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Miley Cyrus swooped in last second to restart that old Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift Twitter feud.

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To Recap: a million years ago (last month) Nicki Minaj took to Twitter to complain about how many white women were getting repped in the Video Music Award nominations:

https://twitter.com/NICKIMINAJ/status/623571674076614656?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Taylor Swift decided to take this personally, and ran in all loud and wrong:

https://twitter.com/taylorswift13/status/623616796277506048?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

To which Nicki Minaj replied, "Dafuq?":

https://twitter.com/NICKIMINAJ/status/623618047673106433?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Then Katy Perry jumped in with this barely comprehensible tweet:

https://twitter.com/katyperry/status/623965129290289152?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Eventually Taylor apologized:

https://twitter.com/taylorswift13/status/624240681750536192?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

And Nicki was like, no prob:

https://twitter.com/NICKIMINAJ/status/624254256246321153?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Phew! We all caught up now? Great. It's now a month later and Miley Cyrus was getting interviewed by The New York Times about her upcoming gig hosting the VMAs. Either the paper or Miley Cyrus is a real sh*t stirrer, because the whole issue came up again, and Miley Cyrus had a lot of advice for how a black woman should express her anger when she thinks she's facing racist double standards:

“I didn’t follow it. You know what I always say? Not that this is jealousy, but jealousy does the opposite of what you want it to — that’s a yoga mantra. People forget that the choices that they make and how they treat people in life affect you in a really big way. If you do things with an open heart and you come at things with love, you would be heard and I would respect your statement. But I don’t respect your statement because of the anger that came with it. And it’s not anger like, ‘Guys, I’m frustrated about some things that are a bigger issue.’ You made it about you. Not to sound like a bitch, but that’s like, ‘Eh, I didn’t get my V.M.A.’”

 “If you want to make it about race, there’s a way you could do that. But don’t make it just about yourself. Say: ‘This is the reason why I think it’s important to be nominated. There’s girls everywhere with this body type.’” 

“I think there’s a way you speak to people with openness and love. You don’t have to start this pop star against pop star war. It became Nicki Minaj and Taylor in a fight, so now the story isn’t even on what you wanted it to be about. Now you’ve just given E! News ‘Catfight! Taylor and Nicki Go at It.’ I know you can make it seem like, Oh I just don’t understand because I’m a white pop star. I know the statistics. I know what’s going on in the world. But to be honest, I don’t think MTV did that on purpose.”

Nicki hasn't exactly responded to Miley's opinions on a feud she claims to not have followed. But she did start throwing some favs on these tweets from her supporters that might be a window into her thoughts:

https://twitter.com/jamavelli/status/637091794140925953https://twitter.com/taayanthony/status/637061809422204928https://twitter.com/ItsMeMacMilly/status/637018630652358657https://twitter.com/ComplexMusic/status/637013459566231552https://twitter.com/KyweeBarb/status/637013038730756097https://twitter.com/HanaShafi/status/637012174716727296https://twitter.com/GiseleBronx/status/636999462477504512https://twitter.com/iRawq/status/637004748890210304

And so on. Whoever you side with, in what has now become a 4 pop star circus, this weekend's VMAs are shaping up to be a spicy meatball.


Workplace

8 times cops threw shade at criminals on social media.

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To protect and serve up sick burns.(stock photo)

Cops and social media definitely make a weird combination. At best, it sounds like an OK outreach program, at worst it's a waste of taxpayer dollars. But regardless of how you feel about it, police departments around the country and beyond have taken eagerly to Facebook and Twitter, where they really seem to enjoy shaming criminals with sarcasm and cruel mockery. Don't believe me? Here are the best examples we could find of cops snarking crooks on the Internet.

1. Burglar taunts sheriff's department on Facebook; sheriff arrests him and responds with sarcastic poem.

https://www.facebook.com/polkcountysheriff/photos/a.475201096817.250184.50386446817/10153107130686818/?type=1

This Facebook post was shared by the Sheriff's Office of Polk Country, Florida to try and catch two burglars. One of the men, Logan Hale, saw it and started goading the cops as his bad boy alter ego "Finallyfree."

Is this a riddle?(via)
He's playing with fire here. (via)
You know cops are frustrated when they get snarky. (via)

In the end, Finallyfree didn't turn himself in or change his name, but he was caught. And Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd didn't think any ordinary post announcing his capture would suffice. He had to get poetic.

https://twitter.com/PolkCoSheriff/status/634516556840595456

Rhyming cops? We truly are living in the end times.


2. Woman tweets that she wants weed; cops tweet back at her.

This one started when a Florida woman tweeted a request to her friends:

https://twitter.com/Rosa_Sparkz/status/623585018087100416

The Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office quickly got back to her.

https://twitter.com/PBCountySheriff/status/623603261581365248

She played along in a surprisingly good-natured way.

https://twitter.com/Rosa_Sparkz/status/623625935326023680

And seemed to enjoy the fame.

https://twitter.com/Rosa_Sparkz/status/623695970778222592

It all worked out!


