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How to make a delicious three-course meal out of disgusting leftovers from your office's meetings.

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Ingredients:

  • Soggy, over­-dressed greens
  • Stale sandwich bread with a bit of pesto discarded by someone watching their carbs
  • Three-bean salad

Directions:

Mash up the three-bean salad until it becomes a paste­like substance. Spread it on the stale pesto-touched bread. Top with soggy, over­-dressed greens and serve open-faced. Bruschetta, anyone?


Ingredients:

  • Half a roast beef sandwich
  • Pasta salad
  • Loose potato chips

Directions:

Remove the crust from the sandwich. Set aside. Carefully remove the roast beef from the sandwich. Separate the layers of meat and lay them out flat on your workspace. Arrange some pasta salad lengthwise across the meat. Crush up some potato chips and sprinkle on top. Starting from one edge, roll everything up into a tube shape. Secure with a bread crust tie. Deconstructed Roast Beef Rolls for one, please!


Ingredients:

  • Some of a chocolate chip cookie
  • What looks like a one-­bite cheesecake
  • Mushy raspberries
  • Miscellaneous crumbs

Directions:

With the precision of a surgeon, carefully remove the cheesecake from its crust. Spread on top of cookie. Cover with a layer of mushy raspberries. Sprinkle crumbs on top. Looking tart, girlfriend!


#1 fan.

These adorable kids acting out Oscar-nominated movies are a cynical ploy to make you go "aw."

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They really know how to pull the cute strings.

Some of these fall flat for me, like writing an Oprah appearance into Selma or suggesting Stephen Hawking's real accomplishment was fathering children from a wheelchair, but Boyhood was right on point. Facial hair to make people appear older IS a cliche. Plus, one more jab at that fake baby in American Sniper. It can take it, it's plastic.

Give these kids one Oscar each, please.

Missed connection.

The Daily Show examines how stupid people on the left and the right united to fight vaccines.

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Unfortunately, no vaccine will make you immune to getting angry at the dumbs.

We all knew America would get around to bipartisanship again eventually...we just never imagined it would be to bring about the deadliest Horseman of the Apocalypse, Pestilence. That's right, an unholy alliance has been forged between wealthy liberals who mistake the groupthink of their other insulated, holistic psuedoscience-loving idiot friends for peer-reviewed research and conservative politicians who pander to folks who think anything the government does is a plot to kill them and give their money to poor people. Jon Stewart examined this anti-science partnership on the Daily Show, and I hope the stress of thinking about these people doesn't leave him vulnerable to the measles.

If that doesn't make you sad, how about this political cartoon from 70 years ago?


LOLOLOLOLOL SMALLPOX IS JUST A HOAX! (via reddit)

How about this work of political philosophy from 300 years ago?


Maybe you read him in college, a place that requires vaccines.

Y'know, I bring this up every time the vaccine topic arises, but in 1733 a guy named Voltaire wrote a book called Letters on the English. It's pretty important, and it's a big part of why in 2014 you can still name-drop Voltaire to sound like a smarty-pants. Well, in it, there's a discussion about the earliest form of vaccination, inoculation.

Inoculating someone against smallpox involved cutting people a little bit and then dripping the pus of someone who had just successfully fought off cowpox (a less-deadly relative of smallpox), and then you would intentionally give them a weak case of cowpox so that they would gain antibodies to fight off smallpox.

Today's vaccines involve weakened forms of the viruses that are so close to dead that getting a fever is usually the worst possible side effect. Yet in 1733, everyone agreed that the dumbass peasants who were suspicious of the inoculation programs were laughably stupid. That makes people who are against vaccines today dumber than dumb people from almost 300 years ago.

This is what all those monarchs warned us about when we started founding democracies.

Well prepared.

It's coming.

Wait for it.


Nobody took the Seahawks loss harder than this guy...except his TV.

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See? He knows that rushing is better than passing.

Yesterday, we ran a montage of the best reactions that Seahawks and Patriots fans had to the last-minute interception that won the game for New England. Somehow, this guy didn't make it into that montage. That's OK, though, because he really stands alone in the ferocity of his disappointment, and by "stands alone" I mean "crashes face-first through his big screen TV."

There aren't too many big-screen projection TVs like that left in this flat-screen world. You just saw an endangered species get destroyed. Thanks, Pete Carroll.

