Truly, we live in a brave and exciting time. 

Tipping is very important to our society. Without it, we wouldn't be able to pay people inhumanly low wages—one of the founding principles of America. So, to keep everything running along correctly, we all give a certain amount of our inhumanly low wages to the people with really inhumane wages so that we can still get someone to make the overpriced coffee that keeps our eyelids from collapsing at our own jobs. Of course, if you're wealthy, these tips don't really mean much, which is why they tend to make servers work so much harder for it.

I hope they accept brains as a tip, because this just blew my mind.

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I assure m'lady that I respect her more than any of the presidents on money. Really.

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Found at a college pizza place. Also, anywhere modern 20-somethings live.

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Science has shown that Squirtle is objectively the best, but hey, people like fire.

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Depends on which model of the USS Enterprise you are attempting to depict. 

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Apparently, someone read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and wisely gave a towel.

Updated 7/2/14:

This is the most perfect one-line summary of working in the service industry, ever. 

He looks a lot like Sad Keanu. ...And Keanu plays Neo, aka The One... *mind explodes*
 

That's BULLCRAP, Vader! We know you're just saving up for Death Star Three.
 

Ah HA! I TOLD YOU! Caught red-handed, mister. Or, red-disfigured-robo-handed, anyway.
 

-10 points for grossness, but +5 for having customers willing to read all of that.
 

You know, sometimes a straight-up "fuck yeah, money!" tip jar is better than any pun.

Updated 11/08/13:

But, what if I were to offer you a major tip augmentation?
 

Broke, addicted to drugs and having unsafe well-endowed sex is no way to go through life.
 

If you've got the cash to worry about boats capsizing, you can afford to tip.
 

So THAT's where that went.
 

It even has a working drawbridge in the back. Not really, but that would be neat. Legos!
 

Ohhhhhhhhh. I never could understand that lyric.
 

How's that hopey-tippy thing working out for you? Well? Oh. Ok, then.

Updated 10/04/13:

Maybe this tip jar will succeed where Sinead O'Connor failed.
 

Sadly, all the customers who might be sympathetic were home playing GTA V.
 

Baristas are like those tribal healers who absorb your pain and sickness for you.
 

Finding Mo-Ne.
 

Despite their slow land speeds, Sloths are excellent rocket pilots.

Updated 9/09/13:

If I could travel back in time, I'd stand behind Hitler in a cafe and tap my foot until he tipped.
 

Topical tipping? Typical.
 

Just slide that hot pizza grease all over my OW! OWOWOWO! OOOOUUUUCCCH HOT!
 

The ol' stick-it-to-the-man pitch. Real convincing, lemonade stand. "Boss"? More like "Dad."
 

Kitty's looking a little crosseyed to be holding such a sharp sword.
 

 
Just because he stopped wanting to go doesn't mean we can't still send him.

Updated 8/6/13: 

Sadly, Predator seems to have intercepted all the tips here.
 

Where is Sally Struthers when you most need her?
 

George Lucas must shop here, because no one else has a problem with Han shooting first.
 

Every time you don't tip, his agent picks a script at random.
 

I don't always draw the Most Interesting Man in the World, but when I do, he looks way different.
 

Idiots. Lord of the Rings is what happens when you graduate from Hogwarts.

Updated 7/05/13:

Though they have repressive policies, the sea monsters are staunch War on Terror allies.
 

It's really unfair that those mullets are assigned to kids already wearing top-to-bottom denim.
 

His French Roast style is no match for my Frozen Mochachino.
 

No one has ever gotten pissed enough to write more than a $20 complaint...yet.
 

This would be a lot cooler if dolphins weren't serial rapists. Seriously, Google it.
 

All tips welcome, including the tips of toes.
 

Careful, the $10 in Tupac's jar is actually just a hologram.
 

Sadly, this jar only went on to be a one-tip wonder.
 

Is this that one where the tips monster attempts racial cleansing of mudbloods?
 

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of gratuity.
 

I guess the previous tip drive for Walt to build a woman was successful.
 

Wow, either that currency is really weak or someone really agrees with Mr. Obama.
 

And if you're tipping under $1, it's also literally metal.
 

Paul Rudd. Baby seals grow up to be adults, but Paul Rudd will turn into a lemur in 2052.

Naaa na na na na na na na na na naAAAAAGGGHHHH!

