5. Dave Chappelle, because the audience from his last show wants a refund.

Too much of that purple stuff.(Getty)

Ten years after he famously walked away from his show, Dave Chappelle's legend has only grown, and with good reason. Not only was Chappelle's Show amazing, he's still one of the greatest stand-up comedians ever to take the stage. To this day, he sells out arenas around the country with hordes of devoted fans. But if there's one person working to tarnish that legacy, it's Dave Chappelle.

In recent years, his live shows have been less and less well-received. His sets often last for three hours or more, most of it taken up by rambling stories instead of the tightly-written material of his earlier career. But last Thursday, at a show in Detroit, it reached a new level.

Chappelle appeared onstage an hour late, and visibly drunk. Slurring his words, he spent most of the show berating hecklers. Reactions from audience members were not forgiving:

Dave Chappelle = biggest disappointment. Showed up drunk and literally told two jokes over two hours.
— Misanthropic Me (@th3madtitan) April 24, 2015

Only time will tell if the Fillmore gives any of those fans a refund. Personally, I hope not. As a standup comedian myself, I have a vested interest in that precedent not being set. If everyone who was disappointed by one of my shows were eligible for a refund, a lot of venues would go out of business.

4. The owners of the llamas from the llama chase, because fame has changed them.

"And that was the moment… everything changed." –Behind the Fleece
(via ABC15/Washington Post)

Back in February, two llamas escaped while visiting a senior citizens' home in Arizona and ran straight into our hearts. Then we immediately forgot about them because of The Dress. But two people who didn't forget were the llamas' owners: Bob Bullis and Karen Freund.

In the days and weeks after the llamas were apprehended, Bullis and Freund were interviewed on morning shows, made appearances at live events, and had a near-constant stream of camera crews and gawkers coming to their Phoenix home to see the llamas. Now, they say that the attention has left the llamas changed.

Freund says that Laney, the younger, dark alpaca, has mostly bounced back from the experience. But Kahkneeta, the older, white alpaca, has gained a defiant streak. She's grown distant, and Freund thinks she may have post-traumatic stress. She told the New York Times: "She's a little harder to handle now. She knows if she takes off, she can do whatever she wants. She was always my llama, and now she holds me accountable for everything that happened." Talk about #llamadrama.

Let's hope that Kahkneeta recovers soon, so that Bullis and Freund can resume bringing both llamas to live events like the encounter with senior citizens they were on when they escaped. By all accounts, that was a great success. Claire Mevius, a resident of the retirement home, told the Times:

“We were more excited about it than the llamas — they were calm, we were not. I don't like petting dogs and cats. That llama neck felt great. I didn't object to it at all."

3. An Alaskan man who led police on a high-speed chase in his motorhome.

Sometimes, Alaska really earns its nickname: "Cold Florida." 49-year-old Eligah Christian of Wasilla (where you can get a good view of Russia) was driving his motorhome when police attempted to make a traffic stop. Rather than pull over, Christian decided to make a break for it in his massive vehicle. It seems silly, but when you think about it, it's kind of genius. How often do you get the opportunity to run from the police and bring your whole life with you?

Sadly, it didn't work out for Christian. He struck several police vehicles while trying to make a turn, and was immobilized by spike strips. He was charged with felony failure to stop at the direction of a peace officer, misdemeanor reckless driving and felony criminal mischief. He's still in jail, and will reportedly be represented in his trial by a public defender. Meanwhile, his motorhome is presumably in the police impound lot, where I have to assume the impound workers are using it to have some sweet parties. Wouldn't you?

2. An Air India passenger whose attempt to flirt with the flight attendant backfired.

If you look to your right, you'll see a douchebag being thrown off the plane.(Getty)

35-year-old Yousuf Sharif was flying from Dubai to Hyderabad when he attempted what many sleazy airline passengers have tried before: picking up the flight attendant. Police inspector T Sudhakar told the Deccan Chronicle, "He was requesting the crew member to pose for a selfie and tried to engage her in a conversation, to which she objected." That should have been the end of it, but it never is with these pricks.

