“We can count on Fox News to terrify old white people with some nonsense."

You want to know what's wrong with journalism in the U.S. today? Take a look at this video and pay special attention to the crowd. These White House Correspondents' Dinner guests are thirty feet away from some world class sketch comedy, and—with the exception of about seven people—everyone is sitting there with perturbed white people faces, like the open bar is serving merlot instead of pinot noir. "Harrumph. I unsheathed the good Lexus for this?"

Ugh! These are the people we're trusting to tell us what is and is not important in the world today? We're more screwed than I thought.

Anyway, Obama's full speech is actually worth watching. I don't know who's writing his bits these days, but they are on point. You can watch the whole thing below. Luther comes in at around the 14:30 mark:

This baby laughing at a dandelion will make the world a better place.

Tom Fletcher, the frontman for the British band McFly, took his son Buzz for a sunny spring stroll and showed him what happens when you blow on a dandelion. Buzz explodes into a fit of giggles, showing off (approximately) three baby teeth through his adorable smile. Fletcher sees Buzz's reaction and can't stop laughing. And as I watch their reactions, I also can't stop laughing! (I'm still chuckling while I write this.)

Fletcher finds more dandelions, and Buzz does not disappoint. He continues to deliver perfect, honest reactions to nature's silliness. Here is the best moment of the video, where Buzz showcases his cutest, most infectious giggle:

What a laugh! The happy father wrote, "This is why being a Dad is awesome." Agreed, this video totally makes me want to be a dad one day.

If you need another dose of adorable tiny humans, watch these babies react to the new Star Wars trailer.

Stephen Hawking took the stage at the Sydney Opera House via hologram like the badass theoretical physicist he is.

Star Trek meets Stephen Hawking. (via Twitter)

Since Stephen Hawking is probably from the future (pure conjecture), it makes sense that he appeared via hologram to deliver a lecture at the Sydney Opera House on Saturday. IRL, Hawking was in his office at Cambridge University, but his lifelike 3D image was projected on stage in Sydney.

Hawking, an esteemed theoretical physicist, cosmologist, author and recording artist, was joined onstage by his daughter Lucy Hawking, who was physically in Syndey, to give his speech.

It appears Hawking knows how to reach a broader audience, since he weighed in on an important piece of youth culture: One Direction.

"Somewhere outside of our own universe lies another different universe. And in that universe, Zayn is still in One Direction." #HawkingSOH
— IdeasAtTheHouse (@IdeasattheHouse) April 25, 2015

If only we lived in the alternate universe of which he spoke! Alas, we do not.

To the delight of nerds everywhere, this is how Hawking closed out the night: "I will end on a quote by one my favorite science thinkers, the late, great Spock. Live long and prosper."

Then, he made a Star Trek exit by saying "Beam me up, Scotty," AND THEY BEAMED HIM UP, SCOTTY.

Security camera footage caught Dennis Norman dragging an ice cream cooler out of a gas station.

There are always risks to sleeping on the job. For one gas station attendant in Oakland Park, FL, those risks include drunk douchebags stealing a cooler full of ice cream. Police identified the man in this video as Dennis Norman. He seems to not care about hiding his face as he notices the clerk sleeping, spits all over the floor, flips off the security camera, wipes his face on his t-shirt, and drags a $2,500 cooler full of ice cream out the door. Police later arrested Norman on grand theft charges, but he's since been released on $1,000 bond. Maybe he paid for it by selling the cooler? There's no way to know. Details on this story are sketchy – about as sketchy as Dennis Norman.

1. Decision

It's late. It's raining. It's cold. It's been a long day. There's a Shark Tank marathon on. Your foot feels weird. You're waiting for an important email about a sweepstakes for a jetski and don't trust the wifi outside your apartment. You're afraid of people in public judging the mini-dreadlocks that have formed in your hair from not brushing it often enough. You don't have cash on you. Whatever the reason, you've made the decision to order Seamless and stay inside. You did it!

