The best way to avoid starting your "fuck ass" job at a pizza place is to tweet that the job is "fuck ass" the day before you start.

Ruh-roh. (screenshot via Gawker)

Texas teenager Cella got hired at a pizza place where her would-be boss says her duties would have been "working register, taking phone orders, making subs/salads. Eating free pizza."

Ew.

After she publicly thumbs-downed her disappointment with her new job, her would-be boss, Robert Waple, Jets Pizza franchise owner and alleged fat prick, was alerted to the tweet by a backstabbing would-be co-worker. Waple broke out of Twitter retirement (he hadn't posted anything on there since 2009) to let her know that, no, she won't be starting her fuck ass job.

And that is how you get fired over Twitter with the quickness. Twitter-land then exploded with a million renditions of "how stupid do you have to be to get fired over Twitter?" and "LMAO."

One tweeter called the boss man out on being suspect for reappearing on Twitter after such a long absence. Pizza boss Waple explained how it all went down:

Even though Waple was proud to take responsibility for his Tweets on Feb. 7th, now that the story is going viral he has made his account private.

Before he did, an old Jets Pizza employee emerged from his cloud of pot smoke to get into it with Waple and defend the claim that the job was indeed fuck ass, and that he had to be high to endure working there.

Not his hockey skills!!!

The former pizza peddler also tweeted out a message of hope for Cella (now deleted) to make sure she felt ok about her decision.

(screenshot via Gawker)

Based on this recent tweet, she seems fine with her decision.

As long as you are crying, you might as well say you are crying from laughing. Besides, she doesn't really have time to be dealing with a fuck ass job. According to this recent post, she has bigger fish to fry. Forget about the pizza thing, what the hell is going on here???

Gonna go take a walk before court & clear my mind.
— Cella☀️ (@Cellla_) February 9, 2015

Can you get arrested for calling a potential job fuck ass? She never mentioned the name of her place, so I'm guessing she is in legal trouble for something other than disparaging a pizza joint. If there is one bright side to this story (besides her five minutes of Twitter fame), the loss of her job will give her a good opportunity to reconnect with her dad.

It's sad that me & my dad only talk when I need money lmao.

— Cella☀️ (@Cellla_) February 5, 2015

This episode could have been called Last 40 Years Of Health Care Tonight.

Ah, John Oliver. I missed you and your long-form investigational exposés. I didn't necessarily miss the feelings of unease, hopelessness and general wrongness that I got from watching this explanation of just how a third of a trillion dollars' worth of pills end up inside Americans every year, but boy do I love feeling outraged, especially when it's backed up by research.

Long story short, as mind-boggling as the $4 billion a year Big Pharma spends marketing to normal humans, the $24 billion a year they spend promoting drugs (aka wining, dining, and bribing) to doctors is ludicrous. Even though every single company has been forced to pay multi-billion-dollar fines, those penalties are a drop in the bucket compared to the profits made from encouraging doctors to over-prescribe Americans, particularly in "off-label" prescriptions that don't match the purposes for which the drug was approved.

The end of the video sums it up pretty nicely with a parody drug commercial:

5. Kanye, because Beyoncé got robbed yet again.

(screengrab via CBS)

Kanye takes it personally when albums that he really liked don't win Grammys. So today, after watching Beck rob Beyoncé of the Album of the Year award she deserved (according to Kanye logic), Kanye is probably feeling pretty outraged. At first it seemed like his little stage-rushing gimmick was just a joke. But an interview with E!after the show revealed Kanye was dead serious about his complaint. "You all know what it meant when 'Ye walks on the stage,'" he said. Well, we thought we did, anyway.

4. People who are gluten-free and lactose intolerant, because it's National Pizza Day.

(Thinkstock)

It's the most important holiday of the year: National Pizza Day! Break out the wood-burning oven, because today is all about chewy crusts, crispy cheese, and juicy—oh I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were gluten-free. No, I'm sure quinoa crust is just as good. And yes, that shredded cauliflower totally resembles cheese, Mr. Lactose Intolerant (I don't know why your parents named you that). Oh god, please stop crying. Come on, it's National Pizza Day!

3. Charles Manson, cause it turns out his fiancee was planning to use his corpse to make money.

Poor Charles Manson. (I can't believe I just said that, either.) It turns out the old man's young fiancee was scamming him for all he's worth (his dead body). They just got their union approved not too long ago, and now the wedding has been called off. 80-year-old Manson found out his 27-year-old fiancee Afton Elaine Burton wanted to marry him for his corpse. She planned to display his body in a glass coffin after he died and then charge people to see it. Kind of romantic, but Manson isn't into that (he thinks he's going to live forever, anyway), so he broke things off. Which means somebody is single again, ladies!