The next time the flight attendant came around, Sharif decided to get revenge by playing a harmless prank: he threatened to hijack the plane. Rather than laughing and agreeing to a date, however, the flight attendant immediately notified the captain, who radioed it to Air Traffic Control. Police were waiting at the gate to take Sharif into custody.

Maybe next time he'll have more sense and try Tinder. Although if he does, I have a tip: don't threaten any terrorist action. It's a turnoff.

1. Three Russian dancers who were jailed for twerking at a WWII memorial.

This video, posted to YouTube by a group of young Russian women, seems like a lot of YouTube clips: sexy dancing in a dramatic location. The problem is that that structure they're dancing in front of is the Malaya Zemlya Memorial, which commemorates Russia's involvement in World War II. Considering how important Russia was in defeating the Nazis, it seems in pretty poor taste. That being said, the government's excessive reaction means these women are having a pretty bad Monday.

A Novorossiysk court sentenced two of the dancers to ten days in jail each. Another received 15 days, and two others were fined. Prosecutors accused the women of participating in an "erotic and sexual twerk dance." They added: "This incident of disrespect for the memory of war history is unacceptable and any attempts to desecrate sites of military glory will be stopped immediately."

A committee is now investigating whether the dance constituted "debauched action," a crime punishable by up to three years in prison. This is pretty ridiculous. Haven't this committee ever heard of free speech? Oh wait, it's Russia. Never mind.

A woman learned sending a profane, nine-page document full of personal insults to the judge who dismissed your case probably won't change his mind.

No wonder he's so grumpy.(stock photo)

Earlier this year, Tamah J. Clark filed a "civil rights lawsuit" in Florida. District court judge Willis B. Hunt decided to dismiss the lawsuit, and Clark respectfully accepted the court's decision.

LOL, JK.

Last week, she filed a 9-page letter with her county clerk to personally attack and rail against Judge Hunt. I don't know if you can make any sense of the legalese mumbo-jumbo, but the whole response is titled, "To F*** This Court and Everything that it Stands For."

Here's an excerpt:

(Via Gannett)

How about that? Now, we can't and wouldn't speak to the veracity of Clark's initial suit (nor are the details of it public).

But we can share some of the most choice and printable bon mots hurled against Judge Hunt in the babbling statement:

"What a joke you are, old man"
"Domestic sellout b*tch"
"What a shameful and stupid joke you are"
"Old impotent geezer"
"A castrated coward"
"A treacherous, lying, spineless bastard" who "deserves to be in hell for the rest of eternity"

For more pointed legal insight, you can read the whole document here.

Man dying of Parkinson's decides he doesn't want people having all the fun without him.

De 79-jarige Thomas Kershaw viert alvast zijn eigen dood met een groot verkleedfeest http://t.co/4UdKfDJRJrpic.twitter.com/JlDlDOiTDO
— WTF.nl (@WTFnl) April 27, 2015

Thomas Kershaw, a 79-year-old man suffering from Parkinson's disease, has been told for over three years that he is close to death. Finally, on Friday night, he decided when his wake would be, and that he'd be in attendance.

"What was the point in everyone having a drink and me not being there?" he said to the Sunderland Echo. Though it looked like most people in attendance weren't old enough to drink, it didn't stop people from abandoning their inhibitions and putting on costumes for the "fancy dress" wake. Kershaw himself dressed as Dick Turpin (a famous English thief).

If you're privileged and old enough to convince people to attend your own wake, and you don't make your guests wear Super Mario Brothers costumes, why even bother? You only live once.

I may not be as old as Thomas Kershaw, but that didn't stop my friends from throwing me my own wake last week. They all showed up at my home, sat in a circle, and explained what they miss most about me. Oh, sorry. I just realized that was my intervention.