2. Excitement

You've barely clicked “place order" before that friendly confirmation email appears in your inbox. It's all really happening! You're happy that you went with the Thai place instead of Chinese, not so much because the food is better, but more just because their delivery guys don't have that judgmental look when you open the door. The look that says: “This is enough food for at least a medium-sized book club, but the fact that you're wearing a towel instead of pants makes me think you're alone and it's all for you, cow." Nope, this guy is just going to hand you that heavy bag of noodles and be on his way.

3. Doubt

Hmm, it's been 20 minutes, and the confirmation email said to allow 20-35 for delivery. That's really the shortest realistic amount of time it could take, but shouldn't it take less than that? You start to rationalize that your food should be here by now—after all, the delivery guy only has to travel three blocks to bring it to you. You think, “Maybe they have my old address?" and “How am I supposed to reheat the now obviously cold spring rolls when my oven is a storage unit for my winter coats?"

4. Terror

You've moved on from simply questioning when your food is coming to assuming it will never reach you. It's time to kick into survivalist mode. Obviously what happened is right after the restaurant got your order, Beyonce and Jay-Z showed up and the whole place was shut down for them, thus preventing your pad see ew and three—err—one order of spring rolls from ever leaving the kitchen. Thai Garden has long forgotten about you in order to serve Queen Bey, since you two of course have the same tastes. This always happens. Now you'll have to somehow survive off of just the things in your kitchen that you didn't feel like eating, or even—gasp—GO OUTSIDE.

5. Relief

While deep in the recesses of your fridge, sniffing the cold and damp containers of past Seamless orders, you hear a familiar sound. Is that the mating call of some kind of urban moose? Maybe it's your neighbor getting murdered?

But no, you realize that it's your buzzer, and someone is at your apartment trying to get in (hopefully not that pesky murderer). It's your food! It's finally arrived. No longer will you be forced to sustain yourself on loose mints from your purse or questionable old deliveries or the countless things in your pantry you just don't feel like eating. Thai is here! You greet the delivery guy with a sigh of relief that he's all-too-familiar with at this point, grab the heavy plastic bag housing a paper bag full of plastic containers, and shut the door in victory. You slide down it to the floor while weeping tears of joy. Toss the four extra sets of plastic silverware for your assumed guests aside and dig into what feels like your first meal in years.

You've earned it.

The anonymous "road artist" has been drawing penises around potholes in Greater Manchester, UK, as a way of calling attention to them.

Banksy can keep his fancy stencils, his worldwide fame, and his high-minded causes – it's Wanksy who's captured out hearts. The anonymous artist, based in the Greater Manchester area of northern England, has become known for the large penises he draws on public roadways. But he's not doing it for the reason you expect (the road got drunk and passed out) – he's on a mission. He told the Manchester Evening News:

“The roads of Manchester are in an appalling state, especially around Bury. I have cyclist friends who have been hospitalised. They damage vehicles. Sometimes it's hard to know which pothole caused the damage because there are so many. When I've finished in Ramsbottom, I'll move on to the rest of Manchester."

Haha, "Ramsbottom." The artist actually found that potholes get filled in faster after he dickifies them. I guess officials in Manchester consider public penises a more serious problem than dangerously degraded roadways. They don't want kids to have their minds sullied by cartoon dongs while they're flying off their bikes and into traffic. Spurred on by his early success, Wanksy has been on a whirlwind tour of Greater Manchester's worst potholes. What's more, he photographs them all for his Facebook page.

Wanksy makes a point of using washable spray paint that will disappear on its own within a week or two. Still, local officials are none too pleased. A Bury council spokesman told the Evening News:

“The actions of this individual are not only stupid but incredibly insulting to local residents. Has this person, for just one second, considered how families with young children must feel when they are confronted with these obscene symbols as they walk to school? Not only is this vandalism, but it's also counter-productive. Every penny that we have to spend cleaning off this graffiti is a penny less that we have to spend on actually repairing the potholes!"

