Ugh! None of these are $15-gift-card-shaped.

Shopping for Scott is gonna be a piece of cake this year:

Only question is: where should you buy your $15 gift card? Is Walmart too low rent? Maybe Target is a better option. I don't know, though, maybe it should be a little more personal. Like, what does Scott like? Is he into sports? Maybe you should get him a $15 gift card from the Sports Authority. But what if he doesn't like sports? Maybe you should just play it safe and get him a $15 gift card from some place that sells DVDs. But can you even buy a decent movie with $15? What if he doesn't like movies? Well, he's got to like food, right? Guy's gotta eat! So, just get him a $15 gift card to a restaurant. But what restaurant?

Ugh, this is hard! I hate Christmas shopping!

5. Gwyneth Paltrow, because she couldn't get a job at Yahoo.

(Getty)

Stay in school kids, or you might end up as big of a disappointment as Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltrow, Academy Award-winning actress and founder of popular lifestyle website GOOP, couldn't get a job as a contributing editor for Yahoo Food. The reason: Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer won't hire writers who don't have college degrees. Paltrow dropped out of UC Santa Barbara, and just like a bunch of people probably told her at the time, there are jobs she'll never be able to get as a result. Probably time to move back in with your mom, sweetie.

4. Lance Bass, because Justin Timberlake skipped his wedding.

(Getty)

If you're like me, you routinely imagine Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake falling asleep gabbing on the phone every night. (Wasn't even an NSYNC fan, just something I like to picture.) Apparently, that is not the case. Just because they were in a boy band together, doesn't mean they're still besties with testes. Justin Timberlake didn't even show up to Lance Bass's wedding to Michael Turchin. IS JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE HOMOPHOBIC? He was the only former band member who didn't show up, so we have no choice but to draw wild, unfair conclusions until we see a photo of him and Lance hugging. Or talking on the phone. Preferably in printed jammies. Thanks.

3. A woman who found a scorpion in the dress she was trying on at JC Penney.

Wow, what a deal! Customer Sandra Hernandez found a scorpion inside the dress she was trying on at a Hayward, California JC Penney. Ordinarily, you would never find a scorpion inside a JC Penney dress. That's the sort of high-end vermin one would expect to see falling out of women's clothing at Macy's or Barneys. Maybe they were doing a special for the holidays. Otherwise, you'd be lucky to find a pile of fire ants in your JC Penney dressing room. This scorpion escaped the dressing room through a crack in the wall, which means it's still there! Everyone, hurry over to JC Penney of Hayward!

2. Jackie Chan's son, who faces up to three years in a Chinese prison for a little pot.

Jaycee Chan, son of action film star Jackie Chan and a singer and actor in his own right, was indicted in China on charges of sheltering others to use drugs. And by "drugs," it's worth clarifying we mean "pot." If convicted, he may have to serve three years in prison, just for a little pot. Back in the summer, authorities busted Chan and a friend for having marijuana in their systems and being in possession of 100 grams, which is a lot, but still. The government was cracking down on celebrities in an attempt to fight drug use in the country, which makes sense if you're talking about cocaine or something, but pot? Come on.

1. Anyone who is still stuck at their desk today.

Approximately 48 hours to go until we can actually claim to be on vacation for the holidays. Until then, it's work ten minutes, get distracted looking at things on Amazon for 45, read Facebook posts of people who are already home for half an hour, take a two hour lunch, return to your desk for a brisk 15 minute work session, then get back to the conference room for a donut break, twiddle thumbs, leave at 4:45. Considering you get paid just as much for pretending to work today as you do for every other day, maybe it's not such a bad deal. We're almost there, guys! We can fake this.

Pretty much sums it up.

Introducing your sig-o to your family is always nerve-wracking. Everyone's trying to be on their best behavior, but there's always the danger that someone is going to slip and say what they're actually thinking.

And just what are they thinking? The subtitles on this all-too-accurate reenactment of a family meeting their daughter's new boyfriend at Christmas reveal just that.