A woman found this gross mystery creature in the tuna she was about to serve to her kids.

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Let's make friends.

You've probably heard vegetarians say they would never eat something that had a face. This is why. Zoe Butler was innocently opening a can of tuna, the mashed and compacted meat of animals that once had a face, to be confronted by this little guy.


Don't look at me! (via Nottingham Post)

She reacted with the appropriate level of horror that an animal she hadn't planned to eat was inside her food and complained to Princes Tuna. Princes has apologized and said they're investigating. Investigating is code for covering up a conspiracy of Roswellian proportions.

To be fair, no one should be forced to eat anything they don't want to, whether it's tuna meat or the meat of an unidentified water monster. It's the not knowing that seems to be bothering Ms. Butler, so here are some possibilities: A mermaid embryo. A magical bean. An alien/rainbow trout love child. The secret ingredient. Suggestions?

This barber will punish your misbehaving kid by giving him an embarrassing old man haircut.

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If you've run out of ways to legally discipline your kids, Rusty Fred will help make your kid more mature.


It's been a long childhood. (via A-1 Kutz)

If your kid is acting out, Rusty Fred from A-1 Kutz Barber in Snellville , GA isn't going to let you go to jail for straightening him out. For the low, low price of free, Rusty will give your kid the "grown-up kids special" AKA "The Benjamin Button," which will transform your wild kid into a aging and humiliated old man.

Here's the before and after of a child who Rusty isn't going to let slip through the cracks:


That's the pained look of wisdom right there. (via A-1 Kutz)

As Rusty Fred posted on his Instagram, "So you wana act grown...well now you can look grown to (sic). GOT TO REACH EM SOMEHOW," and then added plenty of community-related hashtags like #ittakesavillage, #learningexperience, #tryme, #lifelessons, and #yougonelearntoday.

Fred is the co-owner of A-1 Kuts and a 34-year-old father of three, who got the idea after his own 12-year-old son Rushawn began to fall behind in school. After shaving the crown of his head to resemble an old man's male-pattern baldness, he noticed Rushawn's grades dramatically improve. No need to call a police officer to make sure you are beating your kid within the legal limit.

After his success, he began advertising the cut to other parents who were looking for a safe way to straighten their own kids out. So far, one parent has taken him up on it (child pictured above), and he says he's gotten a lot of positive reactions.

In an interview with The Washington Post, Fred said, "there are a few people that are saying it's emotional abuse; but on average, everyone is applauding the mother that brought the child in — and applauding me as well."

He added that this should be used as a last resort after failing to be able to reason with your kid.

"I hope that most people won't have to do this unless it's an extreme circumstance and nothing else is working," he told the Post. "First, you talk or implement your restrictions. But when the conventional ways don't work these days, you have to get creative."

And he is happy to help, noting that "his barbers are sometimes the only positive male role models his younger patrons interact with regularly."

He really cares about about his community, and after his public humiliation went viral, had his misbehaved client back in to get his hair done correctly. He posted the results to Instagram with the comment, "Welp...pic went so hard over the Internet, @rusty_fred had to fix it today. But lil man says he's learned his lesson and he doesn't want them kinda problems again. #butwhyisthatfadesocleantho"


Enjoying his hair... for now. (via A-1 Kutz)

Pseudoscience confirms you can blame Facebook for your crippling depression.

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Guess what?


Shut down, my friend. Shut down. (Thinkstock)

If using Facebook makes you sad, you might get sad from using Facebook.

That's the big, uninteresting result of a study out of the University of Missouri. Researchers from the University's School of Journalism—you thought it would be psychologists, didn't you?—surveyed students at a Midwestern university who used Facebook for two hours a day on average to find out how Facebook made them feel. Shockingly, students who felt "envy" when looking at their friends' pictures and status updates also reported feeling symptoms of depression.

Don't worry, though.

The "researchers" also concluded that Facebook isn't all bad, depending on how you use it, which is something you probably could have guessed.


Now THAT'S how you use Facebook. Show them how it's done! (Thinkstock)

"Facebook can be a fun and healthy activity if users take advantage of the site to stay connected with family and old friends and to share interesting and important aspects of their lives," Professor Margaret Duffy told a University of Missouri reporter. All right! This conclusion is definitely worth mindlessly reprinting all over the web.

