1. Manny Pacquiao Being Sued By Fans For Failure To Disclose That He's Kind Of A Punk Ass

Boxer Manny Pacquiao—as well as the promoters of his recent highly publicized match—are facing numerous class-action lawsuits on behalf of gamblers who were delusional enough to put money on him beating Floyd Mayweather and boxing fans who were dumb enough to pay $100 to watch a boxing match on TV. Pacquiao, the suits contend, should have disclosed that he was harboring a shoulder injury. Also, he should have been better at his job.

Maybe the moral of the story is don't pay so much money to watch boxing?
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) May 3, 2015

2. U2 Forces Subway Station Full Of Innocent People To Listen To Their Music

Members of the Irish pop-rock band U2 have returned to their hobby of foisting their music upon unsuspecting people who just want to go about their lives without listening to their music. The band performed a surprise concert in the subterranean passages underneath New York City's Grand Central Station on Monday.

Unbelievable! U2/Jimmy Fallon performing at Grand Central #onlyinnewyork #grateful #jimmyfallon #u2

A video posted by Regine (@regineem) on May 4, 2015 at 6:57pm PDT

Finally listened to that U2 album that showed up on my phone and it's actually just 48 minutes of Bono laughing while sorting money.
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) March 11, 2015

3. Nebraska Woman Suing Every Gay Person Everywhere For Illegally Being Gay

A 66-year-old Nebraska woman is suing the global population of homosexuals in its entirety for sinful, immoral behavior on behalf of the plaintiffs, "God, and His Son, Jesus Christ." Sylvia Driskell is asking a U.S. district judge to decide if homosexuality "is a sin, or not a sin." Please keep Driskell v. Homosexuals in mind when you're trying to figure which side of the argument you'd like to be on.

"its easier to hate than learn a new thing" - homophobes and also people that only like the original 150 pokemon
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 10, 2014

4. Feminist Bullies Steal Cowering Conservatives' Anti-Feminism Hashtag

After radio host Doc Thompson asked his legions of conservative Twitter followers for "tips on #HowToSpotAFeminist???," something sadly predictable happened. A bunch of mean-spirited, liberal feminsists swooped in and took the hashtag away from him, using it as an opportunity to spread their dangerous message of rationality and equality. Isn't that just like a woman? Always take, take, take.

#HowToSpotAFeminist Look in the mirror. Do you believe in equality for all people? If yes, congratulations! You have spotted a feminist.
— The UnSlut Project (@UnSlutProject) May 5, 2015

5. Reese Witherspoon Strives For Gwyneth Paltrow Levels Of Respect

Unhappy with simply being the most adorable thing on two legs with 50,000 teeth, Reese Witherspoon is jumping into the lifestyle business, just like Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow. DraperJames.com—named for her grandparents Dorothea Draper and William James—is a website designed to help you "bring contemporary, yet timeless Southern style to your wardrobe and your home" and live more Witherspoon-ish lives.

Reese Witherspoon can't even sit on a bench without being cute about it.
— Shira Danan (@sdpop42) March 4, 2015

Yo mama's so rich, she's got her own ZIP code because our country is highly segregated by wealth and she doesn't like living near poor people.

The map shows the top 3 ZIP codes in each state, and the bottom graph lists the top 100 ZIP codes overall.(click to expand) (via Experian)

The "yo mama" line at the top of this article is barely a joke, because not only are many of these ultra-rich ZIP codes very homogenous (i.e. rich people and rich people only), they're also very small—even when they're in the middle of New York City proper, where 8.4 million people live in 305 square miles.

(via Experian)

The map itself only lists the top 3 ZIP codes from each state, but the bottom chart shows the top 100 ZIP codes overall (which leads to a big overrepresentation of New York and it's tiny neighborhood ZIP codes). As you may have also heard about NYC and other big cities, a lot of poor folks live there, too. Many of New Jersey's top ZIP codes (though not #2, New Vernon) are within a 15-minute drive from Newark...which is not one of the top ZIPs. The richest of the rich spots, however, seem to actually be retirement areas for the super-wealthy, like Miami Beach.