I don't know how concerned Wanksy is with the money they spend on cleaning his temporary artwork, considering that his method gets results. Years-old potholes have been fixed within 48 hours of him tagging them. He likes to document these successes too:

It looks like Wanksy's work is yielding results. The road ahead may be long and hard, but as long as he keeps thrusting ahead, he'll get the satisfaction his city needs. And when he sees the hot liquid asphalt spurting all over the street, he knows it's worth it.

A woman discovered a two-way mirror in the women's room at a bar and the creepy owner says he's keeping it there.

Have you even been afraid someone might bust in while you're in a public restroom? Or worse, are you paranoid you're being watched? Sadly, you're in luck, because this nightmare has come true.

Comedian Tamale Rocks figured out that the large mirror in the women's room at Cigars and Stripes, a bar outside Chicago, is actually a two-way mirror (shudder), and filmed her findings in this video. I can already see SVU working it into an episode.

Jezebel conducted a phone interview the owner of Cigars and Stripes, Ronnie Lottz, and I suggest you read the transcript. He lives up to the awfulness of a man who keeps a two-way mirror in a women's restroom.

Why does this horror exist? According to Lottz, it's part of a haunted house attraction, and he takes Halloween very seriously. In fact, he said, "I will burn this f***ing place to the ground before I get rid of that mirror. Do you know how much joy that mirror has brought to us?" I'm not sure if he means the joy of scaring people on Halloween, or the joy of watching women pee. Either way, this guy is the worst.

Lottz wants the video to go viral as a way of free promotion for his bar, but he is clearly missing the point. Tamale Rocks posted the video because the existence of such a mirror is unacceptable, as she explains in the description on YouTube. Rocks writes, "There was no one in there at the time of discovery- thankfully. And there could have been. And maybe there has been. And maybe they were watching, or maybe more. Maybe there have been videos. Videos that women have no idea they are in and now are floating around without their knowledge... or consent."

Oh also, guess what? There is not a two-way mirror in the men's room.

Here is the email address of Ronnie Lottz's, the owner of this nightmare factory of a bar: cigarsandstripes@gmail.com.

At least she still got $1.85.

Warning: Miss Kitty's diamond is a a drawing and you cannot win it. (via Marchin Wichary)

87-year-old Pauline McKee was enjoying herself at a 2011 family reunion at the Isle Hotel Casino in Waterloo, Iowa, when her Miss Kitty slot machine gave her a staggering payout of $41.8 million. Instead of taking that money to the roulette table to try and double it, like any responsible gambler would have, McKee and her daughter foolishly tried to cash out.

Casinos, however, are not in the habit of honoring $41.8 million slot receipts without a fight. Specifically, a fight over the fact that there is no way in heck Miss Kitty even had millions of dollars to give out. The casino's case rested on two pretty strong arguments: 1.) There's a sign reading "MALFUNCTION VOIDS ALL PAYS AND PLAYS" on the machine, and 2.) The machine's maximum payout (printed in the user agreement) was $10,000. It would seem, then, that anything over ten grand would bring the malfunction clause into effect.

Or as the Iowa Supreme Court put it, "McKee did not read the rules of the game or look at the paytable before playing the Miss Kitty game." That's legalese for "Seriously? You thought a slot machine in Iowa paid out $42 million?"

Take those winnings back to the machine and try again...once.

They did, however, confirm that she won that individual lever pull on the game...but determined that the payout was worth $1.85. Keep in mind that even 25¢ slots let you (and encourage you to) place multiple bets on a single lever pull, so that might be less than her single turn cost.

Look, I enjoy losing money on a slot machine every once and a while. I just try to remember that I'm paying small amounts of money to a box to make loud noises and flash bright lights in my face for 30 seconds at a time. It's a dumb service, but I'm willing to buy it because I'm dumb. Just not dumb enough to forget I'm paying a box to whistle.

