Teen YouTube star's natural voice sounds auto-tuned, and music has come full circle.

August 11, 2015, 8:01 am

≫ Next: Yellow-bellied man tries to make yellow-bellied marmot GTFO of his house.

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Finally, a human woman who can sing better than, and exactly like, a robot.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvaEaSR6Rcw

Emma Robinson is 18 years old, but her voice is timeless—because it sounds kind of digitized. She's been doing covers on her YouTube channel, and they're all pretty amazing. They also definitely seem manipulated by some kind of software, even though they're not. This is probably the effect of today's pop music on aspiring teen vocalists. People who grew up with Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey on the radio were trying to develop as huge a range as they possibly could, dancing up and down octaves, hitting their power note in every ballad. Sigh. Not anymore! Now all the kids want to sound like T-Pain singing a love song.

Though Emma sounds great, she aso REALLY does sound like her voice has been generated by a program. It's most notable for me when she hits all of Lana Del Rey's computerized high notes in "Young and Beautiful":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n34HtrtLB4I

There it is, the apex of music. A human voice, run through auto tune, but without the auto-tune. 

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Yellow-bellied man tries to make yellow-bellied marmot GTFO of his house.

August 11, 2015, 8:15 am

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A marmot found its way into this Boise man's new house.

You know when you're in high school and your party is about to be busted and you try to get people to leave before the cops or your parents show up? He pretty much did that but with a yellow-bellied marmot, also known as a rock chuck (its a type of ground squirrel). Here's a transcript of everything that he says, which kind of reads like an avant-garde beat poem out of context:

Okay, dude, you need to leave. Get out of my house. Go. Get. Don't fuckin'—argh. Shit. Get. Go on. Go on. NO! Who—shit! Dude, get out of my house! Get. No, go that way. No. Oh, god dammit. Ah, shit, now he's cornered. Dude. Dude, out of my house. Come on. Come on. No no no no no no no. Well, vertical video—sorry. Come on. Dude, you bite me, and I'm gonna kick your ass. No, go that way. Goo gooo nooo, can't go, NARGHGH, JESUS CHRIST! ARGH! FUCK! DUDE! You're beating your head against the wall. No. Go that way. Oh, great. Hurgghh. Ah, shit. 

He gets pretty angry, even using a pull-up bar as a weapon at one point, but his voice is tinged with fear throughout. He admits to this in his response to Reddit commenters:

I was being mauled by a very possibly rabid and obviously lethal woodland veature. You gotta give me a little leeway.

Q: Why didn't you just open the windows?

A: I believe panic is the best descriptor.

It's hilarious to watch his futile attempts at marmot chasing, nonetheless. Next time, just open a window, dude.

 

Perez Hilton wants us to take a break from covering the Kardashians. Challenge accepted.

August 11, 2015, 8:37 am

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The gossip blogger Perez Hilton took to Facebook last night to ask his fellow media people to take a Kardashian hiatus.

https://www.facebook.com/PerezHiltonPersonal/posts/491348127687397

Mr. Hilton, we accept.

Next week, from Monday, August 17 to Friday, August 21, this website will not be publishing a single post about Kim Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner, Kylie Jenner, Tyga, Kanye, North, or anyone else affiliated with the Klan (er...not that Klan either). No selfies. No baby name reveals. No think pieces about the Kim Kardashian app. No feuds between people we can't quite identify. 

We make this promise even knowing that Perez Hilton's promise has caused him to make the greatest sacrifice of all—losing a follower:

https://twitter.com/PerezHilton/status/631095886744014848

Luckily, Kim doesn't follow us on Twitter, so we have nothing to lose.

"Do U ever feel like there's just TOO MUCH Kardashian news out there?????" Perez Hilton asked in a post about his decision. Yeah bro, we do, that's why we support #NoKardashiansForAWeek.

He promises "instead of the Kardashian klan, next week we'll be highlighting DAILY inspiring stories about amazing women from all around the world!" We'll try to do that too, if we're not too busy with Miley stuff.

Article 19

August 11, 2015, 8:41 am

≫ Next: This pothead and his arresting officer are both way too happy in this post-DUI selfie.