3. Mechanic tweets that he wants weed; cops get him fired.

A mechanic on the job at a Toronto-area Mr. Lube location got bored and tweeted an incriminatingly specific request for a re-up.

Real name: check. Real employer: check. Totally f**ked: double check.(via)

The cops saw it and responded with their own snarky tweet. Does this story seem familiar?

Don't be fooled. They don't really think it's awesome.(via)

Here's where it diverges from the other stories: His bosses found out about it and joined in.

https://twitter.com/mrlube/status/367436913021423616

D'Oh! He should have been more vague like that Florida woman. At the very least, he shouldn't have mentioned his job.


4. Journalist corrects NYPD tweet about a crocodile; NYPD responds with unnecessary sarcasm.

This story started when a large reptilian was photographed crossing a street in upper Manhattan. Only in New York!

https://twitter.com/NYPD34Pct/status/624336009933791233

A journalist corrected the 34th Precinct's zoology knowledge.

https://twitter.com/lizzieohreally/status/624338503699177474

The cops couldn't resist getting snippy in their response.

https://twitter.com/NYPD34Pct/status/624339941020016640

Mee-owtch! This officer's got claws! So did the crocodile, but it's dead now.


5. Burglar writes "catch me if you can" on Facebook, is caught 5 minutes later.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=445038292267435&set=a.380954725342459.1073741827.281015285336404

The police department of Rosenburg, TX posted this Facebook bulletin to help catch two brothers suspected of breaking into 17 cars in one weekend. One of the brothers saw his photo and was emboldened to taunt the cops from his own Facebook account.

I don't know if this counts as a plea.(via)

The police wasted no time in rising to his challenge.

The community loves to see punks get humiliated. (via)

Just think: if he had waited five more minutes to post the comment, he could have spared himself the embarrassment.


6. Another burglar writes "catch me if you can" on Facebook, is caught and mocked with Monopoly reference.

A man named Sam Greenwood from Greater Manchester, UK, was locked up for four months for driving drunk without insurance. When he was released, he decided to keep it real by not attending any of the required meetings with his probation officer. The Greater Manchester Police posted his picture to their Facebook page, at which point he decided to get involved in the comments. The thread, presented here in descending chronological order, tells the whole story:

They tried to be nice, but he left them no choice but to go Parker Brothers on his ass.(via)

The Monopoly reference just adds insult to injury. If his life continues on the path it's on now, he'll never be a real estate mogul.


7. Man shares his own "Wanted" post on Facebook, then falls for the most obvious sting of all time.

Does that look like the face of a man who would assault you? Yes.(via)

When Anthony James Lescowitch saw this post on the Freeland, PA Police Department Facebook page, he was tickled pink. So much so that he had to share it for all his Facebook friends to see.

I'm glad his friends and family were on board.(via)

Minutes after he shared the post, Lescowitch received a mysterious Facebook message from a stranger with an attractive female profile picture. Presumably entranced by his bravado, this siren invited Lescowitch to get a drink, but he was too smart for that. When she asked him to get a cigarette, however, he agreed. She had found his weakness.

When he showed up for the rendezvous, he was met by officers. Duh. He was immediately arrested, and the Freeland PD shortly commemorated the successful sting with (how else?) a Facebook post.

We promise this is the last time you'll see his face.(via)

Mentioning how he got himself caught is extra humiliating. But at least they didn't describe the cigarette date. He'd never live that one down. 


8. Cops burn criminal on Facebook over lame excuse for having weed.

26-year-old Richard Relliford tried to do some quick thinking when cops caught him in St. Marys, GA with a comically large bag of marijuana. Unfortunately, quick thinking isn't the forte of the stoned. His excuse was so bad, the cops felt the need to make fun of him in a viral Facebook post about the incident.

It might not be a salad, but it's still more edible than kale.(via)

That's right. He said it was a salad. The kind of salad that you keep in a ziploc bag and doesn't have dressing and is made of weed. Of course, mercilessly mocking Relliford on Facebook opened up the SMPD to questions from the public about marijuana policy:

Solid cop answer. These guys know PR.(via)

I hope their open-minded attitude comes as a comfort to Richard Relliford in jail.

Best celebrity-friends Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer danced onstage at a Billy Joel concert.

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Is the Hollywood studio system being replaced by celebrities dancing on stages?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N9E9RR1-5s

Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence recently launched a public friendship with a jet ski ride, human pyramid, and movie collaboration. They are quickly emerging as a powerful force in the squad industry, which has until now been monopolized by Taylor Swift and her ever-expanding celebrity clique. And last night, the duo danced onstage at a Billy Joel concert, as if to suggest that Taylor Swift is not the only person capable of orchestrating amazing celebrity cameos on concert stages. During "Uptown Girl" (starting around 2:00 in the video above), Schumer and Lawrence did a chorus line, hopped on top of the piano, and set themselves up to be female clique leaders in the coming post-1989-tour era. 

