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Congratulations on the anniversary of your long-term engagement.

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May you live so long that no one wants to see you naked.

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I'd have definitely mailed you a paper birthday card if I was going out to...

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — July 25, 2013

Who are we not recognizing on British currency now? To what doomed island is Obama sending Caroline Kennedy? Why does George H.W. Bush look like Dr. Evil? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least...

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Being married gives me hope of one day being single again which will be...

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Just want you to know that I'd never emotionally cheat on you.

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I promise you'll never catch me sexting someone because it's too hard to type...

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I'd never cheat on you as long as I have porn.

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I wished I loved anything as much as Anthony Weiner loves showing his penis...

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Eating a salad at your desk is the only thing more depressing than work itself.

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The closest I'll ever get to being famous is giving my baby a ridiculous name.

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Thanks for being part of an unspoken pact to accept our gradual weight gain...

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I'd cheat on me too.

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I've earned my Summer Friday this week by working so hard I'm too tired to...

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You wear less clothing at work than most strippers do.

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Censored: Been thinking about you all day.

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Censored: Would love to hang out this weekend.

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Here's to having as much fun this weekend as Carlos Danger in a free wifi...

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A guy received a wrong number text from someone looking to buy drugs. His...

If I had a dimebag for every time HGTV messed up a drug deal... I wouldn't need drug deals. In an earlier era, you knew that one day you might be called upon to be heroic by stopping a crime or going...

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Sorry you have all the sexual compulsions of a sleazy politician without any...

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