There are two ways of looking at this video. One is to just see a rolling, inflatable technicolot monstrosity become a semi-dangerous but amusingly whimsical bowling ball on a crowded beach, all set to fun and goofy music. That sounds like a pretty good video to me, and I am sure you will enjoy it like that. The second way to look at this video is the way it was intended: a look inside the horrible reality of what a real-life game of Katamari Damacy (a video game where you play a tiny cosmic pronce who must roll up tiny objects like paper clips and pencil erasers until your ball gets bigger and biggger and you can pick up birds and then people and then eventually continents) would be like: delightfully horrifying. Summer's over, guys.

Fortunately, no one was scooped up, stuck to the side of a giant ball made up of every item on the planet, and then turned to stardust by the King of All Cosmos. If you've never played the game and have no clue what I'm talking about, here's a clip:

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. The New Incarnation Of 'The View' Will Be The Most Rosie-Dense Yet

ABC just announced that actress Rosie Perez will be joining Rosie O'Donnell in the newest incarnation of The View. With two Rosies on the show, this marks the largest influx of Rosies ever for the afternoon chat show. Even higher than 2006, Rosie O'Donnell was originally hired. Conservative political commentator Nicole Wallace will also be joining the all-female panel, though it is still unknown whether she will be allowed to keep her name as is.

Rosie Perez joining The View is huge news for my terrible Rosie Perez impression.

— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) September 4, 2014

2. Scarlett Johansson Just Had A Baby And Is Apparently A Huge 'Golden Girls' Fan

Actress Scarlett Johansson has given birth to a baby girl and, as an obvious homage to one of the greatest sitcoms in television history, has chosen to name the child Rose Dorothy. We wish the family all the best and greatly look forward to the arrival of Johansson and her partner Romain Dauriac's next baby Blanche Sophia. Unless their next one is a boy, in which case it will likely be named Sanford Son.

1st I thought, "I didn't know Scarlett Johansson was pregnant." Then I thought, "Why should I have known Sacrlett Johansson was pregnant?"

— W. Kamau Bell (@wkamaubell) September 5, 2014

3. Federal Judge Issues Devastating Combo Breaker — Says Louisiana's Gay Marriage Ban Is Constitutionally Sound

A federal judge in Louisiana has broken a 21 decision streak of court victories for marriage equality advocates by finding that the state's ban on gay marriage does not violate the U.S. Constitution. In his decision, the judge mused upon the idea that court-approved same sex marriage could lead to multitudinous difficult questions: "For example, must the states permit or recognize a marriage between an aunt and niece? Aunt and nephew? Brother/brother? Father and child? May minors marry? Must marriage be limited to only two people? What about a transgender spouse? Is such a union same-gender or male-female?" So, essentially, this judge is your college roommate after about three bong hits.

A Louisiana judge upheld state ban on gay marriage on grounds that "it's totally icky and violates the state's tradition of bigotry."

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) September 4, 2014

4. Virginia Gets Its Very First Felon Ex-Governor — Bob McDonnell Found Guilty Of Corruption

Virginia finally joined the Criminal Governor Club this week, after its former chief executive Bob McDonnell was convicted of 11 of 13 counts of corruption. Congratulations, Old Dominion State residents! Seeing your former head of state in prison orange can be a pretty heady experience. Enjoy this time while you can. Writing from Illinois, I can tell you that the whole thing can become pretty commonplace after a while.

Don't judge Bob McDonnell too harshly: Nobody likes doing invasive transvaginal ultrasound probes in a state of poverty.

— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) January 23, 2014

5. Your Dog Doesn't Care About Any Of That 'Good Boy' Shit, Just Get To Petting Already

According to a new study, dogs receive a greater sense of gratification from physical acts of affection, such as petting and ear-scratching, than from verbal ones, like saying "Good boy" or "I love you." I'm not a scientist, but I'm thinking that this might have something to do with the fact that dogs don't speak English.

I just told my dog, "I love you as much as any living thing could love another thing," but get the vibe he'd prefer I show it with old meat.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) September 5, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Robert Downey, Jr., seen here pointing at someone who will never forget it happened.