These adults getting drunk for the first time looks like high school for people in their twenties.

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A lifetime of terrible decisions squeezed into one evening.

See you on the other side. (via BuzzFeed)

BuzzFeed Video documented what happens when adults get drunk for the first time, and it goes about as well as anyone's first time getting drunk (if you favor libations). Quotes out of the gate include "this is the mistake train" and "I feel like an octopus." Then the progression to later stages of drunken quotes roll in, with classics such as "I said I wasn't gonna cry" and "my stomach feels like a box of clams." Not certain why there are so many references to sea food, but it's probably because they're in L.A. Or it's because they're all mermaids and mermen which explains why they've never had land elixirs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbmnrDl-dUQ

Enjoy this, and remember just how lucky we are that cameras aren't rolling once we hop on the mistake train.

Lucy Liu announced her son’s birth through the traditional Instagram photo method.

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Congratulations to Lucy Liu on this new journey for your social media brand.

https://instagram.com/p/65uXYoIl0b/

Lucy Liu announced the birth of her son in an Instagram post, writing: "Introducing the new little man in my life, my son Rockwell Lloyd Liu." According to US Weekly, the 46-year-old actor "who is generally very private about her personal life" used a surrogate. Analysis of the photo confirms that the baby is cute.

Official birth announcements sent via stodgy old envelopes are a lame remnant of a past time. Instagram photos now serve as official birth announcements, and hopefully they'll eventually also serve as our birth certificates and government IDs.

Details of Anna Duggar's strict upbringing are so extreme you'll want to hug your parents.

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According to "a source" divorce is not an option for Anna Duggar:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPEKM0oApys

It is wise to always be skeptical of unnamed sources, but considering even Anna's brother came forward to talk about how their parents only care about how things look and they all know Josh is a piece of poop, this particular source is probably right on the money. The interview with People magazine includes these tidbits of depressing insight:

Growing up as one of eight children to parents Mike and Suzette Keller, Anna had a strict, religious childhood similar to that of the Duggars. "Her parents are even a little more extreme." 

"Anna and her siblings were always taught that if you follow these 10 steps or whatever, God would bless you." 

When Anna, now 27, met Josh at a Christian homeschooling convention back in 2006 when she was a teen, she wasn't allowed to gush about him to her siblings. "That's not something that's shared amongst siblings," says the source. "They always got 15-minute, one-on-one sessions with their mom every week. That was the time to share their feelings, but other than that they had to keep their feelings to themselves." 

 "They always taught their kids that divorce was never an option. They never even thought about cheating. But that's not how life works." 

Can you imagine only being allowed to talk about your feelings for 15 minutes a week? Even paid therapists give you 45 minutes, though they do call that "an hour." Right now Anna Duggar's husband is checked into faith-based sex addiction clinic after admitting he's the king of hypocrites for using sites like Ashley Madison and OKCupid to cheat on her. She's probably going to need more than the usual time allotment to work that out. Maybe every one of Anna's hundreds of extended family members can each give her fifteen minutes of holding up a pillow with Josh's face on it for her to punch.

A woman let different stores dress her in "flattering" outfits. Now she's even more confused.

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Kristin Chirico had always been told that she couldn't wear certain items of clothing because they weren't "flattering."

"What if we made a top that was...cropped?" (via Instagram)

The term had always confused her, since she would get different and often conflicting reports on what was considered "flattering," so she decided to conduct a study to see if there was any rhyme or reason to the use of the word. She went to five different clothing boutiques and got their personal shoppers to pick out "flattering" outfits for her. The results were just as varied as she expected:

This is from Macy's. (via Buzzfeed)
Bloomingdale's. (via Buzzfeed)
Nordstrom. (via Buzzfeed)

You can check out all of the outfits here. After trying on a bunch of different outfits, Chirico reached the following conclusions:

1. “Flattering” is at best a personal opinion, and at worst a sales tool aimed at getting you to buy things based on your insecurities — often a combination of both.

2. Flattering means something different to different people.

3. Because no one agrees about what “flattering” is…that means YOU’RE FREE.

Flattering is one of those words that doesn't really mean anything anymore, like "literally" or "interesting." So stop using it! Or use it if you want to. Live your life. 


North Dakota just legalized armed police drones. We're one step closer to "The Hunger Games."

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When pigs fly.

Death from Above 2015. 

North Dakota has legalized armed police drones, but don't worry because the drones can only be armed with tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets, and Tasers. The only thing more menacing than a wall of militarized police controlling a crowd is a wall of militarized police with a cloud of militarized drones hovering above them.

