I get it.

"How does lions run faster?" "Metal legs."

If that joke made you laugh, you may enjoy Bad Kids Jokes, a tumblr that collects the weird, confusing, and totally inappropriate jokes kids submit to a kids' jokes website.

The person behind the site writes:

I moderate jokes on a Kids Jokes website. A lot of joke submissions can't be published because they don't make any sense, the child got a genuine joke completely wrong, or they're a bit too rude for kids... so I publish them here instead. I have not edited or made up any of these jokes.

With comical punctuation, wanton use of capitalization, and lots and lots of non sequiturs, the jokes on the site will definitely make you laugh, especially the longer you keep reading the archives.

Here are some of our favorites. You can enjoy more bad kids jokes here.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

(file photo; screengrabs via Bad Kids Jokes)

Baking is hate made visible. (Via Getty Images)

Anyone who has been following the Wasp lifestyle feud between Grand Damme ex-con Martha Stewart and homemaker wanna-be Gwyneth Paltrow surely recalls the six-page spread of Thanksgiving pies Martha put in her magazine titled "Conscious Coupling."

The homage to Paltrow and her now ex-husband Chris Martin's eye-roll-worthy divorce announcement (their "conscious uncoupling," like anyone could forget. Eyeroll. Barf.) was the most recent in a series of mostly unprovoked attacks Stewart has made against Paltrow. I say unprovoked because, while Martha seems worried that Gwyn is horning in on her lifestyle brand, Paltrow's non-stop juice fasts and articles about "finding the right curling iron for your hair" is nowhere near the breadth and scope of Martha's well-cultivated recipes and impossible crafts.

Nevertheless, Martha insists on dragging paltry Paltrow through the mud by her pale limp locks because, although Stewart seems all prim and proper, underneath it all she is a stone cold killer who is ready to cut any false-guru who is encroaching on her territory.

Yesterday, Gwyneth proved she's not scared of the big bad MILF. Gwynie-poo published her own Thanksgiving subtext dessert on Goop: Jailbird cake.

Hey Martha, eat me. (Via Goop)

It looks gross, but don't worry. You're not supposed to eat it unless you also spent five months in jail and then later told Gwyneth to shut the hell up.

Miss Paltrow describes her "Easy, No-Bake Desert":

"Every Thanksgiving, we put a ton of elbow grease into our turkeys—and all the requisite sides. And then, we literally have no energy left to pour into the dessert (it's usually store-bought, if we're honest).This year, we decided to pull together some decidedly un-goop, unhealthy dessert recipes—they're all simple, gratifying, and hugely crowd-pleasing."

Then she puts out this totally disgusting (and decidedly un-goop) recipe of store bought wafers and whip cream. She would never serve that to her guests, let alone insult her tongue by even tasting it. No, this is a whipped cream insult that you are supposed to chill in the refrigerator for 24 hours because revenge is a dish best served cold.

(by Myka Fox)

5. The ten Long Island postal workers who were caught sleeping on the job.

(via ThinkStock)

I'm counting these ten fired postal workers as one because, collectively, these USPS mechanics barely did the work of a single person. Not to say they didn't work hard, they just didn't work hard at fixing postal trucks, which is what they were being paid to do during the graveyard shift hours of 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. Instead, they focused their efforts on an elaborate scheme to get in as much shut-eye as possible. According the the NY Daily News the snoozing crew "covered windows with cardboard, locked gates with chains they brought from home and even hung a baby monitor nearby." After a good night's sleep, they would then send un-repaired, potentially unsafe vehicles back on the road. After receiving an anonymous tip, agents delivered an early morning wake-up call last week and the entire crew were fired.

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4. The New Jersey cop who liked to pull out his dick after pulling over drivers.