Anyway, we have the perfect remedy if you've got the Facebook blues: waste time on our site instead!

"Magic Mike XXL" trailer is here to make you horny, baby.

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What ever could this poster be talking about?

Ohhhhhh, duh. Now that the trailer is out, it's very clear where we'll all be coming on July 1st. In our seats. At the movie theater.

Attraction is subjective and there are plenty of people who would find the idea of Channing Tatum grinding on them disgusting, but I am not one of those people. Honestly, when he's just standing there he is a pretty boring looking dude. But when he dances! Merciful heaven, when he dances.

The trailer definitely features all the fun, sexy dancing we want from a Magic Mike sequel, though it's missing Matthew McConaughey and his cowboy hat/underwear look. It's also going to be missing the darker vibe of the original, according to Tatum. That's a shame. The pathos of the original did slow down the dong swinging, but it also gave me some moral high ground to retreat to. Oh well!

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 4, 2015

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1. Suge Knight Has Totally O.G.-Style Panic Attack In Court

Hiphop mogul Suge Knight, who has a reputation for being both intimidating and stoic, was rushed to the hospital the other day after being attacked by his own anxiety in the court room where he was pleading not guilty to a charge of murder, for which he faces a possible life sentence. Knight's crew is currently searching for his anxiety so that they can beat it within an inch of its life.


2. Groundbreaking New Study Reveals That Some Married People Cheat And Some Don't

According to a new study from the University of Oxford, about 57 percent of men and 47 percent of women are inclined to cheat on their spouses, while 43 percent of men and 53 percent of women are more likely to stay faithful. "This research suggests that there may be two distinct types of individuals within each sex, pursuing different mating strategies," the researchers explained. The results have been published in the journal Biology Letters, but will probably be reprinted in Obvious Stuff Monthly.


3. God Showers His Blessings Upon The Little Atheist Pagan Children

According to a number of studies, children who are raised in non-religious households grow up happier, more tolerant and more self-accepting than kids who are brought up believing that there's a man in the sky silently judging your every action and thought. Seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?


4. New Magic Mike XXL Trailer Is Here To Remind Straight Guys That They're Kind Of A Little Bit Gay

Warner Bros. Pictures has just released the trailer for Magic Mike XXL, the sequel to the hit Channing Tatum male stripper movie that resulted in lots and lots of heterosexual dudes sitting quietly in corners and thinking things through.


5. Lots Of Dumb Anti-Science Liberals Were Pouting At Their TVs Last Night While Jon Stewart Made Fun Of Them

During last night's episode of the Daily Show, Jon Stewart took aim at the kind of liberal, anti-science parents who refuse to vaccinate their children because of discredited fad paranoias, which is to say a significant chunk of his audience.

"Airplane!" seen side by side with the movie it parodies makes it even funnier.

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Which one is which?

Hey, all you Airplane! heads out there. We've got a nerdy super-cut for you. Airplane! was released in 1980 and is widely thought of as just a general parody of disaster movie tropes. Actually, it's a pretty close rip-off of the 1957 film Zero Hour. Many of the lines are basically unchanged, but the delivery and responses make their meanings completely different. So, I guess the secret to creating classic parodies is having Leslie Nielson throw the word "lasagna" into a regular script every once in awhile.


This guy and his great aunt accidentally wore the same exact outfit to her 90th birthday party.

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They didn't even plan this.

She wore it better. (via Imgur)

Pretty much the only difference between redditor jesfeld22 and his 90-year-old great aunt is that he opted to add a collared shirt, while she was able to keep her eyes fully open while the picture was being taken. She really looks great for 90, doesn't she?

Jesfeld swears up and down in the comments section of his post that his mommy made him wear this outfit because "the venue for the party was 'more upscale' than what I was wearing."

Whatever dude, your great aunt's got style. Argyle forever!

This dog with a helicopter on its head is way more patient than you or I.

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"Why are you doing this to me?"

Imagine your best friend comes up to you with a little remote-controlled helicopter and a little helipad cap and tells you to stand still. What do you do?

Wait! Before you answer, imagine that your best friend is also the person who feeds you and bathes you and decides when you are and are not allowed to go to the bathroom.

Now what do you do?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Someday soon.

Make a pass.

Going viral.

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