According to the most recent census data available, North Dakota ranks 47 on the list for violent crime, and 48 for population. Probably best to play it safe and have armed police drones just in case the peaceful and minimal residents of North Dakota get out of line. This likely means that jaywalking or parking in front of a fire hydrant may result in you getting blasted from the sky. Or if anyone gets a little too rowdy at the state fair or high school football game, they'll hear the buzz of drones approach to keep things in order.

Seasonal

Today’s edition of Zendaya shutting down trolls features people attacking her parents.

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"Tweeting mean things about celebrities' appearances has been done. Let's go for their moms and dads."

https://instagram.com/p/6g9_9-JmHK/

Last weekend, a fellow human being of Earth tweeted a picture of Zendaya's parents and called them ugly:

https://twitter.com/pullupifubad/status/634568677258592256?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Wow. Social media is truly changing the way we engage with lazy "your mom" jokes.

Now, Zendaya, of course, is not just an actor, singer, former Disney star, and Instagram role model. She's also a veteran of shutting down haters. She has eloquently called out the Fashion Police, posted a solidarity no-makeup selfie, and said a double "IDGAF" to people who didn't like her pixie haircut. And that was all before breakfast! (It wasn't.)

This time, she tweeted out a response and tagged the original poster along with two others whose charming additions included "her parents are really ugly I really would cry" and a screaming emoji.

https://twitter.com/Zendaya/status/635230949047857153?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Her full message says:

First, I'm gonna pray for you. While you're so concerned about what my parents look like, please know that these are two of the most selfless people in the world. They have chosen to spend their entire life, not worried about trivial things such as looks and insulting people's parents on Twitter, but instead became educators who have dedicate their lives to teaching, cultivating and filling young shallow minds. (One of the most important yet underpaid jobs we have) So please, log out, go to school, hug a teacher and read a textbook...and while you're at it, go look in the mirror and know that you too are beautiful, because such hateful things only stem from internal struggles. Bless you. - Me and my BEAUTIFUL family

Maybe only people born after 1995 should be allowed to tweet, because the rest of us can't handle the responsibility.

This dog plays fetch like a hungover person ordering takeout.

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"Ugh, I don't care, just shove whatever in my mouth."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWUJ5phwqSQ

Dog, we feel you. Sometimes other people want to play fetch and you're like, "Sure, as long as i don't have to do anything." This video is a little old, but it's been circulating again, probably because everyone is feeling those end of summer hangovers. "Rosé all day!" translates to passing out on the floor all the next day. 

Now push that dog in front of the window so it can watch a squirrel jump around.

Habit forming.

Drone catches man tanning on top of a wind turbine as summer reaches new heights.

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The trick is to lay perfectly still.

Just when a man thought he'd found a place to soak up some rays where he wouldn't be discovered, a drone came by and caught him on top of a 200 foot wind turbine. When he heard the drone approach, he simply sat up and waved. That's pretty much the best response to give when you receive an unexpected drone visit. 

This guy is either the laziest employee to ever work on a wind farm, or the most committed person to getting some alone time. It's incredibly impressive that he went to the top of this turbine, and if he did it without proper authorization or access, he's a hero. Either way, let's hope his secret happy place hasn't been permanently ruined. There's no chance he'll have quiet and solitude trying to nap on top of a hydroelectric plant.

A guy had public 'sex' with a virtual reality doll set, and he wouldn't stop. Why won't it stop??

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This is technically SFW, but it's not recommended that you watch it with coworkers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBXpCFKj91U

Is virtual reality the wave of the future? Well, watch this very young looking (hopefully over the age of 18) man hump a plastic doll in a Sailor Moon outfit in front of a gaggle of laughing dudes. He certainly seems to be enjoying himself... The only good thing that can be said about this display is that he doesn't have his penis out.

The person who posted the video says there's an iPhone in the mannequin that reads the, uh, position the person making sweet love to the doll is in. Also that the creator hasn't settled on a name yet for this "game," but is thinking Space Battleship Girlfriend. If you make the video full screen you can see the monitor showing the humper's perspective. It looks like a woman and some explosions, so that title sounds pretty appropriate.


The definitive ranking of school years, from kindergarten to 12th grade.

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School doesn’t get better as you go along, and it doesn’t reach its pinnacle your senior year.

Each fall, you had to start back at zero and hope it was one of the good years. Now that we're out of school, we know, and we can look back and determine with scientific accuracy which individual years of primary education are the best and the worst.

Pictured: You. 

1. 11th Grade 

Junior year boasts all the benefits of being an upper classman and none of the pressure. You get first dibs on picking classes and activities, and if you're a real baller, this is when those off-campus lunch privileges kick in. Seniors get all that, but juniors don’t have to worry if they’ve got enough credits to graduate or where they’re going to apply for college. Youth feels infinite. Junior year is literally the best.


