1. The Associated Press Adorably Sues To Obtain Emails Hillary Clinton Pretends She Will Let Us See

The Associated Press, bless their hearts, have filed suit against the U.S. Department of State after multiple Freedom of Information Act requests to get their hands on Hillary Clintons' public emails dating back to 2010—which totally do not contain any classified information that could impact negatively upon her 2016 presidential campaign—were ignored. So cute, it breaks my heart!

I like to think the emails Hillary's hiding are just really clever dick jokes about Bill.

— bitter spice (@goldengateblond) March 11, 2015

2. Ben Carson: The People Will Stop The Third Term That Obama Isn't Trying To Get

Ben Carson—the neurosurgeon and likely GOP presidential candidate who has been making a name for himself in conservative circles by saying all manner of intolerant, ignorant things—reassured readers of the ultra-conservative website World Net Daily that Barack Obama will not be getting a third term in office because "We the people would oppose it through our Constitution, the 22nd Amendment of which forbids more than two terms." Also because he has made zero effort to stay any longer than he has to.

Ben Carson is living proof that neurosurgeons can be complete idiots.

— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) March 4, 2015

3. 'Blurred Lines' Loses Lawsuit About Something Other Than How Weird And Rapey It Is

Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams' 2013 hit "Blurred Lines" was found by an L.A. jury to be a ripoff of Marvin Gaye's 1977 classic "Got to Give It Up," even though the two songs don't really have all that much in common aside from a ineffable feeling. Unfortunately, you cannot get sued for writing a song that glamorizes date rape and has the creepiest, most-sexist music video in decades.

BREAKING: Jury demands Pharrell pay 30% of 2015 hat budget for ripping off Marvin Gaye on 'Blurred Lines'

— Mike White (@theMikeWhite) March 11, 2015

4. Senate Republicans Can't Believe That Obama Didn't Laugh At Their Hilarious Iran Letter Joke

Republicans in the U.S. Senate have been taken aback at how everybody, including President Obama, failed to see how funny their hilariously borderline-treasonous letter to Iran was. "The administration has no sense of humor when it comes to how weakly they have been handling these negotiations," a GOP aide said of the "cheek" effort to undermine the Executive Office.

What people should be angry about is that the Republicans' letter to Iran ended with "...and don't forget to check out our podcast."

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) March 11, 2015

5. Chameleons' Ability To Not Attract Attention Attracts Attention

A new scientific study has found that chameleons may expand and contract nanocrystals in their skin in order to change color to blend in with their surroundings. Because everything has to have nano-something nowadays.

My chameleon isn't quite what it used to be

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 15, 2015

For a good time, take a look at all of this bathroom graffiti.

Butt Brothers 4EVA (via)

Forget the public stalls, here's a bunch of bathroom graffiti you can read on your phone while taking a poop at home.

Some people may find bathroom graffiti to be nothing more than crass vandalism, but I see it as artistic expression uniting common men and women over the one experience all of humanity shares: sitting in a disgusting public bathroom.

Is the art less noble because it bears witness to the excretion of waste? Or is it less noble because it is often sexist, racist, homophobic, and usually just a crude drawing of a dick? Ok, maybe those are less noble, but amongst the trash, there are treasures.

So, sit down on your toilet, check out these hidden gems and, please, don't strain.

Hasta la Pee-sta, baby. (via)

Confucius was here. (via)

But once she gets home, you know what she's going to do. (via)

Aughhh so close. (via)

Sometimes the best lines get cut from speeches. (via)

Tell the people waiting for the bathroom that I'm having a moment. (via)

This ghost that died in a bathroom clearly had unfinished business. (via)

Giraffe-iti. (via)

He means the bathroom. (via)

Mind. Blown. (via)

Spaceballs. Feel free to add your own in the comments section. (via)

Pixar: emotions are people. People are irrational bags of emotions.

I realize this isn't the first trailer for this film, but it's the first one I've seen and I feel like I'm watching a beloved sports hero cheat right in front of me. Pixar has made billions of dollars turning ordinary nouns into characters filled with complex human feelings. Always looking to improve this system, executives have decided to eliminate the middleman of a "thing" to imbue with emotions and are now just making characters named Anger (Lewis Black), Joy (Amy Poehler), Disgust (Mindy Kaling), Sadness (Phyllis Smith) and Fear (Bill Hader) for the upcoming film Inside Out.

What's next? Are they going to make a movie called Movie about a digital film projector whose big goal is to finish projecting the movie Movie? The whole plot could just be an old, wizened human projectionist giving the new digital projector a pep talk as a timer counts down to the end of the film.

