “I bet nobody else took the time to write a personal hand written letter.”

I was interviewing an external kid in his early 20s for an entry level stocking job. I asked one of the stock questions “Give me an example of a time you had a disagreement with a coworker?”

He goes into a story about some trivial argument where he and another coworker ended up getting into a fist fight at an A&W Restaurant. I felt kind of bad that he thought I that was an OK story to tell at a job Interview.

13. From BitPoet:

I worked for a small company, and this resume got passed around. Turns out it was someone I'd worked with at my previous company.

He was claiming to be the lead developer on a project that I wrote from the ground up with one other person (not him).

I told my boss that we should interview this person for entertainment value only, and why. So we did. I left people with the gotcha questions to ask, and he tried to bullsh*t his way through each one. I was the last interviewer, and the look on his face when I walked through the door was priceless.

14. From throwtheballaway123:

I had a job posting out and a potential candidate reached out to have a chat about the role (senior management position). I told him my calendar was up to date and to book me.

He booked me for 1pm the following day with his phone number in the "location". At 1:02pm I call his number. He was waiting for his food at a burger place.

So we're chatting, he gets his food and says "I'm going to crush this burger while we talk."

He was shocked when he didn't get a formal interview.

15. From Clarke-shark:

Not so much an answer, but I've seen a shocking amount of resumes and applications with really awkward and unprofessional email addresses. Before being a position where I reviewed resumes I never would have thought so many people would provide and email address like "baddest_b*tch420" or sexymama_69" to a potential employer, but a lot of people do.

16. From Dumbalinaa:

I wasn’t necessarily an employer, but i was a manager of a small restaurant. The owner valued my input but i couldn’t hire or fire anyone without his permission.

I had a kid bring in his application, and I guess he was making jokes and forgot to fix it. Under “expected pay” he wrote “minimum sh*t”.

He was hired and he was not a good fit.

17. From hellohumansandothers:

Was hiring in retail, got an amazing CV, fit the position perfectly. They didn't put any contact details on the CV...

18. From hoagiexcore:

Someone once tried to tell me they had a "rapier like wit" but made a very unfortunate typo.

19. From Pearlbarleywine:

Applicant had been convicted for theft under a $1000. One special skill: “money handling.”

20. From Pin-Up-Paggie:

Had someone put down “Jesus” for a reference.

Bathroom stalls are the original Twitter: a place for drunk people to share their cleverest, filthiest one-liners. They're a place to poo and pee with a side of poetry.

People shared the toilet humor they saw in stalls on nights out that have stayed with them longer even longer than the diseases they picked up in the filth.

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"I F**ked your mother", then underneath that in different handwriting, "Go home dad you're drunk" -rorschach2

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"A fart is the lonesome cry of an imprisoned turd." -chewbecca86

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"Here I sit, a** a-flame, only Taco Bell to blame." -bottle_O_pee

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"They paint these walls, to hide my pen/But the Sh*thouse Poet strikes again." -Chaka747

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"Our a**es have touched the same seat, we are brothers." -nublu2u1

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"Some come here to sit and think.

Some come here to sh*t. It stinks!

But I come here to scratch my balls.

And read the writing on the walls." -UsernameCensored

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Someone left a 4/5 star review in a toilet stall at this club I used to work at then wrote "I would sh*t here again."-mcvr00

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On the inside of the stall door: “Wanna play toilet tennis? Look left”

On the left wall: “Look right”

On the right wall: “Look left”

Kept me busy for quite some time. -helix274

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"If you ever feel powerless, just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant." -EPsych6534

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"Why piss on the floor when you can be a hero and sh*t on the ceiling." -crazycajun660

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Someone wrote “Call this number for a good time ;)” and under it a phone number. I called it and it was to a petting zoo in the next state. -Trevor-On-Reddit

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“F*ck sports” in a bathroom at a stadium, seen during a game. Made me chuckle. -garbagemayor

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“Toy Story 2 was okay” -mrsbship

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Scrawled on the Porta-Potty wall:

"I asked the travel agent to send me to a place where blue waters would splash over my feet. I ended up here." -dkstr419

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I've put giant googly eyes on urinals. I thought it was funny. -ButtcrackBeignets

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<My full name> <Mobile number> Text for sex / hook up / nonsense.

Made my chuckle as it was a real number, it was not my number. -Goetre

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"Here I sit, on the pooper

Giving birth to another state trooper." -cmaj7flat5

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If you look straight ahead, you see an arrow pointing left. It points to another along the side wall to your left, then to others that lead behind you and down to the left where it simply reads “you are now sh*tting at a 45 degree angle”-mojave_moon

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"If you sprinkle When you tinkle Please be neat, And wipe the seat" -Campcook62

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"Apple Fart."