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This pothead and his arresting officer are both way too happy in this post-DUI selfie.

August 11, 2015, 8:45 am

≫ Next: Article 17

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A 20-year-old Iowa City man made the best of a bad situation by grabbing a selfie for the ages.

Have we reached Peak Selfie? I hope not; it's just getting good.

Gilbert Phelps was driving his 2000 Toyota Camry at 2 AM when he was pulled over by Iowa City Police Officer Ben Hektoen for speeding. Hektoen smelled alcohol in the car, and Phelps failed a number of field sobriety tests. He also admitted to "smoking marijuana prior to driving." He was hauled into the station for further testing, which determined that he had a blood alcohol level of .0, but a blood cannabis level of "Chong."

Like a true Millennial, Phelps decided that the middle of his interview with Hektoen and a "certified Drug Recognition Expert" was the right time for a mobile check-in. As Hektoen noted in his report, “the defendant requested to take a SnapChat selfie with me to which I happily obliged.”

The resulting photo shows the happiest officer/arrestee combination I've ever seen. Phelps beams into the camera, while Hektoen smiles and gives a hearty thumbs up in the background. Looking at this photo, you'd think police relations were stronger than they've ever been in the US. Too bad it's just one picture. Hektoen also reported that Phelps “captioned the photo using emoji icons showing a police car, next to a passenger car, next to a towtruck.” Very creative.

Phelps was then brought in for a more official mugshot, in which he seems to understand his position a little better:

Phelps was slapped with a misdemeanor DUI charge and released on bond. Maybe next time, he'll think better about smoking before getting behind the wheel. Or at least think twice before holding the phone in portrait mode.

Article 17

August 11, 2015, 9:10 am

≫ Next: Ice Cube fact checked Rap Genius' take on the "Straight Outta Compton" lyrics, son.

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Ice Cube fact checked Rap Genius' take on the "Straight Outta Compton" lyrics, son.

August 11, 2015, 9:32 am

≫ Next: Women are live-tweeting their periods at Donald Trump, since he seems confused about them.

≪ Previous: Article 17

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Ice Cube would make a great study buddy in English class.

In order to promote the largely meh-received N.W.A. biopic, Straight Outta Compton, Ice Cube teamed up with Vanity Fair for a video in which he evaluates Rap Genius users' interpretations of the song "Straight Outta Compton."

For the most part, the interpretations are right, but he calls the users on a few mistakes, such as misintepreting his threat to cook his enemies in his gumbo along with the sausage as a threat to cook his enemies in his gumbo instead of the sausage (gumbo often features more than one meat, so that makes sense). I feel like this would be a great thing for other rappers to do in order to help people connect with their work, especially Ghostface Killah; "scooby snack jurassic plastic gas booby trap" still has me scratching my head. 

 

Women are live-tweeting their periods at Donald Trump, since he seems confused about them.

August 11, 2015, 10:42 am

≫ Next: A state senator made a GoFundMe for Alabama's budget issues to prove some point we don't understand.

≪ Previous: Ice Cube fact checked Rap Genius' take on the "Straight Outta Compton" lyrics, son.

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Since Donald Trump may or may not have made comments about news anchor Megyn Kelly's period, women have decided to let him know how periods work.

Republican presidential frontrunner (lololol) Donald Trump insists that he didn't mean to imply that Megyn Kelly was spewing period blood all over the moderator's seat when he said, "You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." He says he was talking about her nose.

https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/629997060830425088

But let's face it, if it occured to The Donald to attack a woman for getting her period, he would do it. Since it's such a high profile stupid thing to say, ladies are taking the opportunity to mock him with their maxis. Using the hashtag #periodsarenotaninsult, they're explaining how periods work and also airing some of their opinions about Donald Trump generally:

https://twitter.com/KarlyKhoury/status/630913279720857600https://twitter.com/typicalfeminist/status/631123780484640768https://twitter.com/FatGirlvsWorld/status/631104183102492674https://twitter.com/rebeccagorena/status/630798858264510465https://twitter.com/corajane6/status/631092756790669312https://twitter.com/BonnieDatt/status/631090198013702145https://twitter.com/TSWLPamela/status/630980638301007874https://twitter.com/riotturtle/status/630866876176953345https://twitter.com/taradublinrocks/status/630829492475293696https://twitter.com/WordsmithJenn/status/630741807379427328

And so on. They're all pretty hilarious, but I think this one sums up the situation best:

https://twitter.com/Wyndgrove/status/630543802785206273

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A state senator made a GoFundMe for Alabama's budget issues to prove some point we don't understand.

