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A lot to live for.

Someone shared a picture of a very excited little girl, and the Internet did amazing things with it.

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Tonight, we dine at the grownups' table. (via)

In general, it's not a good idea to let total strangers take control of your baby (or her image) and dress her however they want, and that goes double for strangers on the Internet. When you have a baby, everyone online is a digital version of David Bowie from Labyrinth (except your Facebook friends; if they don't want to look at baby pics, they're dead to you). Every rule has its exception, though, and the exception to the don't-hand-your-baby-to-the-weirdos rule is on reddit's r/PhotoshopBattles, a forum where you hand pictures over to some of the web's best image manipulators and they turn them into such memorable memes as Business BabyA Teacher Holding A Poorly-Thought-Out SignMichelle Obama Holding A SignFat Bulldog PuppiesBarack Obama Playing Ping PongVery Grumpy Baby, and Scarlett Johansson Falling Down.


"ME?! I'M GOING TO BE ON THE INTERNET? LITTLE OLD ME?!" (via)

That's what one person did this weekend with their picture of a super-stoked little girl, and we are now all better off as an Internet, thanks to their efforts. I don't know what made this little girl so excited, and the picture comes with almost no backstory. Maybe that's better, though, because there's nothing to get in the way of enjoying each of her new incarnations as Darth Vader, King Leonidas of Sparta, Scream by Munch, or an assortment of weird Internet nightmares.


"Then I said, "Social Security for my generation? Do I look like I was born yesterday?" (via)

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Although the left version is more accurate, the right is not without its charm.
(left via; right via)

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Her horsey dance involves an actual rocking horse. (via)

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"Welcome to the Internet. *gulp* I will be your guide." (via)

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There were several Godzillas, though maybe Cloverfield would be more appropriate,
since that monster 
was actually a baby the whole time. (via)

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She looks like she wishes she didn't have to teach humanity this lesson.(via

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There were also several versions of baby-as-King-Leonidas, because This. Is. THE INTERNET! (via)

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This photoshop thread really took off. (via)

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At least the baby has an excuse for looking that scared. (via)

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This picture is enough to warrant a whole Discovery channel series. (via)

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Pretty sure that kid would scare me worse than Mike or Scully if I woke up to that face. (via)

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Yes. They spelled Nemo wrong on an image about a guy (Gordon Ramsay) who is anal about detail. (via)

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Man, R. Lee Ermey has not aged well since this movie. (via)

Not even Sparta got as much representation as Star Wars, however.


Jeez, Vader. It's not her fault she can't pronounce "Diplomatic Mission To Alderaan." (via)

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"You have told me to go to time out for the last time." (via)

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It's a nap! (via)

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Let's just say it: this kid looks great in beards. (via)

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From the musical adaptation "Siths In Love." (via)

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And we're done. (via)

(by Johnny McNulty)

Clock

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - November 3, 2014

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1. Church Leaders Take Brave Stance Against Eminently Fair Tax Law

Many U.S. pastors are endorsing politicians from the pulpit in angry protest of a 60-year-old law that allows them to save millions of dollars every year by not paying taxes, with the provision that they remain politically neutral. The church leaders are banking on the Internal Revenue Service choosing not to revoke their tax-exempt status, probably because that is almost certainly what's going to happen.


2. Taylor Swift Pulls Songs From Spotify To Keep Deadbeat Fans From Listening To Her Music

The song catalogue of pop superstar Taylor Swift—whose record-breaking new album 1989 was released last week—is being pulling from Spotify due to the likelihood that the record company Big Machine can squeeze a few more dollars worth of sales from fans if they eliminate the music streaming service as an avenue of consumption.


3. World Trade Center Reopens After Brief 13-Year Closure 

For the first time since the terrorists attacks of September 11, 2001, the World Trade Center is finally open for business. Today marked the first day that the 104-story One World Trade Center is in use by the many businesses it houses, meaning that New York City and America officially have their enormous phallic symbol back.


4. Sorry, Aunt Rita, But There Will Be No Penis In 'Fifty Shades Of Grey'

Devotees of the blockbuster literary erotica hit Fifty Shades of Grey— as well as fans of male frontal nudity the world over—received some terrible news today. The star of the upcoming film adaptation revealed that his penis will sadly not be appearing onscreen. So, looks like you'll just have to go see Gone Girl again.


5. Chris Rock Incites Outrage By Telling Jokes

Comedian Chris Rock scandalized many viewers of Saturday Night Live this past weekend when he utilized humor while commenting on the 9/11 and Boston Marathon terrorist attacks during his opening monologue as guest host of the comedy show. 


(by Dennis DiClaudio)

Midterm election

A rapper takes the plunge during a windy photo shoot by the water.

