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Watch this baby raccoon peacefully protest its mom's tree climbing lesson.

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Mommy will teach you to climb a tree, even if you just lay there like a lump, sweetie.

There's nothing like a mom's quiet persistence to get a kid a-climbing. Almost everything I've ever done that I didn't want to, but my mom did, was won through her gentle nudging. And then eventually taking me by the scruff and shaking me.

This baby raccoon is an expert at the passive avoidance kids learn when there are chores or homework to be done. Say yes, but do nothing. In the end though, mom triumphs. It was for your own good, baby raccoon!


Canada Day

These guys built a giant fighting robot and they're challenging Japan's top mech to a duel.

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Finally, the apocalyptic cartoons of my youth can be the apocalyptic reality of what may be my final days.

Screw hoverboards. If you watched cartoons or played MechWarrior any time in the past few decades, you've probably been wondering where the giant fighting robots we were promised are. We were tempted as children with fun visions of a planet laid waste by these giant war machines, but alas, we have been kept waiting for giant piloted robots. Sure, Pacific Rim was fun, but it was basically just watching someone play Dance Dance Revolution inside Voltron's CGI head while fighting CGI super-Godzillas. Where is the smoke and real-life risk of death and mayhem?

It's friggin' here, that's where. American robotics company and tempters-of-fate MegaBots, Inc have created this awesome battle mech, complete with (non-lethal, pretty fun-looking) paintball weaponry. What's more, they've challenged Suidobashi Heavy Industries, the Japanese makers of the Kurata mech (above) to a duel. As they note, this will require either the Mark II scaling up its weapons or the Kurata (equipped with actual lethal gatling guns) de-lethalizing theirs. From the standpoint of these duels becoming legal, I guess paintball all around is the safest option. Either way, I, for one, look forward to surveying this duel as the combatants turn the land around them into an ash-heap of glory.

These kids did a better job explaining same-sex marriage than most of the media did.

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'Jimmy Kimmel Live' asked kids on the street what gay marriage is.

This video is adorable, but it also makes a good point. It's like Kids Say the Darndest Things meets Thomas Paine's Common Sense.

One of the classic criticisms of gay marriage is this: "How do I explain it to my kids?" It always seemed like less of a criticism and more of an admission of bad parenting skills to me, but Jimmy Kimmel and his staff decided to take it seriously. They figured the best way to settle the issue would be to flip the script, and have kids explain gay marriage to adults.

As it turns out, they get the gist of it. It's basically as easy to understand as straight marriage. Good thing it's legal now, because that argument is starting to look pretty silly.

Jim Carrey posted pictures of kids with autism to make a misinformed point about vaccines.

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With the passing of California's mandatory childhood vaccine law, SB 277, anti-vaxxers were enraged, including Jim Carrey.

He also has 14 million Twitter followers and he's not afraid to shared his ill-informed opinions and lies with all of them. He also shared pictures of kids who presumably have autism and also presumably permission.

Go f*ck yourself, Jim Carrey. It's a reasonable request! If you don't know, Carrey is primarily protesting the inclusion of thimerosal, a mercury-containing organic compound. It has been used for decades in trace amounts in vaccines to prevent those delivered through multiple dose vials from going bad. Even though there is no research that suggests thimerosal is dangerous to humans, most vaccines are now single-vial, so they don't need to use it.

You know what doesn't make sense? Protesting giving thimerosal to children during their vaccine schedule WHEN THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAPPEN. From the CDC:

There is no thimerosal used in the vaccines on the childhood immunization schedule.

There you have it. Not only is the thing you're afraid of not even happening, it has no connection to the thing you think happens when that non-happening thing happens. Threatening people with the face of a child who has autism is absolutely disgusting. It disrespects the families and people living with autism who don't deserve to be pointed to as the worst possible thing facing Californians. The kind of rhetoric Jim Carrey is spewing is ableist and hateful, period.

Hopefully, California's future won't include Jim Carrey's continued career. IT'S A REASONABLE REQUEST!

