See how I put "tongue-in-cheek" in the title? Here's the link to the Wikipedia page for that phrase just in case.
This sandpaper-dry satire of what (some, not all) men consider the injustices they face in this world due to their gender comes to you from comedian Robbie Sherrard, who has made wry parodies of boring relationship observations a mainstay of his channel.
Please don't let me down, Internet. You can do it.
You up?
The new results published by Match.com's Annual Singles Survey are in, and have found conclusively that among a broad selection of single people in America, the ones who are using emojis while texting are getting laid more.
And this isn't just evidence that a bunch of 14-year-olds are doing the nasty, grandma. This is among people in their 20's, 30's and 40's. Yes, your 40-year-old single brother is sending the cat face with heart eyes to get his knob slobbered on.
Don't laugh. I get people laid.
Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist who helped lead the survey, said in an interview with Time magazine that "it turns out that 54% of emoji users had sex in 2014 compared to 31% of singles who did not."
That's science, people. A full quarter of the single population is getting laid more because they know how to say "I wanna do it" like this:
Feel free to copy and paste this.*
Make sure to be generous with your emojis, too. According to Match's sex-to-emoji chart, the more hieroglyph-phalluses you use, the more sex you're gonna get. People getting laid the most are using more than one emoji in every text they send.
Results are not in for how much sex you'll get for texting this graph. (via Time)
Fisher explains the phenomenon like this, "[Emoji users] want to give their texts more personality," says Fisher. "Here we have a new technology that absolutely jeopardizes your ability to express your emotion… there is no more subtle inflection of the voice … and so we have created another way to express emotions and that is the emoji."
This is all kind of ironic, considering emojis were created in Japan where the government is practically begging their population to reproduce. The answer to their problems is in their phone backyard.
Ok. You've been given the tools (unless you don't have a smart phone, in which case getting laid is going to be a much harder issue for you than just using emojis), so go out and get your [eggplant] so [dripping faucet] you have to dry it in [rice].
Happy sexting!
And remember, 
means 
*Someecards is not responsible for any resulting pregnancies or STD's.
Who pays for pizza with a check??? (via Imgur)
In a very Les Mis I-stole-to-feed-my-family moment, one man wrote a bad check to pay for a pizza. 13 years later, he still feels bound by morality to pay it back.
The anonymous man paid for what he "assumed" was a $20 pizza with interest compounded over 13 years. Redditor morgan_freemun, presumably the owner of the shop, posted it today with the note, "I"m speechless."
He probably has no words because the man who repaid his debt forgot to include the bank fees that likely went along with the bounced check, but let's just let him have this one.
Look out! It's getting ready to run amok!(via)
You may think that Gregor "The Mountain That Rides" Clegane is scary. But the massive and sadistic bannerman of Tywin Lannister—who gained infamy by crushing the skull of Prince Oberyn Martell in hand to hand combat—is nothing compared to the actual human being who plays him on HBO's Game of Thrones.
26-year-old Icelandic strongman competitor, Hafþór Björnsson, broke a one-thousand-year-old record for strength the other day when he carried a 1,400-pound log on his back for a grueling five paces:
If Hafþór Björnsson ever tells you he intends to crush your skull, you should just ask him to do it quickly.
But ask him nicely.
"The fingers go in here?"
I have no way of proving this, but I like to think that this Italian octogenarian never rolled another ball after getting this strike on her very first time attempting to bowl.
I want to believe that she will spend the remainder of her life with an absolutely perfect record.
Maybe she would have gotten away with it if she had it hidden in her "pouch."
(via Getty Images)
Last Friday a woman from Beaver Dam, WI brought a baby kangaroo into McDonalds wrapped in a baby blanket and placed in an infant's car seat. When staff politely informed her that the only non-humans allowed in their restaurant came in bulk and flash frozen, she resisted leaving,
Police insisted she vacate.
According to WTAQ, police officer Rich Dahl said he wasn't sure if "a kangaroo would legally qualify as a service animal to help the disabled."
And here, all this time I've just been eating McDonalds for emotional support.
Vanderklok is the guy in the orange hat. Kieser is the balding guy in the middle who looks exactly like every terrible supervisor who has ever abused their tiny powers.
Yikes! A shocking report by Ronnie Polanecsky on Philly.com today revealed the harrowing tale of Roger Vanderklok, 57, an architect and enthusiastic runner of half-marathons who was thrown in jail for 20 hours and charged with "making terroristic threats" after he pissed off TSA supervisor Charles Kieser at the Philadelphia International Airport.