(via Experian)

So, where are the poorest ZIP codes, I'm sure you're asking? A lot of them are near military bases or colleges, because although the people who work at those bases and schools make OK salaries, they support the incomes of everyone around them. A lot of them are also tiny and rural. If you only look at ZIP codes with over 20,000 tax returns (which the top map does not do, just to be clear), you find a lot that are right next door to the rich ones:

(via Mongabay, the same data source as the map)

I don't have data for the most average ZIP codes in America, and some light Googling for "most average cities in America" turned up only unreliable-looking information. So, who do we ask? Our nation's huge corporations, of course, who seek out average places to test out new products. Here are the top ten cities Fortune 500 companies use to test products on "average" Americans:

1. Albany, NY
2. Rochester, NY
3. Greensboro, NC
4. Birmingham, AL
5. Syracuse, NY
6. Charlotte, NC
7. Nashville, TN
8. Springfield, OR
9. Wichita, KS
10. Richmond, VA

Interestingly, Charlotte, Greensboro, Wichita and Memphis are both "average" cities and contain some of the wealthiest ZIP codes in their state. I wonder what makes these cities more "average" despite also containing pockets of wealth.

In conclusion, let's remind ourselves that the American dream is still within reach for millions of Americans...well, within driving distance, anyway.

The Harlem Globetrotters had an audience with the pope in Rome.

With his transformative policies and massive popularity, Pope Francis seems well on his way to sainthood. But being a great pope isn't enough to make you a saint. If he wants to be sanctified, Pope Francis will have to pull off at least two miracles. And who better to teach him than the most miraculous basketball team of all time: the Harlem Globetrotters.

Today we met with @Pontifex (Pope Francis) & named him an Honorary @Globies. Photo © L'Osservatore Romano Foto. pic.twitter.com/zvzV7QgWz2
— Harlem Globetrotters (@Globies) May 6, 2015

In their brief meeting, His Holiness didn't quite get the hang of spinning the ball on his finger, but that's OK. He was made an honorary Globetrotter anyway, and given his own jersey emblazoned with the name "Pope Francis" and the number 90, for his age. Incidentally, I didn't realize he was 90. He looks good! That's a miracle right there.

Interestingly, this isn't the first time a pope has met with the Globetrotters. Pope John Paul II met with the team back in 2000. Benedict never did though. He's a Generals fan.

It's like an episode of 'Inside The Actors Studio' but with no pauses or thoughts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in more movies than you remember. Luckily, The Late Late Show with James Corden reminded us of each and every one of them in a six minute reenactment.

The nostalgia I felt while watching this video was only eclipsed by the feeling of fear I had when I realized Arnold, at the age of 67, could definitely still kill me with one hand.

Have your social media feeds been blown up this week by mothers gushing about the euphoric wonders of having offspring? Just in time for Mother's Day, here are nine ways to let those moms know that when you're child-free, every day is your special day. Enjoy these unique blessings that only non-mothers can truly understand.

This is really cool, even if it wasn't "created by a group of dogs." (It wasn't, right?)

According to Canismo, the creators of this video, "Canismo is an artistic movement created by a group of dogs that aims to help with the support and adoption of sheltered animals." That's a great goal, but if this very-well-done video was created by dogs, why isn't the Canismo group leading with that? It seems like "Talented dogs learn to operate cameras, properly light a room, master slow-motion, and promote a video" would probably get more attention.

The only thing not wonderful about watching this video is the one shot of the red paint splattering, which totally looks like blood. I guess that's one way to say, "Seriously, adopt these pets, or you don't know what will happen."

Pancake artist Nathan Shields knew just the thing to make his daughter's morning.

So many parents can't even get their kids to eat. But by harnessing his own artistic skills and the unbelievable power of Frozen, Nathan Shields was able to elicit a Price Is Right-level reaction from his daughter. He even got her to participate, gleefully coloring in various Disney princesses' hair with Nutella. He's our top contender so far for Dad of the Year.

If you just want a never-ending loop of that joy shot, here's a gif:

FP Edit: For these are saying this is probably fake,here de sauce: <a class="youtube-link" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoRgXo5IE60">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KoRgXo5IE60</a>

This graphic designer said the worst thing about cancer wasn't the painful treatments—it was the lackluster condolences from friends and family. So, she decided to make cards that expressed what patients really want to hear.

Cancer sucks nevertheless.(Via Emily McDowell Studio)

Fourteen years ago, Los Angeles graphic designer Emily McDowell was diagnosed with third-stage Hodgkin's lymphoma. After nine months of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, she was cancer-free. The worst part, however, was feeling awful because people so consistently said the wrong thing in their attempts to console her. Friends and family repeated the same empty platitudes we all give to sick relatives: "let me know if I can do anything," and "everything happens for a reason." Or they said nothing at all.

