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Here's to Chris Christie for trying his best to keep New Jerseyans away from...

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January 9, 2014, 8:56 am

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I'm never quite as proud of myself as I am when my poops are large enough to...

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January 9, 2014, 9:54 am

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I'm shocked at how much planning it took to cause traffic in New Jersey.

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January 9, 2014, 10:37 am

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Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I...

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January 9, 2014, 2:08 pm

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I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

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January 9, 2014, 4:50 pm

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Happy birthday to someone who's still young enough to have a mother I'd like...

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January 10, 2014, 5:01 am

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Not even Chris Christie could stop me from getting full access to all your...

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January 10, 2014, 8:43 am

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Thanks for helping me through my winter depression by being far more...

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January 10, 2014, 10:06 am

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Let's spend your winter birthday getting completely wasted on cold and flu...

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January 10, 2014, 10:34 am

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In this weather I'd settle for a mittenjob.

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January 10, 2014, 11:45 am

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I'm staying inside this weekend just in case Chris Christie is mad at someone...

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January 10, 2014, 11:56 am

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I would have shared your Facebook post but I can't have people thinking I'm...

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January 11, 2014, 5:01 am

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I love you so much, I don't care if you can hear me take a poop.

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January 12, 2014, 5:01 am

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If there was an award for laziness, I'd probably send someone to pick it up...

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January 13, 2014, 5:01 am

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I'll start exercising on a regular basis when my body is so out of shape it...

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January 13, 2014, 7:13 am

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I wish an orchestra would start playing music to let coworkers know they've...

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January 13, 2014, 9:18 am

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I love you with whatever remaining love I haven't directed towards Jennifer...

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January 13, 2014, 9:40 am

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Let's stop investigating Chris Christie before we discover he's been sending...

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January 13, 2014, 10:29 am

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I'm glad my commute isn't as excruciating as the one to the Golden Globes stage.

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January 13, 2014, 10:55 am

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The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

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January 13, 2014, 1:40 pm

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