Metaphor
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Vietnam War
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My two cents.
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Thought leader
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SNL's new Weekend Update anchor might be having trouble getting his family to give a crap.
Don't ever underestimate your family's ability to keep you grounded, no matter how hot shit other people might make you feel. Comedian Michael Che debuted as SNL's new anchor for Weekend Update only a few episodes ago, but if this text convo with his brother is any indication, his family might be already over it.
Maybe his brother's just messing with him. Or maybe he's a Cecily guy. Either way, he'd better get used to making plans for mid-to-late Sunday afternoon.
(by Bob Powers)
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This kid who lives near a Kansas City Royals player woke up to the best 10th birthday ever.
Only weird part of this: he hand-drew return address lines and didn't fill them out.
Redditor Sandbrink lives next door to a little boy named Joey who recently turned 10 years old. Also living in Joey's neighborhood is Nori Aoki, right fielder for the Kansas City Royals, who are currently playing in the World Series. Assuming his Japanese translator Kosuke isn't wildly innacurate, Aoki seems like a really, really nice dude. In any case, Joey woke up to this amazing surprise in his mailbox on the morning of his tenth birthday: exactly the kind of gift that little boys dream about.
Obviously, this was a few days ago now (and the Royals lost Game 1), but the point remains: professional athletes can still make little kids extremely happy and behave in ways that make us admire them. So, in case you don't have your tanslator handy, Mr. Aoki, domo arigato.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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The Official Frankie Muniz Aging Timeline
Written by Dan Abromowitz, Designed by Cole Mitchell
We all loved Frankie Muniz as Malcolm In The Middle, but have you checked in on him lately? Here's how Frankie's fared through the years:
Blast from the past! Here's little Frankie on the very first Malcolm In The Middle.
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And here he is by the end of the show's run. Someone had a lot of growing up to do!
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Of course, we all go through phases...
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...but we grow out of them.
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Frankie's gone electric! Here's America's middle child absolutely rockin' a neuro-adaptive symplant.
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And peep those peepers! Looks like Frankie had a little work done to improve his motion tracking.
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Ever thought you'd see Agent Cody Banks with mechanical mandibles? What even is he now?
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Human head on a mechanical abomination? Check. Still adorkable? Double check!
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Even though Frankie will exist forever as a digital consciousness, he'll always be Malcolm in our hearts.
Follow Dan Abromowitz and Cole Mitchell on Twitter.
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NPR
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Woman sprays herself in the face while screaming in this fire extinguisher fail.
The only thing to fear is fire extinguisher-ing yourself.
The only thing scarier than being consumed by a fire is being sprayed by a fire extinguisher, am I right? Who's with me?
Screw you guys, this Japanese television presenter knows what I'm talking about.
Terrified by the power of the extinguisher, this woman learning how to put out a fire reacts to the white force with a classic fight-or-flight response: spraying her own face and spinning in circles while screaming as though she were actually on fire.
This is how you learn.
(by Myka Fox)
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A toddler crawled into a claw machine and got himself trapped.
"I made a huge mistake."
It's a tale as old as time: little boy discovers claw machine, little boy discovers he can climb inside claw machine, panicked grandma calls the fire department to get little boy out of claw machine.
Earlier this week, 18-month-old Colin Lambert from Maryville, Tennessee was chilling with his grandmother at the local laundromat when he figured out that it was technically possible to jam his little body up into the workings of the establishment's claw machine. So, being an 18-month-old kid, that's exactly what he did. Unfortunately, being an 18-month-old kid, he didn't consider whether it was possible to climb his way back out again. So...
"Is this my new life?"
Honestly, I don't blame the kid. I'm about 500 months older than Colin, and I'm pretty sure I'd have made the same mistake if I suddenly discovered that I could somehow wedge my aging, adipose body up into that thing. Luckily, as I get older, there's an ever-decreasing number of things that I can get myself into. So, my wife rarely has to call the fire department for me these days.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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U.S. News & World Report
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The Mormon church finally explains the whole weird underwear thing with this informational video.
Super powers sold separately.
After annoying and offensive questions about polygamy, there is one annoying and offensive question Mormons dread getting from the rest of us more than any other: the magic underwear question. We, their fellow Americans, can't help it, though. We should... but I don't think we will. More than our curiosity about caffeine and baptizing the dead, speculation about the special undergarments worn by Mormons turns even the most proudly tolerant liberal into a gawking, insensitive jerk.