August 11, 2015, 12:30 pm

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It's satire (we think). 

Alabama's been having some money issues lately. The governor's request for $302 million in additional tax revenue was denied, while the state senate passed a budget that cut $200 million from state agencies and programs such as Medicaid and mental health services. In reponse to these trying times, state senator Paul Sanford set up a GoFundMe page to "Fund the Alabama State Government." The (fake) fundraising goal is set at $300 million, and the campaign's description includes the following:

The State of Alabama is experiencing tight financial times and needs your help. Legislators are debating possible financial solutions but are finding that Raising Taxes are not wanted by the citizens of Alabama. Rather than have the Government come after your hard earned money you can now send an amount that fits your budget, even request where your money be used.

You can determine what functions of Government are a priority to you.

So this was supposed to satirize how, uh, people don't want to pay taxes? Or how people want other people to be taxed but not themselves? Or how people only want to spend taxes on certain things? I'm finding his intentions a little confusing. In reponse to the commenters, Sanford posted:

I do appreciate the comments but please realize this was to prove a point that most people do not want to pay more taxes but are for taxes when the other guy is to be taxed. Also, even the few donations that have been received reflect our ability to budget State functions (earmarked for education a rate of 8 to 2 (education to other govt services). It is easy to get support for education but not so easy for he remaining rolls of Government.

Thanks for clearing things up, Sanford. Just kidding, I'm still really confused. 

Article 13

August 11, 2015, 12:42 pm

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Article 12

August 11, 2015, 1:00 pm

≫ Next: Hey, bulldog. Meet box. You're going to be hilarious together.

≪ Previous: Article 13

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Hey, bulldog. Meet box. You're going to be hilarious together.

August 11, 2015, 1:05 pm

≫ Next: Kim Kardashian just shared her unborn child’s first nude selfie.

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YouTube user Isabel Santos recorded her dog's hilarious interaction with an empty W.B. Mason paper box.

Hey, bulldog? I'd like to introduce you to my friend box. I really think you two are going to get along. Oh — wow, yeah, you guys seem to like each other. I'm just gonna let you do your thing. 

Kim Kardashian just shared her unborn child’s first nude selfie.

August 11, 2015, 1:07 pm

≫ Next: This story about an old woman telling a slut-shaming dude to shut up is incredible.

≪ Previous: Hey, bulldog. Meet box. You're going to be hilarious together.

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If you think Kim Kardashian is faking her pregnancy, first of all, who are you and why do you feel that way, but also, check this out, haters.

https://instagram.com/p/6P0-KluS5-/?taken-by=kimkardashian

First of all, #NoKardashiansForAWeek is next week. This week, we're all about Kardashians and their friends and family, especially the naked ones. A nude pic of Kim isn't exactly new news, but it's a pregnant nude selfie is a rare thing, and we wouldn't want you, our readers who claim you don't give a shit, to miss it. 

Anyway, apparently people think Kim might be faking her pregnancy and that she's actually using a surrogate. This photo of a naked Kim with belly proves otherwise (or else she has an impressive prosthetic or else it's photoshopped...photos don't actually prove anything, right? But sure). 

If you don't feel like reading her long-winded defense, here's the money quote:

Some days I'm photographed before I eat & look smaller, some days I've just eaten & I look bigger. It's all a part of the process. 

So true! Especially in the early days of pregnancy, a burrito can add a few weeks to your baby's gestational age. Thanks for your refreshing honesty, Kim.

This story about an old woman telling a slut-shaming dude to shut up is incredible.

August 11, 2015, 1:20 pm

≫ Next: Could these two 'Friends' cast members be any less invited to Jennifer Aniston's wedding?