If you're going home with your girlfriend for the first time this week, the good news is you really just have to be better than the last guy. And that guy sucked.

The last thing a drone sees.

Not everyone who flies a drone is an idiot. It just seems that way because most of the drone videos that go viral involve them being knocked out of the sky by something. At least the good ones. If the drone you're piloting winds up in a video titled "Drone vs. [anything] you're probably not helping the cause. Like the guy whose drone stars in this YouTube clip called Drone vs Kangaroo. No one clicking on the video wants or expects to see a kangaroo hurt by a drone. They expect to see a kangaroo kick the crap out of a drone. I'm happy to report that those people will not be disappointed.

The video is satisfying, but what I'd really like to see is a clip of the owner going to retrieve his drone and getting pummeled by a herd of kangaroos.

'Till Net do us part.

This Christmas, as your family gathers around the tree to open presents and your parents nag at you asking you why you haven't married yet, make sure to tell them its because you've been looking at porn. Lots and lots of porn. Then, shake one of your unwrapped gifts and say, "I sure hope this is some porn." Just kidding mom and dad, nobody pays for that anymore.

Because if you aren't honest at the holidays, when can you be?

The Washington Post reports that a scientific study of correlations between Internet usage and marriage found that, with factors of age, race, religiosity and income considered, far and away the most significant correlation between Internet usage and marriage was the use of porn. More specifically, that the more likely you are to look at porn, the less likely you are to get married.

The study makes sure to say that people aren't just looking at porn because they are not married, or that married people simply watch less porn because they are married, but specifically: watching porn is keeping people from bothering to get hitched.

It makes perfect sense. A major factor in the impulse to marry is sexual gratification, and people simply don't need that outlet anymore. The study clearly says, "proliferation of the Internet has made pornography an increasingly low-cost substitute [for marriage]."

So, as your family sends your nieces and nephews out of the room to look for Santa Claus, you can explain that you are too broke to get married and don't need to because free porn abounds, or you could go the easy route and say you just got engaged to a very nice girl named Alexis Texas.

Everyone is welcome now.

Many people who attend Mass this Christmas season may be in for a shock. The Pope made headlines this year by making progressive statements about divorce and claiming many of our pets will go to heaven (except, of course, my aunt's Cockatoo that bit my hand when I was 6 years old). The Pope also made a few big changes to the Catholic Mass itself to make it more accessible for today's rapidly-changing world. Here are a few of the changes you can expect:

• The Eucharist is now gluten-free (and the priest is required to recite the fine print about where the body of Christ came from in case anyone with allergies needs to skip it)
• The incense has been replaced with "Almond Cookie" scented Yankee Candles.

• In response to the priest saying "The Lord be with you," instead of saying, "And also with you," the correct response is any of the following: "SHO NUFF!" "BADABING!" "Hey, FUGGABOUDIT!"
• Instead of someone walking in with a big red book over his head, it's now a Taylor Swift limited edition vinyl.
• You know about Mortal Sins and Venial Sins, but now there are Techno Sins. Right in between Mortal and Venial but usually related to technology. We can't be judged the same for what sins we commit via text, right? Seems fair.
• Anyone who eats the body of Christ but doesn't drink the blood is technically Protestant now. Anyone who skips the whole thing altogether is officially Buddhist.

• New Saints in stained glass windows including John Paul II, Bono, and a few LEGO versions of superheroes (just to get the kids more involved).
• The Tabernacle also has a USB port for charging devices.
• Instead of the Our Father, people are allowed to just mutter anything with the same syllable count.

• When the priest says "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed" the correct response is now the informal "Thanks a bunch, Jesus!"
• Instead of sharing the peace with fellow congregants by shaking hands and hugging you're expected to hand out business cards with your Twitter handle on them.

God gave rock and roll to you, but Folger's gave you this.

Paul Stanley is known as one of the best frontmen in history for his work with KISS, but did you know he was also fronting for the freeze-dried caffeine crystals better known to the American marketplace as Folger's coffee?