Do not go gently into that good night, friends! Throw a cool party first.

Behold the saga of the Protein World ads in London.

Great ad, no really. (via @Laura_Stevens1)

Protein World ran an ad campaign in London that many found body-shaming, so people defaced the ads and posted their work on social media. The anti-Protein World photos range from frustration, to promoting body-positivity, to just pure silliness. Opposition to the ads have garnered enough support to merit a petition, a Facebook page, and a public demonstration in Hyde Park.

This is how people are vandalizing the ads and showing solidarity against Protein World:

Also (via @everyoneisetra) pic.twitter.com/4KWnq61HcX
— The Vagenda Team (@VagendaMagazine) April 24, 2015

I committed an act of civil disobedience last week and it felt glorious @VagendaMagazine@EverydaySexismpic.twitter.com/4jl8vbnulU
— Miranda Fay (@mirandafay) April 22, 2015

You're god damn right @Catstello and I are beach body ready. No help needed, we're #alreadyperfect. #bodypositivepic.twitter.com/UysgHFkvpa
— Fiona Longmuir (@EscapologistGl) April 22, 2015

Thank God I've been using @ProteinWorld this whole time! @arjun_seth#beachbodyready#eachbodysreadypic.twitter.com/xb4F3rIPqQ
— Tom Rasmussen (@TomGlitter) April 26, 2015

This is pretty great, right? People are bonding over a message of positivity inspired by a bunch of advertisements for a crappy weight-loss powder! Alas, the story doesn't end here. The company responsible for the ads responded via Twitter and were total jerks about it.

@HarrietEJohnson@FemLonCon Grow up Harriet pic.twitter.com/LRHqOptpk4
— Protein World (@ProteinWorld) April 23, 2015

Bad social media 101. @ProteinWorld attack users who dare criticise their ad campaign. @JulietteBurton@UKChangepic.twitter.com/lrbNgC2Mzk
— Laura Muldoon (@Laurajmuldoon) April 24, 2015

In the last, and perhaps strangest, turn of events in this story, Protein World Chief Executive Arjun Seth told Channel 4 News how he feels about the vandals of his company's ads: "they're terrorists, you can quote me on that". Wow dude, no. You are so wrong. You don't know what terrorism is.

This is what I have to say to the owner of Protein World:

This is what I think of @ProteinWorld's advert.... #proteinworld#beachbodyready#eachbodysreadypic.twitter.com/vUUwuEu7Yt
— Laura Stevens (@Laura_Stevens1) April 23, 2015

LAPD officer-turned-preacher Tony Miano tweeted a wish for the people of Nepal that has enraged the Internet.

Tony Miano, pulpit bully.(via YouTube)

Tony Miano is a self-styled "open air preacher" based out of California. He has previously been accused of homophobia, but this is the first time he's offended the population of an entire country. On Saturday, he tweeted this message about the devastating earthquake in Nepal, which has already claimed more than 3,000 lives:

.@CNN Praying 4 the lost souls in Nepal. Praying not a single destroyed pagan temple will b rebuilt & the people will repent/receive Christ.
— Tony Miano (@TonyMiano) April 25, 2015

Now that's what I call a dick move. Taking advantage of a massive tragedy to proselytize a perverted version of your own religion is not just an insult to everyone in Nepal, it's also an insult to Christianity.

Honestly, I feel conflicted about sharing this article. Giving this guy any attention, positive or negative, is what he wants. Still, it felt too egregious not to address. I would just ask everyone reading this not to tweet at him (even though he will respond) or show him that anyone is paying attention to his bullshit.

And don't wish that his church would be destroyed too. There's no point; he doesn't have one.

Justin Bieber crashed the Chatsworth Charter School's senior prom this weekend.