2. Kindergarten

It’s barely school, unless you consider playing with toys and having somebody read to you while you sit criss-cross-applesauce on the floor school. Beyond that, you only have to go for a half a day, which is crucial when you’re 5 and need to get back home to see your mom, dog, and toys, all of whom you miss terribly.


3. 1st Grade

You are finally the big boy or big girl your parents told you that you were in kindergarten. First grade is pretty much the same as kindergarten, except it’s a whole day, and instead of all the other kids being strangers, you know them and your crew is locked down. Together, you then get to hang out, read, have like four recesses, and make fun of the kids who can’t read yet.


Bangin'. 

4. 12th Grade

Yeeeeeeah, SENIORS RULE! Wear that letterman jacket all year long. Push those frosh into lockers. Act smug and distant like you know everything about how the world works. Enjoy your first serious relationship and your first car. Seriously, enjoy them, because you’ve also got to contend with SATs, applying for college, making sure you graduate and/or maintain your GPA, and the looming permanent ending of most of your friendships and that first serious relationship.


5. 8th Grade

Well, look who’s ruling the middle school or junior high or whatever you called it where you grew up. You're ruling it, that’s who. It's all about reaching the top, and also getting those braces off. And in the classroom, they finally let you learn 20th century history. (Spoiler: Hitler was a dick.)


6. 10th Grade

You're old enough to handle a couple of beers, but since you're 15, you can't yet drive home, meaning you can't drive home drunk. It's the last vestige of the innocence of youth before you mature into a high-school aged kid and have to start actually thinking about life. Furthermore, you can still eat whatever you want with no consequences, and you're probably doing a lot of making out. Good for you!


Yep. That's how it feels. 

7. 3rd Grade

This is the last year that parents and teachers will consider you little, and so it's the last year you're praised for completing the most basic of tasks. Third-graders have to write a one-page report, and it's the most stressful thing you've faced to date. Movie Day is still a thrill. You can still want and ask for a hug from your teacher, and you may get one, and it's probably not weird yet.


8. 7th Grade

In the junior year of middle school, you're no longer fresh meat ripe to get pushed around, but you're not the big dog either. You're basically invisible, which in the hellish nightmare of middle school is a blessing. This is the last year you can get away with writing book reports on wide-ruled notebook paper, and the last year you can get away with a conclusion that's just a restatement of your opening paragraph.


9. 5th Grade

You notice the opposite sex for the first time and experience a powerful, terrible, aching crush, and if you're, for lack of a better word, lucky, the person you have that crush on will also have one on you and this will manifest by sitting next to each other on the bus and being the envy of all the other kids.


10. 4th Grade

You're in the the upper echelon of grade school now, and it's a bummer. One less recess, and you're expected to be a lot more mature and level-headed now that you're the big 0-9. This is also where they start aggressively splintering you academically into splinter cells of math groups and gifted programs, which is to say nothing of the cliques.


11. 2nd Grade

Every list has that entry that looms near the bottom because of its lack of impact and complete inconsequentiality. On lists of presidents, it's William Henry Harrison. Second grade is the William Henry Harrison of school years, because it's just kind of a filler year, a stopgap.


12.9th Grade

The status and maturity you worked so hard to achieve by advancing to the 8th grade is gone, and you’re back to being the lowliest of the low, but in a way bigger place that’s teeming with older kids that look like adults, only they have more rage and hormones, both of which will make you a target. Simply get through the year's very minimal requirements of reading Of Mice and Men and To Kill a Mockingbird, and you'll be fine.


And he's one of the popular kids. 

13. 6th Grade

It's your first year of middle school and apparently everyone else figured out how to act cool and where to stand, and none of them told you. Watch out for that random boner during a class presentation, guys. Worst than that, this is the year you have to read The Outsiders, a hilariously outdated novel your teacher will you is about "kids like you."

Subway eats fresh bad news: an employee says they knew about Jared Fogle for years.

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This is even harder to choke down than one of those yeast-y sandwiches.

How did he stay skinny when he was so full of secrets?

It's not particularly shocking to find out that Subway prioritized their brand over exposing a known pedophile, but it is satisfying to watch the people who aided and abetted him get called out. Cindy Mills, a former Subway franchisee, claims she contacted the CEO of SFAFT (Subway Franchisee Advertising Fund Trust), Jeff Moody, about Fogle as far back as 2008. 2008!!!

Fogle had made numerous statements to her about having sex with minors between the ages of 9 and 16 in the United States and Thailand. This is how the conversation went:

Mills says Moody cut her off in the middle of the conversation, saying, “Please don’t tell me any more.” He indicated that he had dealt with similar complaints in the past, according to Mills. “He said, ‘Don’t worry, he has met someone. She is a teacher and he seems to love her very much, and we think she will help keep him grounded,’” Mills recalls.

