Quantcast
Channel: someecards.com
Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live

Magic: The Gathering

0
0

Magic: The Gathering is a popular trading card game for people whom life dealt a -5/-5 attractiveness spell.


Aggressive man arrested for "aggressive mopping."

0
0


If you have time to scream, you have time to clean. (Via Daily Star)

Gentlemen, put down your mops. The crown for "Most Aggressive Mopper" has been awarded to John Thornton for his efforts in stealing a hotel maid's mop and and "mopping her into a corner."

According to the Daily Star, Thornton was staying at the Double Tree Hotel in Bristol, Connecticut, when he noticed the terrible tragedy that was a woman incorrectly mopping the floor. Apparently, she was mopping it in a normal, non-aggressive fashion, so he grabbed the mop from her and, as the police report states, began "mopping aggressively."

For those of you who do not know how to mop aggressively, here is the dictionary definition, as defined by Thornton's actions on the police report:

Agressive Mopping (v.) - to wash or wipe up in an agressive manor. 
ex.) "He grabbed the mop from the maid and aggressively mopped the floor himself."
ex.) "He aggressively mopped the hotel employee's shoes multiple times."
ex.) "Police were called after the aggressive mopper backed the woman into the corner and left her shaking and crying."
ex.) "Thornton was arrested and charged with second-degree threatening after he finished his aggressive mopping."

(by Myka Fox)

Contract

0
0

A contract is a formal agreement considered legally binding unless one party says "here's what I think of your lousy contract" and tears it in half.

Dog tries to steal ball from pissed off turtle. It doesn't go well.

0
0

It's like the old saying: never come between a turtle and his ball.

Here's what I want you to do: grab a pencil and quickly jot down in the spaces below the first three things that pop into your mind when you hear the word "turtle." Don't think, just write! Go!

1. ________________________________________
2. ________________________________________
3. ________________________________________

I'll bet you anything that the three things you wrote were: 1) Slow, 2) Hard, protective shell, and 3) Psychotically possessive of their toys. Am I right? Of course I am! It's the only three things that anybody knows about turtles.

The dog in this video below, though, has apparently never caught wind of the third thing. Don't worry. I think he figured it out on his own:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A cat ruined this woman's ukelele song and the Internet rejoiced.

0
0


"Damn You, Cat!" would make a great metal song.

Sadie Somehome may be singing about being scared of dentists and the dark, but from the way she shifts from "pretty girls" to "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!," could put the fear of God into anyone foolish enough to interrupt her ukelele cover of Vance Joy's "Riptide." It certainly scared the crap out of the cat, who probably knocked over the camera out of curiosity, as apposed to the reason the rest of us might. I kid. It's not that Sadie can't sing, it's just that ukeleles are right behind kazoos on the list of annoying instruments that have never improved one song in the history of music.

To her credit, Sadie has a good sense of humor, and posted the video to YouTube knowing that people might get a kick out of her minor key meltdown. "This is my cat, Cali." She wrote, "I love her dearly, but sometimes she is a shitty kitty and a cat-astrophe."

"Cat-astrophe?" Are you kidding me? Goddam you and your puns!

(by Jonathan Corbett)

I like to imagine little Ebolas struggling to become airborne, trying out a bunch of whimsical doohickeys that immediately crash.

0
0
CLARENCEWed, 15 Oct 2014 16:33:19 EDT

I like to imagine little Ebolas struggling to become airborne, trying out a bunch of whimsical doohickeys that immediately crash.

Six-year-old girl tries and adorably fails to name all the Nintendo characters.

0
0


I've got a good feeling about Strong Man.

These are all characters from iconic Nintendo franchises, from the Mario universe to Metroid (Samus), Sonic (yes, now owned by Nintendo), Starfox, Pokemon, and Zelda. Every one of them appears in Nintendo's all-star battle franchise, Super Smash Bros., where you play these iconic characters against each other in a brawl. You probably recognize some of them (uh, is that a Wii Fit person in the bottom right?), others you kinda sorta feel like maybe you've seen, and some are clearly from less-well-known games. If you've been under 30 at any point in the bast 30 years, however, you would probably do better than this six-year-old who actually plays and likes the game. She's apparently the sister of an Icelandic (I think) teenager named Lorenzo who runs a Tumblr called The Soupy Investigations. He's the one who introduced her to all of them and then asked her to name them afterwards. He also posted audio of him going back over them and showing her the correct names:


Heads up: there's an excited 6-year-old who yells "HELLOOOOO" at the start.

For those of you who aren't gigantic nerds, here's the correct roster, complete with series information:

Row 1:
1.) Mario: Mario series. 2.) Luigi: Mario series. 3.) Bowser: Mario series. 4.) Peach: Marioseries. 5.) Donkey Kong: Donkey Kong series.  6.) Rosalina: Super Mario Galaxy.

Row 2:
1.) Diddy Kong: Donkey Kong/Diddy Kong series.  2.) Link: Legend of Zelda (Twilight Princess version)  3.) Zelda: Legend of Zelda series.  4.) Sheik: Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time  5.) Toon Link: Legend of Zelda (various)  6.) Greninja: Pokemon series.

