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I've already accomplished my New Year's resolution of crying at a lower...

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January 6, 2014, 7:58 am

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Thanks for always pretending to listen to my problems before I pretend to...

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January 6, 2014, 8:16 am

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It's so cold that I'm willing to have sex above my weight class just for the...

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January 6, 2014, 9:28 am

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I could stare forever into the tiny opening between your winter hat and scarf.

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January 6, 2014, 9:52 am

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Thank god you're old enough this winter that the sheer number of birthday...

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January 6, 2014, 10:17 am

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Just wanted to warn you that tomorrow may set records for people talking...

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January 6, 2014, 10:25 am

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Best of luck on whatever diet you're trying until the next time you get drunk.

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January 6, 2014, 11:17 am

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Small Victories at the Gym in January

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January 6, 2014, 11:45 am

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My thoughts and prayers are with every single food delivery person I...

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January 6, 2014, 12:08 pm

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May the record low temperatures help you justify wearing enough layers to...

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January 6, 2014, 1:49 pm

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I'd never make you do a walk of shame during a polar vortex.

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January 6, 2014, 2:11 pm

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The coldest of winter nights could never prevent me from meeting you out for...

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January 6, 2014, 5:01 pm

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You know it's cold out if I'm fantasizing about us putting more clothes on.

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January 7, 2014, 5:01 am

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It's cold enough that I'm eagerly anticipating picking up my dog's warm feces.

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January 7, 2014, 7:57 am

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I have a wine that pairs perfectly with gossiping about our friends.

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January 7, 2014, 8:01 am

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I'm not fat, I'm warm.

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January 7, 2014, 8:18 am

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It's cold enough outside that I was genuinely thrilled to arrive at work.

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January 7, 2014, 9:23 am

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Way to finally cut down on your smoking due to arctic outdoor temperatures.

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January 7, 2014, 10:05 am

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10 Downton Abbey Pick-Up Lines That Would Surely Get You Laid (Following The...

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January 7, 2014, 10:55 am

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I hope you enjoyed your vacation at the hotel near the airport.

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January 7, 2014, 11:11 am

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