Congratulations on the anniversary of your long-term engagement.

July 24, 2013, 12:50 pm

≫ Next: May you live so long that no one wants to see you naked.

≪ Previous: Seeing Anthony Weiner's dangling genitals reminded me that we haven't hung out in a while.

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May you live so long that no one wants to see you naked.

July 24, 2013, 12:58 pm

≫ Next: I'd have definitely mailed you a paper birthday card if I was going out to get something I needed.

≪ Previous: Congratulations on the anniversary of your long-term engagement.

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I'd have definitely mailed you a paper birthday card if I was going out to get something I needed.

July 25, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 25, 2013

≪ Previous: May you live so long that no one wants to see you naked.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 25, 2013

July 25, 2013, 7:10 am

≫ Next: Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be slightly worse than being married.

≪ Previous: I'd have definitely mailed you a paper birthday card if I was going out to get something I needed.

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Who are we not recognizing on British currency now? To what doomed island is Obama sending Caroline Kennedy? Why does George H.W. Bush look like Dr. Evil? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.

Click here >>

Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be slightly worse than being married.

July 25, 2013, 8:28 am

≫ Next: Just want you to know that I'd never emotionally cheat on you.

≪ Previous: 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 25, 2013

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Just want you to know that I'd never emotionally cheat on you.

July 25, 2013, 9:30 am

≫ Next: I promise you'll never catch me sexting someone because it's too hard to type on my smartphone.

≪ Previous: Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be slightly worse than being married.

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I promise you'll never catch me sexting someone because it's too hard to type on my smartphone.

July 25, 2013, 10:23 am

≫ Next: I'd never cheat on you as long as I have porn.

≪ Previous: Just want you to know that I'd never emotionally cheat on you.

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I'd never cheat on you as long as I have porn.

July 25, 2013, 10:52 am

≫ Next: I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis to strangers.

≪ Previous: I promise you'll never catch me sexting someone because it's too hard to type on my smartphone.

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I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis to strangers.

July 25, 2013, 11:21 am

≫ Next: Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

≪ Previous: I'd never cheat on you as long as I have porn.

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Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

July 25, 2013, 12:17 pm

≫ Next: The closest I'll ever get to being famous is giving my baby a ridiculous name.

≪ Previous: I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis to strangers.

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The closest I'll ever get to being famous is giving my baby a ridiculous name.

July 25, 2013, 1:29 pm

≫ Next: Thanks for being part of an unspoken pact to accept our gradual weight gain gracefully.

≪ Previous: Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

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Thanks for being part of an unspoken pact to accept our gradual weight gain gracefully.

July 25, 2013, 2:12 pm

≫ Next: I'd cheat on me too.

≪ Previous: The closest I'll ever get to being famous is giving my baby a ridiculous name.

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I'd cheat on me too.

July 25, 2013, 2:45 pm

≫ Next: I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday.

≪ Previous: Thanks for being part of an unspoken pact to accept our gradual weight gain gracefully.

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I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday.

July 25, 2013, 5:01 pm

≫ Next: You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

≪ Previous: I'd cheat on me too.

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You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

July 26, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: Censored: Been thinking about you all day.

≪ Previous: I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to enjoy my Summer Friday.

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Censored: Been thinking about you all day.

July 26, 2013, 7:07 am

≫ Next: Censored: Would love to hang out this weekend.

≪ Previous: You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

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Censored: Would love to hang out this weekend.

July 26, 2013, 8:04 am

≫ Next: Here's to having as much fun this weekend as Carlos Danger in a free wifi hotspot.

≪ Previous: Censored: Been thinking about you all day.

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Here's to having as much fun this weekend as Carlos Danger in a free wifi hotspot.

July 26, 2013, 8:17 am

≫ Next: A guy received a wrong number text from someone looking to buy drugs. His response was beyond perfect.

≪ Previous: Censored: Would love to hang out this weekend.

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A guy received a wrong number text from someone looking to buy drugs. His response was beyond perfect.

July 26, 2013, 9:10 am

≫ Next: Sorry you have all the sexual compulsions of a sleazy politician without any of the career success.

≪ Previous: Here's to having as much fun this weekend as Carlos Danger in a free wifi hotspot.

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If I had a dimebag for every time HGTV messed up a drug deal... I wouldn't need drug deals.

In an earlier era, you knew that one day you might be called upon to be heroic by stopping a crime or going to war. In 2013, however, our moments of glory come in the form of people texting us mistakenly. There are so many ways to be a paragon of textual bravery: simply telling the innocent that they have a wrong number, fulfilling the erotic desires of people who think you're someone they know intimately, punishing people who think its ok to just send you dick pics by sending them to their mom, and finally, by messing with people looking for drugs.

How will you be a hero when the time comes?

(h/t to Dino V at Buzzfeed, author of winneratbusiness.com)

Sorry you have all the sexual compulsions of a sleazy politician without any of the career success.

July 26, 2013, 10:24 am

≫ Next: May you travel as far and often this summer as Anthony Weiner's crotch shots.

≪ Previous: A guy received a wrong number text from someone looking to buy drugs. His response was beyond perfect.

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