1. Will Smith, Jared Leto And Some Other People Confirmed For Comic Book Movie That Is Not 'The Avengers'

Warner Bros. has confirmed rumors that Will Smith, Tom Hardy and Jared Leto will be in the cast of its planned 2016 film adaptation of DC Comics' Suicide Squad series, about a group of supervillains who are tasked by the U.S. government with an extremely dangerous mission in exchange for pardons. Jared Leto will pick up the mantle of the Joker. I could tell you who everyone else was playing, but odds are the names wouldn't mean any more to you than the title Suicide Squad does.

The Suicide Squad cast looks great! I can't wait to get bored halfway through reading the Wikipedia page for whatever it is tonight.

— Erik Tanouye (@toyns) December 3, 2014

2. HBO Buys Martin Scorsese And Mick Jagger's New Show That You Will Watch Every Episode Of

HBO has announced the show that we'll all be watching and obsessing about every Sunday night in a year or so. Terence Winter's Boardwalk Empire follow-up will focus on the seedy, drug-fueled world of the music industry in the 1970s, and will be produced by Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger, who happen to know a thing or twelve about seediness, drugs, music and the '70s.

It doesn't matter how well your life is going, you'll still ask someone for their HBO GO password.

— Tony Sam (@ToeKneeSam) November 19, 2014

3. You Will No Longer Have To Live Under The Cruel Tyranny Of Your Local 10-Year-Old Do-Si-Do Supplier

The long winter of our collective discontent is over. No longer will you be forced to wait impotently by your door in the hopes that a sash-wearing ingenue will ring the buzzer and feed your jones for sweet, sweet cookies. The Girl Scouts of America has just announced an online cookie store. So, go ahead and gorge yourself on Thin Mints and Tagalongs! You deserve it.

Girl Scout cookies can now be sold online! This is simultaneously the most wonderful and terrible thing that's ever happened.

— caprice crane (@capricecrane) December 2, 2014

4. 100 Brains In Jars Go Missing — 100 Frankenstein Monsters May Soon Be On The Way

Hey, guys. No big deal but someone has stolen about a hundred or so jars full of human brains from the University of Texas. Oh, and one of them might have belonged to notorious sniper Charles Whitman. Anyway, go about your day, and don't mind the dozens of stitch-faced abominations shambling toward you from the horizon line. That's a Texas thing.

Whoever stole 100 brains from University of Texas is probably really chill.

— Greg Johnson (@theGregJohnson) December 3, 2014

5. Robot-Voiced Scientist Warns Humanity Of Imminent Robot Uprising

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawking took the time out of his day to warn the human race that we are striving to create smart robots at our own peril. "The development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race," he told a BBC interviewer in his ominous robotic voice. "It would take off on its own, and re-design itself at an ever increasing rate" while "humans, who are limited by slow biological evolution, couldn't compete, and would be superseded." Yeah, but robots are cool, so, you know, it's a trade off.

#StephenHawking says A.I. could 'spell the end of the human race.' Or his computer said it, knowing Hawking couldn't do anything about it.

— Hayden Black (@haydenblack) December 3, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Guacamole costs extra.

No, you aren't hallucinating on your trip to Las Vegas. These bats are real, and they're spectacular.

The tiny baby bats are actually called flying foxes, and unfortunately for these sly bats, an extreme heat event (sustained periods of abnormally and uncomfortably hot, and often humid, weather) caused them to be separated from their mothers, so they had to be rescued by the Australian Bat Clinic.

Once each baby gets properly nursed and receives teeny tiny belly massages, they are individually wrapped into little blanket burritos.

Despite how cute they are, these bat burritos haven't made it to your local Chipotle yet, but you can help them anyway by donating here.

(by Myka Fox)

by Dan Abromowitz

If there's one thing Americans love, it's reasons to spend money. Unfortunately, even with Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, and Giving Tuesday, there just aren't enough opportunities to drain our bank accounts this holiday season. That's why American businesses have banded together to make every day of December an exciting sales event, each more exciting than the last. Take a look at the new commerce calendar:

Happy bargain hunting!!!