In any case, the game's manufacturer, Aristocrat Technologies, says they had alerted casinos to the possible glitch and provided a fix, which the casino did not implement. Not that it matters, because the Iowa Supreme Court has now made it safe for casinos everywhere to give credulous grandmothers heart attacks from excitement before breaking what remains of their hearts with disappointment.

An anonymous stranger saved Derek Murray's day, and inspired the Internet with their kindness.

Derek Murray, world's luckiest man(via Facebook)

Every once in a while, a story comes along to reaffirm your faith in humanity. Then, almost immediately, another story destroys your faith in humanity again. But until that happens, enjoy that sweet, sweet faith. This is one of the good ones.

Derek Murray is a student from Edmonton, in Alberta, Canada. Like so many of us have done, he parked his car during the day and forgot to turn his lights off. On any other day, he would have come back to find his car dead and would've had to wait around for someone to come and jump start it. But on this day, he had the good fortune to cross paths with one of the goodest of good samaritans. He got back to his car to find this note on it:

That's pretty unbelievably nice.(via Facebook)

The cord and charger were where the note's writer said they were. Murray successfully started his car and went about his day, but was so impressed by the gesture, he took this photo.

After Murray posted the image to his Facebook page, it went viral. It was even shared by Edmonton Mayor Don Iveson. The generous stranger was offered two tickets to a hockey game, and Murray himself has become something of a local celebrity, although as he points out himself:

"I don't have to be humble because I didn't do a damn thing."

That's not exactly true. He did do something: he had the good sense to live in Canada. It's basically the Land of Kindness.

1. Lady Who Will Probably Wake Up In A Shallow Grave Handed The Clintons Another Scandal

Clinton Foundation Chief Executive Officer Maura Pally admitted yesterday that the charity made mistakes concerning the way it listed government donors on its 2014 tax returns and will be refiling to amend the error. What cannot be amended however is the fact that this opened the door for Hillary Clinton's second scandal of the 2016 election cycle. Expect 30 or 40 more before Christmas.

LO- " The secret Scandal Of H Clinton that only Huma knows About!" pic.twitter.com/3BzQkcp9dZ

— Southernkimmy (@southernkimmy) April 18, 2015

2. Chipotle Will No Longer Serve Food Made From Genetically Mutated Monster-Beasts

Chipotle has just become the first major restaurant chain to discontinue the use of GMOs (genetically modified organisms) in its products. This is kind of a bummer, actually. I was a big fan of their Pegasus carnitas.

you don't go to chipotle for Mexican food. you go to chipotle for chipotle.

— Sarena Macias (@sarenaidelle) April 26, 2015

3. Apple Denying Smart Watch Owners Their God-Given Rights To Fart Apps

Apple is rejecting the inclusion of an app called Fart Watch in the iTunes store for its new Apple Watch. The very important app—which connects your iPhone and smart watch to create a sort of high-tech whoopee cushion—was rejected because, according to Apple, it "is primarily a fart app" and "we do not accept fart apps on Apple Watch." See, I knew there was a reason to hold off on buying the Apple Watch.

If I can't run a fart app on my $400 watch, what is the point of living? https://t.co/noGUsVupDz

— Mathew Ingram (@mathewi) April 27, 2015

4. Jay-Z Has A Lot Of Good Explanations For Why His Terrible Music Service Is So Great

Hip-hop mogul Jay-Z explained during a series of tweets last night that his unpopular and critically panned music streaming service Tidal is actually quite popular and very good. If you've heard otherwise, that's only because, according to the rapper, “There are many big companies that are spending millions on a smear campaign." Jay-Z is probably cursing himself for getting in bed with the Illuminati now.

Jay-Z: "Given time, people will come around to Tidal's revolutionary model of only streaming Sting's 'Field's Of Gold.'"

— Patrick Cassels (@patrick_cassels) April 26, 2015

5. Today's Babies Falling Out Of The Womb With Smart Phones In Their Hands (Practically)

New research shows that many babies today are watching television, interacting with smart phones and using other electronic devices before they are even able to crawl. More than half of the babies studied had watched TV before the age of one and one-third had manipulated a touch screen. If one of these infants is reading this, please get in contact with me. I need some help getting my photos off my iPhone.

