I'm always here for you if you need someone to not care what you're talking about.
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5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today — August 15, 2013
Are our football players superhuman freaks? Can a chicken waffle be a taco? How much older is the world's oldest man than you? Find out in 5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today.
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My cosmetics drawer has a better foundation than our relationship.
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I'm on pre-vacation vacation.
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I'd rather you found out about my sexual history than my browser history.
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You're so hot I finished before your Snapchat pic disappeared.
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Thursday is my favorite day to plan how I'm going to get out of the plans I already made for the weekend.
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Thanks for enduring our groggy bleary-eyed morning sex.
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I spent my entire birthday thanking people on Facebook for wishing me happy birthday.
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I am currently in the planning stages of a hangover.
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The first thing I do when I get to work is check my Facebook until I go home.
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Before you head out on vacation, I just want to say I need you to work instead of heading out on vacation.
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You're better off without someone as flaky as your old mascara.
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I want to be the one everyone will wonder what the hell is doing with someone like you.
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I love you just the way you could be.
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Sorry your summer vacation is in that body.
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Even Walter White couldn't improve on the chemistry between us.
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I prefer white wines because they're easier to clean up whenever my child knocks over my glass.
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Summer interns going back to school means I'll have to go back to ogling coworkers my own age.
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My condolences to your new roommate.
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