The Giants don't know what happened to predictability.

The San Francisco Giants made a promotional video for their upcoming Full Clubhouse night at AT&T Park. They did a fantastic and fun job recreating the Full House opening sequence. And how do you turn an ordinary Giants game into a Full House theme night? You give away snow globes! These aren't just any snow globes, they're special because they say "Full Clubhouse." Plus "various in-game entertainment pieces will be themed around this iconic television series." Since snow globes are lame, let's hope it means the night will be filled with guest appearances by stars from the show.

The best way that plays out is that John Stamos sings the National Anthem, Bob Saget throws the opening pitch, and Dave Coulier (Uncle Joey) sings during the seventh-inning stretch. The real dream would be if the Olsen twins parachuted down onto the field, which would be relatively simple because you can jump out of a plane without a parachute when you're that thin.

Here's hoping The Chicago White Sox do a Family Matters theme night with Urkel snow globes.

The struggle is real.

This puppy looks an awful lot like I do on the weekends. He's tired even though he has no excuse to be tired. He yawns even though he's slept in, he yawns even though he's hanging out with a good friend. He even yawns when someone else is making the plans and doing all the heavy lifting. 

Not even a ride in an elevator or car is spared from yawning. I bet he's the type that enjoys a good cup of coffee but could have several without it really affecting him. And since he's a puppy, we know he doesn't have kids, which angers all his friends that are parents when he complains about being tired and not having enough time for stuff.

His snake helps him with depression.

A Missouri man brought his snake in a restaurant and claimed it was a service animal, which is impossible since service animals can only be dogs. Also, your service animal should not be able to swallow other service animals whole, expanding their belly to accommodate the outlined shape of the dog it just ate.

He was surprised when the manager informed him he was not allowed to have it in the restaurant. It would be great to have seen his reaction when someone actually read the ADA guidelines explicitly stating that only dogs qualify as service animals. The winning question would be to ask him how he got his snake to wear that bright little vest telling people it's a service animal. Trick question, sir! Snakes can't wear vests.

Allowing snake owners to claim them as service animals would really begin a slippery slope of what helps with depression. He could try to eat in a restaurant that requires coat and tie wearing just a leather vest, or claim that his rusty old Corvette is allowed to park in spaces reserved for those with physical disabilities. 

He will report to jury duty on Monday.

Donald Trump was selected for jury duty and will report to the New York State Supreme Court in Manhattan on Monday. All this despite a busy weekend campaign schedule, which included giving kids helicopter rides at the Iowa State Fair. Which is a completely normal ride at the fair. In this case you win a prize for throwing stuff at immigrants from above. 

Coincidentally, Trump has yet to report for jury duty in New York because he claims the requests were mailed to improper addresses. But what do you know, he made it a point to show up when he's running for president. As for the case, it would be great if the defendant was female or Hispanic, just to see if the attorneys could keep a straight face while they screen him for bias.

Sharon Stone is still super comfortable taking all her clothes off.

 

"If I believed that sexy was trying to be who I was when I did #BasicInstinct, then we'd all be having a hard day today." — #SharonStone reveals all at 57 years old, for our September issue. Read the full interview on BAZAAR.com, or click the link in our bio. Photography by #MarkAbrahms, styling by #SamanthaTraina.

A photo posted by Harper's BAZAAR (@harpersbazaarus) on Aug 14, 2015 at 6:14am PDT

Actress Sharon Stone posed wearing only jewelry for the September issue of Harper's Bazaar. Although it's not out of the ordinary for her, she also had some empowering words to go along with her naked black & white photos. In the interview, Sharon told Harper's:

"I'm aware that my ass looks like a bag of flapjacks...But I'm not trying to be the best-looking broad in the world. At a certain point you start asking yourself, 'What really is sexy?' It's not just the elevation of your boobs. It's being present and having fun and liking yourself enough to like the person that's with you. If I believed that sexy was trying to be who I was when I did Basic Instinct, then we'd all be having a hard day today."​

The flapjack comment was in jest, since we can clearly see that her butt does not resemble anything flappy. Like, at all. Sharon also spoke about the life-threatening brain hemorrhage she recovered from that was caused by a stroke and required major arterial surgery. Her attitude about the trauma is snarky yet uplifting, she said, "It's like, I have brain damage; you'll just have to deal with it."