This unaired commercial from fourteen years ago was uploaded to YouTube by imakissfan2, who theorized that "ultra conservative parent company, Proctor and Gamble shelved [it] out of concern regarding being associated with KISS."

If that was the case, why did they spend so much money to cover a camera lens with vaseline and pay circus acts to swing on a flying trapeze?

Rolling Stone wrote about the clip as well, however the version they saw on YouTube (since removed) apparently had this written in its description, "This commercial never aired because focus groups asked 'who is the old, creepy guy?' and the agency pulled it,"

We may never know, but here it is an un-starred Paul Stanley, schilling for freeze dried hotel coffee amidst a flowing orange set.

In an interview with KISSanity, Stanley talked about shooting the commercial, saying, "Life is strange! I got a call asking if I was interested in singing a Folger's commercial. And like many other things, I thought 'Why not?' I wasn't at all concerned with who thinks it is okay or not okay, cool, not cool, rock 'n roll or not. I had a blast doing it and like I said, isn't that what this is all about?"

Yes, the best part of waking up is a bunch of money in your bank account.

Lower education.

Some things never get old. Like students playing pranks on teachers and immaturity. When you combine them both, you get magic. Especially if the teacher involved is a laid back as the Dutch instructor in this video. When he went to erase a cat that a student had drawn on his whiteboard, he discovered that he was the victim of a crude, slightly NSFW, juvenile prank. High fives all around.

What's sad is that if the same joke had been played in an American classroom, the teacher would've flipped out. Not because he wouldn't have found it funny, but because he'd be afraid of the consequences of not sufficiently flipping out. The student responsible would've been expelled after a month-long investigation, counseling would be made available for students who weren't part of the lawsuit against the school, and the whiteboard would be replaced at a cost of $7500.

Employee of the Month.

Getting accidentally high on the job is just one of the perks the BBC offers its correspondents who report on the drug situation in Afghanistan.

Here is a video of Quentin Sommerville, trying hard not to be stoned at work, but inhaling that giant pile of heroin behind him is making things really hilarious.

Awww, he's trying to so hard to do his job while stoned. I've totally been there right now.

"Burning behind me is eight and a half tons of heroin, opium, hashish, and other narcotics," Sommerville boldly starts, but then suddenly dissolves into giggles.

If he could have finished his sentence, he would have said, "...and it is making me super high right now."

Hold it together man, you can do it.

He tries a couple more times, but never gets as far as his first attempt, and by the end the cameramen are giggling with him and he can barely get the first "B" out before losing it.

It looks like he is having a grand ole time, but personally, there isn't a place I'd like to get stoned less than Afghanistan. This guy is hard.

The Metro wrote that Sommerville put the outtakes up himself on Twitter as a Christmas gift to his followers, saying "Dear tweeps, it's been a year of bullets & bloodshed.You've earned a xmas laugh, at my expense," but has since taken that tweet down.

Fortunately, Sky Net is real and once something gets on the Internet, it never goes away.

It doesn't turn out to be a great report on the drugs, but it is definitely a great review of them.

Earlier today on Twitter, Sommerville reminded everyone that his experience is "nothing new in this business" and then linked out to a clip from Comedy Series Drop the Dead Donkey, that prophesies Sommerville's high.

Nothing new in this business. Drop the dead donkey - pot report. https://t.co/nEF8tupCT6 HT: @MuffyPotterpic.twitter.com/oNslEY3xhl

— Quentin Sommerville (@sommervillebbc) December 23, 2014

Here's that video, light one up and watch just how closely life imitates art imitates life imitates art imitates life...

"But if you can't get around to the letter, just the billions of dollars will do." (via redditor kindofageek)

Writing letters to Santa is an important rite of passage, as is discovering Santa's not real, lashing out at your parents, and never being able to trust anyone ever again. While the content of the letters kids write is different, there are a few common features that pop up again and again: questions about how Santa does his job, lists of unrealistic expectations for gifts, and questions about poop. There are a lot of questions about poop in these letters for some reason. Hey, poop is weird. Kids have to ask someone.