Row 3:
1.) Samus: Metroid series.  2.) Zero Suit Samus: Metroid: Zero Mission  3.) Yoshi: Mario series.  4.) Kirby: Kirby series.  5.) King Dedede: Kirby series.  6.) Lucina: Fire Emblem series.

Row 4:
1.) Fox: StarFox series.  2.) Pikachu: Pokemon series.  3.) Charizard: Pokemon series.  4.) Lucario: Pokemon series.  5.) Captain Falcon: F-Zero.  6.) Robin (male or female): Fire Emblem series.

Row 5:
1.) Marth: Fire Emblem series.  2.) Ike: Fire Emblem series.  3.) Pit: Kid Icarus series.  4.) Pikmin & Olimar: Pikmin series.  5.) Sonic the Hedgehog: Sonic series.  6.) Palutena: Kid Icarus series.

Row 6:
1.) Mii Fighters: Nintendo Wii system generic avatars.  2.) Pac-Man: Pac-Man series.  3.) Villager: Animal Crossing series.  4.) Little Mac: Punch-Out!!  5.) Mega-Man: Mega-Man series.  6.) Wii Fitness Instructor: Wii Fit.

Jeez, kid, c'mon. IT'S SO EASY! So easy it only took me an hour just to look all of them up.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Bono


Cute alert: baby deer and kitten are BFFs.

0
0


Hi. We're being really so very cute right now, thanks. (Via)

To anyone who has complained that they can't make friends with a cat, maybe you should start acting more like an adorable baby deer.

After being rescued by TheLightHouseLadythis baby deer got the opportunity to meet the neighborhood cat, who now is on the receiving end of a salt-lick's worth of attention. Is the cat made of salt, or are they really friends?

They're really friends! 

He shouldn't be alive but he is! They shouldn't be friends but they are! Anything is possible!

They're so cute together, they should be packaged together at pet stores as combination adoptions. 

Or, as TheLightHouseLady explains it, "they adopted each other."

OMFG SO CUTE.

(by Myka Fox)

Afroman remakes "Because I Got High" to emphasize weed's positive aspects.

0
0


Does not apply to Jazz Cigarettes. 

As fun and silly as Afroman's 2001 hit "Because I Got High" was, it was always a song about the worst stereotypes about stoners (well, at least since society got over the 'Reefer Madness' phase of thinking people "jacked up on marijuana" would go on berserker crime sprees). It was, essentially, the greatest anti-marijuana song ever written. The narrator can't clean his room, fails school, becomes a deadbeat dad with no job, and finally ends up in jail. This is a little different than marijuana's current status as the substance of choice for the last 3 presidents, the best Olympic swimmer in history, and the entire company of Twitter.


And kids didn't drop out to become drug dealers, because the industry is regulated.
Doesn't rhyme, though.

So, weed app WeedMaps and cannabis reform organization NORML hired Afroman to revisit his throwing-potheads-under-the-bus classic and focus instead on the ganja's more positive aspects, as well as the positive externalities of legalization. From directly curing ailments, to replacing society's worse habits of booze, pills and cigarettes, to supporting treatment and education through tax revenues.

So what are you waiting for? Whatever you're doing, stop it. You should be getting high.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Woman's epic rant against Bath & Body Works gets a wonderfully unhinged reenactment.

0
0


They said they had the f-cking candles. Is the whole world lies?

Recently, lovers of Internet loopiness fell in love all over again with one woman from Wisconsin who had a little trouble a couple years ago at a Bath & Body Works. 


Busy takin' care of bitchez.

Seems Youtuber Az4Angela, whose channel would indicate that she's dropped anchor in the rarified niche of YouTube dedicated to "Candle Vlogging," called ahead to get some candles and was told they'd be in the store when she swung by. But when she swung by, a woman who will forever be known as "Bath & Body Jen," an antagonist worthy of ancient Greek dramatists, told her she was out of luck. No candles for you.

Luckily for the viewers at home, Az4Angela didn't take the news lightly. When her 2012 Bath & Body rant resurfaced recently, it went viral faster than Jen's fake smile disappears the minute a customer turns her back. Here now is a reenactment of the entire event, done with the magic of Drunk History style lip-syncing.

And in case you missed it, here's the original Vlogger's cut:

(by Bob Powers)

A guy failed the bar exam, so his brother got him this cake.

0
0


A chin only a mother could love.

When redditor joyfulsong's brother failed the bar exam, he wanted to cheer him up. So he got him this unnaturally blue cake with a photo of his bro from his less-attractive days. "I was hoping cake would make things just a tiny bit better," joyfulsong writes. Apparently, it did the trick: "He ate almost half of it so I think it worked."

To prove that his brother has a neck now, joyfulsong also posted a photo of the dude:


Va va moose.

