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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 1, 2013

Who's being racist? Who's leglizing it? Where's the [recalled] beef? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.Pretending is fun! >>

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I'd like your Vine video better if it was shortened from six seconds to zero...

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It takes a special kind of talent to create a video that bores me in under 6...

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May you spend less time stuck in an airport this summer than Edward Snowden did.

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Dad, I think I'm going to enjoy your uncomfortably honest old guy stage.

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Happy birthday to a wife who is still as beautiful as the day she got Botox.

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I'm going to be so mad at you once my mood elevators wear off.

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There's no one else I'd rather make regret the day he met me than you.

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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 2, 2013

Why is Texas having trouble killing people? Who's asking for Trayvon Martin's hoodie? How many people has Bob Filner sexually harassed? Find out those three things plus exactly two more things for a...

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I hope your vacation is better than your job performance.

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Allow me to politely suggest this be the year you start lying about your age.

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Sorry your summer vacation is in New Jersey.

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Sorry I slept naked in your bed while you were on vacation.

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I hope your summer vacation will be as full of joy as the ocean is full of pee.

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I was attracted to you from the moment I realized how desperate I am.

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Please tell me less about yourself.

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Shark Week has reminded me that we really need to discuss your oral sex...

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May your latest relationship last longer than a seal during Shark Week.

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Let's celebrate Shark Week by drinking like fish and making people run away...

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You're my favorite person to complain about life with over a glass of wine.

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