Don't know what it meant but every f*cking time I saw it I fucking died laughing. -coooooookie32

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Approximately two paragraphs written in black sharpie on a white wall on the topic of how sexy Megyn Kelly's feet were. -ProfessionalMisogyny

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Sat down at a toilet, looked over to my right and saw someone had written “I left a flock of crabs on the seat. Have fun.” -schnit123

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In college someone wrote on the outside of the stall in the ladies room in huge artsy letters, "Poop loudly! Fart freely!" It was honestly kind of inspirational. -littlemantry

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"It's better to cum in the sink than to sink in the cum." -I_Like_F0oD

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Something that looked like a gang logo, and below it, “You must be gangsta if you’re tagging the sh*tter in Barnes & Noble." -Murgatroyd314

If you're utterly obsessed with true crime shows, podcasts, and books, you absolutely relate to these hilarious memes. Anyone who's fascinated by serial killers and tries to solve cold cases in their free time will agree this list is absolutely to die for.

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While ice-breaker exercises are meant to make classrooms less awkward, there's always a potential for them to devolve into pure bizarre chaos.

Some children, simply do not understand the need for a filter, and when asked to share something about themselves are eager to splay out the most gory details of their lives. While it's certainly entertaining, it's hard to keep everyone focused after a child gives an oral history of the blood that gushed out of them during a bike accident.

Teachers jumped onto a popular Reddit thread to share the weirdest thing a student said during an ice-breaker, and the answers are pure, terrifying gold.

1. From chrissiwit:

I had a student tell me that sometimes his dad got drunk and asked his mom for things; as I was starting to tell him he didn’t need to elaborate any further, he continued with “like soup and he yells it like ‘soooooooooup’” it took every bit of restraint to not laugh. It’s been years and years since that happened but I still laugh when I think about it.

2. From woffdaddy:

I teach middle school, This one still takes the cake.

That his mom and dad have the same parents. I asked him to clarify because I didn't understand what he was saying and he said "I only have one set of grandparents, they had the same parents" I quickly moved to the next student so no one else would realize that this kid just told the class that his parents were siblings...

I talked to him about it the next day in private and he said that he got it mixed up, his parents don't have the exact same parents, they shared a dad... I felt so much better when the mom called me to let me know her elderly step-father married her husband's elderly mother. Still weird, but much better.

3. From JokerzPrincezz:

“My arm is F*CKED y’all” in the deepest southern drawl and proceeded to wildly swing his “f*cked” up arm around.

He was 12, had Erb’s palsy and also got detention that day.

He might be one of my fav students.

4. From sortaplainnonjane:

Opposite side of the classroom, but on day 1 of class our professor spent most of the time talking about himself, his mental health, and how he was friendly with students. While he didn't say anything specifically creepy, the more he talked, the more put off I was. It just seemed deeper than a "get to know you as the first time I'm meeting you" speech should have gone. It was an intro to research class and I already had research experience so I got permission to waive it and I dropped the class.

Later learned he killed his previous TA/girlfriend before killing himself.

5. From MadWhiskeyGrin:

Student told me that there is a chapter dedicated to him in a dental surgery textbook because of a very rare disorder that he had as a child. I may still have that essay.

6. From The-Goat-Lord:

Not a teacher but this happened when I was 17 at school camp during a "bonding exercise."

Teacher: tell us two truths and one lie about yourself and we have to guess the lie!

Weird kid: I play PlayStation, I like Doritos and I am an alcoholic.

The teacher: the lie is you are an alcoholic!

Weird kid: got you, I play Xbox.

My god the look on the teachers face.

7. From iiinnkk:

A student, not a teacher, but once we were going around a circle during percussion camp in the front ensemble and my teacher goes “hello everyone, my name is ____ and I have sh*t my pants as an adult.”

Definitely one of the weirder ones I’ve heard.

8. From Muffin141:

During French class, A guy in my class said that he liked stabbing children. He meant that he fences but didn't know the exact translation for that.

9. From jousby1988:

During an introductory activity for my new class, a boy, aged 9, got up and said 'My dog has to wear a cone on its head because dad had his bollocks cut off!'

10. From HEYYMCFLYY:

Kid in my kindergarten class said "My pee pee fell off at Disneyland."

I didn't ask any follow up questions.

11. From GuruBagus:

I was an ESL teacher in Indonesia and a student once told me every morning she cleaned the sh*t on her bed. I asked her to clarify, worried she had a serious digestive issue. She answered: "I brush my teeth, wash face and clean bed sh*t." Bed sheet.

12. From ThatGirlNo1Knows:

I was a helper in a middle school classroom. A young girl, who seemed uninterested, said, with no hesitation, that she can chug an entire bottle of beer. She got expelled later that year for keeping drugs in her locker.

13. From ButNowWeSaidIt:

I teach ESL and every lesson we start the class by sharing something good that happened to us over the last week or so. Needless to say, kids share the most random things ever. I have many weird stories because of that. We enforce a rule that they need to share good things so they don't start one upping each other over whose grandma had the worst death lol.

One day, a student said: "I was riding my bike over the weekend when I fell.", I could see where it was going but didn't have enough time to enforce the rule when he just spat out: "I fell over a wired fence and cut my neck, it just kept gushing blood, a lot of blood.". I reminded him that we were only sharing good news when he said: "It's good because I'm still alive.". I had a good laugh and agreed but the damage was done, every kid after him wanted to share about the most horrific injury they had or witnessed.