Sharon Stoke looks incredible and her decision to pose nude at 57 is a bold, inspiring move. Ladies over 40 have been crushing it lately. For more proof, please see Salma Hayek and Jennifer Lopez. Oof, I need to go to the gym.

It's just so beautifully Owen Wilson-ey.

Anyone who has seen Owen Wilson act knows he is amazing at playing himself. Never has this been more evident than in this brand-new supercut of Owen Wilson movies, showing him brilliantly delivering the same lines over and over again throughout his career. I have a feeling he probably writes a lot of his own dialogue, and is just saying the stuff he does in real life. This video sort of makes me want to hang out with Owen Wilson. I'd try tirelessly to get him to say "woah woah woah" and would be overwhelmed with joy if he said "crazier than a road lizard." And I'm not really even sure what a road lizard is.

A bar in London pumps booze directly into the air. And it is super creepy.

 

A photo posted by Alcoholic Architecture (@alcoholicarchitecture) on Jul 29, 2015 at 12:37pm PDT

Do you like feeling drunk, but hate the difficulty of lifting alcoholic beverages all the way to your mouth? Do you wish bars had more people walking around in hoods, surrounded by misty fog? Do you want to ensure you smell like booze at work tomorrow? Then this London bar is for you! It's called Alcoholic Architecture, and according to co-designer Sam Bompas, the alcohol is "ingested through the lungs and eyeballs." The alcoholic mist makes it hard to see, so bar goers wear hooded plastic ponchos so their clothing doesn't smell like somebody caught them cheating and then dumped a drink on them.

 

Step into the gin and tonic cloud this autumn at #alcoholicarchitecture @boroughmarket #breatheresponsibly

A photo posted by Alcoholic Architecture (@alcoholicarchitecture) on Jul 20, 2015 at 1:39am PDT

If you look at the photos, this place looks like it's part horror movie, part sex dungeon, and just one tiny little part actual bar. Oh, and in case you want to drink through your mouth in addition to your lungs and eyeballs, you can order traditional drinks, too.

 

#breatheresponsibly at @alcoholicarchitecture regram from @soniashahx

A photo posted by Bompas & Parr (@bompasandparr) on Aug 6, 2015 at 8:59am PDT

Are you thoroughly creeped out yet? No? Well, good news! There's a white python in the women's bathroom!

 

Hello there!!! #albinosnake #alcoholicarchitecture #ladies #toilet

A photo posted by Alcoholic Architecture (@alcoholicarchitecture) on Jul 29, 2015 at 12:48pm PDT

Ok, so this place actually sounds totally amazing and I really want to go there. If you live in London, definitely go check it out. I hope it doesn't give you nightmares!

The decision to get a tattoo of a penis on his leg was the wrong decision.

Father whose drunken penis leg tattoo cost him his wife is offered a lifeline http://t.co/PQNo8QCYKFpic.twitter.com/zBmgMWvD8j

— Daily Mirror (@DailyMirror) August 15, 2015

Stuart Valentino of Hampshire England got drunk with his friend and decided to get a tattoo of a six inch penis on his thigh. Just so you know who we're dealing with here, Stuart is a perpetual prankster who once made a video where he ate cat poop. It was fake, but his wife Samantha hated it. She also hated it when her husband, who is a father of four, came home with a penis tattooed on his leg.

It would cost  £1,000 to remove, and due to the image's obscene nature, he couldn't even take the kids to the pool without offending everyone, especially his wife. Sick of his childish ways, she decided the inked dong was the last straw, and Samantha kicked Stuart out of the house.

Stuart said, "I had no idea a joke could ruin my life," and also "I've been a dickhead." At least he's being honest with himself about what he is, which hopefully is the first step to getting his life back, and stop acting like a wanker.

The Fat Jew has been stealing jokes, and getting paid to do it, for years. Everyone in comedy knew it. This weekend, people finally noticed.

UPDATE 8/17/15: Since the publication of this article, the backlash against the Fat Jew has continued to swell on Twitter. More importantly, Ostrovsky has now lost his pilot development deal with Comedy Central, according to Splitsider, after comedians blasted the network for working with him. We will continue to update this if he speaks out or more corporate partners move away.