Yup, that was me. I did that. (via Getty Images)

"OMG! Justin Bieber crashed a prom this weekend and made so many dreams come true!" is a thing that I assume none of the prom dates of the Chatsworth Bieber fans are saying. Because how much would it suck to go through all of the song and (literal) dance to take someone you really like to prom, only to have them gush the rest of the night about how they can hardly Belieb what happened? Plus, there was a lot screaming. Like, a LOT of screaming:

I DANCED WITH @justinbieber AT MY PROM pic.twitter.com/Rhxk4vApBX
— ♔Princess Potato™ ♔ (@ashleeyybrooke) April 26, 2015

According to Hollywood Life, Bieber was going to a recording studio "located at the same place as the prom," which is why he ended up at the Southern California high school's night to remember. After it happened, Bieber tweeted to the Chatsworth senior prom Twitter account: "always wanted to go to prom. Thanks for having me. #promcrasher :)." Does he realize that when most people go to prom, they don't do it by walking a straight line through the crowd surrounded by an entourage? Then again, I've actually never been to a prom either, so if that is what happens at most proms, I apologize for my mistake.

Yup @justinbieber at Chatsworths PROM pic.twitter.com/rSSviKGZJm
— LORD DISICK (@Biggieee03) April 26, 2015

Also, how long is it going to take until Bieber stars in some direct-to-video prom-crasher movie? Someone has to already be halfway through writing that soulless script, right?

THANK YOU @justinbieber FOR THE BEST PROM pic.twitter.com/FyUXQlrR60
— steph (@stephh_arthur) April 26, 2015

A British market research company called SwiftKey looked at over a billion (!) pieces of individual emoji data and drew up a report on which emoji are most popular in different countries and among speakers of different languages.

The universal language. (Via NPR/Unicode/Apple)

A representative from SwiftKey talked about the study today on NPR's Morning Edition. Among the findings:

• In the United States, we like the pizza emoji and the fried chicken drumstick emoji, because we're Americans. (The gun is also very popular.)

• Money and sports emoji are most popular in the land of Loonies and hockey, but Canadians are also the most frequent users of the happy lil' poop emoji.

• Emoji referring to drugs and booze win out in Australia.

• The French use heart emojis four times more than everybody else because of course they do.

• In Brazil, the most popular are cats and religious-themed icons.

• Spanish-speaking Americans are the most likely to use the sad face and crying emoji…as well as monkeys.

• The rose emoji is used by those who speak Arabic at a rate of 10 times of those who speak (or text) in other languages.

• The most used emoji overall are happy faces, which account for 44.8 percent of all emoji.

• Least used: ones that refer to books.

Listen to the whole Morning Edition segment here:

Few people could look as good as these guys do while lip syncing to a screaming goat.

There are also few people who could look as good as these guys do when they hold doughnuts in front of their faces. (via sophiavergara on Instagram)

Reese Witherspoon and Sophia Vergara have been promoting their new film, Hot Pursuit, and everything they've posted on Instagram makes it seem like they're having The Most Fun together. (Or, if you want to be cynical, you can assume that they're only acting like they're having fun together in order to help sell movie tickets. If that's the way you want to go, enjoy your cranky life, bro.)

One of the best things Reese and Sophia have been doing is using Dubsmash to make videos of themselves lip syncing to popular YouTube mashups. Like Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble," but the version with the screaming goat:

Lunch brake
A video posted by Sofia Vergara (@sofiavergara) on Apr 26, 2015 at 1:22pm PDT

And this version of Miley's "Party in the USA," posted on Reese's Instagram:

Party in the USA with @sofiavergara

A video posted by Reese Witherspoon (@reesewitherspoon) on Apr 26, 2015 at 1:22pm PDT

My fingers are crossed for the next mashup to be The Heat mixed with Midnight Run. Wait, they've already done that.

This woman started crying the first time she saw her new puppy.

