Jules, a student at FSU and Tinder user, received the ultimate honest message from a guy named Derek. Derek, who appears to think way too hard about the future for someone using a site that requires you to quickly swipe left or right, laid out how their entire relationship would go based on her reply.

But wait! There's more:

Jules shared the message on Twitter, promising her Tinder days are over. But actually, Derek's weird little plan worked. Jules told BuzzFeed News she thought his message was "hilarious!" She elaborated, "Guys always try to impress girls on Tinder or sound creative and funny but his post actually made me laugh."

Go charge your phone now, Jules.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

The best career motivator is to never get torn a new one by your mom again.(Via)

We complain about the parents posting their pics of their kids all the time, but one day those same parents will serve an important role. When those kids grow up and stop being adorable, we need their parents to smack them down when they start smearing their bratty, self-obsessed crap all over our feeds. Here are some moms and dads who are making Facebook a better, and more entertaining place for the rest of us.

Being a mom doesn't make you blind to when someone throws you a softball. (Via)

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Dad just can't let the baby fly the nest. (Via)

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She's been getting a vibe off you. She needed to draw the boundaries. (Via)

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Stop acting shocked. Alcohol is responsible for nearly all human life on this planet. (Via)

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Updated 9/4/14:

Don't interrupt your kid. He's clearly high as a kite.(Via)

Don't dare her, Mom. And don't look at her Snapchats, either.(Via)

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There should be a law against parents using words like "fap."(Via)

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You really want him crying all over the power tools? They'll rust! (Via)

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Honesty is a virtue in that household.(Via)

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She just knows that the Internet has eaten into a lot of the profits.(Via)

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Posted 8/5/14:

Change "feeling loved" to "feeling hassled."(User Submission)

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This is one easily frightened thug. (via)

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Nice bedtime story dad. (via) 

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Dad has regrets. Well, one regret. (Via)

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The drugs impaired his ability to understand how social networking works. (Via)

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There'd be fewer pimp daddies with more anti-pimp mommies like this one. (Via)

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Mom's got that shit on lock-down.(Via)

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It's called "I Empty The Dishwasher And Cat Box Every Night
Since You Broke Up With Me." Get it right, Dad. (Via)

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Kids today. Always trying to look like they lifted themselves up by their own bootstraps. (Via)

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Sam likes what he likes. Let love flourish! (Via)

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The fame went to his head. (Via)

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And he remembers it fondly, apparently. (Via)

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You are your father's son, even in ways you wish you never knew. (Via)

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Then run your left hand under water because you just got burned.(Via)

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 Thanksgiving is hell when a liberal teen is in the house. (Via)

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His Facebook life then? (Via)

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When you and your mom compete over meth consumption, time to leave Facebook.(Via)

(by Bob Powers)

Where's my pizza, human?

Aw hell yeah. It's been a long week, and Alfred the cat has been looking forward to this moment all day: kicking back in his favorite lap with the last drop of his human's lukewarm beer. This is what it's all about, people. Those fine 13 seconds of thirst-quenching gratification. Time to go roll a catnip joint and bliss out on top of the TV for a few hours.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

I came here to get to Miami and bust a move, and I'm temporarily out of getting to Miami.

Motorcycles are dangerous, they said. You'll die, they said. Girls' fathers will get stereotypical and ban them from dating you, they belabored the point. You know what they didn't say? Motorcycles will make you look cool. Actually, they did say that. But they left out the part where motorcycles let you pursue your true passion: dance!

Sure, those lameoids in cars (or "cardigans") can dance, but only in a way that recreates either that scene from 'Rush Hour' or the opening credits to 'That 70s Show'. Losers. Of course, if traffic is completely stopped, they can always get out and limbo.

(by Johnny McNulty)

1. The Head Of The Secret Service Has Stepped Down... Obviously

In the wake of a number of extremely embarrassing and potentially catastrophic missteps by the federal agents tasked with keeping the President safe, Secret Service chief Julia Pierson—who said she wanted the agency to be more "friendly, inviting" and "like Disney World "—has decided to step down and let somebody else do a terrible job running the agency for a while. 

With Secret Service director Julia Pierson's resignation, Obama's security will be led by Fox News, which needs him around more than anyone.