Your fireworks buying guide for a great Independence Day.

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Celebrate the destruction of brutish British colonial rule with the destruction of bulk Chinese explosives.


Independence Day is fast approaching, and with it comes the thrill of playing with fireworks. In most states, certain explosive fireworks are illegal, but if you have some property outside of town and your uncle's got a buddy on the local police force, who's gonna stop you?

Well, I am, for just a second. Remember that fireworks are not toys. Well, they are, but very dangerous toys nonetheless. Remember—regardless of the hysterical jokes to follow—never hold any explosive or burning object in your hand and never use fireworks indoors. These mannequins thought they could ignore safety rules, and you can see what happened to them:

If you're looking to really thrill the family with your homemade pyrotechnics, then you're going to need a little information about what blows up best before you get to blow it up. This handy guide will take you through the different types of fireworks you can buy in order of least-to-most fun to blow up.

Magic Snakes

LEGAL IN: Fucking everywhere because they suck.

IGNITION: These stupid little distractions are what fireworks shops sell in their permanent clearance section. Carbon snakes come in a box of 20 for a nickel. These little creeps start as sooty pucks and just get less fun from there. Igniting them is a huge pain. It cannot be done with a punk lighter, but instead needs a full open flame. If you can master the delicate timing needed to light a Magic Snake with a match, then get ready for a Freudian nightmare. Out of the hissing flames comes a ropey black monstrosity accompanied by the smell of burning sulfur. The Magic Snake really brings to life the experience of watching Satan take a shit. When the show is over, the snake immediately crumbles into ash and your dad's back patio is permanently stained.

VERDICT: Send these things back to hell.

Sparklers

LEGAL IN: In certain states, they are birthday candles.

IGNITION: A metal stick covered in potassium nitrate, the Sparkler is somehow the firework we feel the most comfortable handing to babies. The energetic crackle of the Sparkler inspires children to frolic and flail their arms, creating beautiful trails of light as the kids spin and dodge each other with heart-stopping precision. While sparklers are certainly inspiring and magical, be sure to have a bucket of water handy for disposal once the they finish spot-welding themselves.

VERDICT: Doesn't blow up, but at least it's not a magic snake.

Smoke bombs

LEGAL IN: Heavy metal shows and ninja fights.

IGNITION: Compact and colorful, the smoke bomb is an essential for any would-be pyromaniac prankster. These are as fun to light and throw as they are miserable to step on. And if that's not enough, they also get deceptively hot. Play it safe and cool by putting a smoke bomb in a bottle or can first. It'll be like you're summoning a genie, except he's running late. Smoke bombs are also one of the few fireworks that only work in the daytime.

VERDICT: Lots of fun, but still no explosion.

Bang-bangs

LEGAL IN: States with high concentrations of bullies.

IGNITION: Bang-bangs—also known as pop-pops, throw-bangs, and anything else you might call your grandfather—are tiny packages of self-striking gunpowder. Throw them at a hard surface like the ground or a little brother and they'll snap with a fierce alacrity.

VERDICT: Good to have handy for on-the-go mayhem.

Firearms

LEGAL IN: Every state in this proud union.

IGNITION: Squeeze the trigger on a loaded firearm to launch a speeding bullet projectile and produce a loud report. Aim away from all people and creatures unless you want to kill them. Firearms are the original Independence Day fireworks display. They're as much fun today as they were in 1776.

VERDICT: Deadly, not very colorful, but legal to use all year round.

Roman candles

LEGAL IN: Mostly Rome.

IGNITION: Lit like a normal candle, the roman candle spits bright orbs of light in unpredictable arcs, either loudly fizzling out or exploding at unpredictable intervals. Roman candles are tempting to hold because you can pretend you have a magic wand, but after a few cans of liquid Independence Day cheer, you might find yourself shooting red hot burning chemicals at your family. Save the spell-casting routine for when you are playing wizard by yourself.