The file photo from Wikipedia looks decidedly more magical.
This isn't helped by the fact that there are persistent rumors of Mormons saying their undergarments protected them from physical dangers like fire or bullets in supernatural ways, not to mention the tale that Joseph Smith failed to wear his underwear on the day he was assassinated. All this explains why the Mormon Church usually hates discussing the underwear. Until today, that is, because the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints just put out this informational video on their Temple Garments (video starts at 2:39 because that's when they start discussing the undies):
So, what did we learn? Well, for one, Mormons buy their underwear from giant racks of simple, generic blue- or pink-wrapped boxes. I like the lack of branding and commercialism, although it did make me feel like it was a store for giant babies. Men's and women's garments are not very different. The Temple Garments are "similar in design" to boxers and t-shirts, but they are not the same. They are not magical. They would like you to stop saying that. They symbolize Mormons' promises to God and the Church.
From the book of Exodus: obviously, this should explain everything.
Wait. That didn't tell me anything. Is there a flap in the front? Come back! I know it's offensive, but I have so many questions!
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Thousands of dollars have been raised to help a guy who resembles a cop-killer commute to work.
Killer commute.
(via NBC News)
Have you been complaining about your crappy commute to work lately? Maybe the traffic's been bad, or the radio isn't working. Well zip it! At least long enough to read what James Tully has been going through to get to his job and back home, because it will probably make your trip feel like a spa bath.
Tully's five-mile, two-hour walk to and from his gig was already crappy by any measure. But was made measurably crappier recently because he happens to resemble Eric Frein, the infamous Pennsylvania cop killer, who is believed to be hiding out in the same area.
Tully says that being stopped by police has become so common that it's now "part of the routine." Tully doesn't even resemble Frein that much, but enough that he was stopped seven times in one day. I guess you could say that cops have been erring on the side of caution.
The good news for Tully is that, after NBC News ran a story about him, a GoFundMe campaign was created to help buy him a car. As of this writing, over $10,000 has been raised for a new ride.
That's enough to buy Tully a pretty sweet second-hand car. He might also want to take a little time off from work, at least until things cool down a bit.
(by Jonathan Corbett)
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A microbrewery is being sued by Lucasfilm over its Empire Strikes Bock beer.
"No, I am your lager."
[Ed note: The author highly recommends that you read the following blog post with John Williams' "The Imperial March" as musical accompaniment.]
For the past six years, the Empire Brewing Company in Syracuse, New York has offered a style of lager that it has dubbed Strikes Bock. Get it? Do you get it? Like The Empire Strikes Back. See? That's clever.
However, now that Empire is trying to trademark the beer so that they can distribute it, Lucasfilm—which was bought by Disney for all of the money in the world two years ago—is filing a lawsuit to stop the microbrewery from calling it that, saying it sounds too similar to the name of the movie that Empire is rather obviously trying to make it sound like. I like to imagine that they filed it via a highly concentrated legal beam from a small artificial moon which is always orbiting the Earth. But they probably just faxed some papers over to some law office somewhere.
The microbrewery's owner, David Katleski, is painting himself as a sort of scrappy booze-producing rebel just trying to do his thing on his own little base on Yavin IV. "It’s kind of a ‘big dog against small dog’ thing," he told Syracuse.com. "We’ve had this beer for seven years, and we did this [trademark attempt] because we don’t want to infringe on any other beers or anyone else’s trademarks."
That's all well and good, but his company is the one called Empire, so doesn't that kind of make him the Emperor in this situation?
(by Dennis DiClaudio)
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Dog named Piglet "gently" made love to by guy in West Virginia town named Miami.
You must weight at least 40lbs and be spayed to ride this ride. (Via WOWKTV)
Jonnie Boggess, a Miami ,WV man (the Florida of the Appalachians) recently admitted to police that had had "gentle sexual intercourse" with his 2-year-old beagle, Piglet.
She is a dog, but she is named after a pig. It happened in a city called Miami, but that city is in West Virginia. Stay with me, things are going to get rocky.
According to the Charleston Daily Mail, an animal rights activist group called the police on Boggess with a complaint that he had been having sex with his dog.