There was surveillance footage of the entire event. Roger Vanderklok appeared calm and had his hands folded in front of him, laptop tucked in his arm. The TSA agents in the video chat calmly, drink soda, and help other passengers. The only person seen getting visibly emotional in the video is TSA supervisor Kieser.
The charges against him were thrown out in court after only hearing one witness (Kieser), and as Vanderklok's lawyer Thomas Malone states, "The police at the airport never even questioned Mr. Vanderklok. They just detained him. The detectives at the 18th [District] also never spoke with him. He was charged based on a single allegation by one TSA employee."
One TSA employee who still works there.
Not a PowerBar, but the US Army took this photo, so it's public domain.
On the morning of January 26, 2013, Roger Vanderklok arrived at the Philly airport to head to a half-marathon in Miami. That did not end up happening.
Mr. Vanderklok had PowerBars and a heart-rate-monitoring watch in his bag, prompting a search. He told them about the watch, but when agents asked him if he was carrying "organic matter," Roger said "no" because he thought they meant actual food like a vegetable. Personally, I forgive him for not realizing that PowerBars are technically comprised of "organic matter" like milk, wheat and sugar.
Well, plastic explosives can register as "organic matter" and watches or cell phones are often used as detonators, so there was good reason for the TSA to check up on this matter. The real problem started after agents realized that the PowerBars and watch were just PowerBars and a watch.
West Philadelphia, held and detained, in a jail cell is where I spent most of a day.
A frustrated Vanderklok said that everyone could have been saved a lot of time if he had just been told what "organic matter" meant. At this point, supervisor Charles Kieser (according to surveillance footage and Mr. Vanderklok) became visibly agitated with Vanderklok, who asked to file a complaint.
Instead of being handed a form and a mountain of indifference, as you would expect, Vanderklok was taken into custody by the Philadelphia police. His bags and cell phone were taken and he was placed in an airport holding cell for three hours—the maximum length they can stick you in an airport holding cell for no stated reason.
After the three hours elapsed (and his plane took off) he was placed in handcuffs and taken to a police station in West Philly. He had arrived at the airport at 8 a.m. that morning. It was not until 2 a.m. the following morning that he was arraigned and actually charged with something. And what a something it was! "Threatening the placement of a bomb" and "terroristic threats."
At 4 a.m., he was allowed to leave the station after his wife Eleanor was forced to cough up $4,000. Eleanor, by the way, had no idea where her husband was all day. She ended up calling 9-1-1, which finally resulted in a call back from the police to say Roger had been arrested for, you know, terrorism.
These colors don't register complaints.
Well, that sucks. But not as much as this: at the trial on April 8, 2013, supervisor Kieser went full-throttle in his attempts to have this public nuisance thrown away behind bars. Here is a quote from his testimony:
I saw a passenger becoming agitated. Hands were in the air. And it's something we deal with regularly. But I don't let it go on on my checkpoint.
Oh, good, your checkpoint. Keiser also claimed Vanderklok complained constantly that they were "delaying him" and said that Vanderklok
...had both hands with fingers extended up toward the ceiling up in the air at the time and shaking them. [Vanderklok] put his finger in my face. And he said, 'Let me tell you something. I'll bring a bomb through here any day I want.' And he said 'you'll never find it.'
All this was under oath, and Kieser insisted that Vanderklok put his finger in his face at least two more times. If true, those threats are indeed federal crimes.
In the surveillance footage, however, Vanderklok is calm and smiling, obeys all the agents, and never raises his hands. He never points. No agents react with alarm. No one alerts authorities or clears the area or does anything that accompanies a real bomb threat.
It also doesn't jive with Kieser's initial report to cops, which had Vanderklok saying (after being held up for 30 minutes over some PowerBars): "Anybody could bring a bomb in here and nobody would know." Although dumb, it's not criminal, and that is still Kieser's report of what Vanderklok said.
Perhaps to avoid having to charge a TSA supervisor with perjury and corruption, the judge threw out the case almost as soon as Kieser finished testifying.
Thomas Malone has filed suit on behalf of Vanderklok against the TSA, the Department of Homeland Security, and the Philadelphia Police Department for wrongfully imprisoning him because he wanted to file a complaint against Charles Kieser.
If it didn't involve 20 hours in jail, I imagine the line to file more complaints would be even longer than airport security.
See more details from this story and photos at Philly.com.
Why old Photobomb Phil's been dead for decades now.