If you're a casual consumer of jokes online, you may be aware of a character by the name of @FATJEW (on Twitter) or TheFatJewish (on Instagram). He (real name Josh Ostrovsky) steals jokes. This is not an accusation. It is a statement of fact, like saying water is wet or diamonds are hard. He does not make jokes. No one ever says, "The Fat Jew steals a lot of jokes, but he does write some good ones, too." He only steals jokes. Like this one, which he got called out on:

This is from an article about Fat Jew and another joke-stealer Fuck Jerry, but we're not talking about him today, because honestly, fuck that guy. (via A.V. Club)

At his absolute best, Fat Jew reposts other people's content with attribution. (Something he only started doing regularly after criticism of him—like with the above post—went public.) Understand that when he does this, only a miniscule, possibly non-existent fraction of the people who see his post will remember the name in the photo, let alone visit the actual content creator's profile. He started adding the attributions only after previous rounds of being called out by comedians, as well as outlets like the A.V. Club, Street Carnage, Playboy, and the Washington Post.

Did you find the attribution yet? Notice how artfully the original writer's profile picture and Twitter handle have been cropped out of the actual image. That's pro. 
(via thefatjewish, but really via @midgetspar)

This would be less infuriating if he was not being paid thousands of dollars (and getting signed to CAA, getting a modeling contract, and signing a book deal) for each of the few actual original posts he makes. That's right, he occasionally does something himself, like this piece of genius:

 

In honor of my love for carbs, I had a custom @BurgerKing chicken fry belly ring made and then got my navel pierced so that I could wear it. SPRING BREAK!!!!! #burgerkingpaidmetodothis #chickenfries #springbreak2015

A photo posted by thefatjewish (@thefatjewish) on Mar 24, 2015 at 2:00pm PDT

Even though he's been slapped on the wrist once or twice (like that time he was briefly booted off Instagram until he chained himself outside their offices and literally annoyed his way back in), it's also brought him a lot of fame and attention.

When he's caught out, Fat Jew will respond with "sorry, it was on another site," or "sorry, my interns did it" because this guy is so busy not making his own jokes that he now has interns to do it for him (never does he say "I have informed my interns that this is a bad thing"). Most of all, he and his defenders refer to him (and his ilk) as an "aggregator" like the Huffington Post, which ignores the fact that even the Huffington Post has to credit its writers. Unrelated, but just as damning, he is also friends with Justin Bieber.

 

Justin Bieber (@justinbieber, EVER HEARD OF HIM) called me and asked me to make a video for his Instagram to promote his new song called "What do you mean?" so I got on the hood of a convertible soaking wet and writhed around like a hot chick in an '80's music video. Also, now that he posted it, my social media comments are filled with 14 year old Brazilian Beliebers saying weird things to me, WHICH IS ALL I'VE EVER WANTED

A photo posted by thefatjewish (@thefatjewish) on Aug 7, 2015 at 11:24am PDT

This weekend, however, comedian and Someecards contributor Maura Quint (@behindyourback) finally called him out in a way that gained traction.

She also created a spreadsheet with hundreds of Twitter accounts of comedians whom you'd be better off following than thefatjewish. Some, but not all, of these are also accounts that have been pilfered to drive Fat Jew's success. This is perhaps the only time I've ever heard of a Google Doc going viral. 

Since then, Patton Oswalt has joined the fray, Fat Jew's Wikipedia page has been edited to reflect his plagiarism troubles, and publications like The Hollywood Reporter have amended articles to include recent problems like his stealing of Davon Magwood's lion joke.

Even graphic novelist and sci-fi legend Neil Gaiman answered the call.

I just imagined The Fat Jew telling everyone on Battlestar Galactica he was a Cylon just to look cool. That's a nerd joke, and not worth aggregating. (via Starcasm)

Will this finally be the nail in Fat Jew's coffin, or will brands continue to flock to him so they can reach the hordes of undiscerning fans who don't care that they're eating rehashed jokes from struggling, unpaid writers? That part is up to YOU, dear reader! If you follow the Fat Jew, consider un-doing that and following all the great people on Maura's spreadsheet.

