He's a fan of Van Gogh's later work.

Chris Lyons, his wife Desiree, and their 17-year-old daughter were enjoying a family outing at an Oklahoma bowling alley when they got into a tiff with the people using the neighboring lane and Chris got his ear bitten off. 

The Lyons were sharing a table with a group of seven girls when Desiree accidentally spilled one of the girls' drinks. There's usually a little unspoken competition with the next-lane-neighbors; sizing up who are the better bowlers, picking the most creative bowling names, sly glances to find out who is using the heaviest balls, etc. But spilled drinks are the things you're supposed to fake pretend aren't a big deal. 

Not for these girls. According to the the affidavit, the girls used the drink spill to start an argument, even while Desiree politely tried to clean up the mess. Her daughter requested a lane change. 

Very sane choice. 

The seven girls, however, would not be mollified. They paid their tab and left, but only after promising to return with their boyfriends. 

They did return, and not just with their boyfriends, but also one of their dads: formerly convicted felon Thomas Foster, who served time for shooting with intent to kill and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. 

The gang began to beat up on the wife and then the daughter. When Desiree and Chris tried to rescue her, Foster straight up bit Chris's ear off like in a Mike Tyson prize fight. 

Beyond being criminally insane, it is just bad parenting. You don't want to teach your daughter to bite someone's head off over a spilled drink. Not even part of a head.

Police were unable to track down Mr. Bitey until last Friday, when they pulled him over for a traffic violation. Foster is due to have a hearing November 21st. 

The Smoking Gunreports that Lyon's ear was unable to be reattached, and he is seeking plastic surgery and skin grafting to repair the injury. Hopefully he will have his hearing any day now.

(by Myka Fox)

She'll wear white. He'll wear a swastika face tattoo. (via MansonDirect.com)

Love conquers all, apparently. 

The State of California has issued a marriage license to former cult leader and convicted mass murderer Charles Manson, 80, and his bride-to-be, 26-year-old Afton Elaine Burton. Under state law, Burton, who goes by Star—quirky alert!—now has 90 days to marry the convicted killer. 

"Cradle robber" is probably the nicest thing you could call Charles Manson. In 1969, Manson lead a cult called the Manson Family in the murders of seven people, including pregnant actress Sharon Tate, in hopes of starting a race war. He is serving a life sentence without parole, so he should be prepared for married life (hey-o!). 

Burton has been in correspondence with Manson since she was 17 (and he was 71), and has always maintained that he is innocent. "I love him. I'm with him. There's all kinds of things," she told the Associated Press. She didn't elaborate on what those "things" are, which is perhaps for the best.

Now people may object to this marriage because theirs is a May-December romance, and also he's a mass murderer with a proven ability to brainwash the young and impressionable, but don't worry: they won't be allowed conjugal visits. Wipe that visual out of your distressed brain! 

Good, now there's plenty of space for every other horrifying image brought up by the words "Charles Manson." 

The happy (?) couple will be allowed to have someone come officiate the ceremony and up to 10 wedding guests. Good luck to whoever gets chosen as best man on coming up with cute anecdotes for his toast. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

No wonder Bey wanted this picture taken down. (via redditor mickeybuilds)

Sometimes it takes a while to realize you've got something priceless on your hands. Blade Runner sucked when it was released in theaters, then Ridley Scott released the director's cut on VHS and it became a sci-fi classic. Cleveland Browns defensive end Desmond Bryant's face is like Blade Runner. When he was arrested in February of 2013 for showing up drunk and rowdy to a neighbor's house during breakfast, he took an absolutely plastered mugshot that was literally worse than the theatrical release of Blade Runner. It, by itself, was enough to go viral.

"If I just pull my head inside my neck, the police won't know it's me!"

Now, more than a year and a half later, the Internet has released its director's cut of this atrocity, via reddit's r/PhotoshopBattles forum. Unlike Ridley Scott, this probably won't make you feel like Bryant was, in retrospect, a genius. But some of these random photoshoppers are.