2. This woman who didn't know she was pregnant and then delivered a 14-pound baby naturally.

(via St. Joseph's Women's Hospital)

Maxxzandra Ford, a Florida mom of two, didn't know she was pregnant with a third baby until she was already 35 weeks along. She initially thought she was pregnant with twins because she had gained so much weight (but otherwise felt good, which is why she didn't suspect she was pregnant). Cut to the delivery room, where Ford was pushing and "cussing up a storm," when she discovered her new baby was exceptionally massive as he started to emerge. Her other two kids were 9 and 10 pounds, respectively, so she knows what a big baby feels like. This was something different. This baby, Avery, was 14.1 pounds. Luckily for Avery, his mom is extremely forgiving. She told the AP that the first she held him, she "loved it" and "just melted."

1. Native Americans trying to use Facebook, because Facebook think their names are fake.

Try again @Creepingbear apparently my family name does not meet @facebook standards. Way to go #ColumbusDay#facebookpic.twitter.com/HYiu55DYgh

— Shane Creepingbear (@Creepingbear) October 14, 2014

Apparently, Facebook's rules about what names people can use have made it extremely difficult for some Native Americans to use their real given names. Back in 2009, Parmelee Kills the Enemy (which, side note, is a fucking badass name) had to submit government documents so she could continue to use her name on Facebook. Shane Creepingbear, who had his account deactivated back in October (on Columbus Day!) told Colorlines that he thinks Facebook declaring certain names fake "can come off a tad racist." No kidding. Others have had to submit credit cards, Social Security numbers, and more. Over 10,000 people have signed a Change.org petition to try to get Facebook to recognize and allow Native names.

"Owl, owl!" is the disco call.

Wildlife photographer Megan Lorenz set up a GoPro camera on her front lawn, where a couple of burrowing owls happen to live. One day, as she was leaving her home to run some errands, they decided to throw a little dance party. Why? It's hard to say exactly. Owls are inscrutable creatures, and burrowing owls doubly so.

Hug a corgi before they go the way of the dodo.

"Tell me about the rabbits."
(via redditor slimandabitfoxy)

Everyone loves corgis. They've got big ears, stubby little legs, and expressive faces. They're everything we wish children would be. They even hate pumpkins. They're also the favorite of Queen Elizabeth, which is why it was so shocking when England's Kennel Club announced they're putting the Pembroke Welsh Corgi on their list of breeds vulnerable to extinction. Only 274 purebred Pembrokes were registered with them last year, meaning their gene pool is getting dangerously shallow (speaking of which, a corgi swimming in a shallow pool would be precious). What's worse, Cardigan Welsh corgis were already on the list (corgi in a cardigan, that would be cute too). Anyway, here are 12 adorable corgis to remind you of the good times. Soon, these memories will be all we have left.

1. Hear that? That's the sound of inevitability.

(via redditor ChowderChowderChowde)

2. Sorry amigo, but the party is over.

(via redditor future_steak)

3. Hate to rain on your parade.

(via redditor D3cker)

4. Maybe if you'd used your melon you wouldn't be in this mess.

(via redditor eugimon)

5. Your prospects are as sour as this candy.

6. Those must not be four leaf clovers, cause your luck has run out.

(via redditor jeriyoshizu)

7. Imagine that's a vulture circling over your head.

(via redditor birdthehorse)

8. Now is the winter of your discontent.

(via redditor snail-in-the-shell)

9. All corgis will love America this much when they realize there's no future for them in England.

(via redditor CorgiMum)

10. This is a metaphor for the futility of the corgi's struggle.

11. "You will be our last generation."

(via redditor Aestis)

12. Marching toward oblivion.

(via redditor cosmic915)

If you're in Ohio, your gynecologist could be good for a lot more than making "open wide" jokes. Much like a lawyer, he can also get you off.

"I can't possibly be the only gyno having sex with patients, right?" (via)

Ohio gynecologist Dr. Kurt Froehlich (AKA Dr. Feelgood, AKA Dr. Gross) had his medical license revoked after showing two patients where their G-spots were and then engaging in sexual activity with them.

