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St. Patrick's Day


Here's a video of Valyrian history from "Game of Thrones" because real history is boring.

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Pop quiz: who cares? UH, EVERYONE.

How invested in The Mother of Dragons are you? If you met her at a party, would you be able to impress her with tidbits about Valyrian history, like how her entire civilization was swept into the sea even before the Targaryens thought of conquering Westeros?

Well, here's your chance to brush-up. These official Game of Thrones history lessons were produced for that very expensive Blu-ray you didn't buy. The mini-docs treat the boobtastic fantasies of George R.R. Martin as facts, with serious illustrations and formal voice-over work by Viserys Targaryen. The actor's name is Harry Lloyd, if that even means anything. You can really see the places where the story doesn't quite hold up, like, "Something happened here, we don't even know what, but it was a big deal!"

If you have an hour to devote to fake history, here's the whole thing:


Workplace

Baby girl pulls first big prank on Grandma by having a penis.

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Being surprised by gonads usually isn't this fun.

Want to watch a bunch of adults staring at a baby's genitals in shocked amazement? Then this is the video for you.

Kyle and Danielle Williams were told by a sonographer that they had a baby girl on the way. There is incompetence everywhere, even at the gyno's. Everyone was shocked when it turned out that the baby had a penis. They let Grandma know by asking her to change the newborn, which must have been a weird set-up. "But there are all these nurses, and dads can change diapers...okay, I guess I'll do it while you all watch." Here's her face:


Oh, boy! (screengrab via YouTube)

Hey, here's an even bigger shock for this family: it's 2015, gender is fluid and whether this baby is assigned boy or girl at birth, it may end up choosing a different path. At the very least, buy gender neutral clothes so if mix-ups happen, you're prepared.

The aurora borealis was KILLING IT last night.

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Good job, Nature.

Daaaaaaamn, aurora borealis, you making me love you too much. Must've been that geomagnetic storm that resulted from a pair of coronal mass ejections that shot out of the Sun on March 15 and then interacted with Earth's atmosphere and geomagnetic field. WOWZA.

Just look what you were doing all over Ireland and the U.K., you bad b*tch.

HOT-CHA.

Humunuh humunuh.

OW-oooga!

Car alarm sound.

SWISH.

Welp, it's been great, but I actually have this thing going on with the aurora australis...you understand.

A food truck that sells parakeet, pigeon and horse to draw attention to food waste.

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Ever try de-boning a parakeet?


Probably would not eat any kind of meat out of a wagon like this.(via NPR, photo by Maarten van Cleef photography)

The Kitchen of Unwanted Animals sounds like a children's movie about a bunch of plucky orphaned cats and dogs who pull together and open a creperie, but it's actually the name of this food truck that sells horse meat.

Rob Hagenouw and Nicolle Schatborn, from the dangerously progressive city of Amsterdam, conceived of the idea while considering the problem of Canada Geese. About 40,000 geese are shot annually to keep them from flying directly into your airplane's jets. They just love airplanes! That's a lot of dead geese and they get thrown away. Hagenouw and Schatborn thought, hey, let's do something with all this free meat. Geese croquettes. BOOM.


It's nice that they have a fun couple's activity.(via NPR)

Since then they've expanded to serving things like parakeet, pigeon, horse, muskrat, and crawfish. Parakeets are an invasive species in Holland, so they're not stealing any old lady's beloved companion to make stew.

The whole article and their philosophy is pretty interesting. They're both invested in the history of what meat is seen as appropriate for human consumption and what is considered waste. Not very shocking: it changes according to current societal values. Duh. Here's a poem they wrote about it, for a summary:

this is the kitchen of the undesired animal
the continuing polluting beast
the ones we see as an infestation
that bother us in our movements
those birds that ruin our safety
the rats are undermining the dikes
sometimes cultivated
for economic reasons or
fun meat or fur
eventually escaped and
without enemies they live free
and get loads of small ones
and we !!!
we are disturbed !!!!!!
the kitchen of the undesired animal says
no destruction
no needless waste
we shall eat!!!!!!

All right, relax.

Seasonal

This dumb game of chicken is why you shouldn't fool around on an airport runway.

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For the record, all games of chicken are dumb.

This is a clear case of somebody being where they weren't supposed to be. It was either the camerawoman and her friend on the ATV, or the pilot. I'm guessing it wasn't the pilot, because takeoffs and landings are tightly regulated even for old-timey biplanes. Also, nobody has ever obeyed the rules on an ATV.

You can hear the real terror in her voice as the plane flies by, but the second after, she sounds exhilarated. This makes me worry that she's going to try it again. Is no stunt pilot safe?


Bros before basic decency.

This is how you trick your parents into thinking you are not on your phone.

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For when your parents don't want you to stay up on "YouTube" all night.