What about a movie called Money where we learn that every dollar has a name and every time you give Pixar money you learn the name of your dollars and something about their backstory.

I'd probably pay to see it, just like I'll definitely pay to see this.

How many eighths are in a bale?

The video above shows a high-speed chase that happened last week between officers from a local sheriff's department and suspected drug traffickers. I say "suspected," even thought they're clearly throwing giant bales of marijuana out of their white SUV (the official vehicle of high-speed chases) as they go.

It's not clear if the dealers are throwing out the drugs in a poorly-timed attempt to destroy the evidence, or if they're trying to make the cop cars spin out like the pot bales are bananas in Mario Kart. Either way, it didn't work. Both men in the car are now in custody, along with a number of other members of their organization. There's just one loose end: the weed.

Police are now saying that 5 of the 22 bales were never recovered. During the chase, four or five vehicles were seen stopping to pick up the fallen bricks (at least, the ones that didn't explode into chronfetti). Considering that the 17 bales collected contained 374 pounds of contraband, anyone who grabbed even one of the others will be partying well into the next decade. It's still not clear whether police will ever recover those last 5 weed bales, but one thing is certain: police will never recover those last 5 weed bales.

Meet the Sons of Anarchy, puppy-saver edition.

I'm going to give this dog the benefit of the doubt and say that it was running around in the road because it was completely panicked, not because it was dumb. (Really, this dog reminded me of how I act when I have an anxiety attack at an over-crowded Trader Joe's.) Thankfully, these good-guy motorcyclists put their own lives at risk to stop traffic and chase down the dog on foot — although that ball of panic and fur didn't make it easy.

My favorite thing about this video is that, with just a soundtrack change, it would totally look like this dog is an action hero trying to escape an evil biker gang.

"No" means "no," and "go away" means "go away."

There's a point at which young love tips over from being adorable to being annoying. It's an extremely distinct point that shouldn't be at all difficult to find: it's the point right after you've been rejected, which is fine, and right before you keep going, which is not.

The very idea that you can win somebody's affection at all is a kind of dangerous myth. Okay, maybe you can win somebody's company by beating them down with romantic overtures until they agree to spend time with you, but you can't force them to enjoy it. The more likely scenario, though, is that they'll start actively avoiding you, and you'll end up losing not just their friendship but your own self-respect.

Here's the reality: somebody who genuinely likes you in that special way doesn't need to be convinced to reciprocate your affection, and if they don't like you in that special way, then that's that. Maybe one day, something will click in their head and they'll suddenly discover an untapped well of affection for you, but I promise you that it will have nothing to do with you embarking upon an ongoing campaign for their love. In fact, such behavior would almost certainly prevent them from changing their mind.

So, whether you're the boy the woman in this video is talking to, or some other person being similarly annoying to someone who is not this woman's daughter, you have to digest this advice: let it go.

And you know what? When somebody does come along who feels for you the way you feel for them, you'll be amazed at how easy a relationship can be. No begging, no stalking, no crying. Just pleasantness.

Sincerely,
Guy who learned this lesson the hard way

"Way back. When I had the red and black lumberjack, with the hat to match."

Way back, as in back to the Jurassic era. The lyrics, from the song "Hypnotize" by The Notorious B.I.G., are a dead-on match for Earl Sinclair, the prehistoric patriarch from the '90s puppet-sitcom classic from ABC, "Dinosaurs."

By perfectly melding together Earl Sinclair with the song, Benjamin Roberts has created one of, if not the, greatest mashup of all time. I would almost assume Earl was modeled after biggie, if the show hadn't gone extinct in 1994 (whereas Hypnotize wasn't released until 1997).

So it begs the question, was Biggie modeling himself after Earl, instead? The facial expressions of the puppet nail the emotional intent of the song sublimely. And does that mean the Dinosaurs character Roy Hess could be Puffy?

It's hypnotizing. (via Tumblr / Jim Henson)

Can't you see?

It's Pro Golfer Winning Man!

"Please call me Tiger or Mr. Woods, but not both at the same time." (via Getty Images)

Tiger Woods is opening "The Woods Jupiter" this spring — that's a restaurant in Florida, not the sequel to Jupiter Ascending. But the restaurant's developer, Nicholas A. Mastroianni II*, revealed that the restaurant can't have Tiger's full name in it because the rights to it are owned by Nike.