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) October 1, 2014

2. Quentin Tarantino Has Figured Out A Brand New Way To Force His Weird Movie Obsessions Onto Other People

Celebrated filmmaker Quentin Tarantino—seemingly dissatisfied with only getting to force feed people his bizarre obsessions with obscure foreign films and trashy '70s-era exploitation by proxy through his own projects—has taken over programming duties at New Beverly Cinema so that he may choose just what weird diet of Italian horror flicks and Richard Roundtree vehicles he thinks the theater's patrons should be consuming. 

Quentin Tarantino has taken over a Los Angeles movie house. Finally, a grindhouse theater willing to show "Grindhouse."

— Mike Spiegelman (@Spiegelmania) September 8, 2014

3. Netflix Bought The Rights To The 'Jack & Jill's And 'Grown Ups 2's Of The Future

In their continued quest to bring only the highest quality content to its customers, online streaming service Netflix has just inked a deal to finance and distribute the next four movies produced by Adam Sandler's Happy Madison Productions. Fingers crossed that this means we might soon be getting the long-awaiting sequel to I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.

This Netflix deal is perfect; if Adam Sandler's gonna phone in performances why must his fans be forced to get off their asses to see him?

— Tom Ceraulo (@tceraulo) October 2, 2014

4. The Mila Kunis-Ashton Kutcher Baby Unfortunately Turns Out To Not Be An Incredibly Elaborate Punk On All Of Us

It would appear as though extremely attractive actress Mila Kunis is actually in a real substantive relationship with Two and a Half Men co-star Ashton Kutcher. According to reports, Kunis gave birth to their first child on Tuesday, so if this is in fact a practical joke, it's an extremely elaborate one.

I almost read an entire article on Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis' love affair before I realized no one was making me

— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) June 3, 2014

5. Atheists Are Filling The Interminable-Sunday-Morning-Service-Shaped Hole In Their Hearts

You may not believe that there is a man in the sky who frowns down upon all the dumb things you do in your life, but that's no longer a good excuse for not waking up early on Sunday mornings to listen to a bunch of people talk about a bunch of boring stuff. There's apparently a new trend of churches for atheists opening up around the country.

On a long enough timeline, all comment threads degenerate into atheists shouting at everyone

— allisonkilkenny (@allisonkilkenny) June 18, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Advertising is a tool that lets consumers know which car insurance is the funniest.

I wonder if when the guy with Ebola called in sick he threw in a fake cough, or was like, "They know. They're not giving me crap for this."

This guy's like a Khan Academy for teaching you how to be a functional human.

Will Reid, a very frustrated English dad, made a YouTube video a month ago to passive-aggressively explain to his teenage kids how to change a toilet paper roll. It was an instant success as frustrated parents and everyone else who hates teenagers (read: everyone who's not a teenager), and perhaps a few curious teens, enjoyed hearing him patiently explain this simple task that kids 13-19 seem utterly incapable of understanding. This week, Reid tackled a slightly more complicated procedure: putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them all over the house.

Frankly, I think it might be too early to start introducing kids to such an advanced concept right after toilet paper. Maybe he should have done "lifting a garbage bag up and carrying it outside" first. 

(by Johnny McNulty)

New Jersey is a state where you're never more than an hour away from a place you'd rather live.

The one where I looked longingly out the window.

by Myka Fox

At first, I was against the Friends Central Perk coffee shop that suddenly appeared in SoHo. It was just one step too far in a weird cycle of life imitating art imitating life. Yes, the city is supposed to evolve and change, but not into a twenty-year-old televised version of itself. 

Frustrated, I Instagrammed a picture of the facade, the shop not yet open but already flanked by tourists, and a friend of mine commented that this was a sign that New York was over and that I should move back to LA. At least in Los Angeles, I guess, things were always fake to begin with – an honest kind of fake. But then I learned that the Central Perk was just a temporary nostalgia pop-up shop erected to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the show and, most importantly, it was going to go away.

I noticed the shop because its line wrapped twice around the building, and remained like that for a full week. At one point, I asked one of the Central Perk security team how long the wait was to get in, and they told me it would be two hours. Why would anyone do that? In my case, it was to find out what could possibly be worth waiting two hours for, and also to get an article out of it. So, yesterday, on a drizzly morning, I prepared to face the line and see for myself what was so exciting about it. A little research told me I would be treated to a museum of Friends memorabilia and a cup of free coffee. A sort of Friends with benefits, if you will. In anticipation, I borrowed some of my roommate's energizing citrus-and-ginger body wash because I'm totally a Rachel.

