Goodbye my love!

In the light of an impending world war and all of the Jay-Z and Beyonce divorce rumors, it is hard to believe that love still exists in this world. 

One man from Fife, Washington is out to prove the world wrong. Love exists. Love exists so strongly that he had to jump out of a moving vehicle to get away from it. 

According to the charging documents, Alice Finley was driving with her boyfriend who was not named in the police report -- we will call him "Hope Springs " -- when they were engaged in a lover's tiff. Hope Springs was so enamored of his girlfriend that, despite the risk of injury, he jumped from the moving vehicle to avoid fighting with her. 

By chance, a police car had been driving behind them and saw Hope Springs fall into the street. The police officer attempted to stop the car, but Finley tried to speed away.

Here is a detailed report from KOMO. I have taken the liberty of replacing every reference of "the man" with "Hope Springs," and every instance of the term "charging documents" with "romance novel":

The car drove into a parking lot, where the driver -- later identified as 33-year-old Alice Finley -- quickly stopped and accelerated to close the open passenger door. The officer could hear Finley yelling at Hope Springs, who was walking away.

According to the romance novel, the officer turned on his lights, but Finley quickly accelerated through the parking lot and wouldn't stop even when the officer turned on his siren.

Finley entered the street without checking for traffic and ran a red light, according to the romance novel.

Hope Springs who had jumped out of her car entered the street in an attempt to stop her but reportedly had to jump out of the way when Finley only slowed down.

According to the romance novel, Hope Springs dove back through the passenger window as Finley passed and tried to wrestle control of the car from her while his feet dangled out the window. 

Ahhh. Love is in the air. And so are feet.

Finley eventually had to be dragged from the car and is being charged with attempting to elude a police officer. 

Hope Springs is being charged with loving too much. 

(by Myka Fox)

Time to get this party stopped!

It's possible the guy dancing in this video was having such a great time he decided the best way to get the crowd (not pictured) as pumped as him was by pulling an "Eddie Vedder climbing the rafters" routine on the DJ booth. Or maybe, after finding himself trashed and alone on the dance floor, he realized he was wasting his time and talent at one of the worst dance parties of this or any other year, so it was time to pull the plug and put the night out of its misery. 

Which he did, by dumping thousands of dollars worth of audio equipment onto the dance floor by way of his face.

Who knows what was going through his head? Considering the damage he caused, he's lucky it wasn't a 50-pound mixing board.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Jennifer Aniston loves the little people, except when they're giants.

Brad Blanks interviews celebrities. He's currently employed by WCBS-FM 101.1 in New York City to do that (and also to ride roller coasters), but he would be doing it anyway. He's one of those guys who is really friendly and good at approaching celebrities. To do this, he often has to crouch down or get on his knees to interview them, because he's also really big. Not, like, "big enough to play in the NBA regardless of athletic ability" big. Big like 6-foot-4 (for non-Americans: 193.5cm). You know, normal big. 

Normal big, that is, until you remember that actors are all teeny tiny mini-people. Mini-people who rarely leave the world of the mini-people, and so forget that running into a 6'4" human is not that unusual. Jennifer Aniston, who was promoting "Just Go With It" with Adam Sandler when this video was taken, had clearly not left the Hollywood bubble in a long time when this happened (it resurfaced today for some reason). She probably also stopped going to basketball games, because Brad Pitt hangs out there. I think she honestly forgot that this is possible without CGI. 

Adam Sandler, on the other hand, still sounded exactly like my 13-year-old self would want him to sound, and it's awesome.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"Have you ever really looked at your hand? Like, with 100% of your brain?"

The absolutely idiotic idea that we only use 10% of our brains comes from the fact that roughly 10% of our brain matter is made up of actual grey matter. This is like saying you only use 10% of your car because most of the car is not the engine. It's stupid, and people who write entire movies around this concept (I'm looking at you, Powder and Limitless) are stupid, but they think that you are even stupider. To quickly sum Lucy up, Scarlett Johansson has her brain improved by science, which leads to her becoming magical. Like, Matrix magical.

Here are 10 plots for such a movie that someone using slightly more than 10% of their brain could have come up with by working 10% as hard as possible.

10. A movie where Scarlett Johansson's intelligence is improved exponentially by science and she doesn't become a wizard. I'm sorry if I'm ruining any future scientists' fantasies, but if you become smarter than the smartest scientist who ever lived, physics will still f-ing apply to you. Sure, you may be so smart that you realize we've had physics horribly wrong this whole time, but atoms and molecules will not break their bonds and reorganize themselves according to your will just because they're so happy that someone finally understands them.

9. A movie about Scarlett Johansson using 100% of her brain. This would actually just be a documentary about Scarlett Johansson, because everyone uses 100% of their brain. The film would follow her around her daily life. I would watch this movie. I would own this movie. Someone please make this movie.

8. A movie where Scarlett Johansson becomes super-intelligent and gets hired to do a rewrite of Transcendence, starring Johnny Depp. Now this would be a great movie. We could examine both the possibility of human upgrading and the specter of computer-based artificial intelligence, all without violating the basic laws of reality. Plus, I feel like super-Scarlett and Johnny Depp (as himself) would have a great love story before she eventually rips him apart at a subatomic level because of her superpowers (not from being intelligent—just the superpowers that Johansson already has).

7. Short Circuit 3. Instead of writing Lucy, the screenwriters could have written an exciting finale to the 1986 sci-fi comedy romp starring the iconic film robot Johnny 5 (and its lesser-known 1988 sequel). Why didn't they? That's something that would take more than 100% of our current-model puny brains to figure out.

6. A movie where my dog accidentally ingests black-market superdrugs and develops the ability to talk, fight crime, and alter reality. OK, so this is the plot of Lucy, except starring my dog Benchley instead of Scarlett Johansson. If you knew how adorable Benchley is, though, you'd know that this is the smartest idea anyone has ever had, ever.

5. A movie where Morgan Freeman refuses to explain things. The world is falling apart, and the only person who can break it down for the average person to understand is Morgan Freeman...and he's not talking. Chris Pratt leads a gang of superheroes who must convince Freeman to open his mouth and reveal the backstory of this world crisis, as well as (somehow) the internal thoughts and motivations of all of the main characters. Twist ending: the reason Freeman can't talk is because he is God, and God cannot reveal his mysterious workings to us mortals.

4. A movie where a computer thinks it's Scarlett Johansson—and no one has the heart to tell it that it's not. This still leads to the end of humanity, but only after the computer reads a Perez Hilton post making fun of it, realizes it's not Scarlett Johansson, and then gets so embarrassed that it wipes out all life so that no one can ever accuse it of not being Scarlett Johansson again. I'm not saying this is a smart movie...just smarter than Lucy.

3. An animated film about talking scooters. Following the success of Cars, the rip-off franchise Planes, and the long-running Thomas the Tank Engine, the time is ripe to jump on one of the few methods of transport that hasn't been turned into a Pixar-esque copycat: scooters. This follows the adventures of a plucky young Segway who must win the trust of a town full of traditional Vespas so that they can team up to fight the evil door corporations who want to put doors on everything. 

2. A movie where rich people are able to buy intelligence upgrades and suddenly the world is split into two competing species. This would be no fun to write, though, because by the time it finally went into production, you would just be able to watch news stories about it. Right on your eyelids, if you're rich enough. By the time it comes out, it will just be too boring for the Supers to enjoy, and too depressing for the Normals to sit though.

1. A movie where people tape GoPros to a bunch of raccoons and release them into a new town. If you'll excuse me, typing that sentence immediately got me a call from my agent (who I didn't even have before starting this article). This one is mine, I called it.

(by Johnny McNulty)

In England, they call this 'bum over noggin.'

I'll be honest with you: I've never really been all that interested in knowing what it's like to come this close to having my head splattered across the pavement in a bicycle accident. In fact, I'd say my level of interest was close to zero. That said, I'm kinda glad that I've seen this harrowing helmet-cam footage taken by an unfortunate—and shockingly coordinated— Londoner during a literal run-in with a car on a drizzly afternoon. Because now that I've seen it, I can say I've got that experience covered. 

Or at least as covered as I ever plan on getting it covered. Because, unlike this guy, I would not have landed on my feet. I'm lucky if I land on my feet when I get out of a chair.

For your peace of mind, although this guy was taken "to the hospital in a neck brace and spinal board" for testing, he "escaped with just bruising," he says. The bike, unfortunately, has gone off to a better place. 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the driver of the car tried to pin the blame on the bicyclist. That's where the helmet-cam really proved its worth. "Safe to say the video has saved me a lot of hassle and 3 weeks later the cheque has already arrived from the insurance company," the bicyclist explained in the video's description.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

It's freaking LAMINATED. This guy is clearly a pro.

Meet Dan, everyone. A redditor from the Boston area snapped a photo of this sign advertising the most exciting opportunity in lawn trimming since the gas-powered lawnmower. When you need someone to just be a body pushing around a lawn mower, are you going to hire a young, lithe body that's just there to be looked at (and push around a lawn mower)? No, you're going to hire someone with experience. I know that Millennials are mired in the worst job market since the Depression, but this is one position they're not stealing from an under-employed Gen-Xer (or really under-employed Boomer). Keep up the good work, Dan.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"This just in... nothing of any real importance is going on in Monroe, Connecticut."

A 4-year-old boy was reportedly banned from a Connecticut doughnut shop after asking a female customer if she "had a baby in her belly." Turns out she wasn't pregnant, she was just (coincidentally!) standing in line to buy doughnuts (no judgments!). 

Rebecca Denham told WFSB she immediately apologized for her son's embarrassing question, and said the woman wasn't even upset. The owners of the shop are the ones who had a problem with it, because the following morning they reportedly told the mother to hit the road, and that she and her son were no longer welcome at the store. 

No shirt, no class, no service.

According to Denham, "[the owner] said, 'he's not allowed in here,' and I looked around, and said, 'him?' and she said 'yeah, he's rude'." The owner has a point, but he's also four. Which makes it seem like there's more to this story than what's being reported. Was the kid carrying a gun? Is this all part of a larger plan by the mother to cash in on a viral pity party, like the family who lied about their daughter being kicked out of KFC? 

This story is a cream-filled riddle wrapped in a chocolate-covered enigma.

WFSB 3 Connecticut

The craziest part of the entire story is that a television news program broadcasting from the United States in 2014 starts out with an anchor saying, "We begin tonight with story you'll see only on Channel 3," before tossing to an investigative piece about a boy being banned from a doughnut shop.

WFSB contacted the owners of the Doughnut Inn, but they declined to comment. Probably because they know that stories like these go viral quicker than a shot of Jennifer Lawrence's side boob.

More on this story as it develops. Which is to say, when it's revealed that the whole thing is a hoax, and we're all exposed once again as a gullible simps with a sweet tooth for sob stories.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Classic example of 'point of sale' advertising.

Nathan Fielder is more than a comedian and host of Comedy Central's Nathan for You. He's a thinker. A theorist. A philosopher. An old school idea man. You might remember him as the genius behind the trillion-dollar Dumb Starbucks coffee shop (that ended up fizzling out because the world just wasn't ready). But that's just one of his many ahead-of-their-time concoctions and schemes.

Here's another one of them: What he realized is that it's not technically illegal to sell alcohol to minors. It's only illegal to give them the alcohol once they've paid for it. So, as long as you can find enough teens who are willing to keep their booze in storage until their 21st birthday, you've just opened up a whole new revenue stream, my friend!

With the exception of a number of minor exceptions, there are literally no problems with this plan! Just see for yourself:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

We're through the looking glass now.

Keeping spreadsheets and logs of marital sex droughts are so popular, Quicken should release some sexual accounting software fast if they want to make a killing. 

Late last week saw the story of a husband's spreadsheet of all his wife's excuses to avoid sex go viral, with many horrified by the story of the world's most passive-aggressive man and his brain-dead method of dealing with his marital troubles. 

That story quickly spawned a bunch of humorous reaction spreadsheets from dudes across the Internet. But now we've finally got some "she-said" to counteract all the "he-said."

Yesterday, Guyism shared this sex diary that was reportedly kept by a woman during what sounds like a pretty unsatisfying previous marriage. 

(Via Guyism)

According to the background provided by Guyism, the wife in question started keeping her diary a few months into her marriage, perhaps realizing that she might have made a mistake and could use some documentation when things end up in court. 

This accounting is arguably more painful than the original spreadsheet guy, considering that this bride occasionally even went to the trouble of taking care of her husband without reciprocity. Original spreadsheet guy's accounting sounded like he just hovered over his wife asking, "Sex now?" before wandering away to sulk in front of Excel. This diary was also never emailed to the husband as he was leaving town on a business trip. Much classier for it to hit the Internet well after the marriage is over.

The original diary had a lot more detail which you can read all about at Guyism.

Anyway, keep your sex spreadsheets up to date, everybody. You never know when you're going to be audited.

(by Bob Powers)

Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.

Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. And this is probably one of those things. And I don't even mean the hackish obviousness of that joke. I mean the fact that last night, the five remaining members one of the most influential comedy groups of the century performed live for probably the last time ever. Monty Python was supposed to do just one final show at London’s O2 Arena, but the overwhelming enthusiasm from fans ultimately turned that one final show into nine final-ish shows and one final final show to be broadcast live around the world on the Internet.

Anyway, that final final show happened on Sunday. And in the final minutes of that final show of the final run of the British comedy's group's 45th year, John Cleese, Michael Palin, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones and Eric Idle did the right thing and went out with one last performance of one of the greatest, most-oddly-positive, brilliantly-sardonic songs ever written: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.

And that's the end of Monty Python. And, yeah, it's sad and all, but I'm sure another seminal, paradigm-shifting, globally influential comedy group will be coming along to take their place any time now.

Any time now.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Andy crossed out the tat of her name and added "I Deserve That." (Via)

Love is forever, except when it's not. When the tears fade and the deep emotional wounds start to heal, you may find yourself with an unfortunately permanent reminder of the person you thought you'd want a permanent reminder of. If that happens, consider covering up your romantic tattoo with a much less romantic skull face. Or curse word. Or really, anything, because the most hideous tattoo in the world is better than having the name of someone you now hate emblazoned on your chest. We promised we wouldn't say, "We told you so," so we'll just say, "You're stupid and you got what you deserve."

Looks like Jeffrey got caught in the wrong honeypot. (Via)

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Subtlety has no place in a breakup.(Via)

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Every girl gets a font. (Via)

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Shame she had him when he was a gross caterpillar. (Via)

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Updated 5/27/14:

I assume she means the hockey player. And she's right. (via)

No reason a strong independent woman can't have a tattoo of her own name. (via)

It's ironic because Gary never bought her flowers. (via)

A classic from the wrist of Katie Price. (via)

Updated 4/22/14:

This is the modern day version of "It's better to have loved and lost..." 

It's always reassuring when an ex's looks fade after a breakup.

Not so much a coverup as an invitation to ask him about the worst relationship he's ever had. (Via)

She was always your first love anyway.
 

Posted 12/2/13:

Dick, short for Dicholas.

All tattoos eventually return to dust.(via)

We'd all like to do this to certain parts of our exes' bodies.(via)

She's a great singer who broke his heart.(via)

With a tattoo this awesome, their abusive relationship was worth it!(via)

Now she has to think about a butterfly all the time, though.(via)

Sometimes people get tattoos of arcangel boyfriends' names. It's always a mistake.(via)

Jane hated black and white swirls.(via)

They broke up because she kept shaving patches of his body.(via)

This way he and Cindy could still get back together!(via)

Yikes! Daisy got off easy.(via)

It would be so awkward if she broke up with her mom now.(via)

What a relief to cover that unsightly heart with two unsightly roses!(via)

Tramp stamp restored to its single gal glory.(via)

Janine took everything back but the tattoo of her name.(via)

0% Tony.(via)

There's only so much you can do for someone with a neck tattoo.(via)

Bonus: birds did not feature prominently in their relationship.(via)

Our bodies annually produce 60 gallons of sweat, and it's safe to assume that a lot of that's coming out of the summer months, but what do we have to show for it come September? Instead of letting it drip away, put your sweat to use! Here's how:

• Dogs don't sweat, but maybe they'd like to? Dump your sweat on your dog and see if he takes it in stride.
• Keep a little vial in your pocket for when you just can't seem to muster tears at a particularly inept funeral.
• Slop it into your stews and gravies for a double-barreled blast of umami. Your guests will never guess the "secret ingredient," and you'll never tell!
• Bottle it with aromatics and market your own musk. Introducing Me, by You! You should put your own name in there, though, or people might think it's them.

• Ever pickled with body brine? Forget about kimchi, how about kim-me?!
• Ship it to drought-stricken Southern California to aid beleaguered firefighters in their ongoing fight against fire. It's like you're on the WWII homefront. Go get 'em, boys!
• Gather it in a mist bottle for a refreshing anytime spritz, or turn it on assailants to blind them. Ha-ha, fuck you!
• Freeze it into sweatsicles for a post-workout recovery treat, or ice cubes to really dirty up a dirty martini. Dirty me-tini! It's you in there!
• Spread it on telephone poles, stoops, and hydrants around town to convince local dogs that you are an omnipresent God figure.
• Let the salt separate out overnight and gather it into a salt lick for deers, to stay in their good graces. A reckoning is coming.

• Never woken up in a cold sweat? Refrigerate a batch and have a buddy douse you awake from a nightmare.
• Irrigate your crops for a bountiful yield come harvest-time.
• Splash it on your palms to dynamite a disappointing Tinder date on first contact. It's like swiping left for real!
• Sprinkle it on a baby to baptize it in your name, like Satan might do.

Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.

When the Queen shows up, every game is a Royals game. (via)

There's a controversy brewing! Is this an Instagram of the Queen of England dropping a Royal photobomb, or is it well-timed selfie with her Highness playing along? It appears to be a little bit of both, which is why I'm coining a new phrase -- a Stealthy (I want full credit!).

Australian Jaydee Taylor, who was competing in the Commonwealth Games, happened to be in a great spot to snap a picture of the world's most overdressed field hockey fan, but she had no way of knowing that the Queen, who isn't famous for her toothy grin, would turn towards the shot and drop a Stealthy™.

Here's a shot of how went down, courtesy of fellow teammate and opportunist, Anna Flanagan.

What a day!! 4-0 win over Malaysia... And we just met the QUEEN!!! #queenselfie#roovolution@thecgfpic.twitter.com/VntRsT2VBl

— Anna Flanagan (@Anna_Flanagan) July 24, 2014

Nice shot. Although, "we just met the QUEEN!!!" is bit of a stretch, considering she's several feet away and behind netting. Still, it seems like it was a memorable day for everyone involved.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

1. Alec Baldwin Promises Judge He'll "Be A Good Boy From Now On" In One Of The Less-Infantilizing Moments Of His Life

During a court appearance for that bizarre bicycle-related screamfest that got him arrested in New York City a few months back, actor Alec Baldwin was forced by a Manhattan Criminal Court judge to "be a good boy from now on." This may seem like a tough thing for a 56-year-old man to endure, but really he was just happy for the attention.

I bet a lot of people have been woken up to the sound of Alec Baldwin yelling.

— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 14, 2014

2. The '50 Shades Of Grey' Trailer Is Finally Here For Your Mom's Masturbating Pleasure 

So, you might not want to watch this new trailer for the upcoming film adaptation—starring Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan—of that best-selling book your mom keeps reading over and over again, because now you're gonna know exactly what was going through her head while she was sitting next to you on the couch.

I'd watch the 50 Shades trailer but I'm a little tied up right now.

— David Waghalter (@dwaghalter) July 24, 2014

3. Turns Out Octopi Are Into Some Really Freaky Tentacle Sex 

According to recent research, that happy little octopus with all those cute waving arms at the local aquarium is into some really dark shit in the bedroom. A new paper published in Molluscan Research explains how strangulation and cannibalism are regularly incorporated into octopi's mating rituals.

Now see if you can eat noodles without thinking about an octopus sex party.

— G.T. Collins (@fleshcake) August 2, 2012

4. Second Hole Opens Up In Russian Landscape, Promising Twice As Many Kaiju Monsters From Bowels Of Earth

Remember that enormous charred hole that opened up in the earth in some godforsaken corner of Russia? Good news! Now there's two! So, it would appear as though Armageddon is really speeding up. Which is kind of good news. Any chance it'll get here before the 50 Shades of Grey movie opens? Fingers crossed. 

Putting a firecracker in your mouth to replicate a kaiju's atomic breath is not advised. Repeat: not advised http://t.co/Cqs4di7rlm

— Ed Yong (@edyong209) October 10, 2013

5. Your Dog Is Just As Much Of A Jealous Asshole As You Are 

The newly released results of a recent study make what we've all known for a long time official: Your dog is capable of being just as much of an obnoxious, self-centered jerk as you are. Makes you feel like the entire animal kingdom is bound together in a shared assholeishness.

Why does your dog look jealous when I lick peanut butter off your balls? Do you even feed him?

— notyourjester (@Loli_Sug) August 3, 2013

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

This is what happens when you ask three dudes to bring the meat.
(via Southwest Florida Crome Stoppers)

Three naked surfer bros broke into a beach burger joint in Southwestern Florida this weekend to steal a bunch of meat. 

Well, two were naked. the other one still had on his skin-tight white boxer briefs. They must have all seen Law and Order SVU and known better than to leave behind clothing fibers at the scene of the crime. 

When you want it raw. (via News Press)

Together, these hunks of meat managed to abscond with 60 hamburgers, three pounds of bacon, three red peppers and a paddleboard. Let's assume the paddleboard was taken to punish the bro that wore undies. 

The dudes broke in through the back door of Doc's Beach House and were probably too busy giggling at their mission to steal meat the way they were born to notice the two security cameras capturing all the raw meat. Eventually, one of the bros noticed one of them, so they turned it around and covered their faces and "places," but it was too late. Their crime would live in infamy and they would forever be known as "dumb, dumber and dumbest," thanks to Doc's Beach House waitress Nancy Sansevieri.

Up to this point, the three guys have gotten off scott (and clothing) free. They have yet to be identified - too hard to focus on their faces. 

(by Myka Fox)