Meanwhile, her dad wished for a Holiday Barbie. Go figure. (via redditor KATHERIAC)



Yep. So what do you want for Christmas, kid? (via redditor tmbcake13)



There are no second chances with Santa. (via redditor 4VaginasInMyMouth)



Cheaper than what most kids want! (via redditor thatsmybaby)



That postscript is totally pandering. (via redditor rubber_necker)



Like a cuddly stuffed animal or to eat? Nevermind, weird either way. (via imgur)

And also, treat yourself right next Easter.(Via)

Ugh, unoperational things are the worst. (via imgur)



"I have no problem asking you for gifts just because you're fake." (via imgur)



Santa rewards little boys who pick up dog poop. It's in the Bible. (via redditor friggle2k5)



She means "greedy." (via redditor Kasandraxxx63)



Sometimes tough love is the only way. (via redditor SliggitySly)



Santa has the money, but he doesn't like. (via redditor kimbrella)

He forgot to add "Dumbass" at the end.(Via)

Santa's poop is red and green and magically illuminated. (via redditor Trezi)

This may be by a grown-up comedian, but kids should try this if they're worried about accuracy. (via @bigzackpoitras)

1. North Korea Has Its Internet Restored, Prompting Many Citizens To Wonder, "We Have Internet?"

After a terrible nine hours without access to the many webpages glorifying Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and his many god-like ancestors, North Korea's Internet connection was finally restored yesterday. It is currently unknown if the outage was caused by a massive DDOS, a router error or somebody picking up the phone in the other room.

North Korea lost internet access yesterday. It resumed when they got their hands on another 50 Free Hours CD from AOL.

— Hayden Black (@haydenblack) December 23, 2014

2. Apple CEO Is 'Deeply Offended' By Journalists Exposing Its Factories' Poor Working Conditions

Apple CEO Tim Cook announced—through a statement with the company's senior vice president of operations Jeff Williams—that he is "deeply offended" by allegations made by British journalists that Apple's factory workers in China are subjected to the kinds of deplorable conditions that British journalists have shown Apple's factory workers in China to be subjected to.

Dinosaur embryos found in China... working in an Apple factory.

— Guy Nicolucci (@Nicolucci1899) April 11, 2013

3. Science Explains Why Airplanes Are Giant Compressed Tubes Of Flatulent Air

After watching a water bootle inflate and then deflate due to the fluctuating air pressure conditions during an airplane flight, a Danish physician discovered why airline passengers need to fart so often. Essentially, your digestive tract works much like his water bottle, and while high in the air, your bodily gases need to escape. So, it exits your bodies through your butt and into the recirculated air of the cabin. Just like it does for everybody else on your flight. Have a safe trip.

This airplane smells like a huge fart and mounds of defeat. #blessed

— Ashley Byrd (@byrdfacekilla) December 22, 2014

4. Amy Adams Kicked Off Hard-Hitting Morning News Show For Not Wanting To Discuss Sony Hack That She Was Not Involved With

Amy Adams' scheduled appearance on NBC's very serious news show Today to promote her new film was cancelled after she reportedly stated that she was not comfortable answering questions about the recent Sony hack that she did not participate in and was just barely affected by. "As a news program, the Today show doesn't allow guests to put restrictions on interviews. In this case, after hours of discussion we felt uncomfortable with the demands being made, and we determined the best course of action for all parties involved was to cancel the interview," a spokesperson for the show explained to the Hollywood Reporter, presumably while struggling to stifle an embarrassed laugh.

I haven't been to the movies in a while. Is Amy Adams still in all of them?

— Ritch Duncan (@ritchied) September 30, 2014

5. Right Now Is The Least Awful The World Has Ever Been, Which Is Remarkably Depressing

Despite the mountain of human rights violations, war atrocities and Dwight Johnson movies that slam us in the face every time we glance briefly at the news, the world is actually experiencing a level of serenity and non-violence never before experienced in human history, according to Harvard Psychology professor Steven Pinker and Human Security Report Project Director Andrew Mack. A "greater majority of humanity lives in peace and dies of old age" while "our impression of the world comes from a misleading formula of journalistic narration," they posit in an article for Slate. So, are they saying things could actually be worse?