This is a shame, because restaurants named after celebrities are hilarious, as Golf magazine reminds us when writing about Tiger's restaurant, citing past ventures including "Flavor Flav's Flav's Fried Chicken, Hulk Hogan's Pastamania, and Britney Spears' Nyla restaurant." Hulk Hogan's Pastamania?! Let's just look at that for a moment:

Anyway, back to Tiger Woods. I'm pretty bummed that he doesn't have the rights to his name to use for weird celebrity branding. That means we will never see a line of Tiger Woods women's dress shoes like Carlos Santana has. Or a Tiger Woods premium dog food like Rachel Ray has. Or a Tiger Woods limoncello like Danny Devito has. Then again, no one can have a limoncello quite like Danny Devito, because his limoncello has this theme song that is impossible to top:

* Totally doesn't sound like a rich developer guy/80s movie villain. Nope, no way.

Who mails the mailmen?

Rilly, rilly, sincirilly. (via Imgur)

Olivier, the child in the astronaut t-shirt hiding behind a post card, really understands the excitment of someone caring enough to send something personal through the mail. Without the burden of understanding what a slog delivering mail must be, and how sick of mail us adults assume a mailman would be, this child is only thinking of how sad it is that the mailman touches thousands of pieces of mail a day and none of it is for him.

Today, the mail is for the mailman.

And for the record, despite his extra "i" (and a bunch of other extra letters) in "Sincerely," he actually spelled his own name correctly. According to his parent, redditor absofaluminum, who posted this image to reddit today, Olivier is spelled and pronounced the "French way, yo!"

I mean, EVERYONE loves mail.

You could be getting rich from the comfort of your own laptop.

It was recently announced that millionaire Alicia Shaffer of Three Bird Nest won Etsy. How much did she win, or—in unfun capitalist terms—“earn”? $960,000 in annual revenue.

Alicia is living the dream, and you can, too!

We did the research, and we believe we have the formula for winning the Etsy lottery. $tock your $hop with these product$, and you'll be raking in the vintage, one-of-a-kind dough in no time.

10. $250 — Replica of Scarf Worn by Beyonce

9. $440 — Knitted Dog Waste Bags

8. $2,500 — Handmade Wooden Vibrators Encrusted with Polished Shards of Broken Tiffany Chandelier

7. $65 — Beaded Ryan Gosling Statuette

6. $20,000 — Life-Sized Dragon Wings (absolutely not "Game of Thrones"-style)

5. $800 — Pillbox Hat Made Entirely from Expired Xanax Pills

4. $5,000 — Latex Mask of Marilyn Monroe

3. $150 — Lion King VHS Tiara

2. $3,999 — Painting of $1,000,000

1. $15,000 — Crocodile Skin Wedding Cape

Don't look down. Even when you're just watching the video.

Caminito del Rey, or "The King's Little Pathway," is a walkway along a gorge in Málaga, Spain. It was originally built in 1905 for construction workers to bring supplies to a hydroelectric dam they were building, but its fame only came years later as it fell into disrepair. The walkway became so dangerous that daredevils from around the world sought it out to test their nerves, as well as their climbing skills. And it was a good test, because a lot of them died.

“@annamariasummon: - El Caminito del Rey - Spagna pic.twitter.com/uG7XWwQvgE"#безголовы
— Александр Вакуров (@vakurov_ru) January 24, 2015

In fact, after five tourists died in 1999 and 2000, the local government shut down the trail. However, that didn't stop the adrenaline junkies. Once officials realized they would never be able to keep everyone out, they dedicated $3.36 million to renovating El Caminito and making it safe. They added a reinforced walkway above the original, with a fence and safety lines. They're also requiring all visitors to wear helmets. Because a helmet will protect you from a 100 meter drop.

Kneepads are optional, but recommended.(via Spain-holiday.com)

After 14 years, El Caminito del Rey is once again open to the public. What do you think? Does the possibility of safety ruin the excitement of a trek like this? Or would you still go for it? I guess you could always get drunk first if you still wanted it to be a bad idea. Plus you'd have a helmet to puke in.

The place: The Second City mainstage, Chicago IL.

In 2015, Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert are both much bigger stars than Fabio. But in 1994, Carell and Colbert were merely noteworthy local comedians performing at the famed Second City in Chicago, while Fabio was fucking Fabio. Nowadays, we've learned that Fabio is actually really funny and a very good sport (for example, if you ever see him in person, he will pick you up in his arms so you can take a picture like you're on the cover of a romance novel). In 1994, however, he was the intimidating symbol of virility that graced hundreds of those best-selling paperbacks that grocery stores used to keep near checkout counters (and at bookstores, which were a thing I don't have time to explain right now).

See also: If you ever meet Fabio in real life, he will totally let you do this to him.