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"Don't go chasing water fails..."

The identity of this Clearwater, Florida artist isn't known, which makes sense. If he is a rapper—which many Internet posts are suggesting—I could see why he'd prefer to remain anonymous. Losing a battle with a stiff breeze and falling over a ledge while trying to retrieve a 12-dollar hat doesn't exactly scream "street cred." Or coordination. Normally, you'd suspect that this was a staged fall to generate publicity. However, the fact that the YouTube description doesn't reveal his identity, only that he cut his hands and knees on an oyster bed, probably means the artist we'll call Breezy E would prefer to lay low for a while. At least until his wounds heal and the wind dies down. 

(by Jonathan Corbett)

A 6ft tall dude in Japan dressed as a mannequin for Halloween, scared the hell out of passersby.

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Warning: Do not try to make a bunch of hot girls laugh at a cop in the U.S.

When you're a 6ft tall dude in a noticeably shorter Japan, and you have the body of a mannequin, it is practically your duty to dress up as a mannequin for Halloween, stand in front of a retail store, and scare the hell out of trick-or-treaters.

Shapiro127 took that responsibility to heart in Osaka this year, and then composed a video of all the people he scared on the streets.

(by Myka Fox)


Headphones

Full of love.

Bill Clinton photobombed a little girl who hates politics.

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Look out, little girl! It's right behind you!

I really empathize with the little girl in this picture. It's bad enough that she got dragged by somebody to some stupid political rally in Texarkana, Arkansas on a Sunday afternoon. But now she's got this creepy old man lurking around behind her, skulking into her photos. No wonder she's so bummed out.


Truly, the stuff of nightmares. (via)

This photo is actually kind of a metaphor for the '90s. If you think about it, didn't Clinton kind of photobomb the whole country for eight years?

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

A mom watched "Inception" and then tried her best to summarize it.

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That was the best part.

Filmmaker Joe Nicolosi's mom did not like Inception. It was "so tedious," especially the part where Matt Damon tried to make new dreams, like the one with the van falling into the river. Jennifer Lawrence—was it Jennifer Lawrence?—would have been interesting if she'd fallen in love with him, but she didn't. Whatever. 

In other words, she understood exactly as much of the film as your mom did. Not my mom, though. My mom has always had this habit of walking past a room where a movie is playing that she isn't even watching, and saying something like "Oh, she's going to marry the ballet dancer," and then walking out. And she is always right!

Joe Nicolosi's mom watched The Matrix once, too.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

Swiftly disappearing.

Kiss your free time goodbye: you can now play 900 pre-1996 arcade games online for free.

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Ok, now just tell me how to fit a quarter into my USB slot.

The golden age of arcade games has returned—to your web browser. The Internet Archive exists to create a digital copy of, well, everything digital produced by culture. It's most famous for the Wayback Machine, which preserves old versions of websites for posterity—so, for example, if you want to see what Yahoo.com looked like in 1996, you can do that. Last year, it added "stealing everyone's spare time" to its goals, and debuted a powerful weapon in that arsenal: The Console Living Room, simulating hundreds of classic console games ranging from Atari to Sega Genesis and a dozen-plus other consoles in between. Now it has a new tool for monopolizing the nostalgia of anyone old enough to have actually played arcade games and younger nerds who want a little hipster cred: The Internet Arcade.


I died because I was taking a screenshot for you. I hope you appreciate it.

There are currently 901 games available (although a mere 350 or so are "recommended"), spanning the 1970s to the 1990s. People today complain about video games charging you once for the main product and then again for downloadable content, but these are the games that people paid to play every single time, and now they're free. 


Having a Q*Bert high score makes going pro in LoL look like child's play.

Every punk kid says they've played on the tournament level for League of Legends these days, but none of them ever had their three initials saved in glorious neon for everyone in town to marvel over (until a challenger could rise up and beat them). 


Street Fighter 2 was actually a video game before it was a movie!

These games don't have the graphics or sound design that modern titles do, but that also means that the games are built entirely out of their mechanics. Everything you play today has an ancestor in here somewhere, and there's a good chance the original version did it simpler and better.


I hope you realize that I could have been playing games instead of writing this.

Whether you loved these games back in the day or you just love video games enough to go back to your roots, can you really afford not to waste all your time playing free games without having 13-year-olds (or mental 13-year-olds) scream at you?


Maybe women's costumes haven't come too far, but at least she doesn't need rescuing.

I mean, unless you have a job and stuff.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Texas


This Sneezing Chicken has gone viral, which sounds terrible but is pretty great.

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Hope he's not allergic to feathers.