Follow Dan Abromowitz on Twitter

Designed by Cole Mitchell

Do they even lift?

Considering the amount of snow on the ground, it looks like things were going to be extreme for this snowboarder one way or the other. Only the thrilling part was supposed to begin after he got off the ski lift. Instead, he became stuck when the lift broke down and had to be saved by a bumbling rescue team who appear to have been new to the whole "getting a guy down from the chair lift" thing. At first, it seems like everything is under control as they begin lowering the boarder to the ground, but when the guy connected to the harness shouts "I'm coming down," it obviously has more to do with gravity than a decision he's made.

At least the rescue team didn't turn in the worst job performance of the day, thanks to the cameraman, who is still learning how to shoot video around his fingers.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

In retrospect, the Fellowship of the Ring should have had matching vests with Frodo.

When I started writing this post, there were just three guys. Since then, more and more people (literally, one more and then another one) discovered that they had received the same immaculately terrible Noah's Ark-themed vest from their grandmother. Either there's a granny out there with a bunch of secret families who didn't realize the Internet would be the undoing of her web of lies, or this is the future of bad grandma gifting. It started with this dude, who wrote, "My 90-year old grandma mailed a homemade vest for me to "wear to parties". It's...amazing." He wasn't wrong.

Noah's Ark was kind of a party. Where everyone else on Earth died... WOO! (via)

Almost immediately, he was challenged in the comments.

Shots, as they say, had been fired. The photo evidence was undeniable.

There's not room on this ark for both of you...because you need to reproduce. (via)

But wait! There's more! This guy followed up with proof that he had actually worn the thing to a party, and also worried that they all had the same grandma.

These terrible holiday sweaters are staying strictly Old Testament, I see. (via)

Understandably, someone decided "you guys deserved a group photo."

We came here to do two things: to wear vests and thank our grandmas, and we're all out of thank you notes. (via)

As beautiful as this awful folk album cover was, the Internet realized it had neglected to include the women who had been gifted this abomination of crafting, including this red-haired recipient of the vest who must be about a foot taller than all these guys (unless the vest shrank a lot in the wash). To be fair, she got left out because she only posted the image to imgur, which is something people apparently do.

All in all, it's a pretty good-looking bunch. (via)

There was one other woman who received the vest, but she doesn't end up in the photo for the simple reason that she refused to put it on and instead forced her husband to wear it.

"So...I have to wear this...because the Internet demands it?" (via)

Internet sleuths eventually determined that there is a kit you can buy on eBay (now sold out) to make this vest. I still think it might just be one grandmother, however. The odds that multiple individuals were so out of touch with "the kids" that they independently decided to do this... no, it must be a woman who's been juggling a bunch of men and somehow birthing secret families for decades. It's really the only explanation.

Kinda hoped you'd be able to mix and match animals. Maybe next year.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Doo doo dooo doo doo....I'm a domestic assault perpetrator!

The Hamburgler is shaking his head today at how low-class the modern-day McCriminal has become. 21-year-old Marvin Tramaine Hill II (yes, the second) was arrested Tuesday in Des Moines, Iowa for simple domestic assault, after pelting his pregnant wife with a McChicken sandwich. It was, needless to say, a very unhappy meal.

Why did Martin Tramaine Hill II use a McChicken sandwich as a weapon against his pregnant spouse, you wonder? Well, as he told police, it was "because he doesn't like them." He was sleeping on the couch at 1 p.m., you see (like a good husband of a pregnant woman does on a Tuesday), when his wife woke him up to offer him the McChicken sandwich. He admitted to police that this injustice made him upset, and he started yelling at his wife and threw the sandwich at her. He then picked up the bun and threw it again for good measure.

How could you not like a sandwich that has its own Wikipedia page?