14. From _JazzyJake_:

I am not a teacher but this guy in my class named Shane has this medical condition that causes him to grow tons of hair at an early age. Full beard in middle school. He would say “I’m Shane and I’m Very Hairy.”

15. From ModernMissTexas:

‘My dad clogged the toilet this morning and that’s why I’m feeling frustrated’ -5 year old child.

I will say the question was “how are you doing this morning?” But I could barely keep from laughing out loud!

16. From bigcup321:

In the context of having students introduce themselves one-by-one to a new boy in a small high school class, a girl said her parents got her a nose job and a boob job.

17. From marshallsays:

A student once told my wife that her daddy had a special device that he had to blow into to start his truck.

18. From your-favorite-ginger:

In third grade, we would do this weekly "how was your weekend" sort of thing where we'd sit in a circle and share. This one girl casually goes "I found out that my biological father didn't want me" in a super nonchalant tone and everything. I still remember the awkward tension.

19. From whateverreddit88:

That he has been to juvie multiple times and is currently on probation. Then he pulled up his pants enough that everyone could see his ankle monitor. That was...something.

20. From ShrimpHeavenAngel:

We did one of those two truths-one lie bits. Girl stands up and says, "I've never been out of the country. I'm a twin. I love playing sports." I knew this girl beforehand and knew she didn't have a twin, so picked that one.

Nope. She had a conjoined twin that died in utero and had to be surgically removed and she's now missing the last vertebrae on her spine. Showed us the scar and everything. Apparently the lie was the first one as she'd been to Mexico.

Summer 2020 isn't exactly the "positive vibes beach mood vacation party" that Instagram influencers promised us we could manifest if he wish it out loudly to our crystal collection...

It's safe to say that 2020 is a wet pile of fiery dumpster dirt and summer during a global health crisis with some states hitting their peak and others leveling out with the ominous promise of a second wave isn't exactly an easy breezy chill setting. It's critically important that we wear masks, social distance, and do everything we can to protect ourselves and others. If that means keeping up the Zoom happy hour tradition, you better continue to pop that boxed wine while communicating with your friends only through tiny squares and weird virtual backgrounds.

Luckily, people on Twitter haven't lost their sense of humor and Twitter remains the premium source for jokes despite what dancing TikTok teens say. So, enjoy these funny tweets from women and stay safe, everyone!

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Sun's out, guns out...and mosquitos sucking blood out of said guns.

The flip side of hot weather and summer fun is that mosquitos are on the prowl, biting peoples' bodies and not in a sexy way.

Reading these tweets will keep at least one of your hands too busy to scratch your mosquito bites.

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Narrowly escaping death is a terrifying experience that nobody should have to go through. But at least those who have survived a brush with death will always have a good story to tell at dinner parties.

Someone asked Reddit: "what was your 'So. This is how I'm going to die' moment?" These 18 people share stories of the near-death experiences they luckily survived:

1.) From fullonfulton:

House was burning down. Was spraying the fire with a garden hose while waiting for the firefighters to show up. Start seeing fire coming out the window next to my gas canister. First thought - huh, guess I'll die. Then I thought about moving it.

2.) From Cannabilistichokie:

When I realized I was being stalked by a bear when I was hiking alone and I was two miles from my car. I have been in lots of sketchy situations in my life due to my troubled past and have had weapons pulled on me at times. The amount of pure helpless terror I felt when I realized that bear was following me was insane compared to any situation I had been in before. I have been able to fight my way out of any situation. But I knew I couldn't fight myself out of this situation. The only reason I lived was because I walked backwards facing it the whole time not exposing my back so it's predator instincts wouldn't kick in, but even then if it decided to charge me at any reason I was f*cked. It just got bored of me and left. I was so scared and had so much adrenaline pumping that I was literally shaking. That primal I am about to get eaten fear is unreal. It is a fear that is way stronger than any horror movie or ghost story will give you.

3.) From ViolaNguyen:

Asshole drunk driver hit my car while I was stopped at a light. I hope I'm never again in a spinning car.

4.) From WetHotAmericanBadger:

I was on a swim team when I was a young teen. After practice sometimes we would assist the lifeguards with pulling the tarps over the pool. One day I dropped my goggles in deep end and went down to grab them, and when I came back up the tarp was already being brought over. I pushed up on the tarp as hard as I could but the water wouldn’t separate because of the lack of air. I was fairly certain I was going to drown. I eventually made my way to the end of the tarp. My eyesight is terrible so opening my eyes wouldn’t have been much help. As soon as I found the opening I took the most refreshing breathe of air I have ever inhaled. Some kid on the team called me a dumbass because I almost died, thanks Cory.

5.) From Shes_dead_Jim:

After a car accident, sitting in the road watching the stream of blood going into the snow. As my vision started tunnelling I just kinda accepted it and fell asleep.

I woke up in the ambulance, beamed a big smile at the paramedics just in time to watch the heart monitor going flat, and said something along the lines of "Well, that ain't good! Y'all best fix that noww^ww..."