If you ever needed a good reason to get off drugs, consider the superhuman cool Robert Downey, Jr. has achieved since laying off the everythings. As we all know, Bobby DJ's biggest claim to international fame at this point is Iron Man, a movie with a plot based on a venerable series of comic books, featuring a genius, world-famous, billionaire playboy inventor tycoon with massive sex appeal (yet substance-troubled) for a main character, whose personality is at least partially based on the actor who plays him. So, it's no surprise that Robert Downey, Jr., stepping off an airplane in South Korea, was greeted to a pandemonium that could only have been more intense if he had announced that he was, himself, actually Iron Man, and flew off in a tech suit. 

On the other hand, it was probably pretty hard for him to see the guy holding up a little sign for his limo.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Nice knees, floozie! (via ABC)

On the third day of classes at her new high school in Orange Park, Florida, Miranda Larkin wore the skirt pictured above, which school officials considered too short because it didn't cover her knees. She was told she had three options: an in-school suspension, calling a relative to bring acceptable clothing, or wear the school's "dress-code-violation outfit," an ensemble consisting of yellow tee-shirt with "Dress Code Violation" on the front, and a pair of red sweatpants with the same words down the leg, just in case anyone missed the big, bold lettering on the shirt.

Miranda claims she wasn't told about the other options and that she had to wear the outfit. She told ABC News, “It was way too big. It didn’t fit. I got really upset and asked if I could call my mom. She was really upset, as well.”

Miranda had just relocated to Florida from Seattle just eight days before school started, and claims the violation was unintentional. Her mom told ABC News she feels her daughter was forced to wear what she calls a "shame suit," which she feels is less about teaching or punishment than it is about humiliation. She says it upset her daughter so much, she broke out in hives.

At least the hives match the pants. (via ABC)

Her mom said that before she contacted the media, she tried to deal with the school privately, but got nowhere. The school is standing by its policy. A spokesman said that if Miranda didn't want to wear the "shame suit," she shouldn't have violated the rules.

Now mom is considering filing a complaint with FERPA, The Federal Educational Rights and Privacy Act, which states that a student's disciplinary recored is supposed to be kept private. Mrs. Larkin thinks the school did some violating of its own by forcing her daughter to parade around school in a getup straight out of an episode of MSNBC's Lockup: Raw.

She may have a case. Even if her daughter violated the dress code, the outfit seems pretty extreme. Besides, do they even make dresses that go past the knee anymore? Even if they did, what girl is going to wear one in Florida in September, when it's still 90 degrees and humid?

Either way, considering that half of a kid's high school experience is about impressing other students and annoying teachers, I wouldn't be surprised to see the dress-code-violation outfit become the hot fashion trend of 2014.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Let's play a game called "fists or spears?" Just put your hands in front of him to play.

Let's get this out of the way: if "jumbo shrimp" is an oxymoron, this thing is an oxy-dumbest-person-on-the-planet. This gargantuan crustacean was caught Florida, a.k.a. America's Australia, which attracts almost as many crazy creatures as crazy people. Now, before we go any further, I really need you to know why this beast is so terrifying: scientists believe it's a mantis shrimp, which are some of the most vicious little shelled creatures on the seafloor. Here's a short and amusing clip that should explain it (I've queued it up to the part about how killer they are):

So, they come in two varieties, ones that punch their prey to death with the most powerful jab, pound for pound, in the animal kingdom, and ones that stab their prey to death with horrifying spearfists. The punching kind have been known to break the glass on their aquariums. The ones in the video were, at most, the length of a person's hand. The ones in these pictures, as you can see, have hands that are as long as a person's hands. It probably couldn't kill you, but it could likely give you a black eye, or, you know, stab you in the face. Scaled up from the mantis shrimps in that video, that would hurt a lot more than being pinched by a lobster. After fisherman Steve Bargeron caught this monster, in Fort Pierce, FL, he sent the pictures to the Florida Wildlife Conservation Commission, who promptly posted the freak on their Facebook page.

I hope science discovers more about this giant specimen, whether it's just representative of how big mantis shrimp can get (lobsters grow forever and are biologically immortal), or whether it's a new species of this terrifying power, hopefully one with the special ability to not kill everything it touches.

(by Johnny McNulty)

"I am, how you say? Completely unhinged."

A depressed Frenchman, 33, made an impressive bid for the title of "Worst Ex-Boyfriend Of The Year" with his spectacular failure to deal with being dumped by a now 32-year-old teacher back in 2011. The man had been admitted to the hospital for depression in the past, and for lack of a better word, he went completely f-ing nuts in the aftermath of this breakup, and called and texted his ex 21,807 times over the course of 10 months, an average of 73 incidents of harassment a day. Behavior which, appropriately, has earned him a 10-month prison sentence (6 months of which has been suspended) and a €1,000 ($1,300) fine.