Subway is denying all this, of course, and made the following statement to People magazine:

"When we first heard about an alleged complaint being made to the company about Jared Fogle, we immediately investigated and found no record that this was ever brought to our attention. When we heard about the possibility of a second complainant, we began an investigation that is ongoing." 

Of course, if they did know about Fogle's crimes, that's terrible on many levels. From the most cold-hearted, practical perspective, it's terribly stupid. If you know your spokesman is a pedophile and aren't willing to turn him into the police (what!), you might want to fade him out of your advertisements. Maybe make your new mascot a dog in a sandwich suit, or something. Someone people can actually look up to!

We interviewed the woman who voiced Siri about her experience. Then we asked Siri the same questions.

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Susan Bennett, the voice of Siri, shares thoughts on her career, the gender gap in voice acting, and what it’s like to talk to yourself. Siri shares some pre-programmed responses.

She’s the familiar, sometimes sarcastic, infinitely meme-able voice on your iPhone, the proto Samantha-from-Her that can find you the nearest grocery store and/or awkwardly reject your sexual advances with the touch of a button or those magic words: “Hey, Siri.”

If it’s strange to think about an interface that’s able to respond to questions and requests like a person, it’s even stranger to remember that Siri is the voice of a real woman: Susan Bennett, an Atlanta-based voice actor who spent a month recording nonsense sentences for text-to-speech software that eventually became the ubiquitous Apple personal assistant.

Speaking to her for just a few seconds, it’s impossible not to be struck but how beautiful her voice sounds. It’s honey drizzled over melted milk chocolate and wrapped in that trusted friend from your hometown that you can call about anything. 
 

SOMEECARDS: So do people know that you’re Siri when they hear you? Or is there just a strange familiarity sometimes?

SUSAN BENNETT: No, not really. People don’t usually recognize my just everyday speaking voice because it’s a little bit different than Siri’s — it’s a little bit higher pitched than the Siri voice, and also, it’s a point of context. It’s completely out of context; they don’t expect to hear the voice outside of their phone or their iPad.

 

SEC: So did you have a specific voice in mind, a voice you were going for when they asked you to do Siri?

SB: Well, they didn’t really ask me to do Siri. The story of all digital voices is we started off working for a text-to-speech company and, at the time — this was 10 years ago — we thought we were just recording for phone systems, an offshoot of the on-call messaging that we had been doing previously. And certainly those of us who were working “in the field” at the time didn’t really have any idea where phone systems were going in the future.

It was really hard to imagine that a phone system was going to be a miniature computer that you held in your hand and interacted with. So, we were all sort of surprised — there are many original voices of Siri (I was the North American English) — so it was kind of a surprise when we ended up on all of these devices.

 

SEC: When you were recording for these systems, did you have a “personality” that you were going for with your voice?

SB: Basically for digital voices, such as Siri and others, you’re basically doing the opposite of acting. It’s very tedious work because you are reading sentence after sentence, phrase after phrase, that were created solely to get all of the sound combinations in the language. So as you can imagine, many of these sentences made no sense at all. And it’s very repetitive stuff: “say the ‘shrodding’ now, say the ‘shrading’ now, say the ‘shreeding’ now” — things that are just mind-numbingly tedious.

And the thing that makes it tedious as well is you’re repeating the same type of phrase again and again, and it has to be done with the same cadence, the same pacing, the same pitch, so it is extremely tedious work, and I’m happy to say I no longer do much of it. [Laughs] I put in my time; let’s put it that way.

 

SEC: How long did it take?

SB: Well, the original vocabulary that became Siri was recorded in July of 2005, four hours a day, five days a week. So it was intense.

 

SEC: Do you remember when you found out what Siri was going to become?

SB: Oh yes! It was the day Siri was introduced, and that was October 4th 2011. A fellow voice actor emailed me and said, “Hey, we’re playing around with this new iPhone! Isn’t this you?’ So I went on the Apple site and listened to it, and said, “Yes… that’s me.” So, surprise, surprise!

 

SEC: What’s it like hearing yourself in commercials?

SB: Well, I’m used it. I’ve been doing this for decades now, so I’m used to hearing myself in commercials, and on radio and television. And I’m used to hearing myself if I show up doing the narration for a documentary or something like that. But it's extremely strange, and creepy actually, to have my voice coming out of this little tiny computer, interacting with me. That…that took a moment.

 

SEC: Do you remember the first conversation you had with Siri?

SB: I remember one of the first ones. She kind of dissed me.

 

SEC: She’s kind of sassy!

SB: She is! She can have an attitude, for sure. I said, “Hi Siri, what are you doing?” and she rather disgustedly said, [perfect Siri voice] “Talking to you.”

 

SEC: This is a YouTube video waiting to happen. You have to record yourself doing this.

SB: [Laughs]

 

SEC: Does your family think she sounds like you? Or has the voice changed so much through that filtering, monotone process?