And then promptly died for about a minute.

6.) From desertrat329:

Walking my new puppy and two dogs jumped their yard. Pit and a boxer. I chucked my dog over a wall into a different neighbor's yard as they were trying to bite her. That's when they started chewing. One on each arm and took me to the ground, I got back up. I started screaming and a neighbor came out and scared them away. 3 hours of surgery and plastic surgery on my partially ripped off ear. I was sure I was being killed. I think the only reasons I survived is staying on my feet and my neighbor coming out. God bless him and his gun lol. I came out lucky, scars but no permanent damage.

7.) From CaptainAmerisloth:

Surfing and I got pulled into a wave. I had paddled out farther than them on a day that was bigger than what I should have. It was that feeling of not being able to catch your breath because right as I would surface, another wave would crash on me and I'd go back under.

8.) From Not-an-Ocelot:

When my appendix ruptured and I was rushed in for an immediate surgery fading in and out of consciousness and I asked the surgeon what were my changes and he refused to tell and just said i won't let you die

9.) From pfysicyst:

When I was small, I was shooting plastic beads out of my nose. One got stuck and wouldn't come out, and I figured it would kill me. I didn't want to bother anyone about it so I went to bed and waited to die.

It fell out of my nose right before I fell asleep.

10.) From rarebird22:

A snowstorm hit as I was crossing over a mountain pass surrounded by woods. Sleet fell hard and heavy. I couldn't see the road.

The car slid. I gently turned the wheel sideways and let off the gas. Instead of slowing down, the car picked up speed. I was closer to the drop off than I'd realized. I didn't jerk the wheel; didn't want to over-correct.

I went into a ditch, still going much too fast. Tree branches and trunks were within feet of me, then scratching the car's paint.

Instead of being scared, I became peaceful. "This is it," I thought, "I'm going to die, but it'll be okay." Just after this (though it seemed much longer) the car slowed, then stopped. I sat there for a while afterward.

11.) From puzzlingpuffling:

I fell of my bike because of snowy roads that had turned to ice. My fall was almost instantaneous and basically painless, but I fell with my body and my head into the road. I looked back with my head on the asphalt and saw the wheels of a very heavy car driving directly towards my face. The car moved out of the way and missed me by a few inches.

This was so strange, because basically nothing happened. I walked the rest of the way to school with my clothes all soaked from the snow. I was immediately yelled at for being late, followed by having to solve some math problem in front of the class. Then I just broke down and started crying and ran out of the class. It suddenly hit me that that moment had felt like I was going to die. Even now, it still seems like such a small thing, and there have probably been scarier moments in my life, but this one happened so damn quick. In this tiny moment I was so sure that this was it, so it always stuck with me.

12.) From Pike_or_Kirk:

Cruising down a county road going about 60mph when my driver's side front wheel just...fell off. I immediately lost control of the car and swerved across the incoming lane and down the embankment - which just so happened to be a large copse of trees densely packed. Once I saw the trees racing towards me I remember thinking "I'm probably gonna die". Somehow I managed to avoid death. Never did find the tire though.

I also had a brain hemorrhage when I was 25 and spent 10 days in ICU. My platelets stopped functioning properly and my blood wouldn't clot. It wasn't the same kind of instant "Oh my God this is it" feeling that you get when something abruptly happens to you, but I had a good long few days wondering if I was going to make it through.

13.) From Stropi-wan:

I had the symptoms of.a heart attack.Battling to breath was the more scary part.Turned out to be inflammation next to my lungs.Shit thing was that it happened while I was at work and my seniors refused to take me to a doctor,had to call my wife to fetch me.

14.) From IceFireDragon1103:

Driving through a storm with tornado. Scary. It was very scary. The sky was green and I could hear a tornado forming. The driver (my dad) drove us away from it and we were fine. Later found out that storm had like 13 tornadoes.

15.) From bigmac71487:

I’m a union ironworker, and I was connecting a steel building in Alaska like two winters ago. My partner and I were on the third floor waiting for the crane to swing back with the next tree of iron( 5 pieces rigged up at a time) Luckily another trade had asked for a large air compressor to be picked up and set on a finished portion of the roof, or I probably wouldn’t be writing this now. Operator sets air compressor and the hook on guys start rigging up the next tree to the crane. I hear a strange vibrating sound. My first thought was that it was a ground compactor firing up somewhere near us, and my partner looks at me and says ,” Someone is going to have to turn that f*cking thing off!” It sounded like a thousand angry wasps and, The vibrating grew louder and and louder and I realized it was an earthquake! We were about thirty feet up and the whole steel frame started swinging around wildly. All the lights in the neighborhood started flashing on and off, car alarms were going off, and I was looking for somewhere to jump if the building actually collapsed. My partner screams ,”What do I do!!!” I said f*cking hold on!!!!! There are a lot of lucky things in this actually, the day before we were waiting for a load of iron so we could continue hanging, so we spent the day before hanging a bunch of plumb cables to straighten the building out before you tighten the bolts etc. The whole building looked like a wave coming towards us, but the plumb cables kept it from collapsing I believe. I was shitting my pants until the “wave” crashed over us,but once I felt the building flex and start to swing back the other direction I knew I wasn’t going to die. It was a 7.0 earthquake which was quite the shaker! Biggest one I’ve ever been alive through for sure. After the shaking subsided we started to make our way over to the ladder to get down. All of our coworkers came sprinting over shouting if we were okay or not. I just shouted ,” Are we taking our coffee break now !?” Everyone had a good laugh and we got to the ground. Nobody was hurt except the crane which needed an inspection and a minor repair!!