(via ThinkStock)

It's never good when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Especially when the answer to that question is "to show you my penis." That's the answer New Jersey cop Jason Miller was looking for. His move was to pull over guys, then approach the car and ask if they noticed his zipper was down. If they bothered to look, they also would've noticed that his dick was hanging out. Not only does Miller sound like a freak, he's also an idiot, because the surveillance video on his patrol car captured him pulling his dick trick on five separate occasions. What's worse, he failed to issue sobriety tests to drivers who admitted to drinking. Instead, he let them drive off, satisfied that a good look at his penis was punishment enough. Miller was arrested on Monday and suspended indefinitely without pay.

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3. The San Diego man who stabbed a potential employer during a job interview.

(via ThinkStock)

Jose Lopez will not only still be looking for work next week, he also could be looking at several years in prison. He showed up drunk to a job interview in El Cajon, California on Monday, and when his potential employer asked him about the alcohol on his breath, he answered by stabbing the guy in the arm and running off. Unless the job you're applying for is with a Mexican drug cartel, that's not the attitude employers are looking for. Cops, on the other hand, were very interested in Lopez, who made it easy for them to find him for a follow-up interview after leaving the filled-out job application at the scene of the crime.

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2. The high school headmaster who was filmed by students having sex another teacher.

(via ThinkStock)

Looks like Drago Kamenik took the title of "headmaster" quite literally. Because he was filmed by students giving head to another teacher in a classroom at his Maribor, Slovenia high school. Students heard noises that didn't sound like studying coming from the room and found Kamenik with his head between the legs of math teacher Manja Mertelj. The headmaster must have been pretty focused on his work—as well as pretty good at it—because neither nor Mertelj noticed the students filming them. The NSFW video has since gone viral, and Kamenik isn't happy about it. At first, he threatened to sue the students, and now denies it's him in the video, claiming that it's been "photoshopped."

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1. The milkman who was fired after admitting on TV that he had sex on his rounds.

Ladies love a guy in uniform. Evidently, even when it's a milkman uniform. At least when it's being worn by Shaun Dadds, a driver for Dairy Crest Milk & More in Gloucestershire, England. The "more" Dodd was delivering was sausage to a number of ladies on his route. His wife suspected him of cheating, and arranged for him to take a lie detector test on a daytime television show during a segment called "is my husband cheating on his milk round?". He was. When the segment aired on the Jeremy Kyle show, he was promptly sacked from his job.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

At the beginning of October, Papa John's announced a promo for 50% off online orders the day after a Philadelphia 76ers win. "#Sixers Win, You Win," announced a tweet from the Sixers' official account.

#Sixers Win, You Win. Details: http://t.co/xqZdyDSn4Xpic.twitter.com/Ic35jDDJUK
— Philadelphia 76ers (@Sixers) October 9, 2014

Trouble is, the Sixers didn't win. And then they didn't win again. In fact, they're 0-11 so far this season. As it was, Sixers fans didn't have much hope they'd be getting big pizza discounts:

@addymigs@fadyk22 that will probably be about 5 times
— Bones Jones Smith (@craigJRsmith) October 9, 2014

But the Sixers are having an even rougher start to their season than fans expected. Papa John's didn't want Philadelphians to go pizza-less, so yesterday, they made their discount a little easier to get:

The sweet taste of defeat by a smaller margin. (via CrossingBroad)

Now Sixers' fans get 50% off the day after the team scores 90 points or more. Hooray for cheap pizza, but this is sort of embarrassing. Maybe the NBA should think about making things a little easier for the Sixers, too? Lower basket?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Ever have one of those days when your skyscraper disappears? (via Sina Weibo)

With all the craziness Mother Nature has been unloading on Western New York recently, it might be easy to forget that Uncle Humanity is capable of turning the sky into a horror film as well. Even if you are a staunch climate change denier, anyone who remembers the mid-20th Century or has lived in California or Texas knows smog is real, and it sucks (like that time in the '50s when it killed a bunch of people in London). Beijing is like that pretty much every day, as this photo series from Beijing resident Zou Yi posted to Sina Weibo (China's Twitter, sort of) dramatically shows. Zou takes a photo every morning of the BTV tower in Beijing from the same angle at the same exact time, and pairs it with the day's Air Quality Index reading. Zou's blog is named, appropriately, 'Understandable At A Glance.'