Like a bride on her wedding day, but replace "bride" with "woman" and "wedding" with "dog-meeting." (via Vahid Khorsandian on YouTube)

The last time I was overcome with emotion and started crying, it was because I hated my job. (Don't worry, guys, it wasn't this job. Really. Guys?) A much better reason to start crying is because you're seeing your adorable, soft-furred puppy for the first time. Watch, and be prepared to call 911, because your heart is going to melt, and I'm pretty sure you can't survive with a liquid heart.

OOoooooklahOHCRAP.

CHECK IT OUT I CAN OPEN THIS COKE WITH MY TEETH!
(via redditor teamhugecawk)

This bridge is in Enid, Oklahoma. I know, because the redditor who posted the above photo (going by the oh-so-delicate name of teamhugecawk) wrote, "My hometown bridge claimed another one." Suspicious, I confirmed that it was raining in Enid, OK today. Upon even further inspection (I do some hard-journalism Googling here), I found independent verification that this did, in fact, happen today. Best of all, apparently no one was hurt:

Now that the facts have been established, let's talk about how awesome that bridge is and how proud whoever painted that should feel today. Unlike that driver.

An 18-year-old Aldi employee walked a 96-year-old man home from the store, and a photograph of the two has gone viral.

Not only is this heartwarming, it could also be the world's best buddy cop movie.
(via Samantha Jayne-Brady on Facebook)

When Christian Trouesdale offered to walk an elderly man home from the Aldi supermarket where he works in Horwich, UK, he didn't expect that his picture would end up shared across the world (which is good, because if he did think that, it'd be kinda weird). Rather, as the 18-year-old Trouesdale told The Bolton News,"[it was just] something I would normally do, my parents have raised me to treat other people like you want to be treated yourself."

This picture was actually taken on Trouesdale's second trip with the man; the first trip was a week before, when the man came in to shop but "was worried about making the journey home in strong winds." Trouesdale asked his manager for permission to walk the man home, and his manager said it was the right thing to do. A week later, the man came back and asked Trouesdale if he'd mind doing it again.

The picture was taken and uploaded to Facebook by Samantha-Jayne Brady, who works in Jon's Fish Bar across from the Aldi. She told The Bolton News that she wanted to share the story because "There are so many negative stories about young people, but the positive ones just aren't seen on a large scale."

In this video, a man is kicked out of a kindergarten concert for protesting a woman speaking Spanish.

In what may be the most misguided protest in a country full of controversial protesting, this guy, who may or may not be someone's dad, got up and started yelling, "English Only! USA!" during a kindergarten concert. The concert was being announced in Spanish because it's a bilingual town and as many of those children were Spanish speakers as English.

What kind of racist a-hole do you have to be, to become so enraged by the very sound of someone speaking in another language that you would ruin an afternoon of adorable kids singing? Everyone in the audience is shocked and horrified, but mostly they're confused since it's just so, so bizarre.

The video ends with applause for the announcer who graciously keeps going with the program as planned after the weirdo hater is removed. En español.

Print these out and tape them to your unsuspecting child.

\

A hungry fox eats a few treats then carefully arranges the rest into a sandwich.

All I can glean from the insane word jumble that results when you apply Google translate to YouTube comments, is that a bunch of journalists were visiting Chernobyl when they encountered this hungry fox. Naturally, they started throwing white bread and cold cuts at it.

The fox chose its favorite morsels, then probably remembered the hungry brood at home. Like a good caretaker, the fox made a tasty multi layered sandwich and trotted off. Really great stacking technique, especially considering the limited ingredients at its disposal. Bread, meat slices and a few leaves can make a meal if you know what you're doing.

News cameras caught the woman physically restraining a man dressed in black.

Here's a better video of the Baltimore mom really going at her rioting son #TightSlap#BaltimoreRiotspic.twitter.com/KJqGpizErP@GargiRawat
— Gargi Rawat (@GargiRawat) April 28, 2015

There's a lot of horrible news coming out of Baltimore right now. Watching the news, it looks like the whole city's gone crazy. But no matter how out of control things get, there's always one special group of people who can bring everything crashing back to reality: moms. That's why everyone loves this clip of a Baltimore mom slapping the hell out of her son to keep him from rioting.