16.) From Duck-Yo-Couch:

COVID-19. When I laid down to sleep, for the first time in my life, I could feel the massive weight of my body sinking into the bed and I couldn't move. Not even move to get into a more comfortable position, just too tired to move.

17.) From Anakin255:

When I got struck by lightning. I was trying to get indoors before the storm hit. I found myself in an open I made this stupid choice to run through it. When I saw the sky lit up and saw the lightning coming towards me. That's what I said this is how I'm going to die. Of course I was lucky I was struck by the bolt, through me so quickly is the worst damage was the burn marks and passing out.

18.) From thelmandlouise:

Got caught in a riptide, dragged way out into the gulf of mexico, circled by sharks, and randomly saved by a boat passing by

"Mother Teresa didn’t walk around complaining about her thighs – she had shit to do."

-Sarah Silverman

We, women, are way too hard on ourselves. There's so much pressure on us to look perfect, act perfect and take care of everyone else perfectly while we're at it. Sometimes we just need to take a break and have a good belly laugh to get through the day. These hilariously relatable memes will definitely tickle your funny bone and brighten your mood.

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It's safe to say that if you're living with a partner during lockdown, you're learning a lot about them.

One husband's in the doghouse after he revealed a little too much about his fantasy life to his wife and all their friends during a Zoom quiz.

He posted on Reddit asking if he was the a-hole for naming his spin instructor as his "dream woman" during a Zoom quiz, when every other guy on the call named their wife or an unattainable celebrity. Yikes!

The husband in question explained he and his wife were playing a trivia game in which couples compete to prove they know each other best:

So my wife and I have been doing a game night every so often with some other couples via zoom since we can’t go out and see people lately.

We were playing this card game the other night that was like basically a trivia game for couples to play and you are asked a question and you write down your answer and your partner has to guess what they think you answered. If they guess correctly your team gets a point. Whichever couples knows each other the best wins.

When the "dream woman" question came up, he came up with a strategy:

So some of the questions in this version were a little spicy and one of the questions was “Who is your dream man/woman to have sex with.” I wrote down my spin instructor, since my wife knows I think she’s hot, and thought she’d guess her and we’d get a point.

His little plan backfired:

Well, f*** me, turns out every other husband either wrote down their wife or a celebrity/fictional character.

My wife was livid, and upset. I tried to explain I didn’t actually want to do anything with my spin instructor and I would never even briefly consider being unfaithful, it was just me trying to play the game.

Now he's in the doghouse:

She doesn’t believe me, saying everyone else’s instinct was women who didn’t exist or better yet, their wives. I feel really bad, but also really confused. I don’t know how to deal with this. Is she overreacting or am I an a**hole?

Pretty much everyone agrees that he's the a-hole in the situation — and also that he's not that smart.

Minkiemink laid it out clearly:

Who humiliates their wife in front of friends? Oh...right..... You do. I would strongly suggest you quit your spin class immediately and spend as much time and effort as it may take groveling to win back your wife's trust. Good grief man.

PoweredByCarbs pointed out his ingenious strategy wasn't that great, because the question is clearly designed for the player to name their partner:

That question is in the game specifically for you to look good when you write your wife’s name, and you absolutely blew it in spectacular fashion.

ProspectorJim101 pointed out another truism about this type of question:

"Dream girl" - i.e. someone you will literally never get the chance with, like a celebrity. You don't put down someone that you know in real life that you interface with on a regular basis.

153799 said honesty is not the best policy here:

Dude - really? REALLY?

She will NEVER forget this. Ever. She's absolutely right, you should have known to say your wife. Why on earth would you say your dream sex partner is a fit, healthy, attractive woman that you see on a regular basis? Why??!?

And added:

I hope you're prepared to change spin classes or whatever they're called because your wife is never going to be ok with this.

+1 for honestly but -1 million for being such a dolt.

PeachyPosterior said this doesn't augur well for their future:

You just told your wife you're settling for her in terms of attraction and you would rather sexually be with someone you not only know in person but already have an established relationship with (instructor/student)

It doesn't matter that you have no plans on being unfaithful, you just made her feel like garbage compared to a tasty snack you see on the regular. I wouldn't be surprised if this festers into a permanent wedge in your relationship.

So there you have it. If this question comes up in a Zoom quiz, for the love of god, name your partner!!

No matter where you are, nighttime is usually when things get creepy.

A recent Reddit thread asked people to name the scariest thing that ever woke them up in the middle of the night. From tornados to possums, here are the best answers.