There are only two things this pair loves more than baseball: each other, and exploding on Twitter.

Carol and Warren Reckemeyer have been married for 63 years. But they both share a love even older than the one they have for each other – baseball. Carol has been a die-hard San Francisco Giants fan since they were the New York Giants, going back to when she was a little girl in the 30s. Warren, who is 92, has always rooted for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Despite their different team affiliations, the Reckemeyers have never let baseball come between them. In fact, it's a big part of their relationship, and they still go to games together regularly. And when the Giants play the Cards, they make it work. "We make a truce," Carol says.

The photo above, which has gone viral on Twitter in the last few days, was taken at a Cardinals-Giants game in St. Louis on Monday night. As you can see, the Reckemeyers wore these adorable jerseys that, when they walk together, spell out "together since 1952." Even though the jerseys are coordinated, Carol and Warren wouldn't give up their individual team colors – some things are sacred.

The only problem with these jerseys is that the two can't switch sides while they're walking together. If they did, it would say "since together 5219," which sounds like some weird time-traveler riddle. Then again, marriage is all about compromises. And so is being a sports fan.

Almost nobody showed up to this 5-year-old's birthday party, but her mom's Facebook post saved the day.

Lauren Sassmannshausen had a great 5th birthday party planned for her daughter Tallie. Then, sadly, no kids even showed up! So she posted on the Spring Hill, TN community Facebook wall asking if anyone wanted to come to her daughter's party.

And then a whole bunch of people showed up! I mean, who wouldn't want to go to this party? There was a bouncy water slide! I didn't even know that was a thing! Isn't is great when a Facebook post does something positive in someone's life? Lauren then wrote this, thanking everyone who came out:

"I Never in my life thought a community would pull together like they did today. I had several people RSVP and only a few came... Tallie was asking about every 10 minutes where her friends were, and my response was "they are coming, baby". time passed and none of her friends showed. So I asked the Springhill community if any of their kids wanted to come and celebrate with us!. NEVER in my life would I have though we would have so many people care about a child they didn't know. I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart and I want to express my gratitude to you all for coming out and making my baby girls birthday so very special. SO THANK YOU!!! GOD IS GREAT"

Here's the video of Tallie blowing out the candles on her birthday that was saved by her mom and her hometown:

This is a way better use of Facebook than political rants, baby pictures (throwback OR current), engagement sessions at a farm, and sweaty post-work-out photos. Good job, the Internet!

Before you click, are you sure you wouldn't rather seethe with angry suspicion forever?

Ever since hackers released the secret data of 36 millions users of Ashley Madison—the dating website for cheaters—millions of Americans have been wondering: "Is my husband or wife one of those people? And which is it: husband or wife? I need to know!"

Well now you can find out without googling "What is the dark web?" 

Trustify, an Internet investigation site that seems to cater to people who think their partners are cheating, has a simple tool (so do a bunch of other sites) where you can enter an email address to see if you or your partner (or your friend or your ex) was stupid enough to use their real email address and name on a cheating website. 

Here's how it works. First, you enter the email address you want to search:

Then, you either find out you weren't breached (or your hubby was never on the site) or you find out you were breached:

At which point you have the option to tweet that information ("I took the Ashley Madison Hack QUIZ and I got 'I'm a cheater!'") or hire Trustify to investigate further or weep softly while wishing you'd never clicked on this post. 

Psych! He's just a very burly choreographer who is also good at convincing us he plays football.

Oscar Hernandez is the choreographer for the NBA’s Detroit Pistons Dancers and he looks like he could pick you up and twist you into a pretzel. Watch this video and face your own biases. Just because a giant man dressed like a football player, during a football game, interrupts a bunch of football cheerleaders and joins their dance, doesn't mean he is a football player!!!

The more I think about it, the stranger it seems that I was fooled at all. I mean, he is an incredible dancer! Not just his moves, but his stage presence. He knows that routine better than the Rattlesnake dancers, and it's because he created it. Though it was delightful to believe Oscar Hernandez was an athlete with a second, incredible talent, being a good choreographer is probably enough. And a pretty smart self-promoter:

 

IT WENT VIRAL IN 1 DAY CRAZY THANKS FOR THE LOVE YALL#FOOTBALLDANCER#AZRATTLERS#OSCARHERNANDEZ#DANCE

A photo posted by Oscar Hernandez (@samoarico) on Aug 17, 2015 at 11:32am PDT

Welcome to day two of our new society.