So far, this man is a bad husband and stupid, but here's where he enters a new level of McTrashiness: after his wife went to the bathroom to clean up the McMess from the thrown sandwich, he followed her in there with his cell phone camera filming. Police say they believe he then intentionally provoked her so she would slap the phone out of his hands (which she eventually did, according to cops who watched the video), so that she would later look bad on film.

He then proceeded to mash the bun into her nose, which is why police believe they found her face covered in mayonnaise and her nose bruised when they arrived. Martin remains at the Polk County Jail as of press time.

I wonder how he likes the food.

(by Johnny McNulty)

All I want for Christmas is me.(via Getty)

Mariah Carey was sent home by NBC executives last night after showing up 3 hours late to tape her segment for tonight's Rockefeller Center tree lighting ceremony. According to TMZ, Mariah kept the crew and her fans standing in the rain while she discussed the details of her divorce with her lawyer at a nearby hotel. She was still on the phone when she finally showed up, but by that time the show's producers had already decided to pull the plug.

Who would expect Mariah Carey to show up on time to anything? The conversation she was having with her lawyer was probably scheduled for last week.

The good news is that, as a result, she will now be performing her holiday hit "All I Want For Christmas Is You" live at tonight's ceremony. She's performed the song on the show a number of times in the past, but it's always been pre-taped, because Mariah with a hot mic on live TV is a combo that could make it a memorable special for all the wrong reasons.

So now the question becomes: which Mariah will show up to the live television special? The one who's still capable of belting out songs like a pro, or the boozy train wreck we're all hoping for?

Set your DVRs! And program it to record a few extra hours, because it's anyone's guess when she'll show up.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Let's just hope for the best and say he was drinking milk. (Via WXYZ)

A Michigan man stole an ambulance and drove it to a strip club because those who can, do.

Bryan Kryscio stole an unattended ambulance outside of McLaren Hospital in Pontiac, MI on Sunday. WXYZ reports that the attendants were in such a rush taking their patient into the hospital that they left the vehicle running with the keys in the ignition. 51-year-old Kryscio, like a beacon of unbridled id, remixed the ignition and drove that bad boy at a very safe pace over to a topless bar on Eminem's now infamous 8 Mile Road.

Dash cam footage from inside the ambulance shows Bryan's superpower is not just the uncanny ability to be at the right place at the right time, but he also possesses a cloaking device that renders his image fuzzy and grey.

Police were able to track the vehicle and found the man, which I guess is what can be expected when you're headed for a strip club called "The Booby Trap."

Perhaps next time he should have sped his whip over to "The Get Off Joint."

(by Myka Fox)

I'm so glad I found this, and that my notebook is a safe distance away from her.
(click to enlarge)

If you're like me, your handwriting is, you know, fine. Or, at least it was the last time you actually wrote something by hand. At some point in our lives, most of us have known someone whose nice handwriting made us jealous. Not this girl, though, because she would simply steal that handwriting and make it better (and possibly commit identity theft). This handwriting sample from redditor Oddacious, if you want to call this masterwork of shapeshifting a "sample," was submitted to the r/PenmanshipPorn forum on reddit a year ago, and it understandably became the top post of all time. Because r/PenmanshipPorn is not the social center of the Internet, however, people are only discovering this more widely today after someone reposted it to the far larger r/pics subreddit with the headline "This girl's handwriting is the coolest thing I've seen all week." I don't disagree, and I've watched a pug enter an ecstatic trance during a sink bath five times already since Monday.

Oddacious noted that her post had re-emerged, and posted this album of pictures from her notes from class as proof that her chameleon abilities are real.

In her original post, Oddacious also went further into the story she references in the picture at top about being summoned before the honor council when she was suspected of cheating. The most frightening part is the psych eval they gave her, but I am almost not surprised, since we used to give a lot of credence to 'Graphology,' the idea that handwriting can reveal psychological problems or even unmask serial killers.

Ah yes, doctors always think it's hilarious when you forge their signature.