The translation isn't great, but for context: in the US, air stops being rated "good" at 50.
(via Sina Weibo)

As Zou told Chinese media, "A picture is worth a thousand words. If you see the same place, at the same time over a full year, the quality of the air becomes perceptible immediately. I hope that after seeing the pictures people will start to pay attention to and protect our living environment. Data and theories are too abstract, but pictures can give a much more vivid picture."

It seems like the really clear days threaten to overwhelm his camera.
(via Sina Weibo)

We (and everyone else) covered it when Beijing had record-breaking air pollution in 2013, and also how they magically turned the skies blue for the Olympics (by turning off tens of thousands of coal-powered plants and factories, and shooting chemicals into the sky to cause rain).

It looks like the Eye of Sauron should be on top, but it left due to itchy conditions.
(via Sina Weibo)

The Chinese Communist Party most recently cleared the skies out this month from 11/1 to 11/11 for the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation forum (where Obama and the Chinese signed a major climate deal, in part due to Beijing angst over their normally-grey skies), and even coined the sky's color "APEC Blue," I guess pretending that the good weather was merely brought by good fortune. They also temporarily censored US smog readings taken independently from the Beijing embassy.

No more APEC Blue pic.twitter.com/PsM0Vdq43W
— Scott Murdoch (@murdochsj) November 19, 2014

Now that APEC is over, however, so are the clear skies, and Zhou's photo series is getting attention, even in China. (Check out this South China Morning Post video montage of pollution returning to Beijing.) Unlike most stories of a Chinese citizen openly discussing any sort of major problem, at least we don't have to worry he'll be hauled off and re-educated for this. The state-run media has picked up the images, and China Radio International quoted Zhou as hoping his photos "will cause more people to realize the significance of protecting the environment."

The week since APEC ended (from most recent to least recent).
(via Sina Weibo)

This reminds me of Claude Monet painting Westminster and the Rouen Cathedral at all different times of day to show how light changes a subject, except it's the same time of day and the differences in light come from a much more depressing source.

Smogcolor is the new watercolor. (via Sina Weibo)

Many China watchers are pointing to this as proof that the CCP is taking pollution seriously. I guess all it takes is years of black-lung-inducing skies, thousands of dead pigs floating in your rivers, and mysterious pink ooze seeping up through your streets like it's Ghostbusters 2 over there.

(by Johnny McNulty)

TL;DR! When will they just design the "Bro, I'm Gay" and "It's cool, Bro" emojis?
(via @paleveil on Twitter)

"Broin' Out" has a whole new meaning, thanks to these 13-year-old "bros" who won the web's heart this week.

The Internet loves nothing more than dubious but nonetheless heartwarming examples of people showing basic human decency in response to other people's sexuality, which is why this text-screen documentation of a friend not being a monster to his friend's revelation that he's gay has already been retweeted more than 30,000 times.

(Via)

(Via)

(Via)

The exchange was shared by Twitter user @paleveil, the older sister of one of the bros in question. Probably the straight-but-not-narrow bro, but could just as well be the openly-gay-but-still-a-bro bro. Either way, big sis is a total bro for letting us all bro out together over this.

(by Bob Powers)

Really subtle.

The lack of eye contact, the briefest of glimpses at what's being traded, the quickness with which the whole thing is over—the only way these two screwed up their perfect, nonchalant drug deal was by doing it in the background of a live local newscast.

These shady dudes in the background of what appears to be coverage of a Worcester, Massachusetts blizzard last winter are making the Internet rounds today, because the Internet loves nothing more than drug dealers doing stupid shit.