VERDICT: Wild, colorful, unpredictable, and dangerous; like the love of a good Roman woman.

Bottle rockets

LEGAL IN: The trunk of your car.

IGNITION: Small, compact, and cheaper per pound than flour, bottle rockets are simple fireworks that zip into the air (ideally) and crack with a sudden explosion (again, ideally). Notoriously fickle, the bottle rocket's popularly comes from its suspiciously low price. Often sold in a gross (144, or a dozen dozens), it's meant to be cheap and disposable. This also leads to more risky behaviors like throwing them at the last possible second, using them as ammunition in bottle rocket fights, or even trying them to your penis for a laugh like in Jackass 5: The Legend of Steve-O's Gold.

VERDICT: The most bangs for your buck.

Parachuters

LEGAL IN: International airspace.

IGNITION: Like the basic sky rocket, but equipped with a bonus feature. After zooming into the air and exploding in a red or green blast, the rocket body comes down buffeted by a built-in parachute. It's whimsical and fun to catch. However, the parachuting apparatus does not hold up to repeat missions. You quickly realize you're just catching your own warm garbage.

VERDICT: Buy a few. If you buy one or two, you'll think you're being smart, but you're cheating yourself out of fun.

Skyrockets

LEGAL IN: The blind spots of local law enforcement.

IGNITION: A substantial piece of pyrotechnics, the sky rocket is the star of your fireworks extravaganza. Much larger than the simple bottle rocket. You're going to need a pipe sticking out of the ground or a heavy jug to properly send one of these into the air. With a quick light, skyrockets zoom high up and explode in primary colors that your aunts will love. They are rather loud, so if you are shooting them off in the city, be sure to frequently change location, or else you'll be arrested. Plus, you'll spread the joy of unexpected explosions throughout the neighborhood.

VERDICT: If you didn't get at least six of these for when the sun goes down, you screwed up your Fourth.

Mortar rounds

LEGAL IN: The next state over.

IGNITION: Mostly sold as a pack, mortar rounds are for the more experienced backyard pyrotechnician (or just a total psycho). The pack comes with a mortar tube that is supposed to sit flat on the ground and a variety of bright explosion effects to dazzle the family. Each round must be carefully placed into the mortar tube, or else your next big boom will flop out of the tube, explode on the ground, and give everyone a great excuse to visit the hospital together.

VERDICT: A great centerpiece for any homemade explosion show.

M-1000s

LEGAL IN: Nowhere.

IGNITION: This is a no-kidding quarter-stick of dynamite. It's the very definition of light and get away. M-1000's are not colorful nor dazzling. They are for pure destruction. Great for blowing apart valuable possessions or for sending burning shrapnel into your eyeballs. If you are looking to remove a body part and don't have health insurance, look no further than the M-1000.

VERDICT: Illicit explosive power that is sexually fulfilling.

Sorry men, but a bunch of famous dudes said it's not OK to wear flip flops.

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Alright, fine. Some of the men said it's fine to wear flip flops, but those men are wrong.


These men in flip-flops aren't super-gross from this distance.(stock)

Is it ok for men to wear flip flops? The short answer: no. The long answer: only in specific environments and even then, maybe. As pictured above, here are three places it's quasi-acceptable to wear flip flops:

a. A pool where you are a lifeguard.
b. On a dock all by yourself.
c. In a parking lot with a bird, also all by yourself.
d. [not pictured] The beach, where you can hide your feet in the sand.

But you don't have to take my word for it, take the word of famous men, because their opinions matter more. The Cut interviewed male celebrities about this important political debate topic, and here are some of their answers.

Seth Meyers: "I have been anti-flip-flops for a long time."

Mike Birbiglia: "I'm against it. I'm deeply against it. We need to stop it now, because male foot hygiene is just deplorable, abhorrent."

Wyatt Cenac: "It's good as, like, beach- or poolwear. I don't know, flip-flops in the city just terrify me because you've basically opened yourself up to a foot massage from a rat."