SB: Well, they did do a lot of compression, and of course Siri — especially the original Siri — was much more robotic than a normal human would sound, but I think basically people who know me well recognize the voice. Although, you know, there was a two-year period where I wasn’t telling people that I was that voice, and [after I revealed myself], some people said, “Oh we just thought it was obvious!” and then other people said, “Really? That’s you?” So I guess it just depends on how good an ear some people have.

 

SEC: Unrelated to Siri, do you have a favorite promo or ad that you’ve done voiceover work for?

SB: Well I have to say, the one closest to my heart is the singing chicken for Zeneca Agricultural Products, which I did several years ago, and it’s just hilarious. Just a singing chicken, and then I squawk at the end. So it’s really hard to top that.

 

SEC: How did you get into voice acting? It seems like such an interesting niche.

SB: Well, I got into it sort of accidentally because I’m a musician — I’ve been playing the piano since I was four, and singing seriously since high school. And in Atlanta, where I still live, I started doing a lot of studio work, and at the time, they recorded a lot of jingles. Nowadays they’re using a lot of old rock and roll for jingles, but in the past, almost every new spot had original music. So we had a lot of work, and it was the type of situation where four or six people would go in and sing together, gathered around one or two mics, instead of overdubbing just one or two people the way it’s done today.

And one day the voice talent didn’t show up to do the spot, and the owner of the studio said, “Susan, you don’t have an accent. Come over here and read this.” So I went over and read the spot, I did the spot, and I thought ding! Ding! Ding! I can do this! So that was the beginning, and that was many, many years ago. So I got some voice coaching, and I got an agent, and that was that.

 

SEC: Have you noticed a difference between the demand for a female versus a male voice?

SB: Well, I know that males get most of the work. That’s just a fact. I guess there are just different roles that continue to be assigned to the different sexes. I think you hear a lot of male voices because traditionally, a male voice is considered to be more associated with gravitas and authority. And you’ll find female voices on things that require shared information or something having to do with compassion. You’ll always hear a female voice on health care things, or cosmetics and beauty products and things like that.

 

SEC: Did you see the [2013] Lake Bell film, “In A World” all about female voice actors in the movie trailer industry? Did it ring true?

SB: Yeah, that was a great movie. Lake Bell did a great job. It was really, really great. I think it’s true — I had looked into doing some promos, and I spoke to a promo agent, and she said, “Well, I’d love to take you on, but I just let go of two of my females, because there just isn’t that much work for females.”

Once again, it's that gravitas thing, that [deep voice] “in a world.” I think You’d have get Bea Arthur’s cousin to do some of the stuff that those guy movie trailer readers do. So that’s where that stands.

It’s really hard to overcome [those inherent biases]. Maybe in a couple of decades we won’t associate the male voice with that kind of thing. I think it’s changing a bit, and there are certainly more opportunities for women than there used to be, but overwhelmingly, it’s the men that have most of the work, and the big paying work, I have to say too. Some of those guys like Don Lafontaine, are making just millions every year.

But on the other hand, people who do promo work and movie trailer work have to be available all the time. My theory on it is, what kind of life are you going to have if you do nothing but walk around with a laptop and microphone? And you can’t take a vacation because someone might call you, and then if they call you and you’re not there, they won’t use you anymore. It’s tough, so they earn that money. They do. Because they spend every single second of their life on-call.

 

SEC: Do you know when you’re making a commercial whether it’s good or bad? Do you pass judgment on what you’re reading?

SB: Yes. And many times you can tell in an audition what you’re dealing with, and usually, it’s the things that pay the least that are the most poorly written. You have to get the point where you just have to wonder how much it’s worth it to have your voice associated with this type of thing.

Back in the day, when there was a system in place, all broadcasting went through the union. But now, with just the feeling is that people aren’t very interested in unions anymore. And especially with the Internet, and technology making everything and everybody available, it’s really devalued what we do. I think it’s had a big effect on the quality, but it’s also had a huge effect on people’s income.

It’s just another offshoot of what we’re dealing with — basic corporate attitudes and behaviors. You see auditions come over email from humongous corporations, and you know they can afford to pay union, and you know that they’ve paid union in the past, but now, they can get away with doing non-union, so they do. It’s a problem. It’s a real problem and I’m not really sure how you solve it. It’s definitely a different business than it was 10 or 15 years ago.

 

SEC: It’s so interesting. This hidden industry, subculture that most people don’t think about.

SB: It’s an interesting thing that’s happening now with voice over, because in the past, when people asked what I did for a living, I would say, “Oh, I’m a singer and a voice talent.” And they’d say, “A what?” and after I’d explain it to them, they’d say, “Oh! I’ve never heard of voiceover.”