Dr. Froehlich knew both of the patients before seeing them as a doctor, since they were his coworkers as employees of Bethesda North Hospital in Cincinnati. Although he is listed at that hospital as a a "solo practitioner," he seemed to find it a useful place to find a partner.

During his hearing, one medical board member who voted to have 48-year-old Froehlich's license permanently revoked said his case was the "most crude" he had seen in 40 years.

The hearing testimony acquired by the Smoking Gun reads like a soap opera.

Ruh-roh. And then what??

Nooooo. Can't be doing that.

And then...

It wasn't the person he wanted to be... with patient 1.

But then, two years later, he did it again with patient 2. This time no intercourse; just old-fashioned show-her-where-her-g-spot-is-and-then-get-her-off action.

But then...

Stimulation on outside of the pants? Look at Mr. Medical school, taking it back to high school.

This is why I only go to a female gyno.

In the report, Dr. Handsy blamed his behavior on "stress caused by the death of his mother-in-law, difficulties with his medical practice, his prostate cancer diagnosis, and a diet regimen he was following."

The diet regimen must have been the caveman diet, where instead of behaving like a medical professional treating patients, you're supposed to act like a caveman.

In fairness, Froehlich had been practicing medicine since 1993 and sees 30 patients a day. Thats about 7,500 patients a year for 12 years, so having sex with only two of them is pretty good!

Want to have sex with Dr. Sex Gyno?

As per his website, "There are no stupid questions, so if it's on your mind ask."

Oh, gnocchi you don't!

Please add this to your list of valuable things learned from the Internet: do not try to deep fry a gnocchi. I don't know the exact science behind why this is a bad idea, but this video sure seems to imply that the little potato-based bits of pasta do not like it. They will rebel! Let this Internet chef's experience be a lesson to us all. I took the liberty of fast-forwarding to the excitement:

Activate the Freemanizer in 3… 2… 1…

Have you ever dreamed of looking like the president? Or a wise convict? OR GOD HIMSELF? With this new projector technology, your dreams can come true!

Side effects include freckles, gravitas, and involuntary narration.

This snake is hanging out with his natural prey, as the mouse, naturally, prays that the snake doesn't eat him.

In an interview with Australia's 9 News, Queenslander Simon Wood explained the strange scene he caught on camera in the nook of a bridge over the Mulgrave River.

"It was predator and prey — Mother Nature's got bigger plans for them but they've gotta survive together," Wood explains.

The river had already risen about three meters since morning, and rose an inch in just the 15 minutes that Wood and his wife were there watching the animals hide out.

"A little mouse about to walk over the snake — both shivering — and a little skink on top of his back," Wood says in the video.

A skink? A skink is a tiny lizard, and it is indeed hanging out on top of the snake. If you blink you will just miss him leaping for safety, so here's a skink GIF for you.

He stole all my tiny romantic ideas!

Ahh, Valentine's Day. The love, the romance, the overwhelming pressure to impress. No one feels that pressure more acutely than the humans who put together these Tiny Hamster videos, which all revolve around a meticulously prepared tiny meal and the nervous chefs who serve them to the adorable rodents. In this episode, Tiny Hamster goes on a tiny date involving a gondola ride, a multi-course meal of flowers, meatballs, and pasta, accompanied by an accordion.

In other words, Tiny Hamster has a way better chance of getting big-time laid than you do, unless you up your planning game right now.

See also: "Tiny Hamster" eats a tiny Thanksgiving with his tiny friends, cooked by a stressed-out giant chef.

Lots of us did dumb stuff in our early 20s. For these girls, it was desecrating a 900-year-old holy site and causing an international incident.

Those faces sure look kinda remorseful.(via Death and Taxes)

The Adams sisters, 22-year-old Lindsey and 20-year-old Leslie, were enjoying a vacation in Cambodia when they decided to visit Angkor Wat, the world's largest religious monument and a holy site for both Hindus and Buddhists.

I like what you've done with the place. (via flickr user scuba_beer)

Then things went south. Not content to sit back and reflect on the UNESCO World Heritage Site, Lindsey and Leslie decided to disrobe and take some naked selfies. Because they were learning about culture! Said police official Keat Bunthan: "They lowered their pants to their knees and took pictures of their buttocks."

Now that temple doesn't look so impressive.(via Death and Taxes)

As this photo from their trip shows, it wasn't an isolated incident. The ladies were arrested, fined $250, and deported from the country, never to return. It's hard, as Americans, to understand the offense that this caused to the Cambodian people. Our holiest site is the Playboy Mansion.