"The world is terrible" is pretty much the meta-narrative.

— Praise Santa 666 (@theleanover) December 21, 2014

Wake up and smell the passé.

"Break the Internet!" - Attention, celebrities and brands: you cannot "break the Internet." The biggest selfie of the year was Ellen's celeb-packed Oscars selfie, and that turned out to be an ad for Samsung phones. It didn't even give Twitter a hiccup. The bandwith wars between Netflix and Time Warner/Comcast came a lot closer to anything you'd actually call "breaking" the Internet, and their version of breaking it is a lot less fun. Oh, and HBO GO. That thing breaks anytime there's something worth watching.

Basic - We're giving boring people a label now? C'mon. I know it's supposed to be an insult, but you know what boring people are like; they'll appropriate this and make it their own. The price of a conflict-free life of genericness was supposed to be having no identity. It's almost as bad as...

Normcore - UGH, GOD, UGH! SO GROSS! DON'T TOUCH ME! This word makes me feel so disgusting. We're going to act like living out of the L.L. Bean catalog is a specific life choice now? The only way you get to be really basic is by making almost no interesting choices at all. Now there's a hardcore version? I'll not allow it.

"Are butts in?" - Yes. Butts are in. They've never been out. They're butts. Nicki Minaj's butt, Kim K's butt, Iggy's butt, Meghan Trainor's butt, my butt, Hugh Jackman's butt (I dunno if it did anything big this year, but you know it's out there working every day), and most importantly, your butt. Butts are great, but they are not new.

"Bucket Challenge" - The Ice Bucket Challenge to raise money for ALS was inspirational, massively viral, successful, and it kept going for so long that we almost became sick of the idea of charity itself. It was a great idea, and now no one else can do it. We're retiring the "look at me do something briefly uncomfortable instead of donating money" meme unless the next worthy cause can come up with something original.

"Stewart/Colbert/Oliver/etc brutally pummeled, murdered, and eviscerated this politically opposing person/trend/thing" - This very concept was itself gored and disemboweled by John Oliver and even that was enthusiastically carried by everyone, myself included. I still want to see clips from all of these shows (well, there won't be any more Colbert after last week's awesome finale) on workday mornings, but maybe in 2015 we can find a less hyperbolic way of saying "this political comedian touched on a subject in a way that many found compelling and humorous," while still getting clicks. I realize that may be a tough goal for all of us.

Disruption - This is a Silicon Valley term which once meant "replacing an old technology with a new one" and now means "replacing one an entire job market (like, say, taxi drivers) with a new one full of freelancers with no benefits, no security, and less pay."

Ebola - Always nice not to hear Ebola.

"Prank/Social Experiment" - After YouTube star Laci Green exposed serious allegations from female fans and fellow vloggers against popular "prank" video maker Sam Pepper, it led to two positive outcomes: increased reporting from women about other YouTube stars who had taken advantage of their fans, and a condemnation of videos centered around harassing women on the street (or going to poor neighborhoods to pick fights). I mean, I guess taping a crime and seeing how many people will "like" it on YouTube is an experiment, but it's not a very good one.

Rectal feeding/Rectal Rehydration/Dick Cheney - I can't decide which of those phrases is the most repugnant.

"Bush is running for President" - Ah, c'mon, really? Again, like for the 3rd time in 30 years? What's even crazier is that this will be true again in 2024 with George P. Bush. Hillary has not yet declared, so "Clinton is running for President" is not eligible as a 2014 phrase.

GamerGate/"Ethics in journalism" - I really can't top the erudite opinion penned by the folks over at Cracked.com when their readers forced them to address the issue of... well, that part was always confusing: "Gentlemen, do you realize that even if what they're saying is true, then this is still the most pointless fucking bullshit anyone has ever forced us to read?"