Even though I was promised a free cup of coffee, I stopped off at the deli to grab myself some anyway, terrified that I might be trapped in a long line without any caffeine in my system. I was waiting to cross the street when I noticed the line: it was short.

I was disappointed. I was hoping that waiting in the long line would somehow imbue the experience with excitement and intrigue, and that I would become desperate to get inside and see the wonders of Central Perk. Instead, the short line had all the excitement of waiting for the bodega guy to take too long to make your sandwich.

Once I realized that my Central Perk coffee was only ten minutes away, I put my line coffee on the ground and took stock of what was going on. The visitors were mostly women, and I began to have a flashback to that one time I was tricked into going on the Sex and the City bus tour. No one on that bus wanted to answer whether or not they preferred Aidan to Big, they just wanted to take some pictures and feel like they had done something in New York. 

The crew standing at the entrance and exit wore Central Perk shirts with the phrase "How You Brewing?" on the back, an homage to Joey's classic catchphrase, and the fact that the shop was equal parts Friends museum and coffee commercial for Eight O'Clock Coffee. 

Most of the crew seemed cheerful, but in these situations there is always one that takes the fake enthusiasm too far. In this case, it was the woman welcoming you in at the front. Maybe she had said "hello" to too many people, or maybe she was cracked out on all the free java, but she had a certain intensity. Also, she couldn't stop dancing. Her frenetic side-stepping was the truest indicator of what this place was going to be: a tourist's hell trap.

Beware what lies ahead!

I got to the front of the line in five minutes, and the man asked me how many were in my party. That's when I realized it: I didn't have any friends.

"Just me," I say. "My real friends are the ones from the show," I added to be weird. His smile disappeared.

To my surprise, the woman behind me also answered that she was alone. Dare I make a friend?

Her accent sounded British as she told me that she was only in town for work for one day. 

"Wow," I said, "and you chose to do this?"

"Yes," she replied. "I'm only here for a day, so of course, I had to come."

I tried not to sound scared. "What else did you hope to see?"

"Rockefeller Center."

Ah yes, Rockefeller Center and the fake Central Perk, the classics. 

We were both let inside at the same time, and then the girl and I immediately pretended like we had not just had a conversation. Who needs friends when you have Friends?

The "museum" part of Central Perk existed right in the entrance. Literally, if you wanted to take a look at the first item, you pretty much had to stand in the doorway next to the dancing greeter. It was worth it though, because the first item was this:

The one with the dog statue that got trapped in the corner.

Who can forget When Joey bought all that tacky crap after landing a huge role on Days of Our Lives in Season 2? I almost did! That happened in 1996!

Then there were a few more, larger artifacts...

The one where Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Joey all had no heads.

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The one where that troll came to life and killed everyone in a toy factory.

There was a box of smaller stuff.

The one where Phoebe and Joey made a bunch of money doing porn.

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The one where Rachel had the second part of her baby. 

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The one where two of them got married.

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The one where I took a really blurry picture of Monica's wedding vows.

There was also "Science Boy," Ross's comic book featuring a superhero whose special power is a superhuman thirst for knowledge, a fuzzy sonogram of Rachel's baby, and the list of 5 famous people Ross can sleep with  (1. Uma Thurman, 2. Isabella Rossellini 3. Elizabeth Hurley, 4. Vanessa Williams, 5. Dorothy Hamill), but by this time I'm regretting abandoning my line-coffee and I'm ready for my free cup. 

I walk up to the coffee bar, and, thank god, there is a woman dancing to En Vogue. 

The one where she realized he was a mighty good man.

Why do the women here dance? Is it because up until this point, they've been playing non-stop jams from the Friends era? I had to put my question aside for the moment, because even though I looked desperate for coffee, another woman working there was responsible for getting me to vote on how many coffee beans were in this jar. 

The one where I have no idea, just give me my coffee.

I guessed 400,000.

The lady shook her head at me and said, "Don't guess an even number. They would never put an even number in."

This made me irrationally mad. The woman told me they changed the number every day, so it could have just as easily been an even number as an odd one. Not to mention, I was pretty sure I guessed a ridiculously high amount anyway because I had no idea how many beans were in there and I just wanted some coffee. She would't let me move on without taking her advice even though she said she didn't actually know how many were in there, and I was hating her. I chose 423,364 and she seemed ok with that. Then she told me I couldn't register my vote without including my email and I almost threw a Ross-style hissy fit. Instead, I gave her my email. 