Yes, your toddler IS great with that iPad. Oh look, here's some candy on a high shelf. Can't reach? Use your iPad, baby. No? Mmm it's good.

— Peter Waldron (@pjwaldron) June 4, 2012

Easily the worst thing that's happened in Galveston, Texas in recent memory.

Toeing the fine line between genius and insanity.
(screengrab via Click2Houston)

Some look at things as they are and ask why, others dream of things that never were and ask why not?

Texas A&M professor Irwin Horwitz asked "why not?" this week when he officially failed every single student taking his class. He claims he did so because of several instances of cheating and also because he was told to "chill out." I know which I think is a more egregious offense.

His students were likely thinking the way all students have thought since school was invented by Socrates: we can't all flunk or else it means the professor is bad at teaching. They were wrong. You can fail an entire class any time you want. Irwin also resigned from teaching the course itself, so not only would students not get credit, but he gave himself a vacation too! One that is likely to go longer than he'd hoped.

This hopefully will prepare students for the real world where if everyone fails together, your company goes under, and everyone is out of a job regardless of how fair that is. The world's unfair. The earlier you learn that the better.

To see the man in action and to see the students and other faculty respond, check out this report from Click2Houston:

Collin Burns broke the world record by solving a Rubik's Cube in 5.25 seconds.

Usually teenagers scare me, but these nerds seem ok. (via YouTube)

I always thought the Rubik's Cube was an impossible puzzle that could only be solved by either picking off the stickers or burying it in a closet where it couldn't taunt me. Not only are these magic cubes solvable, but people solve them fast. Like really, really, fast.

Collin Burns broke the record during a Rubik's Cube competition on Saturday at Central Bucks West High School in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. His time will be acknowledged by the World Cube Association, replacing the previous record held by Mats Valk from the Netherlands, whose time was a leisurely 5.5 seconds.

Here are some things an average person can do in 5.25 seconds:
1. Eat seven Cheetos.
2. Burp the first five letters of the Alphabet.
3. Peel the perfect string off a string-cheese.
4. Decide it's better not to reevaluate what you've accomplished in life.
5.25. Watch this guy solve a Rubik's Cube.

Please enjoy the footage of this mind-blowing event below.Whoever is screaming uncontrollably in this video is expressing exactly how we should all feel about the level of skill that was just displayed.

If this doesn't inspire you to solve a Rubik's Cube, perhaps you'll try to do something else at record speed, like decide what to get for lunch today.

"Happy Mother's Day! Here's 25 cents on the dollar."

Seeing this limited edition "Premium" Starbucks gift card almost makes me incredibly angry. The idea that Starbucks thinks we're so stupid that we would buy $50 worth of Frappuccino at an insane 400% mark-up makes me want to throw my desk out the window... until I remember that we actually are that stupid. The very fact that they're selling this makes me think that they ran the numbers and figured out just how many imbeciles they can trick into handing a metal and ceramic (metal and ceramic?!) gift card to their mothers next month.

In a perverse way, Starbucks kind of has to sell a $50 gift certificate for $200. If they know that they can fleece an easy $147 (let's assume the card itself is worth $3 in materials—that's a generous assumption) from their dumber patrons, aren't they kind of obligated to do so? If people want to give you money for no good reason, it would be anti-capitalist to rebuke them.

The thing is, we're not used to seeing consumerism in such a pure form. We always buy products for waaaaay more than their actual value. (Go to any nerd convention and watch otherwise intelligent people trading hundreds of dollars for mass-produced pieces of plastic garbage.) Usually, it's just a little covert than this.

Anyway, if you want to buy your own beloved mother a Limited-Edition Mother's Day Premium Starbucks Card, act now while supplies last!

1.