Watch all the way to the end to see the anchors barely keeping it together:

Maybe they're just trading hand warmers? Looks chilly out.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

1. Republicans: Obama Must Be Punished For Improving Lives Of Four Million Human Beings

Congressional Republicans are extremely angry with President Obama for using his executive powers to unilaterally overhaul immigration in the United States and allow four million undocumented workers to begin the process of becoming legal residents without fear of deportation. "With this action, the president has chosen to deliberately sabotage any chance of enacting bipartisan reforms that he claims to seek," said House Speaker John Boehner who has shown on multiple occasions that he has no intention of enacting bipartisan reforms with the President.

John Boehner's immigration comments, summarized: "JUST BECAUSE WE WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING DOESN'T MEAN HE GETS TO DO SOMETHING!!"

— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) November 21, 2014

2. Straight People Like Gay People Better When They Act Like Straight People

Straight people would be a lot cooler with gay people being gay if only their gayness could be a little less gay, according to a new study from the American Sociological Review. The numbers show that 95 percent of Americans are fine with seeing a happy couple exchange a kiss on the cheek in public, so long as there is one, and only one, penis between the two of them. 72 percent of respondents were okay with seeing public displays of affection between lesbians, but only 55 percent were down with seeing PDAs between gay men.

"I wish I knew how to quilt you!" -gay cowboy to a ball of yarn

— Mike Rylander (@MikeRylander) November 19, 2014

3. Congress Bans Scientists From Bothering EPA With A Bunch Of Dumb Science Junk

House Republicans passed a bill earlier this week that would make it illegal for scientific experts to participate in "advisory activities" with agents of the Environmental Protection Agency, lest they cast a dark science spell of conservationism upon the helpless government workers.

Republicans are going to go after the EPA. Because what's ruining America is Big Hey Pick That Up.

— Hank Thompson (@Hank_Thompson) November 7, 2014

4. Rookie Filmmaker Jon Stewart Gets Big Break As Guest On 'The Colbert Report'

The writer/director of the critically acclaimed new film Rosewater got a nice career boost last night when he sat down for an interview with Stephen Colbert on Comedy Central's Colbert Report. "It's a beautiful film and that offends me. Why is it that you can do your show... and you do it well, and now you're doing something else well," Colbert asked his guest who apparently has some other show on the basic cable network.

"Great" seeing my "good friend" Jon Stewart. I "really" hope his movie does "well" and he never learns about "jealous quotation marks".

— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) November 21, 2014

5. Here's A Great Excuse To Not Rake Those Leaves You Weren't Going To Rake Anyway

The National Wildlife Federation published a blog post recently in which they advised citizens to leave fallen leaves on the ground where they fall. "If you rake up and throw away all of your leaves this fall, you'll be getting rid of these beneficial and often beautiful insects too. Remember, butterfly and moth caterpillars are a critically important food source for birds in the spring when they are feeding their babies," the post explains. The post offers many more benefits to watching Trailer Park Boys on Netflix instead of raking leaves, as if you even need to read them.

I don't rake leaves. I let their strewn corpses litter the yard as an ominous warning to other invading plant life.

— The Night Stalker (@kolchak) November 4, 2013

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

When you're this famous, gender is a state of mind. (Via Getty Images)

Local counselors in Poland are disturbed by the image of a pants-less Winnie the Pooh.

Officials in the small town of Tuszyn met to confer a local playground with a public face when someone suggested the lovable star of AA Milne's Winnie the Pooh books. The zoftig bear was roundly rejected because, horrifyingly, he wears no pants and is therefore "horribly inappropriate for children."

The Croatian Times reports that the meeting was recorded by one of the counselors and then leaked to the press. From the Croatian Times:

"One official is heard saying: 'It doesn't wear underpants because it doesn't have a sex. It's a hermaphrodite.'

Councillor Hanna Jachimska then began criticising the Winnie-the-Pooh author Alan Alexander Milne.

She said: 'This is very disturbing but can you imagine! The author was over 60 and cut his [Pooh's] testicles off with a razor blade because he had a problem with his identity.'"

