For Christmas this year I will be making a donation in your name into my bank account.

December 12, 2013, 12:24 pm

≫ Next: At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

≪ Previous: Expect an email in all caps this afternoon.

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At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

December 12, 2013, 5:02 pm

≫ Next: Happy Friday the 13th to my favorite non-murderous Jason.

≪ Previous: For Christmas this year I will be making a donation in your name into my bank account.

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Happy Friday the 13th to my favorite non-murderous Jason.

December 13, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: May your Friday the 13th be filled with naive, horny, pot-smoking teenagers and not a machete-wielding mass murderer.

≪ Previous: At some point after sex, we really need to determine whose fault this was.

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May your Friday the 13th be filled with naive, horny, pot-smoking teenagers and not a machete-wielding mass murderer.

December 13, 2013, 5:30 am

≫ Next: I hope your irrational fear of Friday the 13th helps alleviate your rational fear of getting older.

≪ Previous: Happy Friday the 13th to my favorite non-murderous Jason.

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I hope your irrational fear of Friday the 13th helps alleviate your rational fear of getting older.

December 13, 2013, 7:01 am

≫ Next: I consider any Friday I'm at my office an unlucky Friday.

≪ Previous: May your Friday the 13th be filled with naive, horny, pot-smoking teenagers and not a machete-wielding mass murderer.

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I consider any Friday I'm at my office an unlucky Friday.

December 13, 2013, 7:59 am

≫ Next: Let's get our holiday benders on the same schedule this weekend.

≪ Previous: I hope your irrational fear of Friday the 13th helps alleviate your rational fear of getting older.

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Let's get our holiday benders on the same schedule this weekend.

December 13, 2013, 8:14 am

≫ Next: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas so the roads will be too dangerous to drive to your party.

≪ Previous: I consider any Friday I'm at my office an unlucky Friday.

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I’m dreaming of a white Christmas so the roads will be too dangerous to drive to your party.

December 13, 2013, 9:42 am

≫ Next: I'm superstitious about not getting drunk on a Friday.

≪ Previous: Let's get our holiday benders on the same schedule this weekend.

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I'm superstitious about not getting drunk on a Friday.

December 13, 2013, 10:50 am

≫ Next: You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

≪ Previous: I’m dreaming of a white Christmas so the roads will be too dangerous to drive to your party.

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You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

December 13, 2013, 12:35 pm

≫ Next: I want you all to know that because of your hard work all year I got a bigger bonus.

≪ Previous: I'm superstitious about not getting drunk on a Friday.

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I want you all to know that because of your hard work all year I got a bigger bonus.

December 14, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: I'd be fatter without you.

≪ Previous: You look like you lost weight over the holidays when you stand next to Santa.

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I'd be fatter without you.

December 15, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

≪ Previous: I want you all to know that because of your hard work all year I got a bigger bonus.

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May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

December 16, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee into a gallon of piss.

≪ Previous: I'd be fatter without you.

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The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee into a gallon of piss.

December 16, 2013, 8:05 am

≫ Next: May you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary this holiday season.

≪ Previous: May your medications trick you into believing you're actually having a Merry Christmas.

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May you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary this holiday season.

December 16, 2013, 10:03 am

≫ Next: Sorry you couldn't have an orgasm because the Elf on the Shelf was watching.

≪ Previous: The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee into a gallon of piss.

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Sorry you couldn't have an orgasm because the Elf on the Shelf was watching.

December 16, 2013, 11:45 am

≫ Next: The holidays are my favorite time to be embarrassed by my family in person rather than on Facebook.

≪ Previous: May you have more sex and fewer unexpected pregnancies than the Virgin Mary this holiday season.

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The holidays are my favorite time to be embarrassed by my family in person rather than on Facebook.

December 16, 2013, 12:01 pm

≫ Next: I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my sex life with you.

≪ Previous: Sorry you couldn't have an orgasm because the Elf on the Shelf was watching.

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I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my sex life with you.

December 16, 2013, 5:05 pm

≫ Next: You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.

≪ Previous: The holidays are my favorite time to be embarrassed by my family in person rather than on Facebook.

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You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.

December 17, 2013, 5:01 am

≫ Next: May the making of snow angels not be the only time you spread your legs this winter.

≪ Previous: I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my sex life with you.

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May the making of snow angels not be the only time you spread your legs this winter.

December 17, 2013, 8:53 am

≫ Next: You better hope to god that Santa doesn't see your browser history.

≪ Previous: You're the reason I wake up every morning and start drinking.

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