Now the publisher of original greeting cards, McDowell just launched a greeting card line called Empathy Cards. They say exactly what she hoped people would have said to her during her cancer treatment—honest, blunt, funny, and even profound, and reflecting the different moods experienced by a cancer patient from one day to the next. Here are some examples.

(Via Emily McDowell Studio)

(Via Emily McDowell Studio)

(Via Emily McDowell Studio)

You can see many more of these funny and touching cards at Emily McDowell's website.

In a note from one of his 6th grade students, this teacher found out that he's not fun, he's "fun-ish." Ouch.

Taking teacher appreciation to a somewhat patronizing level. (via imgur)

It's teacher appreciation week, and this math teacher (redditor roxothedog) received a seriously great note from one of his students. Here is the unedited text of the note:

"Dear Mr. _____
This week is a week to appreciat what our teachers have done for us. This letter is sent to one of my favorite teachers. Thanks for teaching us one of my favorite subjects. You teach in a fun-ish way which is one of the reason your one of my favorite teachers. You have a sense of humor that you express that other teachers would supress. You are sort of a man-child. Thanks for admitting for your mistakes, sometimes.
Sincerely,
_______"

This kid really lets the truth fly. The note has an air of political diplomacy, stating the facts without showing any emotion. It also expresses gratitude without boosting the teacher's ego too much. I hope the teacher took being called a "man-child" as the highest compliment, because it's hard to hold on to childlike whimsy in your 30s!

I'd really love to get my hands on the notes this student wrote to other teachers to see how the math teacher holds up against his peers. They'd be much more useful in judging teacher efficacy than standardizedtesting.

Also, I can't stop laughing at this line:

(via imgur)

What is the sound of one hand slow clapping after hearing all these funny thoughts?

Ann Kendrick has given us a lot to ponder. She's asked the big questions like: why aren't there more naked men on Game of Thrones? Or: why can't she masturbate to a Ryan Gosling movie in the theater?

Glamour Magazine made her to go even deeper with "Shower Thoughts." Now the Pitch Perfect actress is making everyone wish they could forget how many difficult questions the universe poses every day, whether we want to admit it or not.

All right. They're not her thoughts, but the best "shower thoughts" from this subreddit.

Previously, the great Nick Offerman did his own hilarious reading of similar thoughts.

A Nebraska woman cited a higher authority for her lawsuit against every gay person in the world.

"Do you solemnly swear that this trial will be entertaining?"(stock photo)

66-year-old Sylvia Driskell of Auburn, Nebraska is on a mission. She says she's an ambassador for God and his son, Jesus Christ, and she takes that responsibility seriously. In fact, she's taking it all the way to the courtroom.

Driskell has filed a lawsuit against all the homosexuals in the world, and is asking a federal judge to rule on whether homosexuality is a sin.

Three-ring binder paper. Classy touch.(via NBC News)

In her handwritten seven-page petition, titled Driskell v. Homosexuals, she writes that:

“homosexuality is a sin and that they the homosexuals know it is a sin to live a life of homosexuality. Why else would they have been hiding in the closet(?)"

Maybe because there are people like her out there? She argues that God (the one who appointed her His ambassador) says that homosexuality is an abomination. She is challenging the court to either side with her, or to call God a liar. She adds:

“I never thought that I would see a day in which our great nation or our own great state of Nebraska would become so compliant to the complicity of some people('s) lewd behavior."

We'll keep our eyes peeled for further developments in this thrilling legal drama. By the way, Driskell is representing herself. I can't believe lawyers weren't jumping at the chance to take this case! It probably sounds too good to be true.

One of the many signs that God does not love all of creation is that He still allows the lowly Sea Cucumber to live on this planet.

Like a rotten, wart-covered gourd loved by no one, the Sea Cucumber waits patiently to die.
(image via Imgur)

Like all God-fearing people living on this Earth, my faith is sometimes shaken. Loved ones perish suddenly, famines sweep entire nations, and sinners are handed material rewards while good and holy people suffer in poverty. But none of the above can hold a candle to the feeling of doubt I experience when I look upon the Sea Cucumber.