Timely! (via redditor What_No_Cookie)

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Apparently, the stuff that grows on the sides of aquariums will mess you up.
(via redditor Flitch1)

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"The illustrious Jabba bids you...'sup?" (via redditor graustanding)

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It's possible all that booze would actually act as antifreeze for Bryant.
(via redditor mickeybuilds)

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Someone decided to get political by shopping him onto a photo of Mitch McConnell.
(via redditor Suckassloser)

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Alcohol is a hell of a drug. As are nightmares. (via redditor Bufo-Fufo)

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This movie came out 10 years ago. You just made Desmond Bryant's face while thinking about how old you are, didn't you? (via redditor mickeybuilds)

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This one is for people who are too young for Napoleon Dynamite to make them feel old.
(via redditor Brazuuuka)

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This is why astronauts don't take pictures right after using the centrifuge machine.
(via redditor Nibblesthechimp)

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You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that face. (via redditor nymbot)

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The look on North West's face when she realizes she's the most powerful baby in the world after Prince George and Blue Ivy. (via redditor iamnickbrooks)

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If you didn't know about Megan Fox's toe-thumbs, I'm sorry you had to find out like this.
(via redditor theofavi)

Let this be an inspiration to anyone who feels like they've put out something great that went unnoticed. Like the works of Van Gogh, Desmond Bryant's face was destined to be
rediscovered and re-evaluated. So, it's not too late for your webseries, or whatever.

(by Johnny McNulty)

She'll be jumping up and down on you at 3 a.m. when you're trying to sleep.

We've all seen the videos of dogs welcoming home their owners who are returning from service. The dogs are jubilant, jumping up and down and tackling their beloved best friends. They haven't forgotten; they've been waiting patiently on the home front! It's enough to make anyone misty-eyed.

But what about our servicemen and women who have made the dubious choice to be cat owners? 

This video from comedian (and civilian someecards contributor) Kate Sidley reveals the significantly less cuddly welcome those veterans receive. It will also make you cry, but for an entirely different reason. 

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him splash.

Anna Paterek and her horse Magic were on a ride through the woods when Magic decided the river was too scary for him to get through. 

To show Magic just what he was missing out on, Anna splashed the water with her foot. Magic followed suit and then decided that splashing the water all over Anna was the most fun game ever. 

Anna shared the moment on Facebook, and suddenly found that her sweet video had gone viral, amassing over 300,000 shares.

One commenter, impressed with Anna's training technique, asked if she thought Magic would hesitate around water the next time. 

"I'm sure he'll go in again, hopefully he'll go in when I'm riding him now that he knows not to be afraid!" Anna replied. "He's always loved water but I don't think he realized what it was until I splashed in it first."

(by Myka Fox)

Malibu, California, born and raised. (via Getty)

Sit back, get into a comfortable position, and release any tension you may be feeling. Take a deep breath, and let out as much negative energy as you can, because reading about this crazy interview Jaden and Willow Smith gave to New York Time's T Magazine may make you scream. Not necessarily in anger, because it's pretty funny. But you may be tempted to yell "are you F'n kidding me?" loud enough to startle everyone around you.

Jaden Smith is 16 and Willow is 14, ages at which kids are expected to say dumb stuff. Having strong, ill-informed opinions is part of the job. As it was put so eloquently in the first line of the T Magazine story, "One of the gifts of being young is that particular blend of self-confidence and self-consciousness." Factor in wealth, childhood fame, and streaming new age documentaries on Netflix, and you've got a recipe for a pretty entertaining interview.

Here's the exchange that followed a question about their "experience of time" and how it relates to their music:

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

WILLOW: Because living.

JADEN: Right, because you have to live. There’s a theoretical physicist inside all of our minds, and you can talk and talk, but it’s living.

WILLOW: It’s the action of it.

Speaking of time, have plenty of it to spare if you ever get into a conversation with them about breathing. Because, you know, living.

WILLOW: Breathing is meditation; life is a meditation. You have to breathe in order to live, so breathing is how you get in touch with the sacred space of your heart.

JADEN: When babies are born, their soft spots bump: It has, like, a heartbeat in it. That’s because energy is coming through their body, up and down.

WILLOW: Prana energy.

JADEN: It’s prana energy because they still breathe through their stomach. They remember. Babies remember.

WILLOW: When they’re in the stomach, they’re so aware, putting all their bones together, putting all their ligaments together. But they’re shocked by this harsh world.

JADEN: By the chemicals and things, and then slowly…

WILLOW: As they grow up, they start losing.

JADEN: You know, they become just like us.

If you're wondering about the source of this overflowing stream of BS, part of it comes from their reading material. Willow has been busy studying "Quantum physics. Osho," but Jaden prefers headier, timeless stuff like “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated."

With so much knowledge crammed into their tiny heads, it's only natural to be asked about freeing up space for even more important stuff. Specifically, whether the hardest part of education is "the unlearning of things."