Chris Hardwick: "They're only functional for sand."

Horatio Sanz: "Hell, no. I'm against it. I wouldn't wear flip-flops on the beach, that's how against it I am."

Fabolous: "I don't see that in my near future. I can never say never but I don't see it right now."

Well, that sums it up, men should NOT wear flip flops. Check out more male opinions about open-toed shoes here.

Google apologized after its app called two users something extremely racist.

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Google's new auto-tagging algorithm for Google Photos turned out to be a racist a-hole.

Google has never been afraid to roll out experimental new technology and let users catch the bugs. It's actually the best way to develop software. But that philosophy fails when your software starts spewing racial slurs.

Jacky Alciné is a computer programmer from Brooklyn, NY. He uploaded a number of pictures to Google Photos this week, and got a nasty surprise. A new update to the app allows it to automatically tag pictures and sort them into categories based on similarity to sample images. Basically, the app knows what photos are of food, landscapes, buildings, people, and animals. Or it's supposed to.

The app sorted the photos of Alciné and a friend of his into an album labelled "gorillas." Considering that "gorilla" is a slur for black people, and that both Alciné and his friend are black, that's pretty bad. What's worse is that these photos were singled out from a larger collection, the rest of which were properly labeled. Alciné uploaded the proof to Twitter:

Less than an hour and a half later, Google's Chief Social Architect Yonatan Zunger wrote back to Alciné in full damage-control mode:

Google's devs immediately went to work fixing the error. First, they removed the "gorilla" tag entirely, but a more permanent solution will take a lot of work. In an extended Twitter thread, Zunger explained that their facial recognition software had difficulty processing "dark-skinned faces." He added that light-skinned faces were a challenge they had just recently overcome.

This is actually a pretty great example of customer relations. Zunger responded immediately with multiple apologies and a concerted effort to fix the problem, and Alciné thanked him for it. Google responded officially too – in a statement to Ars Technica, a spokesperson said:

"We're appalled and genuinely sorry that this happened. We are taking immediate action to prevent this type of result from appearing. There is still clearly a lot of work to do with automatic image labeling, and we're looking at how we can prevent these types of mistakes from happening in the future."

Good work, Google. Here's one step you can take to prevent it from happening again: don't get racist great-grandfathers to write your software.


Thinking Of You

Canada Day

Be Todrick Hall's guest through 75 years of Disney songs compressed into 5 minutes.

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With how obsessed the Internet is with the good and bad aspects of Disney Princesses, I completely forgot about the awesome songs.

There are myriad famous and non-famous singers and songwriters behind the tunes in this three-quarters-of-a-century-spanning medley, but the man bringing them to life is YouTube star Todrick Hall.

Related: The video that brought Todrick Hall YouTube stardom: "What 'Mean Girls' would look like at an all-black high school."

Sometimes, I felt myself both simultaneously cringing and enjoying it, like with the songs from Dumbo, which has some real problems with the ethnic characteristics of various animal characters—other times I found myself smiling widely at songs I forgot, like tunes from Aristocats. One thing is for certain, however: it may not have been the best movie, but the theme from Hercules was awesome.

You can now take selfies at the White House.

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A momentous day for selfie rights.

The White House just lifted its ban on taking pictures during tours, a ban that has been around for forty years (Thanks a lot, Nixon!). First Lady Michelle Obama announced the news on a hip new app called "Instagram." Make sure to stick around for a bonus 4-second blooper after the 8-second video is over! I know, right? What a fun-but-also-professional First Lady.

You can read the official (i.e. more boring) policy change on the White House's website:

As of July 1, 2015, Smartphones and compact cameras with a lens no longer than 3 inches (stills only) are permitted on the public tour route as long as their use does not interfere with other guests' enjoyment of the tour.

Video cameras including any action camcorders, cameras with detachable lenses, tablets, tripods, monopods and camera sticks are not permitted.

Flash photography or live stream as well as talking or texting on cellular phones is not permitted while on the tour.