You got photobombed by a g-g-g-ghost!(via)
Today marks the 11th anniversary of Facebook, and brings with it Friends Day, the giant social media site's giant social media celebration of itself. We have a lot to be grateful for this Friends Day, as we do every year on February 4. Without Facebook in our lives, we wouldn't be able to remember people's birthdays, stalk our exes, hate people on vacation, or laugh at the stupidity of the people in these 11 wonderfully idiotic screencaps. Enjoy. And happy #friendsday.
We don't know if he was on foot, or where he is... but his phone works. (via)
The anti-bullying movement had a good run.(via)
The driver was right ahead of you on your feed! (via)
Sex bomb with delayed detonation.(via)
Those are tears of joy...over how much attention I'm getting right now.(via)
He's going to regret this when she starts hitting on his friends.(via)
Guess who just became ineligible for the boyfriend part. (via)
Yep. Sounds complicated. (via)
Jessica cares enough to tell you in private how little she cares for you. (via)
Oh God! She shrunk!(via)
Translation: "More than 1000 attendees...Are they all [my supporters], and did they just come for the lice and petloluem?"
(via President Cristina Kirchner of Argentina)
Argentine President Cristina Kirchner is currently in China securing some of the $250 billion the Chinese have pledged to invest in South America over the next five years, which makes her grade-school humor about the Chinese accent's stereotypical "L" and "R" problems pretty bizarre. What's even weirder is that it's now pinned to the top of her feed in defiance of the controversy it has raised.
President Kirchner addressing Argentinians, who also sound funny to some people.
(via President Cristina Kirchner of Argentina)
Look at those two words Bing failed to translate: aloz and petlóleo. Even if you don't know Spanish, you might know that "arroz" means rice. Americans will also recognize "petróleo" as the word for their favorite substance in the world, petroleum. In addition, Kirchner's political youth organization in Argentina is known as La Cámpora...not La Cámpola. I know what you're thinking: I thought racist jokes usually turn the "L" into and "R," and not the other way around? I thought so, too. I don't know what to tell you.
After it immediately and predictably landed her in hot water all over the world, Kirchner issued a political non-apology, heavy on the "non":
Sorry. ¿Sabes qué? Es que es tanto el exceso del ridículo y el absurdo, que sólo se digiere con humor. Sino son muy, pero muy tóxicos.
— Cristina Kirchner (@CFKArgentina) February 4, 2015
"Sorry. You know what? The levels of ridiculousness and absurdity are so high, they can only be digested with humor," said Kirchner, according to the NYTimes(notBing). I think a better translation might just be "Sorry some people don't get why I'm hilarious." The Chinese, who signed 15 deals with Kirchner covering visas, media, energy, information technology, space technology and finance, never brought it up.
CFK se reunió con Xi Jinping, ratificó la alianza con China y firmó 15 nuevos convenios bilaterales @CFKArgentinapic.twitter.com/b14XDcNmzE
— Casa Rosada (@CasaRosadaAR) February 4, 2015
And I mean, considering Kirchner's government is currently under a massive investigation into whether they had a lawyer (who had in his possession arrest warrants for the President and other high-ranking officials) murdered the day before he was due to testify that the Argentine government covered up Iranian involvement in a terrorist bombing in exchange for lucrative trade deals with the Islamic Republic of Iran...well, this might not be her biggest problem right now.
Cristina Kirchner, everyone!
It must be great being the host of The Tonight Show and able to just casually insert yourself into all your favorite childhood memories. Even some of the original cast members couldn't get it together for this reunion, but Jimmy Fallon gets a whole character arc. He even rewrites his own history and plans to finally go on that date with Nicole Kidman.
This video is probably three times longer than the written sketch due to the wild cheering of the crowd, but if you were a fan of the show you'll be cheering inside, too. Or sitting in stunned silence when you realize Elizabeth Berkley is 42.
I mean, they didn't put her on the cover or anything, but it's still a big deal.
For the first time ever in the Sport Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, an ad will feature a plus-sized model in a bikini.
Ashley Graham will appear in an ad for her company Swimsuits for All, which makes bathing suits for plus-sized women of all body types. The ad shows a confident Graham in a black bikini, literally knocking a man over with her sexiness. Last year, Graham's company recreated an SI cover with plus-sized models.
Graham's appearance in the magazine (theoretically) heralds the beginning of the Curvy Girl Era, which is great news for curvy girls and bad news for those of us who aren't exactly curvy but just sort of pudgy in random places. When will our era come?