This is just a preview of the ultra-slim iPhone 7. (via Imgur)

If we've learned anything from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, it is that it's easier to trick your parents into thinking they are getting their way than to argue with them. A great example of this was pulled off by the brother of redditor pakifalcon who posted the above picture with the note, "My brother tends to watch YouTube on his phone all night, so he has to keep his phone downstairs now. Take a good look. My parents don't have a clue."

The fact that their son has only plugged in the case, and not the phone, is not the only thing they don't have a clue about. What many redditors and I wondered right away was: what kid old enough to have his own phone is looking at YouTube all night? His parents probably also think they need to buy tissues in bulk because he has allergies.


Lego pisses off parents by giving beauty tips to 5-year-old girls.

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Let's build something sexist together!


So fun to style your Lego person's plastic hair! (via Mashable)

Parents are outraged about something! This time, it's a spread called "Emma's Beauty Tips," which appeared in the March-April edition of Lego Club Magazine (a publication that I'm sure is otherwise known for the high quality of its articles).


(screengrab via YouTube)

The page, which goes with the (new-ish) pink-and-purple Lego Friends line (meant for ages 5-12), includes advice to "Match Your Haircut To The Shape Of Your Face," as well as tips on brushing, blow-drying, and styling your hair.

It attracted the attention of Sharon Holbrook, a writer for the New York TimesMotherlode blog, when her 7-year-old daughter suddenly became concerned about her face shape. Holbrook was annoyed.

I checked. In this issue, at least, there's no advice to help a traditional Lego minifig choose the right plastic hair to emphasize or soften the manly jawline on his or her yellow-cylinder-shaped head.

She's absolutely right. The only beauty tip little Lego-lovers need is that bobby pins can be used to pry apart stuck-together Legos.

Holbrook writes that she hesitantly supported the Lego Friends line because at least it got her daughter building, but she says, "I draw the line when even a construction toy company feeds my daughter that tired, toxic script of 'start fixing your appearance, and now.'"


(screengrab via YouTube)

Others agreed. Rebecca Hains, an expert on children's media and its effects on girls, called out Lego on Facebook.

If only Lego would take the advice of Maia Weinstock, who created this set of Legos that honors female Supreme Court justices (and who, in the interest of full disclosure, was once my editor).


(via @20tauri)

Lego won't consider producing the toy because of their "no politics or political symbols" rule, but if they did I would love to give Ruth Bader Ginsburg some bangs.

They would really soften her look.

Seasonal

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 18, 2015

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1. Dick Cheney Insults Obama With The Most Hyperbolic Statement Of The Millennium

Former Vice President Dick Cheney declared Barack Obama to be "the worst president in [his] lifetime, without question," during an interview with Playboy. This is actually a pretty big statement, even if we assume that he is speaking of just his current lifetime, which manifested itself during FDR's presidency. It's even bigger if he is referring to his true lifetime, considering how fourteen eons ago he worked in Kaajh'Kaalbh's second administration in R'lyeh. And that Outer God was awful at budgetary management.


2. Chuck Norris And Jon Voight Sweep Israeli Prime Minister Into Solid Re-Election

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu won his re-election bid yesterday thanks in no small part to support from conservative U.S. supporters like Chuck Norris and Jon Voight, who lent their celebrity credentials to his campaign. The fear of Arab citizens in voting booths didn't hurt, either.


3. Rep. Aaron Schock Resigns From Congress To Spend More Time With The Crawley Family

Aaron Schock—the Republican congressperson from Illinois's 18th District who made headlines for having his office redecorated to resemble the home from Downton Abbey—is stepping down from office after questions arose about 170,000 miles of driving in his personal car he billed to the federal government and his campaign, despite the car only having 80,000 miles on the odometer. This discrepancy might not actually be nefarious, though. My theory is that he was simply emulating Lord Grantham's management style.


4. Donald Trump Magnanimously Considering Gifting America With His Presidency

Professional narcissist Donald Trump announced today that he is forming a presidential exploratory committee to discover how much press he can get for himself by pretending that he might enter the 2016 Republican primaries. "I am the only one who can make America truly great again!" he asserted in an official statement, because of course he did.


5. Tom Cruise's Ex-Wife Reportedly Dating Jamie Foxx, Because She Apparently Has A Type

According to rumors swirling around the Internet, Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx are currently dating. Us Weekly recently published a photo of the two celebrities holding hands while sharing what they thought was a private moment. When you consider the fact that the last person to whom she was romantically linked believed that their love was sanctioned the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, this relationship seems a lot less weird.

The band played on.

Somewhat Topical


This week in evil frats: Penn State chapter suspended for putting nude photos of passed-out women on Facebook.

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We should just start writing an article any time a frat does something that isn't shitty.