"Russian tank columns enter..." - Is just a phrase you don't want to read in the news, period.

"Thug" - Believe it or not, 2014's uptick in the age-old codeword of thug didn't start with Michael Brown, it started with Richard Sherman and his awesome post-game interview way back in January. Sherman, who has a high-paying job and graduated from Stanford University, remained positive and came out looking like a really cool guy in the end. People who enjoy throwing the world thug around also had a great year, but for bad reasons.

"Restore your faith in humanity" - First of all, stop restoring people's faith in humanity. They're just going to be sad the next day. Second, this piece of clickbait is being retired due to overuse. Let's just go with "will slightly improve your opinion of humanity for 12-24 hours" from now on.

Selfie stick - Technically an object, not a phrase, but still needs to die.

"Nude photo leak!" - Maybe we needed the iCloud hack as a country for it to finally sink in—photos people took for themselves or their romantic partners are not our property, and when criminals make them available to us, we become creeps if we look at it. Let this be remembered as the year America finally grew up enough to feel icky about this. Maybe.

"Hack reveals exciting..." - Again, maybe this Sony hack will be good for us in the long run. We were so entranced by the super-embarrassing (and often hilarious) emails from obnoxious Sony executives and movie stars that it took until this week's cancellation of The Interview to realize something serious had actually happened. I'm not saying that nothing that hackers steal meets the public-interest threshold of reporting, but maybe next time if we focus on the "a major company has (probably) been attacked by a foreign government" element as opposed to the "lol rich douchebags being embarrassed" side, theaters would have found the backbone not to pull The Interview.

-Ghazi - As a suffix, it is ugly. Worse, the Benghazi report found nothing to speak of, so even more than in 2013 (and 2012), attaching the suffix -Ghazi just makes it sound like you know there's nothing to be outraged about, yet you want to be outraged anyway. It's worth noting that the two biggest uses of it this year was as an alternate name for GamerGate, and also for BendGate, the "controversy" that the iPhone 6+ will bend if you bend it. So, yeah.

And the winner for the word or phrase of 2014 which most demands instant death is...

Berta Lovejoy - If you don't know to whom I am referring, congratulations. On the downside, you clearly haven't been to YouTube in a year. On the plus side, you've avoided the "le reddit armie" trolls who have turned every popular YouTube video comments section into their personal playgrounds. It's like an interactive Rickroll where you keep forgetting what you're going to see if you scroll down just a bit. It is a little impressive, you must admit, that someone found a way to actually make YouTube comments worse. They're organized, they're fast, and sometimes they're even a little funny. Mostly, they're repetitive, they come from a trolly place, and above all, they're played out.

They are, I'm certain, absolutely hilarious to themselves. They almost exclusively write in the voices of super-extreme parodies of various reddit personalities (the fedora-tipping, m'lady-giving beta-male creep; the unbearable super-atheist, super-liberal blowhard; stoners; or just people who only talk about how cool reddit is) but the most recognizable and successful of the troll accounts is Berta Lovejoy, "Feminist, Promoter of Equality, Love and Peace." The word should really be "Fedora" or "Reddit Armie," I guess, but I feel that Berta embodies the, uh, movement(?) as a whole.

Berta's hyper-militant, often ignorant feminism usually gets the most reaction of all the accounts, perhaps because her satire is perfectly poised to fool a certain amount of anti-feminists while righteously angering their opponents. No matter how much you dislike Berta, though, there's no denying her accuracy in hitting that troll sweet spot. Armie, you've had your 2014. Please let me return to watching videos and reading comments of merely ordinary ignorance and bile. It's important to hear what the uninformed mutterings of the people sound like, and you're drowning them out.

Or, like everyone else in the comments keeps pointing out, I could just add the Hide Fedora extension to my browser.

Runners-up: other phrases that only meant bad things in 2014:

Grand jury/Supreme Court decides- If you were a cop or a "religious corporation," chances are you enjoyed whatever it was that grand juries and the grandest jury of them all, the Supreme Court, decided this year. If not, better luck in '15.