As I'm sure you guessed, the White House is in the process of hiring a "Deputy Executive Chairman of Measuring Camera Lenses" and a "Secretary of Defense Against Selfie Sticks." Visitors were encouraged today to snap pictures with the hashtag #WhiteHouseTour. Just going through Instagram, you can see that people are already all over that shit:




The White House invited photographers, bloggers, and media outlets to come and celebrate the lifted photography ban today. Cameras on cameras. @cubbygraham #WhiteHouseTour
A photo posted by Becky Harlan (@beckharlan) on



Selfies galore on the public White House tour this morning. #whitehousetour
A photo posted by Pete Souza (@petesouza) on



Inside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, where the first selfies, snaps, hyperlapses, #fromwhereistand tags and many more are being brought to life from within The White House. Way to go, @whitehouse! #WhiteHouseTour
A photo posted by Zach Glassman (@zachspassport) on

White House tours just got a lot more annoying.

Real love.

Who should Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner marry next? A list that is none of our business.

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I hate to be the four thousandth person to break the bad news to you, but Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are getting divorced.


(via Getty)

The surprising thing about it is that it's none of our business, and neither is anything about their past, present, or future dating lives. Based on never having met them and knowing nothing about their true selves, though, I do have some ideas about who might make them happy. For the purposes of this thought experiment, I'm ignoring celebrity marital statuses and that fact that Affleck and Garner didn't ask for my input.

The Because-You-Can Option
If you're really, really famous, you can date, like, anyone. Which highlights some horrifying truths about our society if you think about it too long. Unless you're Jennifer Garner or Ben Affleck.

For Jen: Leonardo DiCaprio

For Ben: Beyoncé

The Age Appropriate Pairing
I love when celebrities date, marry, and/or associate with people of an appropriate age, because it's so rare. My go-to age appropriate choice for most movie stars would be Rachel McAdams, but at 36, she's still a little younger than Affleck, 42, and Garner, 43. Plus she might be dating Taylor Kitsch now. And they might name their baby Coach Taylor.

For Jen: Bradley Cooper

For Ben: Jenny Lewis

The Strategic Career Choice
The much-discussed idea that celebrities sometimes marry each other as part of a mutually beneficial agreement to help both their careers is something that gives me hope for humankind's scheming abilities. I can humbly admit I'm no expert at power-matching, but I think it would be helpful for Jen to partner up with a wholesome man to reinforce her good girl persona while Ben would do well with someone elegant to solidify his A list/Argo-y side, even when he's off counting cards.

For Jen: Chris Pine

For Ben: Jessica Chastain

The Spouse Who's Not A Movie Star But Is Still In Hollywood
You know those Reese Witherspoons who marry an agent or other industry person who understands showbiz but isn't bogged down by the pitfalls of fame? Maybe they have the right idea.

For Jen: A handsome cinematographer

For Ben: Diablo Cody

The Person Who Keeps The Rhyme
"Jen and Ben" had a nice ring to it, and we know from past "Bennifer" experiences that Affleck always goes for cute couple nicknames. But there are other celebrities with rhyming first names in the sea.

For Jen: Benedict Cumberbatch

For Ben: Jennifer Lawrence.

Matt Damon
You know they've both thought about it.

For Jen: Matt Damon

For Ben: Matt Damon

Beach Onesies are here to help you avoid body-shaming on the beach this weekend.

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Why worry about your beach body when you can cover it up?


Wow, these look good on everyone.(via AboveAverage)

Do you avoid the beach because you're ashamed of your less-than-perfect physique? Would you rather climb into a coffin full of snakes than allow other human beings see you in a bathing suit? Have you ever wanted to leave the house wearing a giant blanket? You're in luck! Beach Onesie is here to save you from the waking nightmare of showing a beach-full of people your body.


They're having fun because they are TOTALLY COVERED UP.(via AboveAverage)

Sure, these McCarthy Genius Grant-worthy onesies are a creation of the comedy writers at Above Average, but I really wish they existed. I mean, what I really wish is that I could go to the beach and just be completely invisible, but Harry Potter won't let me borrow his cape thingy. Until then, here's the full video for the brilliant Beach Onesies:



New device revolutionizes dog washing; looks hilarious.

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No, this is not an SNL sketch.

After many years of painstaking experimentation, engineers have designed a state-of-the-art dog washer. Using experimental "hose" and "hula hoop" technology, the "Woof Washer 360" is a hollow ring that shoots out water from every angle, ensuring that your dog gets clean without the hassle of sponges or baths. Patent is still pending, but cheap knockoffs like the "Bark Scrubber 720" or "Ruff Rinser 900" will never be able to replace the ingenuity of this hydraulic tennis racket. Maybe one day, science will progress to the point where there's a human model. We can only hope...

These new red panda cubs are the cuteness you need to end your Wednesday right.

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I'm not a medical professional,* but I'm pretty sure looking at these red panda babies at the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute can improve your life 1000%.

Look, I never went to "MEDICAL SCHOOL" and I don't understand "SCIENCE" (I'm supposed to believe that the SUN is made of PLASMA like my HIGH-END TELEVISION?). But here is one thing I do know: looking at the Smithsonian Conservation Biology Institute's new BABY RED PANDAS will IMPROVE YOUR LIFE. Here is why:

1. The baby red pandas are CUTE.

2. SEE ABOVE.

I also have a few other ideas of THINGS THAT MIGHT IMPROVE YOUR LIFE:

1. A product called "DAY-2-NIGHT SOCKS." They are socks that easily go from your day look "2" your night look!

2. "EASY GREENS": Greens that "R" easy to eat. Maybe Gogurt-style spinach tubes??? Please contact me for investment opportunities!

3. ****For discerning customers only****: "PLATINUM GOLD." A high-end gold product for those who like GOLD, but wish it was MORE EXCLUSIVE.

4. MORE BABY PANDAS.

* You are still welcome to call me "Dr. Meg," though. Or maybe "Dr. Cool Meg, PhD."

All the big character deaths on 'Game of Thrones' are much more endearing as an 8-bit RPG.

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I guess nothing about this says it has to be an RPG but that's what the music makes me think of.

Ah, Game of Thrones. One of the classics of our time, I've decided it is a metaphor. A metaphor for the folly of ever growing attached to anyone. Because they will die. No matter how important to the plot they may seem, no matter how beloved they are, and no matter how much better off the world will be with them still in it, death George R.R. Martin will come for them. Nevertheless, when I see pipocaVFX's version of the Game of Thrones deaths, I'm at least comforted by the nostalgia of feeling like they're merely dying in an old Final Fantasy game or something. In which case (unless they're Aeris), they may well come back before the end! Like [PLOT AND THEORY SPOILER] Jon Snow will... I hope. And as all fans hope. He probably won't, though. Because that would be nice.

Stephen Colbert hosted a public access show, and it's so good I wish it was his full-time job.

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Stephen Colbert filled in as the host of Monroe, Michigan's 'Only in Monroe' public access program, and I love it more than any late-night program I've seen in the last year.

Stephen Colbert's studio for The Late Show isn't completed yet, but he isn't letting his hosting skills languish. Instead, Colbert recently headed to Monroe, Michigan, where he filled in as host of the local public access show Only in Monroe. The regular hosts had a special engagement they had to attend — being guests on the public access show they normally host, which was now being hosted by Stephen Colbert.

I love this so much. It combines all the awkwardness of a silent, audience-less public access show with Colbert's super-sharp jokes and performance. Plus, Eminem shows up as one of the guests. It's a fantastically uncomfortable interview, and Eminem makes this face when Colbert tells him "don't drink any sewage" that might've gotten into the water during recent flooding:


"Huh. I will seriously consider that." (via YouTube)

Please. Just watch this video. It is the best.

Canada Day

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