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Bored pilot flies penis-shaped path for the amusement of all.

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Thank you, friend.

There's no denying that things shaped like penisesare hilarious.

Now, one brave pilot in a two-seater has devoted the time, energy, and fuel costs necessary to draw a penis in the sky.

Flightradar24 captured the spectacle outside Kissimee, Florida last night. There's no word yet on who the pilot might be, or why he or she took the time to create this important public service announcement. But we sure do appreciate the visual.

However, if that yellow L-shaped thing is supposed to be a vagina, we're not impressed.


This contestant competed against herself in Final Jeopardy last night.

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The contestants did so badly, Alex Trebek didn't even have the heart to condescend to them.


The competition is really cooling down.(via YouTube)

According to the rules of Jeopardy!, any contestant who is in the red at the end of the Double Jeopardy round is disqualified from participating in Final Jeopardy, and can't win the game. This doesn't happen all that often, because Jeopardy! contestants are thoroughly screened to make sure they'll keep it competitive. In theory, anyway.

Two contestants not making it to Final Jeopardy is very rare. Until last night, it hadn't happened since 2011. Now, however, it's time to reset that clock, cause this game was a stinker.

Brad seemed to take it in stride, but he at least was in and out of debt for much of Double Jeopardy. Stephanie, however, seemed to spend the round only sinking deeper and deeper into the red. She played well in the first round, but couldn't face the pressure in the second half of the game, and became increasingly flustered with each incorrect response. She got careless, and it cost her big-time.


Ouch.(via YouTube)

As the clock wound down, it became painful to watch. Just look at her expression:


I'll take "Deer in the Headlights" for $1,000.(via YouTube)

In the end, only returning champion Kristin was around to face Final Jeopardy, although she went into it with a respectable $8,400. She even ended up missing the final question, but it didn't matter, of course.

We shouldn't be too hard on Brad and Stephanie. They clearly know their stuff; something just fizzled when they were in front of the camera. It should be noted that no contestant is selected to appear on Jeopardy! who isn't intelligent and knowledgeable. Regular Jeopardy!, that is. Not Celebrity Jeopardy! That's a shit show.

Let it go.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 13, 2015

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1. Boko Haram Joins ISIS In Most Insidious Merger Since Comcast-Time Warner

Middle Eastern terrorist organization ISIS has apparently accepted a pledge of allegiance offered by Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram. "We announce to you to the good news of the expansion of the caliphate to West Africa because the caliph... has accepted the allegiance of our brothers of the Sunni group for preaching and the jihad," ISIS spokesperson Mohammed al-Adnani declared in a recently released video. It is truly a marriage made in an incredibly fundamentalist interpretation of heaven.


2. Andy Samberg To End Long Streak Of Unbridled Success By Hosting Emmy Awards

Comedian Andy Samberg—who was skyrocketed to fame as a beloved regular on Saturday Night Live before leaving to head an ensemble cast on the critically acclaimed sitcom Brooklyn Nine-Nine—has reportedly agreed to try in vain to bring humor to the next Emmy award ceremonies and then be judged harshly by everybody on Twitter.


3. Homeopathy Definitively Disproven For 900th Time

The world lies in shock today after the Australia's National Health and Medical Research Council made the counterintuitive announcement that mixing minute amounts of various substances into great masses of water does not offer any substantive health benefits. "There are no health conditions for which there is reliable evidence that homeopathy is effective," the report declares in no uncertain terms. The report—which is remarkably similar to the countless reports that preceded it—is expected to have about as much effect on the homeopathy market as the solitary molecule of active ingredient in your sleeping pill will have on your metabolism.


4. Some Dude In An Office Is Listening To Every Filthy Thing You Say To Siri

Apple has admitted that it pays human beings to sit at desks and listen to all the weird sex stuff (as well as less interesting things) that you whisper to Siri, iPhone's personal assistant software. “I heard everything from kiddos asking innocent things like 'Siri, do you like me?' to some guy asking Galaxy to lick his butthole. I wish I was kidding," one of the many people paid to listen to your private comments said. A company spokesperson points out, though, that you agreed to allow this to happen when you hit "Accept" without bothering to read your phone's policy agreement.


5. Dealing With Netflix Series Spoilers Is The Struggle Of Our Generation

Ever since Netflix began dropping entire seasons of original television series like House of Cards at once, TV obsessors have be trying to figure out how and when it is acceptable for them to spoil important details for people who have things going on in their life and maybe didn't have a chance to inhale 13 hours of television in a single night. With regular serialized shows, it has long been common practice to announce major plot points on Twitter and Facebook mere seconds after they air. But things get a little trickier without an official air time. The Message's Rex Sorgatz has come up with a simple plan to make ruining viewing experiences for other people fun again: "Every day, a new episode is released, always at the same time, and blind to time zones." That way, everybody is forced to either put their lives on hold so that they can watch the show every day, at the same time, for thirteen consecutive nights or avoid all social media for nearly two weeks. Sounds brilliant! How do we make this happen?!