Could be a typo, could be a fetish, could be reverse psychology.(via Complex)

The most nerve-wracking part of dating someone new is not knowing if they're any good in bed. Luckily, these kind people have broadcasted that they have know idea what they're doing in the bedroom. We hope you're not dating one of them.

2.

This is what happens when they split boys and girls up for sex-ed and then don't teach them sex-ed.(via reddit)

3.

Maybe she's an abominable snow woman.(via reddit)

4.

Sex-ed outsourced to the office supplies.(via reddit)

5.

Get a photo for National Geographic!(via lamebook)

6.

I'm having difficulty imagining anything else right now.(via reddit)

7.

"Hey! Listen!"(via lamebook)

8.

The "next right person."(via reddit)

9.

Sounds like a pre-existing condition.(via reddit)

10.

I get it.(via lamebook)

11.

"TURTLES LAY EGGS??"(via reddit)

12.

Every day is arm day.(via lamebook)

13.

No need for foreplay when they can only remember the last five minutes.(via reddit)

14.

If he keeps trying maybe she'll get it in the end.(via lamebook)

15.

This is why I don't high five my friends.(via reddit)

16.

Let's just hope they're using some other form of birth control.(via reddit)

After Bruce Jenner's '20/20' interview, Australian radio station KIIS started a nail-painting campaign to support him.

Nailed it. (via happi927, stevielawrie, and benwood01 on Instagram)

Revealing that you're transgender and living as your true self can be difficult. Especially when you're in the public spotlight. And extra-especially when people accuse you of being a "fame whore" or too old to make the transition, stating "I mean, he's kind of, like past his prime, right?" (Those super classy statements are from Wendy Williams and Dr. Phil, respectively.)

But despite these challenges, Bruce Jenner proudly told Diane Sawyer "I am a woman" in his much-hyped, tearful 20/20 interview that aired on Friday. Jenner also told Diane Sawyer that "I wish to be able to have my nail polish for long enough that it can chip off." After hearing that, Australian radio station KIIS started a movement asking people to paint their nails in support of Bruce and post a picture using the hashtag #PaintYourNailsForBruce. Men and women alike have jumped aboard.

Here are just a few of Bruce's supporters:

KIIS even sent someone out to paint men's nails for them:

A video posted by KIIS 1065 (@kiis1065) on Apr 26, 2015 at 2:37pm PDT

While the response has been largely awesome, not everybody's been in the completely supportive spirit, like this company that used the hash tag as an opportunity to sell a polish-remover product. Haven't companies figured out by now that they just shouldn't comment on current events?

Boys you can take your nail polish off with Gel Off #PaintYourNailsForBruce #geloff #elliona #nailpolishremover @kyleandjackieo @kiis1065 @imogen_anthony

A photo posted by elliona (@ellionaptyltd) on Apr 26, 2015 at 6:49pm PDT

Officer finds abandoned baby, abandoned baby grows up, finds officer and biological parents.

This photo is from 1989, a full decade after you could rock a mustache like that unless, of course, you just saved a baby.
(screengrab via ABC 7)

One day in 1989, officer Michael Buelna heard what sounded like a cat meowing behind a dumpster in Santa Ana, California.

When he investigated, he found a newborn baby (the umbilical cord still attached) crying underneath some garbage.

25 years later, officer Michael Buelna finally met Robin Barton, the baby Buelna saved. Robin's adoptive parents were also present at the emotional meeting, his father saying he was happy to look in Buelna's eyes and say: "Thank you for saving his life."

Robin Barton told ABC News he had forgiven his biological mother for abandoning him, saying: "I'm not angry or upset with her, and I forgive her because she was a young woman in a very compromising position."

As if that weren't enough to start sobbing right now, Robin Barton also met his biological father for the first time this week because of the above news story airing on ABC 7. Marcos Meza, Robin's real father, contacted police after seeing the story on TV, finally met his son, and probably has a lot to explain.

Robin Barton is now begging us all to start feeling many more emotions by saying he plans to visit his biological mother as well.

You can watch the entire story on ABC 7: