by Dan Abromowitz

There's no better time than summer for reconnecting with those carefree sun-soaked days of childhood. Take a break from the pressures of adult life and feel like a kid again with these easy tips:

1. Sit in the back of a car for a few hours. You're not going anywhere, but those family road trips were never about the destination. Think about what you've lost, and whether you ever knew it when you had it.

2. Do a cannonball! As you leap, will against the weight the Earth assigns your body, your sprawling body, once so clean and buoyant, buoyed by potential, weightlessly upright. As you fall, realize, again, just how powerless you are.

3. Show up at your old summer camp and ask everyone if they remember you. Here's where you carved your initials in the soft cabin wood, thin and tremulous. Here the boats beat against the dock as they always have. Here the trees are not so much taller. All the same, here, you are a ghost.

4. See how far up your leg you can fit your childhood bathing suit. Every year, another inch lost. Every year, another death, lived.

5. Tremble with the terrible heat of your sexuality. You were a knife blade, a swamp creature, a lightning bolt. You were a rabid dog, a burrowing maggot, a skipping CD. You were a springloaded deathtrap, a virus, a sinkhole. You were the child of God gone mad, bloated with chemical, clawing your way back to heaven. What are you now?

6. Imbue your clothes with the bready scent of Coppertone Sport. This was safety, once. Now, like so much else, it's just another poison; not the quick death of your fantasy tales, but true poison, slow and bitter, corroding and eroding, hurrying on the creeping black.

7. Piss in the kiddie pool. Consume, expel. Consume, expel. Consume, expel. Balance the ledger and dust is all that's left. The shriek of the lifeguard's whistle, the wails of the children, the robust arc of your urine, these quaver and melt as all things must, leaving in time nothing so much as a ripple.

8. Hide. Don't breathe. Don't be. They are searching.

9. Write in cursive. This arcane scrawl came with the promise of power. It was the script in which you would gouge your hidden name into the palm of Atlas. They lied, of course.

10. Bike to the gulch and see if there's a body there. You used to love biking to the gulch until you found that nude corpse, but nothing's gonna bring those sunsoaked days of yore rushing back faster than stumbling onto another. What does the gulch remember? What will you forget?

11. Have a popsicle. It's hot out there!

12. Get lost in a mall. They will look for you in Teavana. They will look for you in the Panda Express. They will look for you in Oshkosh B'gosh. They will look for you in Sam Goody. They will look for you in Yankee Candle. They will look for you from the big Macy's at one end to the big Bed Bath & Beyond at the other. But they will find you by the fountain, wishing.

13. Live in terror and awe of authority. You are taller now, but you can be small again. You are greater now, but you can be diminished. Nothing in this world cannot be taken from you.

14. Demand name brand consumer goods. Scream with need, howl with desire, cry with lust, holler your ancestral claim to Hasbro and Mattel, Kellogg and General Mills. And then buy yourself them, because you have money now.

15. Ignore the news. The world is burning, and here you sit. Pull the covers over your head and pray for the restoration of the solipsism you'd worked so hard to shed.

16. Somehow build a snowman. This would be very impressive in the summertime.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)

Someone send a life-raft. (Via)

At this point there isn't a moment of human experience that isn't photographed and instantly uploaded to Facebook for all to share. Life is contained in the Facebook photo albums now, so when you comment on a Facebook photo you're essentially commenting on life itself. You can choose to resignedly click "Like" on life like so many over-medicated cult members who are lying to themselves. Or you can do like the commenters gathered here, who deserve awards for their attention to detail and their willingness to turn a glimpse of another person's existence into something we can all laugh at.

Ken's a big reader. No canned spaghetti meal is going to make him give that up. (Via)

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You must be more compassionate in your oil changes.(Via)

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Prepare for ye credit card offers and Valpaks to be pillaged. (Via)

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Still, at least she Googled it herself. Very talented Googling. (Via)

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A sunset has to be really beautiful to get Heather to stop obsessing over poop shots. (Via)

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Updated 6/30/14:

Why old Photobomb Phil's been dead for decades now.
You got photobombed by a g-g-g-ghost! (Via)

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Like you've never gotten excited after taking a really good butt-selfie.(Via)

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Least they're not sitting around doing math!(Via)

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Or, he died before achieving his dream of Jurassic Park being operational.(Via)

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I think he just asked you out to dinner!(Via)

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Guys don't need a lot of inspiration in that activity. (Via)

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Updated 6/3/14:

I certainly hope the tiny cat tipped well. (via)

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You should see the pyramids. (via)

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Wake up, sheeple! Why do you think there are so many cans? The aluminade! (via)

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It looked like a salami. (via)

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When will you grow up, Shannon? (via)

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Updated 5/2/14: 

Spike knew. She always knew. (via)

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That was very, very dangerous. But cool. (via)

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I only hump American-made cars. (via)

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The tattoo artist only knew how to do glittery spiders for some reason. (via)

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If not great responsibility, at least more responsibility than that, surely. (via)

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What if they mutate but they're still not that good at martial arts? (via)

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Updated 4/2/14:

I'm guessing this is the last time anyone makes the mistake of trusting you. (via)

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I dunno, $20 still seems like a good deal. (via)

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Well, that seems irrelevant, but good to know. (via)

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Nope, not what that means. (via)

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Updated 3/4/14:  

All the rest have 31, except February which has 52. (via)

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It's just a very sad photo all around. (via)

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I give them a week before they're posting photos of each other slippin. (via)

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Why do I have the feeling this will take a while to explain? (via)

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Updated 2/4/14:

Also sometimes people are just sleepy. (via)

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Unfriend this person before their posts become upsetting. (via)

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Good thing I have my smart phone to document this. (via)

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Philip Seymour Hoffman would probably have thought this was funny. (via)

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A bargain at half the price. (via)

Updated 1/6/14:

He's going to the great cardboard box in the sky. (via)

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A.O. Scott does most of his reviews this way, too. (via)

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"Oh!!! Pretty!" was the last words of many a gladiator. (via)

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Reason #43,239 never to friend your mom, or son, on Facebook. (via)

The greened-out name is Santa, obvi. (via)

This is why the aliens will easily be able to overtake us. (via)

Updated 12/5/13:

Kids today don't watch enough VHS's.

"Superficial aesthetic characteristics" = "She has giant boobs."

I always grew too attached to the sausages we raised on my farm as a child.

Why would you want to avoid a place with a ball pit?

It's true! M.J. really was out of this world!

Ow.

Updated 11/7/13:

ERECTION! How many times must I scream "ERECTION"?!

Could be anyone's ass, really.

Don't forget the Holey Bagel.

Earth is destroyed every year.

SMMTH. (Shaking my mutant turtle head.)

LOL why would someone invent a non-cordless phone?

Updated 10/7/13:

Pics or it didn't happen.

Mr. Darren Buble has a nice ring to it.Swoon.

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Oddly enough, that book IS junk.
 

Updated 9/11/13:

Could lose a bit more if he put down the phone for a second.

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Sells puppy to get better phone to take pictures of puppy on.

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No, no, Timmy. Camels have humps.

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Same basic shape, you know-it-all!

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Rob may be a pussy, but he's no fool.

Updated 8/8/13:

In case you were wondering, her account number is 3771-1745.

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There are no awkward silences around that grasshopper.

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Children our are future.

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Seriously, 5 acres isn't even that many!

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If your phone's in a smoothie, what did you take the photo with??

Updated 7/12/13:

This commenter is now in a relationship with Youtube.

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They were chillen' together. Cyberchillen'.

Tonight on Fat Cops, a young boy who's just killed a man seeks help from his mama...

This is actually why they picked her for the summer internship.

Their lizard fucking is truly beautiful though.

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Updated 6/12/13:

Remember when Neil DeGrasse Tyson had that ugly feud with 50 Cent at the planetarium?

Ew, drinking Union Jack sounds dusty.

And...if you're lazy?

Time to go back to your original profession as a taxidermist.

Every mother dreams of her toddler turning out sexy.

Honestly, that's what "Granddaughter" gets for posting that statistic.

Updated 5/13/13:

They can be the same. Liking your own status on Facebook is a form of fapping.

Also, why did you marry such a heavy, finger-giving man in the first place?

No, stupid, the Italian flag says "Viva Italy!"

The only fun fact about Nazism, actually.
 

Screw white ghosts for oppressing all the minority ghosts.

It's a meta caption of a meta photo. Whoa.

Updated 4/18/13:

Dogs have patience. Human dogs, less so.

What the hell did that bunny leave in your basket?
 

It's the legend of the ghost bridge! The bridge has returned from the dead for vengeance!

Looks like he took a break for some refreshment, and to steal your wallet.

The real tragedy is Walt letting his legotism control his decisions.

Welcome to your kitchen for the very first time. Now make some really spicy coffee.

Updated 3/19/13:

Um, I've been leading a double life. I'm really a cheezy stock photographer.

This horrible relationship is making us hungry!

The GOP has decided to run a citrus in 2016.

His balls are really good listeners.

Thought you meant congrads on my bomb new lid, brah. But that marriage shit, yeah, LOL.

Updated 2/19/13:

You have a new friend request from Galileo (Galileo) Galileo Figaro.

Bobby's obviously never done mescaline.

We usually name our pimple, Gus. Short for Disgusting.

Can we just switch our order to the spaghetti? If no one's had sex in it?

Even the cat looks angry that someone brought Blue Moon.

It's cool. He has a vagina underneath his left knee.

Updated 1/23/13:

They're lucky he didn't just tie pistols to their feet.

Game of Thrones is bound to use this as a plot-point eventually.

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She should end it with him. He clearly wishes he was dating Spider-Man.

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The best way to stop forest fires is with a crapload of "likes."

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Just having a pet dolphin would be enough for us. Or an Xbox, for that matter.
 

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What would humans and ducks ally against? Swans?

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Updated 12/17/12:

Wrong. It's a framed picture of a mirror being photobombed by a ceiling fan.

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Commenters love to shout at a hat out on a ledge.

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We feel bad for twin girls. They can't ask kids on the playground to "come and play with us" without scaring the hell out of them.

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"Don't miss Kohl's holiday blowout!" -John 3:16

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Our grandma used to make a great soul loaf. So tender, so eternal.

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We'd go with the Bieber. Just to learn the sequence of terrible decisions that led to him getting the same haircut as our sister's girlfriend.

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Your Facebook friends: Misunderstanding deep-throating hamsters since 2006.

Updated 11/26/12:

In nature you're never more than two inches away from poo. And by "nature" we mean "our office."

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People aren't that impressed when you train a man-parrot to talk.

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Peace in the Middle-East won't be achieved unless we all bond over the new C-class.

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He had to introduce himself to all the Taco Bells in the neighborhood.

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Still waiting for the day when this country will elect its first teensy president.

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Oh the humanity.
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No wonder his personals ad seeking "Women into baseball glove material" always went unanswered.
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Updated 10/26/12:

Looks like a girl in a bikini committing suicide to us. Eye of the beholder?

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Another episode of "Blame Autocorrect Or Call Social Services?"

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We're hungry and nauseous all at once.

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Seriously, who are they flipping the bird at? The Bravo channel?

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Like you'd still be able to see the top of the bridge.

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Why does this racist sexual inadequacy panic quiz have to implicate Gamestop?

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We thought every page on the internet was kind of called "Fapping."

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Updated 9/4/12:

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Updated 8/7/12:

Updated 7/16/12:

Updated 6/28/12:

Updated June 5, 2012:

Updated 5/7/12:

Updated 4/20/12:

Updated 3/29/12:

Updated 2/28/12:

If I can't touch her, then you can't either. (via Getty Images)

A vicious attack erupted at the Beyonce and Jay-Z concert at the Rose Bowl last night in Pasadena, CA. It had nothing to do with Solange.

Roberto Alcaraz-Garnica, 25, of San Diego was among 55,000 fans attending the Beyonce and Jay-Z concert Sunday night, but he was the only one to attempt sexual assault and then follow it up with some really weird shit. According to the Pasadena Star News, Alcaraz-Garnica groped a woman in her 20's, and when the women's boyfriends confronted the alleged attacker, a fight ensued, and the groper bit the tip of the boyfriend's finger off. 

Of course an alleged sexual assailant would go for just the tip. 

Gropey Finger-Biter was arrested for "sexual battery and mayhem, legally defined as disabling or disfiguring a part of a victim’s body" according to police and Los Angeles County booking records.

(by Myka Fox)

I chose this screenshot for the pretty girl. I'm still more ethical than The Atlantic.

HBO'sLast Week Tonight with John Oliver has been on the air for a few months now, and its in-depth takedowns of various crappy parts of American life have become a Monday morning blog staple. Hopefully, that won't change with this segment attacking the (not at all) proud tradition of disguising advertising as news stories. He highlights BuzzFeed as the masters of this genre, although they're only half-news. The real condemnation goes to the old-line news outlets that used to have strict rules about not mixing editorial and business, which used to be known as the "separation of church and state." By the way, you're really gonna want a Diet Coke after this, and also Ebola:

To be fair, as he points out, the reason this is happening is that consumers (you and me) refuse to pay for newspapers or sign up for their online paywalls. I mean, who reads more than 10 New York Times articles a month? Why would you possibly need more news than one article every three days? Absurd.

By the way, we're not a news site, so you may address your inquiries to advertising@someecards.com without feeling like you're destroying the remnants of America's journalistic traditions. We never had any to begin with.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Say it again slowly and clearly, what happened to Facebook?

Many of us remember the horrors of 8/1/14, the day Facebook went down for less than half an hour. A day that lives in infamy. 

I still remember exactly what I was doing. I was on Facebook, reading through my timeline, totally unaware that new statuses and puppy pics would not be added to the top of my feed. I was clueless for the first five minutes. 

That's when I got an email from my colleague, Bob Powers, saying that he thought Facebook might be down. I opened FB in a new tab to check: he was right.

Everyone responds to tragedy differently. I continued to read through my old timeline as though nothing had happened, burying my head in a sand of old couples' photos and statuses about breakfast. Bob reacted by looking outside himself, to chronicle the world's reaction to loss at large. 

And for some devastated people in Los Angeles, the only thing they could think to do was call 911. Lots of people called 911. 

Enough people called, in fact, that Sgt. Burton Brink of La Crescenta went to Twitter (backup Facebook) to handle their incoming concerns.

#Facebook is not a Law Enforcement issue, please don't call us about it being down, we don't know when FB will be back up!

— Sgt. Brink (@LASDBrink) August 1, 2014

You don't know when Facebook will be back up? What the hell is 911 for?  

Yes we got calls #facebookdown That is why I sent out my previous msg to prevent them. Unk number received on 911 or reg number TY #LASD

— Sgt. Brink (@LASDBrink) August 1, 2014

Pfft. Cops only wanting tax-paying citizens to call in for real emergencies. 

Next think you know, they'll start arresting us if we call them to complain about the quality of our drugs. 

(by Myka Fox)

Made for each other.(Via Instagram)
[Click image to enlarge]

Justin Bieber wants to antagonize every celebrity that crosses his path. Whether they're top of the A-list or bottom of the D-list, he's not leaving Ibiza until everyone he sees wants to finish the job that Orlando Bloom started.

Last night, he turned his aim at the Kardashian-Jenner conglomerate of celebu-borgs when he pressed his Brazilian prostitute infected mid-section against the hind-quarters of Mama Kris Jenner for the above Instagram snap. Not content to let the image speak for itself, Justin tagged daughters Kendall and Kylie Jenner in the post with the classy note, "who's your daddy".

Tool.

While, it's true, Bruce Jenner would probably spend millions in eye-lid tucks to get his face to look like Justin's, this is starting to get old fast. Does Bieber have any artillery not of the "I fucked something of yours" caliber? The Bloom-Bieber "Rumble In Ibiza" was by all accounts instigated by Justin taunting Orlando about his liaison with Miranda Kerr, and now he's telling the Jenner family deep bench, "Did your mom last night." 

Justin Bieber is basically just a mess of walking, talking, men's room stall graffiti. While we do not endorse violence, if anyone in Ibiza this weekend feels capable of throwing a punch that can connect, it'd probably be a real career boost for you. Talk to your management and see if it's the right move.

(by Bob Powers)

Imposter!

The discovery of the self is a kind of death. A being's sense of one-ness with the world is quickly murdered, and boundary walls rise up around the persona. Narcissism is born and begins to steer one's every thought and action. "I" is as lonely a word as any in the language.

This dog gets it.

(by Bob Powers)

"We're thirsty. Also, the sun is still shining."

Henriette Jonassen was having trouble putting her twin boys to bed due to the long summer days in Norway, so she tried putting them in different rooms, which one of her friends had suggested. Jonassen had her doubts, so she decided to film the experiment in order to show her friend the results.

Turns out, the boys agreed that it was a terrible idea. So much so, that they shared their thoughts on the matter every several seconds.

I don't know how much trouble she was having with the boys in the same room, but unless they were starting fires and tattooing each other, it's hard to imagine it being any worse.

When she posted the time-lapse video to her Facebook wall, people started sharing it, and it quickly went viral, getting over 600,000 views in a week. Most people found it funny. Others decided to be hurtful dicks, calling Jonassen a terrible mother and suggesting she try hitting her kids. A point she addressed on her blog:

"I live in Norway, and if we hit our kids we lose them. Thank god for that! I live in a peaceful country with low crime, and I love it here. Many of the people commenting on my youtube video said that they are spanking/hitting their children. They also said that they were spanked in their childhood, and that it didn’t affect them. Well, is that really true? It make them hurt their own children, because they grew up that way themselves. It’s wrong. But go ahead, treat your children however you want, that’s not my concern.

Jonassen says the boys are now back to "sleeping" in the same room, and both usually wind up in her bed at some point in the night. She says she's fine with that, which is good, because it looks like she doesn't have much of a choice.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

It leaves the yard with sunburnt skin, or else it gets the hose again.

Your neighbor is drunk, shirtless, and on your property again. Do you:

A) Say, "Who cares? I'll just go back inside and mind my business."

B) Grab a six pack and move the party to another neighbor's yard. 

C) Grab the hose and handle things Buffalo Bill style.

If you chose C, congrats! You are just like Ronak Kallianpur, whose neighbor chose his lawn to quietly protest sobriety. 

It's mesmerizing to watch as the drunk barely acknowledges the spray. It's like watching someone hose Gandhi himself, if Gandhi was the kind of drunk to call out the fact that it was the guy's mom's lawn. 

I wouldn't expect anything less from a guy who can calmly walk around with a nail in his head. 

(by Myka Fox)

They insist on using the USGH abbreviation all the time, even though it sounds
like someone with a lisp saying "ugh." (via Facebook)

The Union Street Guest House in the town of Hudson in upstate New York rests in the beautiful Hudson River Valley, and is an amazing spot to host your wedding. If you or any of your wedding guests say otherwise, they will fine the living crap out of you, to the tune of $500 (they also require 15 days notice for any room cancellations, so if you were planning on going there soon, it's too late to change your mind now). Here's what it says on their website (full text at bottom):

In short, if anyone doesn't like our hotel, it's because they're morons. (via USGH)

No, that is not an exaggeration. If anyone in your wedding party (the bride and groom are part of the wedding party, right?) or any of your wedding guests posts a negative review online, they will charge your credit card half a grand. They're not monsters, though, just extortionists: they'll refund the fine if you or your friends delete the negative review. 

This is a photo of someone losing a lot of money. (via USGH)

I actually have a lot of good things to say about the region this hotel is located it, with its historical mansions and homes of painters, as well as the vistas of the Hudson River that inspired the Hudson River School of American landscape painting. I don't have anything to say about this hotel, though, primarily because I don't have $500 to spend on online justice. Here's the full text of their policy:

Please know that despite the fact that wedding couples love Hudson and our Inn, your friends and families may not. This is due to the fact that your guests may not understand what we offer - therefore we expect you to explain that to them. USGH & Hudson are historic. The buildings here are old (but restored). Our bathrooms and kitchens are designed to look old in an artistic "vintage" way. Our furniture is mostly hip, period furniture that you would see in many design magazines. (although comfortable and functional - obviously all beds are brand new) If your guests are looking for a Marriott type hotel they may not like it here.
Therefore: If you have booked the Inn for a wedding or other type of event anywhere in the region and given us a deposit of any kind for guests to stay at USGH there will be a $500 fine that will be deducted from your deposit for every negative review of USGH placed on any internet site by anyone in your party and/or attending your wedding or event If you stay here to attend a wedding anywhere in the area and leave us a negative review on any internet site you agree to a $500. fine for each negative review. (Please NOTE we will not charge this fee &/or will refund this fee once the review is taken down). Also, please note that we only request this of wedding parties and for the reasons explained above. 

I will say one positive thing: they apparently have dogs in the lobby.

They also sic the dogs on people who post bad reviews. (via Facebook)

(by Johnny McNulty)

Wow, for once, a bae actually caught someone slippin. (via Instagram)

Kimye have proved that they are #1, at least among Kim Kardashian marriages.* They just hit an astounding 73 days of nuptial bliss, a full 24 hours longer than Kim's wedding to NBA player and semi-sentient rock-creature Kris Humphries. That's 1.4% more marriage and counting. Just in case you forgot the original wedding, here it is:

That ended so quickly, after selling so much advertising, that comedian Rob Delaney sued the Kardashians for fraud. Not Kimye, though. They're as real as...well as real as Kim and Kanye can be.

(by Johnny McNulty)

*(We don't count the first guy that she married at 19, because he was an abusive asshole who told her she needed liposuction and apparently was instrumental in leaking her sex tape.)

1. Disney Movie About Kidnapped Orphan Who Befriends Talking Raccoon Breaks August Box Office Records

Disney and Marvel Studios's gamble on a big budget, weirdo space opera filled with comic book characters no one's ever heard of ended up paying off, as Guardians of the Galaxy broke August box office records by earning $94.3 million in its domestic opening weekend and propelling its soundtrack full of songs everybody already has to the top of iTunes and Amazon's charts.

THIS IS THE FIRST GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY BACKLASH TWEET IN HISTORY

— scharpling (@scharpling) August 3, 2014

And I didn’t see Guardians of the Galaxy yet. But the backlash has to start somewhere.

— scharpling (@scharpling) August 3, 2014

2. House GOP Committee Finds No Wrongdoing In Benghazi, Meaning House GOP Will Soon Be Investigating House GOP

The Republican House Intelligence Committee is apparently finally prepared to release the long-awaited report on the Benghazi scandal, including detailed descriptions of all the malfeasance perpetrated by President Barack Obama and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately, according to panel member and Democrat Rep. Mike Thompson, the report "confirms that no one was deliberately misled, no military assets were withheld and no stand-down order (to U.S. forces) was given." Outrageous! How dare there be no wrongdoing?! This report is essentially the Benghazi of Benghazi reports.

What a wasted hashtag. :( #Benghazi

— Lizz Winstead (@lizzwinstead) August 4, 2014

3. Sandra Bullock Is This Year's Highest-Earning Actor Who Doesn't Have Boy Parts 

According to Forbes Magazine, Sandra Bullock—the Academy Award nominated star of the critically acclaimed sci-fi hit Gravity—was the highest-earning Hollywood actress from June 2013 to June 2014, earning $51 million and beating the Jennifers, Lawrence and Aniston, by $17 million and $20 million respectively. This makes her the third-highest-earning actor overall, coming in below Robert Downey, Jr. and Duane "The Rock" Johnson.

Homeless man threw a brick at my car today, nothing. Homeless man throws a brick at Sandra Bullock's car, she learns lessons, wins an Oscar.

— Gabe Delahaye (@gabedelahaye) July 22, 2014

4. Is America Ready For A Female Ghostbuster Team?

If a new rumor that's been buzzing around the Hollywood media is true, the new Ghostbusters movie, which nobody's really been all that excited about, might have actually just gotten a tiny bit interesting. Apparently, Bridesmaids and The Heat director Paul Feig might be helming the project with an all-female cast of paranormal exterminators. No word on who might be cast in such a film, but, considering her recent history with Feig, Melissa McCarthy seems like a pretty safe bet.

GHOSTBUSTERS 3 idea: Slimer has a neckbeard and a fedora and he's VERY unhappy & hostile about the team being women.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 4, 2014

5. Toledo Residents Get The Go Ahead To Drink Their Disgusting, Slime-Filled Water Again

The city of Toledo, Ohio is once again allowing its citizens to drink from the public water supply after tests found that the toxin microcystin, caused by an algal bloom in Lake Erie, is now at acceptable levels for human consumption. "Our water is safe," Mayor Michael Collins declared.

LA is so jealous right now of all the green juice toledo is getting for free

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) August 4, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)