The man pled guilty and accepted responsibility for his actions, of which he now says, "I tell myself, with hindsight, that it was stupid." And boy, was it. The deranged ex (all names have been withheld) convinced himself that his ex owed him payment, or at least thanks, for work he had done on her apartment while they were dating. As he explained in court in Lyon, France, "At the time, my logic was that until she returns the money … or at least says thank you, I would not stop the calls." He also told the court of his plans to one day be a legal assistant, and (as if he needed to say it) that he had a "passion for writing."

Naturally, the woman attempted to block him on her phone line, which according to the victim's lawyer, Manuella Spee, did not deter the psycho ex, "he phoned her parents instead and her workplace." In desperation, she arranged a meeting through a mediator and thanked him. Finally, the deluge stopped.

Fortunately for the horrible Frenchman, I hear prison has been great for French writers in the past.

(by Johnny McNulty)

I've had no idea what day it is, all week long.

Whiner of the pack.

Dogs are a lot like little children in the way they handle their emotions. When they want something, they want it now, and if they don't get their way, they're likely to throw a tantrum right then and there. Unlike most adults, who possess the emotional maturity to process their emotions and channel their frustration in more mature ways, like binge-eating or saying hurtful things to women on Tinder.

Unfortunately for the Husky in this clip, those options aren't available. So, when it's time to go home and he doesn't want to leave the dog park, he makes his feelings known by howling like a baby werewolf. It doesn't take Cesar Millan to figure out what he's saying, which is why the captioning is kind of unnecessary. Basically, this dog isn't done playing, and he's making anyone within a half-mile radius aware of that fact.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Back-to-school season is upon us, that special time when young women of growing intellect and raging hormonal release claim their desks in new classrooms and immediately begin scoping out their neighbors. What's going through their minds? No better way to tell than a peek at these 37 tweeted observations about "the guy sitting next to me in class."

The guy sitting next to me in class better put his shoes back on.

— Natalie Haroutunian (@natttyyy21) September 5, 2014

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this guy sitting next to me in class is eating beef jerky and I wanna puke

— Jennifer Herrarte (@jennherrarte) September 5, 2014

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This guy sitting next to me in class has a 'The Price is Right' ring.

— Alaina Ross (@ThatOneChiklit) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class is looking up how much it is to buy a Pomeranian puppy

— Maddy Johnson (@maddy_leigh9) September 4, 2014

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Oh shit hot buff smart guy sitting next to me in class...i smell trouble

— Sabrina Dee (@SabrinaDee32) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class is currently smoking a hookah pen.

— Erika Kenney (@erkalala) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class has the hiccups and I really want to scare him. Is that okay?!?

— Olive (@AliviaBroadway) September 4, 2014

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this guy sitting next to me in class has the WRONG idea , i do NOT like guys. 

— adrienne (@ayeadrienne_) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class smells so good. Is that creepy? Probably. Oh well.

— IsabelA (@isabelTPRFAN) September 4, 2014

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Almost licked the guy sitting next to me in class bc he smelt like cupcakes

— Brooke Sausage (@brookebaconnn) September 4, 2014

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To the girl flirting with the guy sitting next to me in class, please stop. Its annoying the shit out of me and I can't move.

— Natasha Uwekoolani (@NatashaaPoseyy) September 4, 2014

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Omfg this guy sitting next to me in class is asleep and snoring LOLOL

— Beverly Ly (@beviebee) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class smells like weed. Lol I guess if that's how you like to start your mornings then go 'head do your thang

— marisa (@marisuh_) September 4, 2014

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Hot British guy sitting next to me in class right now 

— no (@kiraeatsrice) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class has nicer and longer hair than I do...

— Shannon Harris (@shann_harr) September 4, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class is just looking up cat pictures on his laptop... Just cat picture after cat picture...