Follow these simple guidelines if your pea-sized brain is even capable of such a thing.

It's not that hard to have sex with a smart person. You just have to own a bookshelf (with books!), pretend to enjoy the ridiculous foodie concoctions they pretend to enjoy, and then sit back and let them talk and talk and talk. Your idiot boner will thank you.

My lady boner is so confused.

Definitely was not expecting such a sexy vision of Steve Buscemi, taking the place of Jamie Dornan, in this re-edited 50 Shades of Grey trailer. There should be more pratfalls and Big Lebowski references. They do sneak a Mr. Pink quote in there.

True story: I met Steve Buscemi once. By met, I mean we were in the same room and I forced him to make eye contact with me. We kind of forget that even the actors who are always cast as creeps, weirdos, and nerds are probably still pretty charismatic individuals. For awhile afterwards I was telling everyone that, daaaaaaaaamn, Buscemi is handsome, for real! Maybe this video will vindicate me in the eyes of the newly aroused.

That blows.

How many EMTs does it take to get a woman out of a vacuum? (via Khunghyang Shinmun)

Even Stephen Hawking has been warning us about the dangers of artificial intelligence, but he probably didn't mean the situation this South Korean woman found herself in, when she was woken from a nap by a homicidal cleaning bot trying to suck her hair up in its chomping maw. Um, hit the snooze, please!

The lady, who was alone, had to call the fire department to rescue her. Officials from iRobot, the makers of Roomba, were quick to tell The Daily Dot that this is definitely not one of THEIR bloodthirsty units:

The robotic vacuum cleaner that got tangled in the hair of a woman from Changwon, South Korea is not an iRobot product. The safety of our customers is paramount for iRobot, and all of the company's products undergo strict development processes and testing before going to market. This includes safety mechanisms in Roomba that deactivate its cleaning system when it is not placed on the ground.

Ohhhhh, good, good, good. They've realized that all our household appliances will eventually try to kill us and have programmed deactivation systems. I feel so safe!

Looks like this mall's running a White Friday sale on poignancy!

How am I going to find the Cinnabon now?(via NewsNet 5)

The mall isn't usually a place you associate with beautiful desolation, but the Rolling Acres Mall in Akron is the exception to that rule. It was abandoned in 2008, and since then the roof has collapsed. Now every winter it fills with snow, creating an eerie post-apocalyptic panorama. Check it out in these photos by Johnny Joo. It's like an episode of Life After People, but real!

Check out JC Penney's roofbuster deals!(via NewsNet 5)

Some people might find these images depressing and start thinking about their own mortality. Those people have never tried shopping at a mall on Christmas Eve. This is a huge improvement.

(via NewsNet 5)

(via NewsNet 5)

See Spot. See Spot Run. See Spot Get Kicked. See Spot Keep Running. Run, Human, Run!

I love the robots of Boston Dynamics (now part of Google), and by "love them," I mean "am chased by them through Terminator-style dreams." Their newest model is Spot, a 160 lb. robot the size of a very large dog which has no problem going up and down stairs, steep hills, or uneven forest ground. In other words, it can follow you...anywhere.

It also can't be distracted by little things like a direct kick from a grown man. Sure, it's kind of cute and I don't recommend going around and kicking robots that may one day hold a grudge, but I'd still like the option.

No word yet on whether these military-grade robots are in communication with the Roomba that ate its sleeping master's hair.

Also, from the robo-cat family:

Although Spot is the most sure-footed robot thus far, it's by no means the fastest. That goes to the 28.3 mph Cheetah, which you will now always imagine is pursuing you in the rear-view mirror. The outdoor model is the WildCat, which tops out at a mere 16 mph, which an athletic person could outrun...for a little while.

Let slip the robo-dogs of war!

One of Boston Dynamics' robots, the AlphaDog, has already entered service with the Marines as a sort of robo-mule, carrying supplies to units deployed in remote areas. Those are powered by diesel motors, though, so at least you can hear them coming.

He'll TELL you when he's had enough!

This is my phobia: that someone will sip from my beer when I'm not looking.

There is probably a word in German for feeling like you're going to throw up while also feeling compassion, amusement and like maybe it is time to do a "dry month." Look, I hate water bugs (this is the colloquial New York term for a cockroach that size. No one from outside the city ever knows what I mean when I run out of the bathroom screaming, "WATER BUG!!!"), but we're all God's creatures. And all of God's creatures need to get hammered from time to time.

Hammered via pints of light beer or the bottom of a shoe, whatever.