Before we get into how ridiculous it is to have this conversation about the wardrobe of a cartoon bear that has long been beloved by children, let me just note this. These people have no idea what a hermaphrodite is. A hermaphrodite has both sets of genitals in some form, not neither. To be fair, there really isn't a specific term for someone with neither, beyond the term "intersex," which can be used to cover a lot of grey (genital) areas.

ANYWAY...

One of the members suggested a cartoon bear native to Poland which wears both pants and a shirt. This logic, if we can go so far to call it that, is beyond nonsensical. Let's not forget that animals don't wear any clothes at all, and that is fine. That we ever dress our cartoon animals is for artistic ornamentation only. Plus, Winnie is hardly alone in the cartoon-animal-wearing-a-shirt-but-no-pants look. Standing with him in fashion we have:

- Porky Pig
- Pillsbury Doughboy
- Puppy Nopants
- Bunny Bareback
- Alvin and the Chipmunks
- Captain Crotch
- Chip and Dale
- Flash The Indecent Zebra
- Buster Bunny
- Wacko from The Animaniacs (the other two had bottoms but no tops)
- Donald Duck
- Balls (The Frog)

Surely you remember him:

(by Myka Fox)

Get a new bf on Rush order. (Via Craigslist)

For any woman who has ever had to take so many tranquilizers to get through their holiday meal that they called it tranqs-giving, there may be a better way.

If you are anywhere near the Nashville, Tennesee area, this bearded, 28-year-old self-proclaimed felon is offering up his services on Craigslist as a horrifying boyfriend to accompany you to your otherwise dismal family function.

He will arrive in a 27-year old van painted like Van Halen's guitar, and then proceed to terrify your terrible family that insists on humiliating you for being single.

According to his ad, "If you'd like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you to torment your family, I'm game"

Ooh, I like games! How do we play?

Per his advert, diversions can include:

"openly hit on other female guests while you act like you don't notice.

start instigative discussions about politics and/or religion.

propose to you in front of everyone.

pretend to be really drunk as the evening goes on (sorry, i dont drink, but i used to. alot. too much in fact. i know the drill).

Start an actual, physical fight with a family member, either inside or on the front lawn for all the neighbors to see. "

I'm pretty sure this last one constitutes felony assault, but hey, that's what you get when you invite a strange felon into your home. And besides, how bad could things get? He knows the word "instigative."

His services will cost you one Thanksgiving meal, and will likely guarantee you a lifetime free of being hounded for grandchildren.

Act now, before your dream date finds himself in jail... again. (Via Craigslist)

(by Myka Fox)

Use #45: Pup-tent. (via myexwifesweddingdress.com)

Kevin Cotter, 41, was devastated in 2009 when his wife of four years up and left him, taking all her stuff except her wedding dress, with which she instructed him to "do what the f**k he liked." He recounted this to his siblings while trying to avoid a lonely night at home (he shares custody of their kids), and while Kevin's brother only suggested turning it into one long roll of toilet paper, his sister brilliantly suggested that the dress had to have at least 101 uses, and thus a blog was born, myexwifesweddingdress.com.

The blog ran mostly during 2010 and was published as a book in 2011. The photos started making the rounds again this week after print outlets like the UK tabloid the Daily Mail ran them.

Perfect remote-length table surface. This was meant to be.

Day #1 was a pretty straightforward use, transforming the dress in its box into a footrest. From there, however, it just got more and more complex and wonderfully bizarre.

Use #35: Grilling apron. You may now kiss the chef. (via)

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Use #13: Oil pan. (via)

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Use #48: Cape. (via)

Upon reaching 101 uses, Cotter turned his experiences into a book that is the perfect divorce present for any recently-dumped schlub in your life. It's received very positive reviews, except from this one guy, who was really upset about the ending:

His later happiness really ruined my enjoyment of his previous grief. (via)

What about you? Do you have any ex-lover's memorabilia that would turn into a successful Internet and publishing career? No? Wow, that deadbeat never did anything for you, did they?

(by Johnny McNulty)