We've all had to deal with dramatic sneezers. Usually, it's kids looking for attention, or a coworker laying the groundwork for an upcoming sick day. That's what's probably going on with this chicken, who drops a such a comically loud sneeze that it seems fake. As if he found himself inside the family kitchen and thought that a comically loud sneeze might get him out of whatever the cook had planned for him. It's the chicken equivalent of "Is anyone else hot? I don't feel well. Sorry about not shaking your hand, but I think I may be coming down with something. Trust me, you do not want any part of me in your soup. I'm just going to head back to the coop for some rest."

NIce try, chicken, but you're not fooling anyone.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

The last costume of 2014 anyone needs to see.

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I want to see the end-of-the-night photo where his costume has smudged everywhere.

Specifically, anyone working at the CVS corporation (or any other chain pharmacy). This needs to stop, guys. Literally anyone in the country could say "that movie/tv show/whatever was longer than a CVS receipt" and everyone would know what they meant and they would laugh, because CVS receipts are long. So, take a hint from redditor Lord_Nugget, who posted this picture with the title "Dear CVS, thank you for giving me a 3 foot long receipt when I bought some TicTacs. It was the inspiration for my Halloween costume."

You stopped selling cigarettes, which is cool, but that has to eat into your margins. Maybe saving a few million bucks on receipt paper can help.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Green Party

OMG WTF UGH: 4-acre spiderweb blankets warehouse with millions of spiders in urban nightmare.

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I see your problem here: this building is not currently on fire. 
(via Entomological Society of America)

Halloween's over, which can mean only one terrible thing: these photos are not from a haunted house. They are real. These photos are from a paper published by the Entomological Society of America in 2010, documenting scientists' visit to the Black River Wastewater Treatment Plant in Baltimore after their managers put out a desperate plea for help from experts in 2009 to deal with an "extreme spider situation."


"Just peel back the web like a piece of sheet metal. That's how webs work, right?"
(via Entomological Society of America)

What you are looking at is an example of spiders from multiple species of the orb-weaver family cooperating to build a mega-nest that covered the whole 4-acre facility—populated by an estimated (not just estimated, but conservatively estimated) 107,000,000 spiders, reaching densities of 35,176 spiders in each square meter in the most crowded spots. Stick your arm out and wave it around in a circle. Congratulations, you just touched 35,176 spiders. Are you feeling itchy? I'm feeling itchy.


I am so glad I gave up on science long before getting a degree to do this. 
(via Entomological Society of America)

This was so crazy that even people who studied their whole lives to become insect and spider experts got the heebie-jeebies, as you can see from the excerpt from their report above. I repeat, "the silk lay piled on the floor in rope-like clumps as thick as a fire hose." 


And here's your other option: the Midgepocalypse. 
(via Entomological Society of America)

These cooperative webs happen sometimes when rainfall and humidity shoot through the roof—because that means that a mega-wave of midges, gnats, mosquitos and flies are about to follow right behind the water, and these guys want to be there to catch that buffet.


Maybe the spiders just needed the light to be a little closer so they could work at night.
(via Entomological Society of America)

Did I mention that this is a wastewater treatment plant? So, there's a lot of standing water around to breed flies. Just try not to think about the fact that Baltimore's drinking water comes from a facility run by at least 107 million spiders.


I'm pretty sure a large child could climb and sit on that.
(via Entomological Society of America)

People like to quote "nuke it from orbit" from Aliens when discussing spider infestations—it's probably the most common phrase used online after "nope, nope, nope" when discussing arachnids—but never has it been more appropriate. This warehouse actually looks like the walls of the human colony from that movie after the xenomorphs have moved in and attached their prey to the walls with sticky goo while waiting for the chestbursters to incubate. At the very minimum, this spider problem is going to require one female marine with a flamethrower and anger issues, and one freaked-out Bill Paxton yelling "game over, man, game over!" as he's dragged into a corner by a mass of millions of tiny predators. Not to mention Ripley.


Diet tip: read this article before every meal.
(via Entomological Society of America)

But, of course, Weyland-Yutani will probably want you to bring back a sample, and they'll send an android to make sure they get it.

(by Johnny McNulty)

This angry Icelandic guy does not want to hear any of your Daylight Saving complaints.

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Rage against the dying of the sunlight.

I don't know who invented Daylight Saving Time, but it seems like a pretty bad idea to me. Why did we ever decide that gaining an hour of sleep in the morning was an acceptable trade-off for going months without seeing the sun during non-working hours? I wish somebody had consulted me about it, because I'd have said no thanks.

Though, as Oskaar the very, very perturbed Icelander points out in this fantastic rant against the darkness that consumes his daily life in Reykjavik, things could be worse:

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

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