1. Hallucination? Ghosts? Who can say?

Once i woke up because i heard music playing from the kitchen and i thought maybe mum forgot to turn the radio off. I went through the dark hallway to the kitchen to turn the radio off but when i was standing in the dark kitchen there was no music playing everything was as quiet as always at 3am. - NesWhatElse

2. Hopefully it was just a midnight doorknob enthusiast...

I heard someone quietly trying my front doorknob late at night (I wasn't quite asleep yet). I checked with my room mate later, and it wasn't them. It happened once or twice more, but I never got to the door quickly enough to see who it was through the peephole.

Nothing ever came of it, and I live somewhere else now. - sandwastes

3. In the woods at night, everything sounds like a bear...

When I was a kid, we went camping in the woods. I heard what I thought was a bear outside our pop-up camper and it woke me up. Me and my two brothers were sleeping on one side, with me in the middle, and our parents were sleeping on the other side.

It was completely dark so I couldn't see a thing. But, I could hear what I thought was a bear snorting around outside. I was scared to death. I couldn't figure out a way to climb over my brothers and cross to the other side to wake up my father, without making noise and alerting the bear to the tasty meal waiting inside.

So, I just lied there perfectly still for the whole night, waiting for giant claws to rip their way through the canvass.

As the sun came up and I started to see, I noticed that the lump that was my father in a sleeping bag was rising and falling with the bear's snorting. Turns out my dad's snoring had kept me up all night in absolute fear. - ButterDeLaPeanuts

4. Terrifying!

The night I watched the movie The Conjuring, I woke up to my bed shaking and all the clothes hanging in my closet rattling like crazy. Took me quite some time to realize it was an earthquake and not the devil come visiting.

When I was in my final year at high school, I had trouble sleeping at night with my final exams approaching. I think I dozed off for a bit and suddenly woke up to see a person's face staring in through my window grill. I was in such a panic I literally couldn't move or scream. Luckily he saw me wake up and escaped. - cruxdude

5. Who wouldn't scream at this?

A poster falling down from the wall. I’m pretty sure my neighbors heard my scream - FireAndFlame55

6. This is the worst place to find a spider.

I had a large camel spider run over my face at about 3 am. That was not a pleasant sensation. - davehone

7. Cats love to make insane noises after the sun goes down.

My cat howling at another cat through a screen in the door. Sounded like a demon. - doctechnical

8. This person gets a lot of props for not killing the clown doll with fire.

My sister had an all white clown doll that hung from the ceiling on a little swing. In the summertime, we slept with our doors and windows open to get the cool air in. When I woke up one night hearing some tapping against her window down the hall. If i sat up in bed and look down the hall, and I could see into the front of her bedroom.

So I did, and I see this fucking clown swinging back and forth against her window, back lit by the street lamp, but clearly staring directly into my soul like it was all it desired in this world.

I didn't sleep well that summer. - i_fckin_luv_it_mate

9. Dreams can be so scary.

The extremely realistic feeling of a bare hand grabbing my foot which made me wake up instantly only to realize it was somehow a dream - Jakdavies

10. This must have been scary.

My dog barking because "cops" were banging on the doors and windows of our airbnb, flashing their lights into each and every room. Called 911 and she told us to not answer the door because she doesn't see cops in our area. YUP - CriticalNatural9

11. A wild ride.

I woke up with chunks of teeth in my mouth and severe abdominal pain (probably swallowed some tooth). Then, I looked across the room and there was a pool of blood on the opposite side of the room. After quickly spitting out the rest of the teeth bits, I went to the bathroom and was shocked to see my ENTIRE face was bleeding, but from a deep cut in my chin and not from my missing tooth.

I realized that I had sleepwalked, then decided to fall asleep while standing on the other side of the room and did a belly flop straight on the floor, and then somehow after all of that, got up again and WALKED BACK INTO BED and fell asleep for a few more hours. I had to get a new tooth from a student doctor that I’ve never gotten fixed. I also ended supergluing my busted chin together because I couldn’t afford stitches. - bjorkmorrissette

12. This dog was smart.

The sound of my front door handle jiggling and the door being opened. My dog launched off the bed and slammed into the door while snarling. He’s never acted like that. I called him back to me because I knew it was my roommate coming home. Roommate came out of his room and asked what was going on. Apparently he’d forgotten to lock the front door. - totallyrin

13. No one wants to wake up in a tornado.

My first tornado. Woke and listened carefully and asked the wife "Is that rain or wind?" Just then both of our phone started beeping alerts and that put us in motion. In hindsight we reacted about a minute later than we should have. Got lucky and it contacted the ground about a miles past us. - TNShadetree

14. This sounds... not fun for anyone.

It turned out to be funny. Someone was trying loudly to break into a car just outside my (ground floor) bedroom window that faced a large parking lot in an apartment complex. He was trying to smash the windows and wasn't strong enough, and was yelling a lot. I called the police. I heard every word they said when they showed up. It turned out that he was trying to break into his own car, because he was too drunk to find his own keys in his own pocket. - Jabberhakke

15. Definitely Bigfoot.

When I went cycling and camping alone in Saguaro National Park, Tucson AZ, which maybe wasn't the smartest thing to do by yourself. I was in my mid twenties and went specifically to look for and photograph animals, namely snakes, so I had no fear of creatures. I set up camp one night in a gravely area, and was woken up in the middle of the night by footsteps approaching my tent in the gravel.