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This story is so delightful, I forgot the written word is dead while I was reading it.

I am having such a wonderful day on the tubes I can't not share this story. Let me build the scene:Central Line between...

Posted by Scott Sparrow on Monday, 10 August 2015

This is the kind of anecdote that can't really be verified, but you want it to be true so badly it doesn't even matter. It is also kind of ageist (I mean, leave that old lady's age alone!), but is told with such complete delight it'll still bring a smile to your face:

I am having such a wonderful day on the tubes I can't not share this story. Let me build the scene:
Central Line between Oxford Circus and Chancery Lane, possibly St Pauls.
To my right is sat a lady, 25-30, wearing a revealing dress. 
To my left is an old lady, almost dead is how old she is. 
Standing in front of us is a man, 50's, suit and tie, eyeing revealing dress. 
Suit leans over to the revealing dress lady and says "Have some self respect when you dress yourself"
Revealing dress lady blushes to the colour of her almost not there dress.
Old soon to be dead lady is having none of this and in a south london accent shouts out "She can wear or not wear whatever the fuck she likes, even if she was naked with a sign pointing to her fanny (she said fanny on the central line by St Pauls) and the sign pointed to her fanny which said ...PARTY CITY ALL INVITED...then that would still be none of your bloody business now fuck off back to your bored wife!"
Red dress then hugs the walking dead and old suit walks off.

That old lady will be my hero for the rest of her life, even if the rest of her life is like only another week. She was so old.

"Fuck off to your bored wife!" should be the mantra of all women getting catcalled or harassed for what they're wearing in public. Let's all take great care of ourselves so we live to be 100 years old and can tell off jerks in the subway as feisty little old ladies.

Could these two 'Friends' cast members be any less invited to Jennifer Aniston's wedding?

August 11, 2015, 1:50 pm

≫ Next: Article 7

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Monica and Phoebe made the guest list. Chandler and Joey did not. No information yet regarding Ross. And I'm still calling the actors from 'Friends' by their characters' names.

According to People, Matt LeBlanc and Matthew Perry weren't invited to Jennifer Aniston's wedding. I guess all that time spent together was for nothing, except for creating a legendary television show and earning millions and millions of dollars. LeBlanc told the magazine:

"I think they're a great couple. I think she's happy. And that's all I care about is that Jen's happy. If she wanted me there, I would have been there."

Aw. Now I feel lightly bad for being so mocking. Perry was similarly sweet:

"It was a surprise to me as well. They're a lovely couple, and I'm happy for them."

Meanwhile, Courtney Cox was the maid of honor. But I mean, they have been friends since high school, and they were roommates for so long.

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Article 7

August 11, 2015, 2:00 pm

≫ Next: This koala looks like it's flying, and the Internet is making that even more amusing.

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This koala looks like it's flying, and the Internet is making that even more amusing.

August 11, 2015, 2:20 pm

≫ Next: Sarah Michelle Gellar's tribute to Robin Williams will make you cry, laugh, and watch 'Good Will Hunting' clips.

≪ Previous: Article 7

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The San Diego Zoo posted a sequence of photos depicting a koala jumping off of a stick. The images were captured at the perfect time, because the koala looks like it's flying, and now it's a meme.

Here's what staffer Elisa Evans posted on the Zoo's Facebook page:

That's one high-koality photo. Well, a series of high-koality photos. (Via Facebook)

And thus a gift was given unto the world, these pictures of a koala looking like it was flying, fighting, and hovering, respectively. The koala doing awesome things has quickly and rightfully become a meme. Some examples:

"Jed'aye, mate!" (ViaBuzzfeed)

"Time to go home, but it's been nice here down under." (ViaBuzzfeed)

Sarah Michelle Gellar's tribute to Robin Williams will make you cry, laugh, and watch 'Good Will Hunting' clips.

August 11, 2015, 2:40 pm

≫ Next: 19-year-old in Fall Out Boy tee "protecting" Ferguson cops is why pop punk will never be punk.

≪ Previous: This koala looks like it's flying, and the Internet is making that even more amusing.