In a press release, Graham said, "I know my curves are sexy and I want everyone else to know that theirs are too. There is no reason to hide and every reason to flaunt. The world is ready for more curves in bikinis."
Don't freak out. This is still what the woman on the cover looks like:
SURPRISE!!! Introducing the 2015 #SISwim cover model, @hanni_davis! pic.twitter.com/S22VRvo4Fy
— SI Swimsuit (@SI_Swimsuit) February 5, 2015
I, for one, look forward to a day when we don't measure progress for women based on the body types of swimsuit models in a magazine issue for men, but hey. Baby steps.
On standby for Shark Week. (viainstalame_rene)
"...A couple of party tattoos never hurt anyone."
So sayeth Matty Clark to Esquire. To give the choice of tattooing a meme on your ankle even more context than that quote, Clark's nickname is Matty Shark and this isn't his first rodeo. A rodeo is this thing where you get sharks tattooed on your body.
One big surprise I got from this interview was that he originally was all about the RIGHT SHARK. Can you believe that? He says, "Well when I first saw it, I had the opposite reaction. I was like, Yo, the one on the right is nailing it!"
Takes all kinds, I guess.
No, this is not an amazingly hi-res preview of a boss enemy in a new Metroid game, it (terrifyingly) is real life. This video was taken by snorkeler Jonathan Gordon, who wrote,
This guy took me completely by surprise while snorkeling in the Caribbean. I dove down to have a look at the shell that you can see just under where the octopus appears and as I approached the octopus came out of hiding. I had literally no idea he was there until I was about a metre away.
Usually, humans like to tell themselves that threatening animals are more scared of us than we are of them. I don't think this 'pus is scared. I think that 'pus is enraged. Leave that 'pus's shell alone, dude.
When it comes to animal camo, octopi make chameleons look like 80s skiiers wearing DayGlo in the snow. Check out this SciShow video on how the wriggly invertebrates put Pentagon technology to shame:
The sidewalks are paved with asphalt, so they probably look like roads to you and me, but these Russian drivers know better and are definitely trying to get away with something. The "Stop a Douchebag" program is a Russian youth movement that attempts to enforce the road traffic regulations in Russia.
Clearly pissed, some of these entitled drivers are willing to run these kids down rather than drive on the road with the rest of the motorists, but when they do, they get an impossible-to-remove sticker placed on their windshield.
I'm taking applications for a "Stop a Douchebag" program here in the States. Who's ready to slap some stickers on people crossing the street while staring at their cell phones?
Excuse me, sir. Can I see your papers? (screengrab via WCAX)
A state senator in Vermont has brought forward a proposal to adopt a new Latin state motto. The proposed motto—Stella quarta decima fulgeat—means "May the fourteenth star shine bright." It's a reference to Vermont being the 14th state in the union and also something that used to appear on state coins.
Currently, Vermont has "Freedom and Unity" as its (English) motto, and this Latin motto would be separate.
When local news station WCAX reported on the senator's proposal, people were furious.
And very confused. They thought "Latin" was the language spoken by people from "Latin America," and were distressed by immigrants who are taking over.
All the screengrabs of hilariously racist/stupid/xenophobic comments below are via If You Only News. Sadly, the Facebook page of WCAX has now been taken over by well-meaning smarties trying to put these bigots in their place (and ruining all the fun in the process).
"I thought this was USA," indeed. Good luck with that bill, Senator.
Hello. (screengrab via Business Insider)
We all think we know what the struggles of being a beloved genius are, but Neil deGrasse Tyson reminds us in this video that we have no idea. The man behind StarTalk Radio Show and Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey revealed to Business Insider that he has foregone food and bathing to solve a Rubik's Cube. There are a few other anecdotes, but it's just generally interesting to hear what the King of the Nerds considers nerdy. Like what the King of Breathing would consider air.
If you name your cat Rudiger, expect him to dig.
The desperation of this cat to free itself from the ungodly trap of being stuck inside the house has gotten the better of the feline. Not usually known for their tolerance of anything cold or wet, this cat patiently claws his way through a four foot snow drift to eventually make it to the outside, only to make the very cat-like decision to change his mind.
I expect he will claw his way back out again ten minutes later when he forgets that he didn't like it before.
The majesty of this cat's self-rescue mission is only blighted by the owner's failure to capture the exact moment when he gloriously gets outside. We see a couple failed jump attempts, but never get the satisfaction of success. Did owner James Gilfoy give up on Rudiger and throw him out in the snow, or did he just miss the amazing moment because he got bored?
Snow big deal.