WILLOW: Yes, basically, but the crazy thing is it doesn’t have to be like that.

JADEN: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

WILLOW: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

WILLOW: They never want to do anything, they’re so tired.

JADEN: You never learn anything in school. Think about how many car accidents happen every day. Driver’s ed? What’s up? I still haven’t been to driver’s ed because if everybody I know has been in an accident, I can’t see how driver’s ed is really helping them out.

WILLOW: I went to school for one year. It was the best experience but the worst experience. The best experience because I was, like, “Oh, now I know why kids are so depressed.” But it was the worst experience because I was depressed.

Maybe it's best they don't go to a "normal school." Could you imagine having to sit next to these two blowhards on the bus?

If your mind isn't sufficiently blown, man, you can read the entire interview here.

(by Jonathan Corbett)

Could you put these faces in time out?

One of the hardest parts of parenting is teaching your kids how to behave without laughing hysterically at whatever weird shit they did. Once they know you secretly think the whole thing is funny (or you're laughing because otherwise you'll cry at how much damage they did to your couch), you're done for. 

This poor dad had the monumental task of looking at two very serious little purple and green faces and deciding how he would punish them for being so adorable. You can hear him struggling to Make This A Teachable Moment by suggesting a time out and no juice treat before bed. But it's pretty obvious from the way his voice is cracking that he just wants to get covered up to his nostrils in paint right along with them.

Maybe instead of teaching our kids to behave, we should teach them how to keep a straight face. Perhaps then our grandchildren will stop getting paint everywhere.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

1. It's Tuesday, So The GOP Is Trying To Sue President Obama

House Republicans have hired attorney Jonathan Turley to represent them in yet another attempt to sue Barack Obama for overstepping his constitutional authority as President, not to mention for being President. It is generally assumed that they will eventually give up trying to sue President Obama and begin trying to sue President Clinton.

GOP House votes to sue Obama in morning, realizes they still have whole work day to fill, votes to repeal Obamacare & does a Benghazi wave.

— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) July 31, 2014

2. Holy God, It's Cold Out There!

In case you have not noticed, it is remarkably cold outside, especially considering the fact that the winter hasn't even actually begun yet. Freezing temperatures are expected in every single one of the fifty states—even Hawaii, which will experience sub-zero chills in the higher altitudes of its mountains. Meteorologists are predicting that this unseasonable arctic surge should subside just in time for more seasonable arctic surges to begin.

Once it gets this cold I look at online pictures of California like most people look at porn.

— Jamie Kilstein (@jamiekilstein) November 18, 2014

3. As If Africans Don't Have Enough On Their Plate With Ebola, Now They Have To Contend With Another Version Of 'Do They Know Its Christmas'

Sales for the fourth and newest version of Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas'—featuring such celebrity musicians as Bono, Chris Martin, Seal and One Direction—have been very high, with treacle pop fans going nuts for the charity song's vaguely patronizing lyrics and middling production quality. All proceeds from the single go toward fighting the current Ebola epidemic in Africa. 

Band Aid's 'Do They Know It's Christmas,' only with Vincent Price's 'Thriller' rap.

— Steven Shehori (@stevenshehori) January 12, 2014

4. Bob Marley Will Be, Or Will Continue To Be, The International Face Of Marijuana

The family of Bob Marley are working with a Seattle-based equity firm to create Marley Natural, "a premium cannabis brand rooted in the life and legacy" of the reggae legend, featuring his likeness on the product. As we all know, if there's one thing Bob Marley loved more than smoking the ganja, it was the corporatization of authenticity.

Bob Marley dies at the end of Marley and Me.

— Susan Burke (@ThatSusanBurke) October 10, 2014

5. Mississippi Might Just Do Away With Any Pretense And Declare Itself A Theocracy

A group called the Magnolia State Heritage Campaign is currently trying to make Christianity the official state religion of Mississippi. A spokesperson for the group explained: "We have taken a little bit of time to prepare an initiative that covers promoting Christianity, which is recognized as the principal religion of Mississippi from the founding of the state in 1817 to the present, and affirmed in the state constitution prayer acknowledging the Holy Bible.” If the measure receives enough signatures—which, let's face it, it will—state citizens may get to vote on adding it to the state constitution in an upcoming election. 

Mississippi is a Latin word meaning "takes shirt off during argument"

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) August 6, 2014

(by Dennis DiClaudio)

— Bill (@bflip33) July 19, 2014

Thanks to this nifty photoshop job from @bflip33, we now know that Guy Fieri without his frosted tips and goatee would look like an over-the-hill '80s magician. It does not help that he is already wearing what appears to be a purple velour suit. 