Off balance.

Face it.

Best and brightest.

One-track mind.


World's most talented, politest baby says "hello" at just 7 weeks old.

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Next he'll learn "It's simply marvelous to see you."

In this video, baby Cillian, from Belfast in Northern Ireland, is just seven weeks old. Not only is that months ahead of when a baby is expected to say his first word, but most of them start with something pedestrian like "mama" or "dada." Cillian, however, is much too classy for that. He doesn't even say "hi," opting instead to go straight for the formal "hello." As in, "Hello, mother. I can talk now. I think this is the beginning of a wonderful familial relationship. On a more awkward note, I have soiled my diaper. Could you please assist at your earliest convenience? Thank you."

For more info, check out this interview with Cillian's mom:


Look at the wise expression on that kid's face. He's clearly a baby genius. Personally, I can't wait for him to start talking in full sentences, not only because it'll probably be soon, but because it'll be in that awesome accent.

Biggest fear.

50 Cent's 2-year-old makes enough money to pay off your student loans 20 times over.

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What's a good amount of money to pay a toddler? $700,000, apparently.


To be fair, I have never seen a two-year-old with more swag. (via 50 Cent on Instagram)

50 Cent recently revealed that his kid, two-year-old Sire Jackson, has secured a $700,000 modeling deal for Kidz Safe headphones for children. You know, $700,000 — an amount of money that could buy you multiple well-built houses. Or several Ivy League educations. Or 2,000 orders of one of the worlds' most expensive steaks.

I mean, the kid does look great with a pair of headphones:


I don't think I have ever looked this cool in my life. (via 50 Cent on Instagram)

50 Cent talked about his son and the deal in an interview with Angie Martinez on Power 105.1. That part of the interview is pretty adorable; seeing badass ol' 50 Cent grin and say "I have so much fun with him, man" is like watching a kitten and a puppy playing together in a basket full of rainbows. You can watch the interview here:


When you play hockey with dachshunds, everyone is a wiener.

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Even if a fight broke out, it would be adorable.

We may have just found the only video that will make you sad winter is ending. Digging a tunnel through the show is the true genius of this man's vision. It combines the best elements of hockey, mini golf, fetch, and dachshunds. It's also a convenient way to keep your dachshund from becoming morbidly obese.

This has to be the most creative variation on hockey we've seen since Russian scuba divers played upside-down beneath a frozen lake. When did hockey start inspiring so much imagination? They must have gotten better helmets or something.

This really cool 8-year-old male model is a huge Internet star and it's weirding me out.

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Dennis Kane, way too hot right now.


#KANEDENNIS #kanEdenniS #KaNeDeNnIs (via Twitter)

When Zoolander and Hansel appeared at Paris Fashion Week on Tuesday, they were just telling us what we already knew: they belong to the old world of fashion. The future belongs, apparently, to child models with obsessive Internet followings. Meet Dennis Kane, the Korean-Australian 8-year-old model who has thousands of fans on China's Weibo social network, a Facebook fan club in the Philippines, a Twitter fan club, and an official fan club website (official as in "his mom said OK") that strongly implies Dennis has the Shining:


All work and no play make Dennis a questionable Internet icon. (via ShineKane)

Now, sometimes the story of Dennis' newfound fame is awesome, like how his mixed-heritage parents and background make him relatable to a new generation of Asians. And let's be honest, the kid has style and panache.

As a purely visual Internet device, the kid wipes the floor with any emoji when it comes to conveying cool confidence. I mean, the kid can eat jellied toast while wearing a fishing hat and somehow still exude swag:

If he was more famous, he might easily replace Beyonce on Tumblr for gifs and images communicating one's fierceness. And as far as I know, he's never released unflattering photographs that he then tried to get pulled from the Internet, resulting in a hilarious Photoshop war. Unlike Beyonce.

On the other hand, I was blown away by the depth and rabidity of the fandom I found online for this kid.


Dennis' (I guess officially endorsed) Filipino fan page.(via Facebook)

Frankly, a lot of the Asian sites really seem to treat him as if he's already grown up—apparently, the Internet first noticed Dennis when he was around 4, and although he was too young for fan clubs then, he wasn't too young to call a mulatto bastard:


WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, TAIWAN? (via news.gamme.com.tw)

Now that he's 8, however, blogs are complementing him on his new, more adult face.