She walked away, and I never saw anyone else being asked to guess how many beans there were for the rest of my time there. Did she ever really exist? 

The one where I become disappointed that Gunther is not behind the counter. 

As a reward, I received my free cup. There were four options, including a "caramel macchiato" that was definitely not a macchiato because there was no milk or foam in any of the drinks. I chose an espresso and got a full cup of the hottest coffee possible. If that McDonald's woman had gotten coffee from here instead, she would have actually died. 

I immediately put my cup down before it melted my skin and looked around. The shop was not too crowded, there were a few people buying merchandise (the shirts were already sold out), but the main attraction was at the end: the couch. 

The one where there would be tables behind this couch instead of a window, but whatever.

I took a pause as the nostalgia flooded in. Thats where they sat. That's that couch from that show I liked and still kinda do. Even though Friends started 20 years ago, it never really went away. 

They took my camera for me and snapped a couple shots. I am not proud of this picture; I mimicked my pose after the person before me (on many occasions, people have told me that I behave like I am about to get in trouble, so after being warned to keep my coffee far away from the couch, I felt like I would be out of line even to sit on it), but I feel like you guys have gone on this journey with me and deserve this:

The one where I am a tiny rain-soaked human on giant TV couch. 

I sat in the spot on the couch that looked very well worn. Every couch has an ass print, but this couch was usually occupied by many people at once. Who left this ass print?

The one where Matthew Perry was "fat" for a season.

My guess is it was Matthew Perry from when he got fat and went through that painkiller addiction phase. I searched the cushions for pills but no such luck. 

They also took a "professional" one that I found out later also required an email. This time I gave them MonicaGeller@yahoo.com because I felt like she would still have a yahoo account. There is probably a fan who actually has that account who is now going to receive this picture:

The one.

I stopped watching Friends by the time it got to the last season, and similarly I probably won't return to the pop-up shop before it closes (unless I'm looking for some hot magma to exfoliate my hands). But quite possibly, in twenty years, when they erect a pop-up shop commemorating the 20-year anniversary of the Friends Central Perk pop-up shop, I'll have long since left for LA, but some girl will walk by, become irrationally annoyed, and then sit in my ass indentation. 

A cactus is a Mexican tree.

It's coming right at us!!!!

Of course you want to know what it would feel like to lie down on a train track and watch a train speed over top of us as the ground shakes, the rails shimmy and sunlight comes strobing in between the vehicle's massive steel wheels. But—I can't stress this enough—do not attempt to get first hand experience of this. That's a great way to also experience premature death.

If you simply must indulge your curiosity, do it via this video created when someone placed his GoPro in the path of a coming locomotive:

According to legend, when Auguste and Louis Lumière's 1895 short documentary film The Arrival of a Train at La Ciotat Station was first screened for audiences, inexperienced moviegoers were so overwhelmed by the image of a train racing toward them that many panicked and ran screaming to the back of the room. I always thought that was silly. But now I kinda get it.

This video sort of freaked me out. Obviously, I fully understand that it's merely the illusion of movement on my computer monitor—and I did only scream a little bit—but it was still a pretty intense experience. I'm now doubling down on my dedication to not ending up underneath any trains in real life.

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

When your poop is frozen, take a laxative.

Just when I thought we were done with "Let It Go" parodies, "Let Me Poop" came along and changed everything. Though it seems inaccurate to call this a parody when Emily Mandelbaum, the little girl singing, gives no indication she means for this song to be funny. Instead, it feels more like Emily heard the melody of "Let It Go" and thought, "Yes. That melody will allow me to best express my feelings about pooping." 

She sings with the intensity of a much older woman about her "stomach growling with the poop that is inside." When she reaches the stirring crescendo of "oh my god now I feel like I have to pee," you may find your own bowels start rumbling. Don't let it go until you reach the bathroom.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Still learning the Baby Elephant Walk.

This little baby elephant is so cute trying to get up the steps. Despite the fact that one day he will tower over them, last month he just couldn't do it, and ended up tumbling backward. 

His awkward body can't manage to right himself onto his feet, but he doesn't need to because mom and dad race over to take care of their baby, and remain with him till the excitement subsides. 

So concerned and loving! The concerned noises they make as they rush over to their little (von baby!) elephant prove that they are just as good at parenting as any human.

(by Myka Fox)