What scared the living s*** out of me and kinda, sorry if this makes me sound like a p****, put me off camping alone forever, is that it really sounded like something very heavy and bipedal. Like a crazy person coming to murder me. Or sasquatch. It appoached my tent with slow, heavy footsteps crunching in the gravel. I didnt hear any other sound, no breathing or rustling of clothing. Just crunching gravel. There were just two footsteps not four. It came right up to the tent, then walked away, slowly.

I have no idea what it was, and it may have been a mountain lion, they can walk pretty stealthily. But the thought of a human being walking around in the desert at night and slowly approaching me while I slept is what scared me the most, not the thought of an animal or monster. I wanted to call out "hello?" but was literally paralyzed with fear. I didn't sleep again that night, but came out at sunrise to find zero evidence, and just carried on with my trip without incident but have not been camping alone since. - grass-snake-40

16. Oh nooooo.

I had an industrial size rat dying from rat poison come thru a panel in my closet and up into bed with me at 2am. - BookwyrmsRN

17. This could've ended way worse.

When I was 18 I'd broken my leg, and it was non weight bearing so I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs. Woke up to a guy climbing in the window directly over my head. I'd obviously left the window open a crack and he'd seen an opportunity. To be honest, as scared as I was, I'm fairly sure I scared the shit out of him too as he screamed and ran away after I hit him with my crutch. - chellis820

18. A very large possum is just as scary as a criminal.

I woke up and heard someone walking outside my bedroom window, the window was open and there were leaves on the ground. I got up and put my back against the wall next to the window. I heard a very distinct human walking sound getting closer and closer. I was pooping my pants at this point, they were now very close and I could see out the window but I could not see them.

I was pressed against the wall as the footsteps got closer and closer. Then the footsteps got quieter as the being got farther away. It took every nerve in my being to look out that window and nothing. I went outside and looked back there, baseball bat in hand and saw a very large possum, no scary criminal. - Hamfiter

19. A British woman burglar!

Bf was out of town and I heard a voice in the middle of the night. My dogs woke up and barked too. Heard the voice again- sounded like a British woman. Grabbed the gun and started lurking the house like wtffffffffff . . . It was my carbon monoxide detector that apparently TALKS to tell me the battery was low. But it scared the shit out of me for a few minutes - givebusterahand

"The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh."

-Amy Schumer

No matter how tough things get, there is always something to laugh at. For example, this list has 27 somethings to laugh at. These completely random and hilarious memes are just the mood booster you need to rule the day. You've got this!

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"MySpace" is trending on Twitter and while the reason is unclear, the nostalgia overload for Millennials is both hilarious and cathartic...

Is our very first loyal friend Tom coming back to save 2020, and why does that classic photo of him make him look so young when I remember thinking at 14 that he was truly ancient?

Are we all going to learn basic code again to make sure our profiles instantly blast our favorite songs when someone goes to our page, written entirely in flashy glitter font? Rest in peace long side bangs, ultra-high angle selfies that made everyone have alien eyes, and ruining friendships at the lunch table over who you chose for your "Top 8."

These TikTok teens have no idea how good they have it these days. Nothing went "viral" on MySpace except maybe a 65-question personality quiz you spent hours filling out in your family's "computer room." There were no such thing as "likes," and you were lucky if you got 4 comments from your friends on your newest selfie taken in the woods to seem "deep." If you remember the wonderful world of MySpace, you're not alone. Here are the funniest tweets we could find about the early 2000s emo teen internet wonderland. Enjoy!

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The White House has advice for the 30 million Americans who have lost their jobs: get a new job.

Ivanka Trump is the face of the #FindSomethingNew ad campaign, which shares stories from Americans without four-year college degrees who have switched careers.

The issue of unemployment has taken on new urgency in the coronavirus crisis, as the administration's failure to contain the outbreak has cost Americans their lives or their livelihoods.

People are criticizing both the message and the messenger of "Find Something New," comparing the pithy hashtag to the original out-of-touch aristocrat's catchphrase, "let them eat cake."

Ivanka Trump, who is not a Senior White House Advisor because of her expert grasp of policy or her vast experience in public service, is hardly a believable face of job training initiatives.

Plus, has she ever even searched for a job before? Charlie on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia mocked "get a job!" people the best.

The "Find Something New" slogan also conveniently lends itself to enhanced plastic surgery jokes.

It's also a less-than-clever slogan to introduce in an election year which may very well force the entire Trump administration to #FindSomethingNew.

Here's hoping that Ivanka doesn't go around telling coronavirus widows to simply "find a new husband."

Even a global pandemic can't get in between Kylie Jenner and a public bikini photo shoot on sacred Native American ground.