That's right, ladies, he can open his own M&M bags now. (via news.gamme.com.tw)

The distinctly not-politically-correct discussion of his race continues across the Pacific Internet, with his Weibo fan page describing him as a "mestizo" - a term associated historically with mixed-race people in former Spanish colonies (which makes sense since the page might have been set up by Filipino fans). That's not even the most off-putting word on the page, though. That would be "tender":


Um, either Google Translate is way too creepy or I do not understand Weibo at all.
(via Weibo)

I also discovered that he has a rival in the Internet child modeling world—a 9-year-old Russian girl named Kristina Pimenova. For commenters who are concerned about Dennis' fans' creepiness, they all agree that at least he's not as bad off as Kristina is.

As Rocket24 (which also reported on Dennis Kane) writes, while well-behaved online commenters gush "about little Pimenova's exceptional good looks as far as they meet the Japanese concept of the western ideal of beauty." Meanwhile,

the rest of the Internet, as well as Pimenova's agent (which may or may not be her parents), seem to have more complicated, Lolita-esque feelings about the little girl – as evidenced by her millions of Facebook followers, the creepy comments therein, and the feverish, out-of-left-field debates about whether or not she's Polish.

Well, at least Dennis Kane isn't unintentionally fanning flames of racial hatred (I take that back, this is the Internet, there's no way he isn't doing that).

Just another reminder that it's a big Internet out there, and the Asian Internet is even bigger than the American one, and you should make sure to parse the bad translations to see what exactly you're liking. I set out to write about a cool kid doing cool things and ended up writing about how weird this all is. That said, I wish Dennis the best (I think he'll be fine unless the world suddenly runs out of cool) and I hope his fans keep supporting him appropriately.

Too many.

Kathy Griffin leaves 'Fashion Police' citing "unattainable perfectionism" and politely not citing the a-holes.

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When Kathy Griffin is offended, you know you have a problem.


Suck it, Fashion Police. (via Kathy Griffin on Instagram)

Who'd ever have thought that a show that makes fun of people's appearances would burn up in a fiery crash of controversy? Kathy Griffin has announced via social media that, after only seven episodes, she'll be leaving E!'s Fashion Police. This is on the heels of Kelly Osborne also quitting the show and host Guiliana Rancic making controvertial comments about Disney star Zendaya's hairstyle at the Oscars.

Here's the statement that Griffin posted to her Twitter account:


(via Kathy Griffin on Twitter)

It's a bummer that someone who can be brash-but-respectful doesn't feel like she has a home on a show like this. E! has announced that the show will continue, though, so if anyone's looking for a platform to be a jerk on TV, get your resume shined up.



Tying a parachute to a snowmobile and driving it off a mountain may just be too awesome.

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sweden jumping fun times

This man is Antti Pendikainen. He's like a Swedish MacGyver, if MacGyver used his inventions to get into trouble instead of out of it. He combines plywood, duct tape, a snowmobile, and a parachute into a contraption you would never expect: a parachuting snowmobile.

If they ever make another xXx movie, I know who I want to star in it. This fearless Swede makes Vin Diesel and Ice Cube looks like wimps.

We're closer than ever to putting a woman on the $20 bill. Here's who I think should go on the other bills.

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White dudes! They're everywhere:

Heads of companies, lead protagonists in most films, mean anonymous commenters on my YouTube comedy videos (your goat in a sombrero avatar doesn't fool me, bro!) and on the front of every paper bill in the United States.

But the patriarchy of paper money may soon change, thanks to Women On 20s, an organization founded by Barbara Ortiz Howard and Susan Ades Stone. Through an online competition, Women On 20s is picking a woman to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill.

Stone and Howard asked about 200 leaders and historians who the female face of the 20 should be and came up with a diverse group of 15 amazing women, including Sojourner Truth, Eleanor Roosevelt and Rosa Parks. Online votes will narrow the list to three, followed by a final voting round to pick the winner.

Just think, soon when a guy "makes it rain" at da club, it'll rain feminism! Strippers' G-strings will be filled with female faces! Enslaved prostitutes can feel empowered as they pay their pimps with cash that represents the strength of women.

While Women On 20s has got the 20 covered, I'd like to offer some suggestions of badass broads who could grace other denominations someday:

$100: Hillary Clinton

Because she's gonna be the first female president. And also for putting up with Bill's antics, an act that too many women in the public eye do on the regular. Every time I see a wife stand beside her cheating husband at press conference to preserve their family's honor, I think she deserves a medal and an Oscar and a night of amazing cunnilingus from anyone of her choosing.