Not sexy, but at least it's creepy and illegal.(State College Police via Huffington Post)

If your sense of outrage is getting tired from all the stories of fraternities doing awful things, you might want to sit this one out. I guarantee, another will come along by the time you catch your breath.

The latest incident involves a frat at Penn State (what?!) violating the privacy of women (no!) without their consent (shut your mouth!) Brothers at Kappa Delta Rho were caught running a private Facebook page called "2.0." The page, which had nearly 150 members, was used for different purposes, ranging from negotiating drug deals to distributing nude photos of sleeping and passed out women. One of the victims found her picture on the page and reported it, leading police to a treasure trove of incriminating screenshots:


ur a criminal bro lol(via Onward State)

The 2.0 page is actually the successor to KDR's original page, entitled "Covert Business Transactions," which was shut down in April of last year after another victim discovered it and threatened to expose them. If these frat boys want to stay in the revenge porn business, they should at least get better at covering their tracks. Facebook? If this page were on Ello, no one would ever have known.

Penn State has placed KDR on suspension, and is launching an investigation. The national office of the fraternity is also looking into it. Only time will tell if the chapter will be disbanded, scattering its members to the 1,000 other Penn State frats, or if it will be allowed to continue, so that its new Facebook page "3.0" (or whatever Daniel Tosh-inspired name they come up with) can rise from the ashes of its predecessors. Either way, maybe the brothers should consider abandoning Greek life for any of the more wholesome alternatives. One thing's for sure, though: if KDR is shut down, it'll be a waste of the best address a frat house ever had:


What a shame.(via WJAC)

Starbucks' "Race Together" leads news host to accidentally accuse black man of acting black.

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Now imagine this conversation between a barista and someone late for work.

(The magic starts at 4:00 and hits its peak at around 5:20.)

Last night, MSNBC's All In with Chris Hayes (a show whose reported death was apparently exaggerated) did a segment on Starbucks' new "Race Together" campaign encouraging employees to engage customers in a dialogue about race. The guests included the host of CBS Sunday Morning, Nancy Giles, and popular YouTube personality and writer Jay Smooth. As much as this discussion was MSNBC at its MSNBC-est, it was going great until (at about the 4:00 mark) Hayes played a clip from Smooth's hit 2008 video "How To Tell Someone They Sound Racist:"

Right after playing the clip, it seems like all is well as the three of them agree that the Department of Justice's report on the Ferguson police department was a model of straightforward honesty on this topic—but Nancy was not about to move on from a very important topic: Jay Smooth sounded very black in his video, or as Giles put it,

If we're going to start a conversation about race, I'd like to point out that "Hey" is a pretty neutral word. Jay tried to move on, saying simply

I think, as a completely clueless observer, that Jay may have been politely attempting not to have the conversation about race that was now becoming inevitable and might potentially embarrass a well-respected news host (Giles, not Hayes). Nevertheless, Giles pressed on:

Having dug a hole for herself, Smooth was left with no option but to gently push her in:

At which point, a Starbucks employee somewhere probably thought this would be a great opportunity to talk about how in America, a latte is always a coffee even if it's almost entirely milk. Which is a stupid and offensive analogy. That's why we don't effing talk to Starbucks employees about race. In conclusion:


*Not actual dialogue, just the subtext.

Slow news daze.

Test your knowledge of bizarre Google searches with the Google Feud game.

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If Steve Harvey were involved, it would be perfect.


This is what you'll be staring at for the rest of the workday.(via Google Feud)

If you're feeling those mid-week blahs, we have just the pick-me-up for you. Google Feud is a new, free video game based on the eternally popular Family Feud game show, that you can play right in your web browser. Instead of answers taken from a survey of a studio audience, however, this is based on Google's Autofill results for search terms.

Even if you're not familiar with it by name, you know the Autofill feature. Start typing in the search box, and Google will automatically predict what you're going to type next, based on what other users have searched in the past. However, many Google users are extremely dumb, so the suggestions are sometimes very funny.

Now, TV writer and Bob's Burgers web guru Justin Hook has harnessed that magic to create an interactive game. Start up Google Feud and the game will provide you with the beginnings of search queries. All you have to do is guess Google's top 10 Autofill suggestions before you make 3 incorrect guesses. If it sounds easy, you're wrong. I've played for hours and never gotten all 10. I lost on the "Obama is from…" prompt because I guessed "Hawaii" instead of "what part of Africa" or "outer space" (both real suggestions).

This incomprehensible Iggy Azalea freestyle baffles all.

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Is she casting a spell?

Hope someone checked on Iggy Azalea after this was filmed. What if she's having a stroke? If not...performance is nine-tenths conviction, even when you completely forget every human word you've ever spoken in front of thousands of people and you're not wearing pants and oh, god, this is a nightmare!! JUST KEEP GOING.

"She sounds like a baby that learned to rap before it learned to talk." – Johnny McNulty.

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