Cosby - Pudding tastes sad now.

Donald Sterling - Giving a bad name to billionaires who have public mistresses everywhere.

As seen on the TV police assume you stole.

Is dealing with institutionalized racism as an African American getting you down?

Well, cheer up! Now there's a hands-free device that will make it much easier to deal with harassment from the authorities: the Hands Free Hands Up.

Wearing this extra set of arms—always up in the air—makes it possible to play sports, decorate a Christmas tree, or even walk around your own neighborhood and also be African-American—without fear of getting shot by police.

The sketch was written by Lauren Adams, Nore Davis & Brendan Fitzgibbons and directed by David Bluvband. If only ending police harassment was really only $29.99—they'd have a pretty decent business model on their hands (which I assume are currently up).

Penis de Milo.(via)

Soccer superstar Cristiano Rinaldo was on hand this weekend in his hometown of Funchal on the island of Madeira, Portugal for the unveiling of a statue that looks like a tribute to his penis. The 10-foot bronze sculpture stands outside of the "CR7 Museum" that was built in his honor, but would look right at home in front of the offices of Vivid Entertainment.

In a sport filled with rich, egotistical pretty boys, Ronaldo might be the richest, prettiest of them all. And with this new statue, appears to be making a run at Kanye West for the title of World's Biggest Ego. Or, at least world's biggest bronze penis.

But he's also a hometown hero who has never forgotten where he came from, and is adored by the locals who came out by thousands to see their hero stand in front of the massive bulge in the statue's shorts.

Your move, Beckham.(via)

The museum will bring thousands of tourists to the tiny island town, but the big draw will be the big dick on the bronze likeness of their already bronze hero.

Here we see felinus domesticus, patiently waiting for its chance to be an a**hole.

The worst part about owning an asshole cat is when you try to tell people and no one believes you.

Redditor duxa posted this video of his cat today with the title "I finally have proof of how much of an asshole my cat is."

Finally.

This cat has been getting away with being a secret asshole for far too long and it was more than Duxa could take. But here it is, proof positive, that this innocent-seeming house pet is the kind of cat who would viciously swat the nose of his sleeping Maine Coon colleague.

But why would he do it? Duxa posts in the description, "Sometimes, for no reason, cats are just assholes."

One concerned redditor asked if the Maine Coon wasn't sneezing like that because he was sick, but duxa confirmed, "Nar, we get him checked regularly, he's fine."

Then he reiterates, "cats are just assholes sometimes."

The cuddliest gaming console of all.

People throw around the phrase "tis better to give than to receive" a lot, and most of the time it's bullshit—unless you're receiving some pretty crappy presents. But this is one of those rare cases when twas actually better to give.

Karem Piedra-Jimenez's boyfriend had been saving up for a long time to buy a PS4, but had to use the money on "other things." Karem decided to surprise him with a PS4 for Christmas this year, and she filmed his reaction.

Even though her boyfriend asks, "Why did you do that??" he is clearly thrilled with his new toy.

Let's hope this isn't a "The Gift of the Magi" situation where he sold all his PS4 games to buy her expensive hair accessories, and she sold her hair to buy him a PS4. Why does that always happen??

Norway is beautiful this time of year.

Here is a Merry Christmas tale of a Norwegian with some magic acorns (that's my best guess but if you know what he is holding please enlighten me) that turn his diving lake into a skating rink? The magical tale which unfolds with strange turns in the vein of "Too Many Cooks," but with less high concept spookiness and more vodka.

Tor, or YouTube's apetor, posted this with no explanation, other than the title "Merry Christmas 2014."

It is destined to be a classic!

Merry What-the-f*ck-did-I-just-watch-idays!

Next she's going to find a rat and sweep its leg.

This girl has figured out the only way to shoo a pigeon without shooing them: the Crane formation from The Karate Kid. Not only is the Crane Ralph Macchio's ultimate move to deflect the Cobra Kai, it is also highly effective on flying rats.

Although, I don't remember Daniel-son dying from laughter after using it successfully.