$50: Ani Difranco

Because she gave my generation of women a college soundtrack in the 90s/00s that empowered us to become the broke activists, feminist bloggers and Etsy shop owners we are today. She personally also gave me (and I assume many) the confidence to make a pass at my gender studies TA when I thought I might be a lesbian in college (turns out I just like making out with chicks when I'm drunk). She's grassroots and cool (minus that lil' racist oopsie daisy a few years ago).

$10: The Golden Girls

Because they are the greatest female characters in the history of television. Never since have older women been more sincerely and prominently represented in comedy. Between Dorothy's "take no shit" attitude, Blanche owning her sexiness, Rose's warmth, and Sophia being the most lovable asshole ever, these girls embody every side of every woman. And talk about sexually empowered. If you haven't seen it, watch the condom buying episode. It's reason enough to give these gals a spot on the ten.

$5: Oprah Winfrey

Because DUH. She's a boss bitch in every sense of the word. She's built an empire, she's helped countless women and men heal, inspire and take action. She's unapologetically always on the cover of her magazine cause she don't give a fuck. Oprah once said, “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness." Yesss gurl, all hail the queen! Here's a great talk about leadership and success she gave at Stanford Business School that'll make you want to change the world (or at least change out of your pajama pants).

$2: All the contestants on 'The Bachelor'

Because the $2 bill is almost obsolete, and hopefully, these heart-on-their-sleeve-wearing "I just let my guard down" crying, competing-for-a-husband chicks will soon be, too. There is more to life than husband-hunting. For example, there's divorce-lawyer-hunting when your fraudulent reality-show marriage inevitably fails.

$1: A vagina


(I wanted to put an actual vagina on a dollar, but ya know, censors.)

Yup, just a picture of an unshaved, imperfect vagina in honor of all the vaginas (most of us) came out of. Let's take it a step further and make it a vagina with a drop of blood coming out of it to remind everyone that once a month for 30-40 years we bleed from our bodies so that we are able to create life, so the least dudes can do is use that bloody vagina dollar to go to the store and buy us tampons. The least America can do is use those bloody vagina dollars to pay women equal salaries and longer maternity leaves.

Personally, I'll be spending my new woman-enhanced $20 on a pair of Spanx. After all, "bitches be shopping!"

You can now play 'Snake' on a giant fountain and show the world how great (or bad) you are at 'Snake.'

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This arcade takes pennies, not quarters.

Those of you who had graphing calculators in high school or Nokia phones in the early 2000s will probably remember Snake. It's a classic arcade game that is as addictive as it is inaccurate to the challenges of being a snake. There's no definitive version of the game, but if there's one that's likely to stand out, it's this. Several public fountains in Granary Square, London, have been outfitted with an interactive Snake game played with jets of water that you can control with your smartphone.

Watching this video, it actually seems less fun than a traditional game of Snake. The challenge of looking across the fountain, coupled with the unnecessary motion controls, seem like they make it much harder than the version I used to play on my TI-82 during geometry class. This is probably intentional. On a summer day when the park is full of kids, nobody wants some grown-up Snake whiz hogging the fountain for hours at a time. Better to keep it moving.

The 'Avengers: Age of Ultron' trailer is even better when redubbed by a bunch of little kids.

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Actually, this might be the best they can do.

You probably thought that the newest trailer for Avengers: Age of Ultron couldn't get any better than it already is. Foolish human mortal! You did not consider the possibility that Mashable would call upon the vocal talents of Vine-lebrities Arwen, Leia, and Neo to redub the the trailer, replacing all the uninspired adult voices with superior child ones. This new version will rule the world! Muahahahahahahaha!!!

Oh, and this version here, with all the voices gender-swapped, will serve directly at its side:

First successful penis transplant completed by very satisfied doctors.

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One per customer.


Those are the electric eyes of people giving new life to an old penis.(viaSky News)

Doctors in Cape Town completed the first successful penis transplant, using microscopic surgery to connect small blood vessels and nerves. It's the same technique that was used for the lady who got a face transplant. It took 9 hours to complete and FIVE YEARS to plan. One of these incredible doctors told Sky News:

"The heroes in all of this for me are the donor, and his family. They saved the lives of many people because they donated the heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, skin, corneas, and then the penis."

About 250 men a year in South Africa lose their penises during traditional circumcisions gone wrong. This operation had been attempted before without successful long term results. The staff was anticipating a 2 year long recovery for their 21-year-old patient, even if things went well. But the transplantee is healing by leaps and bounds, and at 4 months, the surgery is considered a complete success. Professor Andre van der Merwe says:

"It's a massive breakthrough. We've proved that it can be done - we can give someone an organ that is just as good as the one that he had."

Cool. In 100 years we'll be able to get penises even better than the ones we had.

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