That said, the Guy Fieri hate has got to stop. Poor guy! 

He's so affable! He just wants us all to appreciate the mouthfeel of a gigantic juicy hot dog covered in crispy onions. He wants us to know where we can get it too! He wants us to have tasty-but-affordable salsas! Is that so wrong?

(by Shira Rachel Danan)

It's about respect, you guys. Also, fun fact: this image is 420kb. Whoahhh.

When people think of younger Marleys trading on the family name, they tend to think of Ziggy, who actually, y'know, performs music and tries to apply his talents and stuff. What they should be thinking of is the business empire of Bob's daughter Cedella Marley, 47, who has already successfully licensed her father's image for everything from the obvious clothing and accessories, to successful brands of coffee and cannabis-themed (but not actually cannabis-containing) "relaxation tea."  

Now, with Marley Natural(TM), the reggae legend's face and name will be used to sell real relaxation tea in the form of "Heirloom cannabis strains, including some of Bob’s Jamaican favorites." There will also be the usual cannabis-infused moisturizers and whatnot, but those are weed-themed products that have been around forever, because they don't get you high. As this glossy corporate ad shows you, however, this weed brand is something new:

What's new about this is that we're witnessing the first high-profile launch of a commercial brand of cannabis. As Cedella told NBC, "It just seems natural that Daddy should be part of this conversation. As Daddy would say, 'make way for the positive day.'"  We're not really arguing. It does make sense; the late singer's wife Rita confirmed he went through about a pound of the good stuff a week. 

Bob's favorites are probably pretty dried-out at this point... (via Marley Natural)

Pot has sold out, which to be fair, is what Bob would have wanted. Keep in mind that there are also lots of Marley-themed rolling papers on the market, which is probably why the weed itself will be sold "loose packed," in addition to oils and concentrates (in states where it's legal to do so, of course). They want you to buy the papers separately.

Marley Natural is, in turn, owned by The Man, in the form of Brendan Kennedy, CEO of Privateer Holdings, which oversees the Jamaican licensing machine from Manhattan's Lower East Side. "This is what the end of prohibition looks like," Kennedy told USA Today, "Bob Marley started to push for legalization more than 50 years ago. We're going to help him finish it." With piles and piles of the best green of all: cash.

This media blitz is no coincidence. Marley Naturals is apparently using "the same [marketing] agency that branded New Balance and Starbucks Coffee." It is a brave new day, people.

(by Johnny McNulty)

I hope she didn't get those hearts from a drug store March of Dimes program.
(Via Imgur)

When I hear the term "OD," I usually think of "overdose," but now I am equally likely to think of the boy band "One Direction." Especially now that it appears a girl named Allie has totally OD'd on OD. 

Acutely aware that her dreams of marrying Harry Styles will never come true (and now that she has done this, I doubt she will be allowed within 50 ft of him), Allie decided to do the last best thing: fake a marriage with his cardboard cutout. 

I mean, not that she would do this without his consent.  She also faked his proposal, too.

If you say "no," I'm burning this doily. (Via Imgur)

She enlisted his bandmates as groomsmen. None of them look terrified because their pictures have been taken during less terrifying times. 

Look ma, no hands. (Via Imgur)

Apparently, despite her marriage to a man who used to be part of a refrigerator box, Allie also knows real-life humans. So, she enlisted those friends (enablers?) to dress up and be bridesmaids, and everyone else came as invited guests. Up in front, we can see the guy we can only assume Allie used to date before he lost out to a cardboard, handless Harry. 

Sorry, bro. Next time, pick a girl with lower standards. (Via Imgur)

Dear Christmas on a cracker, what has this girl done? 

One Direction is the loneliest number that you'll ever know.

Redditor astairreed, who found and posted these photos, says this isn't the only weird thing he's seen One Direction fans do. In the comments, he tells of another fan who obsessively tweeted at Harry.

"Some of One Direction's fans are insane. I once saw a tweet from a girl saying basically "Please notice me harry I love you and will not stop tweeting till you reply". Next to that in brackets the girl had put (x45,121).

She had tweeted it to him 45 Thousand times. If you went on her profile it was just that sort of message with the number next to it constantly going up. People literally seem to dedicate their lives to them!"

Wow, yeah. THAT girl is crazy. 

(by Myka Fox)