Some people will never understand your power, Oddacious. Ignore them. Embrace the thrill of handwriting in the 21st Century...which mainly consists of getting Internet points for posting pictures of it online. But, enjoy it nonetheless! Also, please don't sign checks in my name.

(by Johnny McNulty)

That pond is stocked!

Call me an optimist, but I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be a good year. And I think it'll be exceptionally good for anyone who fancies sultry images of beautiful naked—or mostly-naked—women posing seductively with fresh-water fish, which is to say everyone.

Don't pretend like the picture above from the 2015 Carponizer Erotischer Karpfenkalender (which translates from German to English as "Carponizer Erotic Carp Calendar") doesn't result in a little pull on your rod. I recommend buying the entire calendar for obvious reasons, but here's just a few more images to get your party boat engines started:

So sexy! If only that naked lady wasn't ruining the shot.

The lady in the back must have been so jealous that she didn't get to hold a fish.

There's got to be a good 'deboning' joke to make here.

You can see lots more of the calendar—and more of the models—over here [NSFW].

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Even if you have no idea what this is about, you should already be sold from this image.

Chris Rock has been mostly dominating Internet headlines this week for his impressive interviews in New York magazine, Grantland, The Hollywood Reporter, and the New Yorker. His opinions have generated so much ink that it's almost possible to have missed the fact that he's out promoting his new movie, Top Five, which looks like it will connect with audiences in much the same way his comments on fame, race, and success and progress in America have connected with readers. Anyone who has been a fan of Rock's knows that on the big screen, things either hit really well or, uh, don't quite as much. This one, about a fading comedy superstar trying to stay funny and relevant while staying sober, looks like it will hit.

Oh, right. It's a red-band trailer, so, you know... use headphones if you're at work.

For the record, I would totally pay to see Hammy the Bear.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Your dad's eyes are a little red themselves, Benji.

Get ready to sort yourself into young and old, everyone. 21-year-old rapper/singer and Twitter person Benji got a photo from his dad today, who informed him he was sitting next to "some rapper whose (sic) super high" on a plane. Fortunately, this was no case of cringe-worthy mistaken identity. The dad was indeed sitting next to rapper Wiz Khalifa, who was almost certainly high (he claimed to spend $10,000 a month on cannabis before a medical dispensary started sponsoring him and selling a line of weed called Khalifa Kush). This was, however, the most perfect dad/pop culture interaction to take place on the Internet this year. This is crystalized dadness.

so my dad tells me he's sitting next to some rapper whose super high on his plane to Miami and then sends me this pic.twitter.com/3JW5pGFPVu
— Benji (@thebenjimusic) December 3, 2014

Sorry if you hadn't heard of Wiz Khalifa. I apologize if this article made you realize you've become a dad without even fathering children. The Pittsburgh-based rapper was named Billboard's Top New Artist of 2012, so you really have no excuse at this point. Nonetheless, here is his best-known song, Black and Yellow, so you can continue to pretend to know what's up.

(by Johnny McNulty)

I'd love to see the shots that didn't make the cut.
(via Reddit)

Sure, this mugshot of Willie Tatum III looks pretty insane. But before you criticize, you should keep in mind it was taken after a four-hour standoff with a Columbus, Ohio SWAT team. I can't say how I'd look after an ordeal like that, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be smiling in my picture.

The official version of Tatum's arrest is that cops were responding to a breaking and entering call, and found themselves dealing with an uncooperative suspect for several hours longer then they'd hoped. Following the standoff, Tatum was arrested and charged with aggravated menacing and domestic violence. WBNS News posted his mugshot to their Facebook page along with the police department's version of his arrest, which didn't sit well with Tatum.

He responded to the Facebook post with his own explanation of what happened:

Awkward is putting it mildly, Kelsea.(via Facebook)

The answer to Tatum's question about how someone could break into their mom's house with a key will hopefully be answered in court. Who knows, maybe he'll be able to beat the charges.

But the one thing he'll never be able to live down is the picture that makes him a first-ballot shoe-in for the Mugshot Hall of Fame.

(by Jonathan Corbett)