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Today is the one-year anniversary of Robin Williams's death, and Sarah Michelle Gellar posted a tribute to him on Instagram.

https://instagram.com/p/6OqSJysY-V/

The photo shows the bench from Good Will Hunting along with a quote from the movie written in chalk.

https://youtu.be/zoPT4p1Iwg4

Gellar, who played Williams' daughter on The Crazy Ones, captioned the picture with a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better wether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded" #Emerson You succeeded RW #RobinWilliams

The world is remembering RW today. And watching his movies on hidden browser screens on work computers.

19-year-old in Fall Out Boy tee "protecting" Ferguson cops is why pop punk will never be punk.

August 11, 2015, 2:58 pm

≫ Next: "Famous Comedians Dealing With Hecklers" will help you cope with the idiots in your life.

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Lexi Kozhevsky, a 19-year-old nursing student at St. Louis University, became a meme after she got involved with the conflict between protesters and police in Ferguson last night.

Now I know what you're thinking: a 19-year-old college student? Demographically speaking, she must have been doing something to help the protesters. Well, to everyone's confusion, she demonstrated a pro-police stance by standing in front of the line-up of cops in order to "protect" them. Although this is her right, it was hilarious for two reasons: For one, she is under the impression that the armed and armored police are the ones who need protecting. But what really caught everyone's attention has less to do with her politics and more with her wardrobe: She was wearing a Fall Out Boy t-shirt.

Lexi, 19, stands to protect cops, "I would rather get hit by something than let it hit them." #Ferguson Pic-@PDPJpic.twitter.com/gF4lLSqAjx

— Lynden Steele (@manofsteele) August 11, 2015

She was quickly meme-ified by the Internet, both for her t-shirt and her rather backwards understanding of how justice works:

Lexi,19, stands to protect Lord Voldemort's army, "I would rather get hit by something than let it hit them." pic.twitter.com/WQOnsakAH9

— Glen Coco (@MrPooni) August 11, 2015

The internet reacts to Lexi, the Fall Out Boy fan who 'protected' cops in #Fergusonhttp://t.co/EnWd3KmMXEpic.twitter.com/RAA6DGVYk5

— UPROXX (@UPROXX) August 11, 2015

That’s teamwork, Lexi! pic.twitter.com/dNo7o7N0gV

— adam smoot (@adamsmoot) August 11, 2015

According to an interview with the St. Louis Post Dispatch, she had a cousin die in 9/11, and has always had a "strong upbringing of wanting to help people." She wants people to realize that "not all cops are bad." She acknowledges that racism exists, but thinks that the media is unfairly focusing on Ferguson. In regards to her standing in front of the cops, she said the following:

"I'm just gonna stand in front of them, and if anything comes their way I would rather get hit by something than let it hit them, since they've already been through a lot." 

I just graduated college like five minutes ago, but god, college students can get so passionate about misdirected ideas. Watch her video below. And then sigh.

"Famous Comedians Dealing With Hecklers" will help you cope with the idiots in your life.

August 11, 2015, 3:00 pm

≫ Next: My hero for today is this fisherman who hooked a guy's dumb drone.

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Even though this montage is awesome, please don't think that comedians want you to heckle them just so they can appear in Internet montages. They'd rather just do their sets.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IlahusAR5hU

Heckling sucks. No comedian goes on stage thinking "I hope that instead of delivering the routine I've meticulously prepared, someone will interrupt me and I'll have to rescue the evening from complete disaster." But it's also just as certain that people in general love clips of comedians destroying hecklers. I think it's because for most of us, when we're faced with some complete idiot who is keeping us from doing our jobs or living our lives, we have to remain relatively polite. Comedians, on the other hand, get to respond exactly how they want (despite the fact that inside, they may well want to walk off the stage and hide, because they're all desperate, shy people). And we all love imagining we're the person who gets to destroy the random assholes who interrupt our flow.

If you've ever wanted to feel like that, enjoy this compilation from Digg of comedians from Richard Pryor and Rodney Dangerfield all the way up to Hannibal Burress responding to idiots with reactions ranging from polite misdirection to direct, profanity-ridden assaults.