Now, I’m sure because of movies and the publicity around it, everyone wants to be a voice talent, and pretty much anybody can be, because if you have an iPhone and a MixerFace and a decent closet, you’ve got a studio. And in today’s culture that seems to be not very accepting of professionalism and experience, it’s sort of like [valley girl accent] let’s get that quirky voice, that’s really cool, let’s get that one! And they hire that person, and they might have a quirky voice, but can they read?

It may come full circle like many other things, but we’ll see. There are different trends in advertising as time goes on. I’m sure it’ll evolve in another way.

To learn more, check out Susan on Twitter at @SiriouslySusan, or her website

Tom Hardy's collection of lip sync videos have gotten extensive enough for an entire cover album.

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His talent has no limits.

 

A video posted by 50 Cent (@50cent) on

Actors find different ways of keeping busy while on location. Some find romance; others like to hit bars and restaurants. And, apparently, Tom Hardy finds pure joy in lip syncing just about every type of music there is. Turns out that Hardy is a huge fan of Dubsmash, and the secret is out thanks to his stunt double and one rapper named 50 Cent, who posted videos of Hardy lip syncing. Action Bronson, Queen, and Whitney Houston are just a few of the artists that Tom admires. Take a look:

RELATED: Tom Hardy's old Myspace page is hilariously douchey, and it makes me love him even more.

Think your boss is literally a psychopath? Here's how to tell if you're right.

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Now you'll finally have an answer.

"My tie told me to do it!!!"

Have you ever looked your boss in the eye and that noticed something was off? You can't put your finger on what exactly it is, but it rubs you the wrong way? Like there's a part of them you don't know about? Some secret they're hiding? Well, there's a chance that the secret they're hiding is psychopathy. It wouldn't be all that crazy — 1% of the population are psychopaths, and the more powerful your profession is, the more the chances increase. It can be hard to tell the difference between common annoying boss behavior and outright psychopathy, so here's a handy guide to help you tell the difference.

1. Has your boss ever yawned?

Disgusting. 

You know how they say that yawning is contagious? Well, someone should an asterisk to that statement, and the asterisk should say "if you're not a psychopath." You see, when normal people see someone yawn, they will yawn after them, because we normal human beings are empathetic creatures who love to yawn together. Psychopaths, however, are less likely to yawn, because they lack the sort of empathy that inspires a yawn chain. Give it a test by yawning in the office. If your boss doesn't respond, there's a chance that they're hiding a few bodies in their closet.

2. Does your boss have a nicer chair than you?

What, you think you're some kind of demi-god or something?

Psychopaths often display "grandiose self-representation." They think that they are better than everyone, and they will use their fancy adjustable chair with lumbar-support to prove it. 

3. Has your boss ever rescheduled a meeting?

The arm of a psychopath.

They tell you that there's a meeting at 3. Come 2:45, you get an e-mail that the meeting has been rescheduled to tomorrow. They claim that "something else came up." Did it? Or is this trademark psychopath "unreliability" in action. Sure, Jeffrey Dahmer killed and ate people, but people never mention the other terrible thing he did: He was a total flake.

4. Has your boss ever forced you to go on a company outing?

A psychopath can somehow manage to make cured meat boring. 

Hiking trips. Booze cruises. Mini golf. All of these are activities that you don't want to do on your own, and especially don't want to do with your coworkers. Your boss always forces you into them, however, for the sake of "team bonding" or "getting away from the office." They're just using this as a pretense to cover up their incessant need for stimulation/proneness to boredom

5. Has your boss ever said there was going to be food at a meeting and then there wasn't food at the meeting?

This is how I feel when there's no pizza. 

Psychopaths are known to be pathological liars.

6. Does your boss ever ask you to do stuff for them?

What a looney! 

A lot of the time, bosses will give you assignments to do. Yes, there is the argument that as an employee of the company, it's your responsibility to do these assignments. Someone people say it's even "literally your job" to do stuff for your boss. That may be true, but that sure is a convenient way for your boss to hide their psychopathic irresponsibility. Seriously, why can't they do it themselves?

7. Is your boss nice?

He disgusts me.

Does your boss ever ask you how you're doing? Or how your weekend was? Or do they ever ask you for your "valuable input" on projects? Psychopaths are known to have "superficial charm," so they probably don't actually care about you and are looking for a way to kill you.

8. Does your boss ever surprise you be letting you off early or taking you out to lunch?

Don't be fooled. 

Don't fall for it — psychopaths are known to be impulsive

9. Does your boss spend a lot of time at the office?

Psycho!!! 

The workplace is a convenient location to cover-up psychopathy. Your boss can easily claim that they arrive early and stay late at the office because they're passionate about their work and care a lot about the company. Bullshit. Once you know that psychopaths often live a parasitic lifestyle, you'll be able to see right through that. They're just there to suck the life out of all of their employees by making them do work.

10. Do they expect you to work hard?

That's the best position for getting the maximum amount of rest done.

Psychopaths also suffer form a "lack of realistic long-term goals." 

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