— Rachel (@Makeit_RACH) September 3, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class just got some nudes and he couldn't be happier

— Erin (@erinrichm0nd) September 3, 2014

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This guy sitting next to me in class offered me a jolly rancher & I took it but now he won't stop smiling at me 

— stephaniearaya (@stepharayaa) September 5, 2014

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guy sitting next to me in class has been touching his beard non stop

— Che (@chehem91) September 4, 2014

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This guy sitting next to me in class smells like straight dank 

— Gabriella (@_gabriellalg) September 3, 2014

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there was this guy sitting next to me in class that i got eyecontact with and i panicked and looked the other direction l m a o

— erika (@ranchrunda) September 3, 2014

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THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN CLASS IS DRAWING ME 

— Steph Cerniglia (@stephcerniglia) September 3, 2014

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I wish this guy sitting next to me in class could find a farther seat....like you know in hell.

— Miriam (@miriamekerns) September 3, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class has a folder on his computer labeled "turnt" .....

— Brianna (@DearBriannaa) September 3, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class told me happy birthday because he was over reading my messages

— Lauren.✝✨ (@Laurenlicious_2) September 3, 2014

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literally the guy sitting next to me in class keeps taking snapchats of me like DO YOU THINK I CANT SEE YOU DOING THAT

— iz (@iz_richie13) September 3, 2014

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Pretty sure this guy sitting next to me in class has the hots for me. No thanks padro. 

— Tori Freeman (@tori__freeman) September 3, 2014

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I'm pretty sure that the guy sitting next to me in class just took a picture of me...that's creepy 

— Dia. (@Raqueal_Monroe) September 2, 2014

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Hope the guy sitting next to me in class enjoyed the dick picture I just opened up

— walie hoody (@MakeYouWoody) September 2, 2014

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To the guy sitting next to me in class; please stop chewing and spitting tobacco in this three hour class. I'm about to vomit

— Krista (@kristaferrara) September 2, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class this morning was definitely drinking beer out of a water bottle and I would bet good money he was high.

— Lanéa Bushey (@LaneaGayle) September 2, 2014

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I am genuinely freaked out by the guy sitting next to me in class.

— Paige Wotring (@PaigeWotring1) September 2, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class nonchalantly stuck his hand down his pants and never took it out. You get that itch man.

— Shelby Vignes (@ShelbyVignes) September 2, 2014

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I look like a boy according to the guy sitting next to me in class :-)

— Katrina Herrington (@Katrinaa_Jadee) September 2, 2014

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The guy sitting next to me in class is sugar and spice and all things nice 

— Gabriella (@_gabriellalg) September 2, 2014

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Guy sitting next to me in class smells like his cologne was hand crafted by angels.

— Janelle Jones (@Love_Jones56) August 29, 2014

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yo, the guy sitting next to me in class, is watching porn. 

— ❀ (@alexabjornel) August 28, 2014

(by Bob Powers)

"In your face! And in my pocket!"

This Australian father appears to have a fantastic relationship with his daughter. Hopefully, their bond is strong enough to withstand the potential strain created by dad's miracle basketball shot, which made him the winner of a bet freeing him from the responsibility of paying "even one dollar" for anything his daughter may want for the rest of her life. His entire financial responsibility as a parent was riding on a no-look, reverse shot in the family's backyard court.

Dad was clearly feeling the pressure, because he threw up an absolute brick, which didn't appear to have prayer of going in before it bounced off the fence and into the hoop.

The daughter could make the argument that dad lost the bet. Because, as has been pointed out in the YouTube comments (along with cries of "fake!" and "vertical!"), dad technically missed the shot once the ball sailed past the hoop, sending it out of bounds before the fence intervened. 

Either way, I have a feeling these two will be able to work out dad's financial obligations on the basketball court, and not a court of law.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

"It's good to make people happy." - this kid

Be honest now. If you were sitting in the stands of a baseball game, and somebody straight up handed you a foul ball, what would you say is the over-under on whether you'd turn right around and hand it off to some adorable awestruck girl sitting behind you? And I don't mean if you were a 12-year-old kid like Ryan here. I mean you. Right now. As a grown ass adult who ostensibly understands how world-shaping these kinds of things can be for children.

I'd like to believe that I would turn the ball over to the little starry-eyed Reese sitting behind me, my heart swelling with pride as an enormous smile grows across the girl's face. I'd like to believe that.

But I have a nagging sensation that what I'd actually do is pump my fist and woo-hoo as loud as possible. And if I even happened to notice the dejected expression on Reese's face afterward, I'd probably get sad and think to myself: "Aw, somebody should get that girl a ball." Then I'd text my wife and tell her I'm a winner!

(by Dennis DiClaudio)