A video posted by Karla H. (@ine3) on Apr 27, 2015 at 2:07pm PDT

Here's a version with live commentary:

A video posted by Keezy (@yaasss_keez) on Apr 27, 2015 at 12:38pm PDT

Shortly after people began sharing this, the Baltimore PD released this tweet:

Several juveniles are part of these aggressive groups. WE ARE ASKING ALL PARENTS TO LOCATE THEIR CHILDREN AND BRING THEM HOME.
— Baltimore Police (@BaltimorePolice) April 27, 2015

Police Commissioner Anthony Batts even addressed it in a press conference:

“These are Baltimore youthful residents, a number of them came right out of the local high schools there on the other side of Mondawmin and started engaging in this. And if you saw in one scene, you had one a mother who grabbed their child who had a hood on his head and she started smacking him on the head because she was so embarrassed. I wish I had more parents who took charge of their kids tonight."

Regardless of how you feel about the rioters or the police in this situation, I think we can all agree that the situation would benefit from everyone listening to their moms. They always know best.

1. As a secret agent.

#TSA reunited this Chihuahua with its owner after officers found the pup inside this checked suitcase at #LGA. pic.twitter.com/iM28mTn65c

— TSAmedia_LisaF (@TSAmedia_LisaF) March 6, 2015

Dogs. They're loyal, they're trainable, they're friendly. Why aren't we giving them more to do?! Yeah, I know all about bomb-sniffing dogs, seeing-eye dogs, therapy dogs and St. Bernards with their neck-kegs full of brandy, or whatever. These are ideas for how to use your dog EVERY DAY, not just when we need heroics.

2. As a housesitter.

3. As a dog-walker.

Why should you have to get fresh air and exercise, too?(via Reddit)

4. As a way to feel better about not meeting personal goals.

5. As a ticket to the carpool lane.

Don't ask questions. Just drive.(via Reddit)

6. As a pool party starter.

7. As your moral compass alarm (NEVER lock a dog in a parked car).

8. As a butler.

"And your name, sir?" (via anthonyguajardoodoo)

9. As a babysitter.

10. As a quick pick-me-up.

11. As a personal pizza delivery service.

30 minutes or less or else it's probably eaten by a dog.(via Fat Dog Blog)

12. As a sled.

13. As a cat.

Imagine getting a speeding ticket with a $58,000 fine attached.

That's what 61-year-old Finnish businessman Reima Kuisla is facing after he was recently pulled over near Helsinki, where fines are calculated by income. To make matters worse, he was only doing 64 in a 50 mph zone—breaking the speed limit, yeah, but hardly reenacting a scene from Furious 7.

See, the way Finland looks at it, a fine only serves as a deterrent if paying the fine, you know, hurts. So it has a calculation that takes into account someone's income and expenses and then spits out an amount that will presumably make the person think twice about speeding again. For Mr. Kuisla, whose 2013 income was $7 million, his fine turned out to be more than the average American household income.

Yay, rich people!

The dude is, as you can imagine, pretty pissed off about all this, and he took a break from posting photos of all the hotels and racehorses he owns to loudly bitch about it on Facebook (it's not in English, but ALL CAPS is the universal language of rage, so you'll get the point just fine).

And while you might think $58k is some sort of Finnish record for a speeding fine, it is not. Back in 2002, a Nokia executive with an annual income of $12.5 million was dinged in excess of $100,000 for some hijinks involving a Harley (I'm guessing it took flight or something).

Hell, that 58 grand isn't even the biggest speeding fine Mr. Kuisla himself has gotten. Just two years ago, he was caught going 76 in a 50 mph zone and ordered to pay almost $84,000. He wound up shelling out far less after an appeal, but still.

Lighten up on the gas pedal, bro.

(images via Thinkstock)