The Sea Cucumber camouflages itself as large phallus-shaped toy intended to give pleasure to women, but brings only pain to those who witness its tragic existence.
(image via Thinkstock)

There are over 1,250 known species of Sea Cucumber, each suffering its own strange fate that only an unjust and cruel God would allow to continue. They are found the world over, mostly functioning as living sewers for the bottom of the ocean. They ingest any and all detritus, breaking it down into bacteria-food for all the surrounding bacteria. They are nature's equivalent to having a human trash compactor who is never permitted to leave your sewage-flooded basement. Shame on us for allowing this abject creature to continue living.

And, lo, God looked upon what He had made and said: "Not terrible enough." The Giant Sea Cucumber (the king of this bastard race) has been documented consuming food through its anus. It has a mouth, which does most of the eating, but it also consumes food through its anus. It basically subjects itself to Guantanamo Bay rectal feeding by choice.

Not only is the Sea Cucumber's anus also a mouth, it's a halfway house for tiny fish as well. The Sea Cucumber's buttmouth is home to the Pearlfish, a slender creature that uses the sea cucumber's anal cavity for nourishment and protection in its larval stage. Then, the Pearlfish grows up, realizes where it's been living, and leaves. Any being that needs to rent out its buttmouth to some teen eel in order to live is truly unfortunate indeed.

If only the mouth/anus could speak, it would garble a plea for us to kill it.
(image via Thinkstock)

When it's not letting other animals live in its anus, the Sea Cucumber can be seen barely moving along the ocean floor, as there is nothing to be excited about in its existence. When it finally picks a fight with another being (probably to take out the aggression built up from years of boredom), the Sea Cucumber's defense mechanism is to tear out its own organs and shoot them from its anus at enemies. The internal organs then regenerate so the beast can continue this ungodly cycle of self-mutilation.

The one saving grace given this creature is that it has no brain. It can only react to its surroundings, and will never be fully conscious of its terrible life.

Watch these sick documentarians attempt to elevate the star power of the Sea Cucumber and its depraved existence on a program meant for children and adults, all at risk of losing their faith:

I ask you, God: why? Why would a perfect being allow this awful monster to be made? And why would you let those created in your image discover everything about it? My only guess is that you want us to see how bad it could have gotten for us if you felt like it. I live in fear.

Your feeble skills are no match for the bark side.

I'm gonna be honest with you, The Pet Collective's two-minute video is a little bit hard to follow if you're not at least cursorily familiar with the six-hour trilogy that George Lucas made between 1977 and 1983. You might be like, "Wait, who's that dog? And why did that dog say that thing to that other dog?" But generally, you'll get the gist. So, don't worry about it too much.

Once you've fully digested that and spent a couple hundred dollars on collectables, check out the their trailer for the upcoming Star Paws: The Furrce Awakens. It's gonna be the dog-themed movie of the year:

Related: 'The Avengers: Age of Ultron,' but with adorable kittens.

McDonald's revealed today it is changing the face of one of its most iconic brand ambassadors. After over 13 years out of the public eye, the Hamburglar is back with a new douchey look:

Please don't make me keep your secrets.(photo via Mashable)

Why must our trusted corporations change the original characters they brainwashed us into identifying with in the first place? Hamburglar was just settling into the cozy corporate nostalgia part of my brain, right next to that insanely obnoxious Zima guy!

Sure, the original Hamburglar's appearance raised some questions (Why the cape? How did he eat burgers with only one tooth? What horrific birth defect caused his giant, goofy head and hilarious speech impediment?), but he was a lovable loser, just like everyone who tries to order McDonald's breakfast after 10:30am.

The new Hamburglar just looks like a date rapist from a Dick Tracy comic strip:

He reeks of stale french fries and Axe body spray.(photo via Mashable)

He seems to have a compelling backstory, though. McDonald's suggests the Hamburglar went straight, moved to the suburbs with his wife, and fathered a son (That's right, guys! The Hamburglar got laid!). Unfortunately, the siren song of sirloin burgers causes him to relapse to his criminal ways. Let's watch:

Wait, is this who we think it is??!https://t.co/rc9xhQrAUi
— McDonald's (@McDonalds) May 6, 2015

YOU'RE MAKING BURGERS ALREADY, YOU DON'T NEED TO STEAL THEM, HAMBURGLAR!

Let's hope McDonald's doesn't boldly reimagine any other classic McDonaldland characters or they'll turn Mayor McCheese into Frank Underwood and Grimace into Terry Crews in body paint (I would actually be fine with that).