Colbert and Carell didn't just collaborate on the Second City stage in the 90s, they also starred together in the short-lived but (now) much-appreciated Dana Carvey Show, where they created this classic long before The Daily Show:

The Second City Network has been releasing a lot of old videotaped classics from the 90s recently, including an unreleased pilot starring a young Amy Poehler as a rapping hacker seeking to disrupt the US television networks.

You'd have to be Kanye West to not appreciate this.

"This video is disrespectful to inspiration." — Kanye West, probably

Two days ago, a video of Kanye West trying and failing to do the robot went viral, but only now has it reached its full glory.

Luckily for all of us, this mash-up that makes it look like Kanye is dancing to the theme from Rugrats automatically loops, so it should save us the carpal tunnel syndrome that would result from hitting replay over and over again.

"Dash" might be pushing it, but this is still amazing.

This man is Charles Eugster. He just broke – smashed, actually – the world record for the 200m dash set by Orville Rogers in 2013. That is, the world record for athletes over 95 years old. Eugster's time was 55.48 seconds, a whopping 2.4 seconds shorter than Rogers's time.

Want to know my time? I'll tell you when I'm 95. If I did it before then, it wouldn't be fair. And I'd be embarrassed that these guys beat me.

Feel the burn, if you can truly feel.

Boston Dynamics makes the best robots the US Military has to offer. They're the most advanced, the smartest, the fastest, and the strongest. And now, it looks like they're getting stronger.

See all of Boston Dynamics' robots here: Google unveils Spot, the robo-dog that will be the last thing you see when the machines rise.

When the robots do take over, at least we'll be able to use this video to study their exercise routine. Maybe if we can work out like them, we can fight like them. And now, we even know what they put on their workout mix to get pumped: Paul Engemann's "Push It to the Limit," from the Scarface soundtrack.

Who am I kidding? We're all dead.

Don't try this at home. There's no way it will be as funny.

As you can tell from their name, the Boxer is not a breed to turn down a fight. Even against a vacuum cleaner. Lily may just be a puppy, but she has the bravery of a seasoned warrior. Keep on fighting the good fight, Lily. We're behind you.

Until someone snaps their legs off, anyway.

Today, Vice released a lengthy profile on Bubble Soccer. Like many Vice pieces, it was much longer than I personally have an attention span for, but they described this rising sport perfectly as "the NFL Blitz version of soccer." The hits are as huge as they are hilariously safe—as you've probably deduced by now, it's full contact soccer inside of giant plastic inflated bubbles. Surprisingly, this didn't start out as the soccer version of Sarcastiball (the South Park sport full of hugs and balloons that Randy Marsh accidentally started to protest concerns about Pee Wee football safety), although it did start out as a joke by two Norwegian comedians and television hosts named Henrik Elvestad and Johan Golden in 2011. Even though their TV clip is in Norwegian, the humor needs no translation (subtitles are available in settings, though):

Of course, here in the US, putting players in bubbles is usually what cranky sports commentators suggest whenever NFL players get all whiny about losing their memories and mental functions at age 40 due to traumatic brain injury. That just makes this all the more amusing to me because the hits in Bubble Soccer send players flying in a way you never get in the NFL:

Head over to Vice to read their in-depth report on this exciting new sport.

Slow down, kid, you're making me dizzy.

At first, I was all, "I'm not really watching a snowboarding video, am I?" Then, I was all, "uhhhhhhoooohhhhmycrap!" That noise was forced out of me by watching Japanese teen Yuki Kadono pull off back-to-back 1620ºs (four-and-a-half turns) at the U.S. Open snowboarding championships.

He won. Natch.

No. Nope. No way. No thanks. Bye.

This video was posted by Jarred Smith, a 22-year-old resident of Sydney, Australia, who found the above six-foot python just hanging out in his corn flakes box. A few things:

1. No.
2. Hell no.
3. If any snake is going to show up in a corn flakes box, it should be a corn snake. Snakes of the world, you guys are missing a huge opportunity for brand synergy here.

Chris McGreal from the New South Wales Wildlife Information, Rescue and Education Service came to remove the snake. According to an article in Australia's Independent,

'The python was over 2m long and I couldn't ­believe it was jammed into this small cereal box,' Mr McGreal said.

'When I got there I ­actually had to tear the box to get it out, that's how tightly squeezed in it was. It's likely it was hiding in there to feel secure.'

Look, snake, I get it. I've curled up in the corner of the room when I was feeling sad plenty of times. But I never did it in somebody's food. Then again, that is probably a good way to get attention. If that's what you were going for, snake, I applaud your ingenuity.