Recently, the "self-made billionaire" went on vacation with her family to Utah, where she posed for some bikini pics. Because what is a "vacation" if not a photo opportunity, really????

On Sunday, she posted the photos on Instagram.

She made sure to cover all of the angles. The woman is nothing if not thorough.

These photos are believed to have been taken at Antelope Canyon, a slot canyon on Navajo land that is supposed to be currently closed off to tourists to protect its people from the coronavirus outbreak

People are calling Jenner's photoshoot "disrespectful" and indicative of her "white privilege."

The Navajo Nation, which spans Utah, Arizona, and New Mexico and is home to more than 173,000 people, has faced one of the country's worst coronavirus outbreaks.

Others pointed out that Kylie is not wearing a mask in the photos, despite masks being mandatory in the area since April.

Jenner has yet to comment on the controversy. In her defense, her head may be too heavy for her to read Twitter.

There is a seemingly endless ongoing discussion surrounding financial date etiquette, and whether it's best to go dutch or have one party pay.

While there are a myriad of opinions on the subject, and many gendered and heteronormative takes, one of the most commonly agreed upon conclusions is that whoever initiated the date should pay.

However, not all dates go smoothly, and that begs a whole different question: should you still pay if you feel the other person is treating you rudely?

In a recent post on the Am I The A*shole subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for splitting the bill with his date, after he felt she was rude to him.

AITA for asking the check to be split after my date was rude?

OP had been messaging a woman for a few weeks before they agreed to meet in person.

I had a date with a girl, we had been messaging back and forth for a couple of weeks and I said we should meet and get to know each other, she agreed and we set a time and place.

The date was going pretty well until the topic of past bad dates came up.

We met outside and made our way in together making small talk, we got to our table and the conversation flowed. It looked like it was going good, the topic got on to previous dates we had, mainly the bad ones. She said she had quite bad luck with dates and guys being only after one thing.

At this point she off-handedly remarked that he shouldn't expect sex in exchange for dinner.

She then made the comment I hope just because you’re buying dinner you don’t expect me to sleep with you. I was a little taken aback with that and said no of course not. She just rolled her eyes. We got back to normal conversation for a bit but I have to admit that after those comments I was put off her.

The vibe was dead for the rest of the date, so when the check arrived - OP asked the server to split it.

The date carried on but the vibe was dead and I wasn’t interested in seeing her again or carrying on any kind relationship. When the check came I put down my card and the server brought over the machine I gave him my card and said to split the check.

When this took OP's date off guard, OP remarked that she shouldn't expect him to pay just because they were on a date.

She looked surprised at me and started to reach for her bag, she asked the server if he could give us a minute. When looking in her bag she angrily said I thought you were paying, I kind of sarcastically replied just because I asked you out you shouldn’t expect that I would buy you dinner. If looks could kill I’d be dead. She mumbled that I was an a*shole and pulled her card out.

When OP recounted the story to a friend, she called him a jerk, but he doesn't see the problem.

We left quickly after that and went our separate ways. I told a friend this and she said I was a a*shole for doing that as I asked her out. I said I just followed her rules by not to expect anything. Am I the a*shole here?

tropicalfriend thinks OP was totally within his rights.

NTA, assuming/hoping your date will pay is one thing, but for her to straight up tell you you’re paying is sh*tty. Always be prepared to go halfsies.

milee30 thinks OP was being petty.

"Just because I asked [her] out [she] shouldn’t expect that I would buy [her] dinner"

Well...yes, it does. The person inviting should be the person paying unless another arrangement is clear in the invitation.

Would you like to have dinner with me? 8 o'clock at XYZ restaurant = You invited, you should pay.

Should we meet to see if we're a match? Dutch treat at XYZ restaurant? = You've made it clear it's a get-to-know-you and that you're splitting the bill.

YTA but softly.

Marcultist thinks both of them were in the wrong, but OP was more entitled than he'll admit to himself.

ESH. Yes, you did a good job making sure she sounded entitled and stuck up, but I have zero doubts you were put off because you knew you weren't getting lucky.

itsapurseparty doesn't think it was rude to split the bill, but thinks OP's reasoning was vindictive.

YTA, but for a different reason. I don't know what era these commenters are from, but as a woman who's been on many online dates: I go into it thinking the bills will be split, but it's certainly a nice treat for the guy to offer. It's 2020.

However, it sounds like you split the bill out of spite which on its own sets a bad precedent. I don't go on a date to please you - I go to act like myself, get to know you and see if we're compatible. So what if someone is rude? Then don't ask them out again or find a way to leave early. You put down your card when the check came and waited until the server came back to pick it up to reveal that you weren't covering it. You could've told her that when the check was put down instead of surprising her when the server was standing there now waiting on her to find her card.

snidejenner thinks OP was being fragile.

YTA. you were put off by her saying I hope you don't expect sex because you're paying??

Then you don't pay, thus proving her point. Lol.

It's clear that there is no widespread consensus, further proving that everyone has very different opinions on date etiquette.