When the trooper arrived, Boggess admitted that he had had "gentle sexual intercourse" with his pup.
How gentle is gentle enough for a dog? According to Boggess, after the intercourse, he "held ‘Piglet’, petted her, and told ‘Piglet’ that he loved her.”
So romantic. (Via WOWKTV)
Sgt. Larry O’Bryan said that Boggess told him "he thought it was 'OK' to have sex with his dog because it weighed more than 40 pounds and also because Piglet has been spayed."
Spayed? Really? I can't believe no one ever told him that the only good thing about dog sex is that there is never any risk of pregnancy. Did he think he was capable of impregnating an un-fixed dog with some kind of dog/human hybrid? If piglet had never been fixed, would Boggess have worn a condom, or would he have just rolled up some plan B in a piece of ham?
Ever forthcoming, Boggess also told the cops that his girlfriend (what?!) had heard Piglet yelping while they were making love, and he had to tell her that he wasn't hurting her.
Note: Boggess did not refer to her as his "ex-girlfriend," though some believe that she was the one who reported the crime.
WOWK 13 Charleston, Huntington WV News, Weather, Sports
O'Bryan told the WV Gazette that he said "he wished he hadn’t done it. He said he was drunk when he did it."
Well, that explains it. Who hasn't gotten drunk and woken up next to a dog, am I right? I'm not.
Piglet was removed from the home, and Boggess was sent to jail on $5,000 bond. According to the Daily Mail, his bond was paid by "a person."
(by Myka Fox)
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OkCupid jerk claims to be "most published person on the planet," tells off woman who rejects him.
Being a writer also means being an a-hole, apparently. (via)
Redditor valbee got this aggressively sexual opening message from an OkCupid user. When her surprised and offended response elicited a long, unintentionally hilarious rant about the meaning of being a writer, she felt the need to share the interaction on reddit, where it quickly shot to the top of r/OkCupid.
The dude, who claims to be "the most published person on the planet" has still not been identified, but commenters had some pretty good guesses: Stephen King? J.K. Rowling? God? My bet is he is the guy who writes the copy on the sides of packages of Pepperidge Farm cookies, because I understand that's the only way to actually make your living as a writer. Although why he'd be taping a national radio segment is anyone's guess (to promote a new flavor of Milano?).
Then this happened:
(via)
Yep. He used the same line on someone else! I don't doubt reddit's ability to find this guy (and also harass him and destroy his livelihood but nevermind that). Update to follow if they find out who it is.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Yes, some idiots actually do try to ride on the outside of subway cars.
Yes, he's wearing headphones. I guess so people don't talk sense into him?
I've lived in New York City for 8 years now, and I've heard and read a lot of official warnings in the subway. Most of them relate to things I've either seen or can easily imagine, like people stealing iPhones or using a crowded train as an excuse to grope women. Some of them I've even listened to; for example, I no longer walk between cars after hearing an MTA worker describe how the cars can pull apart for a second, allowing someone to fall between them, and then slam back together, trapping...well, it wasn't a pretty mental image.
There's one, though, I just couldn't believe anyone except the dumbest teenager out there could attempt: riding on the outside of the door between the subway and the tunnel wall. Today, this footage of an ultimate douche jabroni from 2011 surfaced, proving that some idiots have, in fact, tried this. Ugh.
Obviously, this guy's stupidity is threatening to cause immense grief for the family members who love him despite everything, but you can't even imagine how many commutes this guy is endangering. Literally millions and millions of hours of work would be lost. You could probably measure the effect of getting an NYC subway line shut down for a day or more would have on the national GDP. Even if it is just the J train.
(by Johnny McNulty)
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Conan tweeted his plans to go as "slutty Madeleine Albright" for Halloween, and real Madeleine Albright shot him down.
Oh, no he didn't. (via)
You don't mess with Madeleine Albright, man. Conan O'Brien tweeted today that he's going as "Slutty Madeleine Albright" for Halloween, but the 77-year-old former Secretary of State wasn't laughing. It was only an hour or so before she responded with her own costume plans:
.@ConanOBrien I'm considering going as hunky Conan O'Brien - but that might be too far fetched.
— Madeleine Albright (@madeleine) October 23, 2014
You got taken down worse than the Serbs in 1999, dude.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)
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Unmoved.
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