A woman was told live on the radio that her husband has an Ashley Madison account, a scenario that will probably play out about 10,000 times in the coming weeks. According to Buzzfeed, Sydney radio hosts Fitzy and Wippa on Nova 969 invited listeners to call in if they suspected their partners of having affairs.

A woman named Jo told the hosts that her husband "went a bit funny" when they heard the news about the Ashley Madison hack. (The website, a service for married people who want to have affairs, was hacked and the information of users was released on the Internet. But let's be real, you already knew that.) Jo gave the hosts her husband's details, and they looked him up to see if he was a member of Ashley Madison. He was.

Jo was upset, obviously, and when she angrily hung up, the hosts basically had an existential breakdown. One said, "I don't know if we should have done that. It hasn't left me with a good feeling." I understand that, dude, but no one got you in this situation except yourself. No one made you broadcast people while surprising them with the info that a person they love betrayed them. If you're looking for more of a "good feeling," maybe you could do something else. Like have an ice cream cone or go for a walk.

A dark horse third-party candidate is polling very well in North Carolina because it's just fun to talk about him.

That's right, Deez Nuts is in the race and he's climbing the polls every day. Since Candidate Nuts first filed the paperwork to run in late July, his campaign has attracted viral attention. In North Carolina (the most immature state) he's now polling at 9%, tied with Marco Rubio and three points ahead of Carly Fiorina, Mike Huckabee, and Scott Walker. As for Chris Christie, Rick Santorum, and Bobby Jindal, they're all dwarfed by Deez Nuts's swinging shadow.

For a while, nobody knew exactly who Deez Nuts was. But The Daily Beast has identified him as 15-year-old Brady Olson, a rural Iowa farm boy. He was inspired to monkey around with the FEC filing system after he read the story of Limberbutt McCubbins, a Louisville cat running for president. Nuts, like McCubbins, isn't technically eligible to be president – a candidate has to be 35 years old to be elected. But that hasn't stopped their campaigns from gaining steam.

Would you vote for Deez Nuts if given the chance? Or would you rather vote for Limberbutt McCubbins? Or are you just going to throw your vote away on a joke candidate like Donald Trump?

They took the red eye...TO DOOM!!!

Jack Perkins wanted to send his wife a weather update when he was at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, so he took a video of what was going on outside. Little did he know, he'd capture this gem:

Here's a still of the exact moment of the strike:

#NationalAviationDay PHOTO OF THE DAY from #ATL@airlineguys@airlineguys@AirlineGeeks@vargasmoni@apoure25#avgeekpic.twitter.com/PFYphKsl1H

— Eric (@GoldboxATL) August 20, 2015

God pretty much came down from the heavens and was like "I PUNISH THEE DELTA 737, FOR ALL THE SINS THAT DELTA HAS EVER COMMITTED. AND BY SINS I MEAN DELAYS." Luckily, everyone on the plane was fine, but regardless, I'm never flying again. 

Footlong: it has a double meaning, get it? Like, a footlong SANDWICH or a footlong PENIS? Oh, you got it? OK.

New York Post headlines are the most satisfying headlines to ridicule (and obviously, they know that). Jared Fogle, the former Subway spokesman who plead guilty yesterday to child pornography charges, is also an easy target for ridicule. The Post headline above went for the low-hanging fruit just like Jared did. Yes, child pornography is a far worse crime than a headline with a rape joke, but I thought hacky rape jokes were a thing of the past. Get with the times, Post. 

The headline manages to perpetuate rape culture while ridiculing a man accused of perpetuating child sex crimes and statutory rape. It's like the Inception of awful rape jokes.

Here are a few alternate options to this headline:

FROM FOOTLONG TO LONG FACE
SUBWAY'S JARED TO TRY OUT A NEW PRISON DIET
WE ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE CREEPY, JARED

At least when The Fat Jew puts this headline on his Instagram everyone will know where it came from.