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Sorry you thought earmuffs were acceptable in our circle.

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You're like family to me in that I find myself drinking even more than usual...

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Feel free to not give me a layer-by-layer description of every item of winter...

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I'd pause my porn for you.

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You're eating with the confidence of a much thinner woman.

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I can't return to the gym until I lose some weight.

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Here's to shivering under blankets on the sofa burning as many calories as...

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Happy birthday to someone I hope realizes they're too old to go snowboarding.

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For your January birthday I promise to regift a Christmas present I didn't...

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I've had more intimacy with my lip balm this winter than with my significant...

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Thanks for extending the hassle of gift buying by having a birthday in January.

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Sorry to hear your body is as sick as your mind.

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I think I’m finally ready to commit to an open relationship.

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My favorite winter sport is walking to the nearest warm bar.

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I'm glad the cold weather has made you want to stay in and watch TV as much...

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I'll love you til your cup size is bigger than mine.

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I wish my kids would leave me alone while I repeatedly refresh Facebook to...

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Just a reminder to be careful about using email for sensitive issues like...

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I wish Chris Christie would create dangerous conditions on my commute so I'd...

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You're cantankerous, inappropriate, self-destructive, and hopefully single.

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