The photo "has nothing to do with the Moose," in case you were wondering. Sharing his photo probably gave the brother a bigger boost than the cake, because the ladies of reddit freaked out over his rugged good looks with comments like "cute," "swoon," and "Your brother is a dream boat." One commenter suggested he could "take my Bar Exam. In my pants."

Good news: joyfulsong confirms he is single. So if you're looking for a guy with a neck who isn't afraid to eat his feelings and will probably be a lawyer someday, look no further.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Real sports.

All yours.

A toddler and a huge dog played hide and seek and it was surprisingly competitive.

0
0


Found girl.

At the risk of being overly analytical about a game of Hide and Seek between a toddler and a Newfoundland–shouldn't Sebastien the Newfie be a little better at finding someone? Especially a toddler, a group notoriously awful at Hide and Seek. 

They've obviously played the game before, so there's about a fifty-fifty chance of the girl hiding behind that couch. Newfies are great family dogs, so it's possible the big guy is humoring the girl and throwing the game. If that's the case, good boy. But if he really had that much trouble finding the girl, he should be ashamed of that effort.

(by Jonathan Corbett)


This is what 'The Walking Dead' would look like with drunk people instead of zombies.

0
0

There's no reasoning with it! Just give it a shot of Jägermeister and run!

The very thought of it keeps me awake at night. A horde of putrid-smelling, disheveled figures shambling mindlessly down the street and leaving naught but destruction and chaos in their wake. It's a horrifying image. Really, if you've never been in the vicinity of Wrigley Field immediately after a Cubs game, consider yourself lucky. Those are some hard-drinking baseball fans.

Anyway, on a slightly less disturbing note, AMC's zombie apocalypse drama The Walking Dead came back to all our television sets this past week and once again set viewership records. I can't help but wonder, though, how well the show would be doing if it tapped into my blood-curdling North Chicago experiences. This mash-up of drunk people and The Walking Dead opening sequence is kind of a window into that particular nightmare: 

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Early Ass-Kissing.

Non-violent praise.

Man finds dead mouse at the bottom of his McDonald's coffee, never stops smiling.

0
0


Ron Morais and his shit-drinking grin.

How sure are you that there isn't a dead mouse at the bottom of your coffee? Totally sure? Mightn't it be just a teensy-weensy bit possible that there is a teensy-weensy dead mouse in there?

That's what you think! That's what Ron Morais of Canada thought too this past Monday, right up until he took the lid off of his cup to get the very last drop. Thats when he found what he described to CBC News as "a little bit of a surprise in my coffee cup. It was a dead mouse."


The best part of waking up.

No. That can't happen. Say it ain't so. 

Morais says it is so. He also says (with a smile that makes me suspicious of every smile I've ever seen) that the mouse didn't come empty handed. He left “a few little, shall we say, presents.”

Who's "we?" Drinking mouse crap is all you, bro. And why are you smiling? Aren't you horrified that maybe you've just caught ISIS Ebola AIDS or whatever is being carried by mice these days?

"I kind of had a little queasiness in my stomach." he said. 

That's it? Get this guy on Fear Factor, pronto. They don't still make that show? Bring Fear Factor back on TV, pronto. I'd rather have a hundred tons of scalding coffee burn my crotch like that one lady than drink brewed mouse. 

How did it take so long to realize there was a dead mouse clunking around in his coffee? Surely this is a retirement plan of some sort. If it is, he's got his co-workers in on it. 

“Unless I had been there and seen Ron drink all that coffee down to the last drop, I would have been, like, 'You're lying,’” said his camouflaged colleague, Brad Patterson.


Death by coffee isn't the worst way to go.

Well, I wasn't there watching Brad watch Ron drink that coffee, so I'm still thinking he's lying. 

This all has a reminiscent odor of Strange Brew. They were in Canada, and they grew a baby mouse in a beer bottle and brought it to the factory in order to get free beer. Morais is either a fan, or this is the only kind of fraud Canadians ever engage in. Also, Strange Brew stars Rick Moranis... this guy's name is Ron Morais. They have the same letters in their name -- except for "ick." Coincidence???

Right now Morais hasn't said the lawsuit word, but instead says he just wants to know how the mouse got in the cup.

Uh, yeah. We all do. What McDonalds employee doesn't notice there's a dead mouse in a cup? Don't they come stacked? Wouldn't it make a splash if it came from the pot? Are we to believe the mouse was in the coffee dispenser and somehow silently slipped through the spout like some rodent version of Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? What personality flaw did this mouse have to deserve such a fate?

The Department of Health inspected the restaurant ("restaurant" LOL) and cleared it of any infractions, citing that there was "no evidence of pests."

Did you check the coffee pots? Are you sure?

McDonalds also had an independent pest control service check things out and they also say there's no evidence of mouseplay, but that doesn't mean this issue is over. In a statement, Mc Donald's said, “We are continuing to investigate this isolated incident and have reached out to the customer to obtain the product sample.”

Dead mouse and droppings are now a product sample? Look out for their fall menu.

(by Myka Fox)

Hourly rate.

Viewing all 38991 articles
Browse latest View live




Latest Images