Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can definitely cause a world of pain. However, nothing eases the sting of a cruel insult like a brilliant, well-timed comeback.
Someone asked Reddit: "what's the greatest comeback you've ever heard?" These 21 people share the funniest and most savage comebacks they've ever heard:
1.) From sean_but_not_seen:
My mom used to own a hair salon right next to a bar. One night she and a lady who worked for her were closing up the salon and walking in the parking lot and a drunk guy yelled, "Hey baby, why don't you come over here and sit on my face?" My mom's employee didn't miss a beat and said, "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"
He was not pleased.
2.) From deck65:
Sprayed an ex girlfriend with a squirt gun and she immediately fired back with "6 months of dating and this is the first time you got me wet"
There is no comeback for that.
3.) From thekilla:
Ok I'm eating at a breakfast diner, and there is an older gentleman sitting next to me at the counter.
He stands up to leave, and another old man sitting near him looks at the guy's plate and I guess he noticed that he didn't really eat a whole lot. He says to the old man as he's leaving, "people are starving, and you're leaving food on the plate."
Old man turns to the guy, looks at him for a second, and says, "people are starving, and you're fat. What's the difference?"
4.) From DaifukuKid:
Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American.
John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren't American.
5.) From michaelsiemsen:
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"How would you know?"
6.) From vivianedarkbloom:
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says "aw man you should take those off you look way better without them" and she goes "yeah you look way better without them too."
7.) From FeltzeR:
I was in line at a sub shop when a lady crammed up to the front and tossed a sub near the cash register. She was demanding money back for some reason, I can't quite remember why. Anyways, when she made her approach she pushed ahead of some dad looking man in a suit, and got some of her sub mess on him. As she was getting her refund, the man calmly grabbed her credit card from her and tossed it out the door. She turned to him and the conversation went as follows:
'What's wrong with you, don't touch my property, I'll have you arrested!'
'Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you might enjoy a game of fetch. You know, because you're a bitch and all.'
To this day I think about how cool and calm that guy was. A true hero.
8.) From miserlyblasphemer:
"What's your sign?"
"Stop"
9.) From szg0033:
At a convenience store
Nasty woman was rude to the Old Guy at counter.
Some cool dude: "Hey, there's no need for that"
Woman: "Mind your own F'n business"
Dude: "I'm a veterinarian and bitches are my business"
10.) From despicable_dong:
At a bar and a girl speaks up out the blue how: "comedians are funny because they are ugly." Her friend quips up: "How come you aren't funny then?"
11.) From JournalofFailure:
When a hurricane was pounding the East Coast and Chris Brown tweeted "please pray for Virginia," TV writer Danny Zuker responded, "oh God, what did you do to her?"
12.) From JimmyJamesincorp:
On my way home on the bus, this big guy hops in, looks 30 at least. When about to pay the fare, he shows his student card for the discount. The bus driver, kinda pissed about charging student fare to the big guy asks "what does mommy tell you?" Big guy answers "study son, you don't wanna end up driving a bus."
13.) From ZeromusPrime:
"If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you"
"Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you f**king idiot"
14.) From [deleted]:
This short guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking shit on my brother for being tall (6'4") for some reason, saying stuff like "oh big tall man over here look at you aren't you special" etc. My brother responded with, "Dude, I was your height. It wasn't that great"
15.) From sigfemseks:
When I was 7, I was at a crowded McDonalds near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line waiting to order food and accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids.
She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice 'Well excuuuuse me." to which my 7 year old self instantly responded: "Why, did you fart?" A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a 7 year old.
To this day, I have no idea why I said it, but I'm really glad I did.
16.) From macelonel:
Some kid was making fun of an adopted kid and then he said "at least my parents chose me"
17.) From throwaway94216:
Bit of background Girl I was talking to has always been consistently mean to me, generally annoying to be around and no matter what her opinion is she always has to be right, if you try and call her on it she just brings in the fact she has had a hard life (which granted she has to an extent as a lot of people in her family have died, which is important to this)
One day she was giving me shit for eating meat and said to me "that's so disgusting, I would never do that, my body is not a graveyard" so I replied "no but your family tree is" she seemed to stop bothering me after that
Perhaps too harsh but I guess I just snapped
18.) From AnalTyrant:
At middle schools here in Southern Arizona they do a simple "promotion ceremony" for kids graduating 8th grade to go into high school. It's a stupid process, public education here is a joke so there's no way you can not get moved along to high school, assuming you show up to class most of the time. But for some reason some families treat it like it's some combination of a wedding and college graduation. We're talking multiple 100s of dollars on elaborate dresses for 13yo girls, and little guys in ill-fitting tuxes.
Well, my wife(obviously we were not married at the time) wore jeans and a tshirt because it's a worthless ceremony. A bunch of girls in their pretty dresses came up to her talking mad shit about how they couldn't believe she looked like trash, and how she was the only one not dressed up.
Without missing a beat, my wonderful wife says, "this isn't the last graduation I'll ever attend," and walks away. I think some of these girls might have tried to fight her if they weren't all done up in their quincenera-quality dresses.
Sure enough, many of those girls dropped out of high school to have kids with scumbags and live less-than-enjoyable lives.
19.) From badpenguin455:
Walking through disneyland on gay days with some friends and this little girl in princess dress tripped on my foot running diagonal in front of me. I was shocked and the mother glared at me. With out missing a beat my gay best friend says in the most flamboyant tone complete with finger snapping action, "that's what happens when a princess gets in front of a queen."
20.) From Soitgoes5:
This really shy kid that doesn't really speak much was getting picked on my this mean girl when the teacher tells her "be nice to him, he might be your boss someday," without missing a beat he replies "no thanks, I don't want to be a pimp when I grow up."
21.) From Teknofobe:
Winston Churchill had some of the best lines.
Nancy Aston: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee
Winston Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.
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