The Hamburglar is a real person now! Lol! A real person who steals McDonald's! Lol! A real, obviously starving, desperate person. lolololol

— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) May 6, 2015

Kevin Bacon posted an Instagram photo that makes it look like he got fat, and everybody thinks it's "because he ate too much bacon" — LOL! OMG! ROFLsomeonekillme!

Maybe this was a cup of butter? (via Kevin Bacon on Instagram)

For fuck's sake, The Internet. Calm down. Take a seat. We need to discuss some things:

1. Yes, Kevin Bacon posted a picture to Instagram that makes it look like he gained weight. Here it is, because I know you would burn me at your e-stakes if I didn't:

2. So, yes, Mr. Bacon looks chubbier than usual. He's also an "actor," a word that actually means "guy who changes his appearance in order to perform as other people," and not "dude who always looks exactly the same" (unless you're Paul Rudd).

3. Every goddamn wannabe jokester has made a comment about how the man ate too much bacon, and you all need to stop now. I do love (and write) a lot of groaners that'd get me straight-up beheaded if I was working as a medieval court jester (J/K! If it was the middle ages, I'd be raising 17 kids* and subsistence farming). But we can all be better than this, right?

Kevin Bacon has been having too much bacon. pic.twitter.com/BgFtlTraPC
— Skip Bayless (@FunSkipBayless) May 6, 2015

Kevin with extra Bacon?http://t.co/BQhJ6TKQwWpic.twitter.com/M5uij56P8Y
— Today's WTF (@todays_wtf) May 6, 2015

Kevin (too much) Bacon http://t.co/3SM9f0IUrTpic.twitter.com/sy1weH7X2y
— Digital Spy (@digitalspy) May 6, 2015

Look, I just spent 30 seconds looking at the man's IMDB, and here are some different jokes. I won't say they're "good," and some of them are even terrible! But at least they're different:

• "The only 'Following' Kevin Bacon has been doing is following cheesecake with doughnuts."
• "If your foot was loose, you'd have a hard time exercising too!"
• "A Few Good Men eat a few good pizzas, and this is where you end up."
• "Why was Apollo 13 named Apollo 13? Because Kevin Bacon ate Apollo 1 through 12."

See? Now, the next time there's an easy celebrity zinger, you can try this yourself.

* 7 alive kids; 10 dead.

This video is my new mascot, because really, what sums up life more than someone shitting on you and then running away?

Sometimes, nature has perfect moments. A sunset, casting reds and golds across the sky. A dolphin leaping up out of the ocean. And now, this: A jerk-ass owl wet-pooping on its compatriot and running away.

I love this video because it can be so many things: A meditation on the fleeting nature of friendship. A reminder that we have all been both the shitter and the shittee. Hell, it could even be a metaphor for how corporations are using us normal citizens to shit on each other (I mean, did you even see that satellite dish there? THINK ABOUT IT).

Make today count, everyone. Don't poop on your loved ones.

If you've never seen 12 Angry Men, you're a terrible American and know nothing about film. If you don't think Amy Schumer is hot enough to be on TV, you're kind of a piece of shit for even asking the question.

This isn't going to win me any converts among the commenters who accuse me of being a feminazi collaborator on a regular basis, but this 12 Angry Men parody about Amy Schumer's fuckability made me feel really good about the state of comedy, public discourse, and the future of humanity in general. 12 Angry Men is one of those few films that makes you think both "wow, people are garbage" and "y'know what, maybe these hairless monkeys have a shot at this democracy thing after all."

The fact that Schumer dedicated AN ENTIRE EPISODE to this—I repeat, the entire episode is a parody of the classic 1957 Sidney Lumet film in which this star-studded cast (yes, that's Paul Giamatti and Jeff Goldblum) argues about whether Amy Schumer is pretty enough to be turned into pixels and blasted over the airwaves—makes me feel the same way. You should go watch it, or if you don't have time, check out some of these other amazing sketches that have made waves in the past few weeks:

See also: This depressingly hilarious doll will prepare your daughters for real life.

See also: Tina Fey, Amy Schumer, and Patricia Arquette celebrate Julia Louis-Dreyfus's last f*ckable day.

See also: Amy Schumer upends the rise of the butt with this physiologically accurate club hit.

You might be wondering why so many Inside Amy Schumer sketches have been making the blog rounds recently. Are they paying us, you might (and often do) ask? No. That would be fucking great, though. Unfortunately for my personal income, they are not. It's just because they're good.