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Family curse continues as Caroline Kennedy gets jury duty.

Please let the warm spring weather dictate how much clothing you'll be wearing to my birthday party.

While you were away at college we turned your room into a place we don't want you moving back into.

I wish summer and the length of your shorts were longer.

If the new DUI law kicks in, I'll have to take a taxi home from work every day.

I would find your unwanted marital advice more comforting if you were still married.

'Book Of Mormon' theme that religion is just made-up story lost on viewer inspired to convert.

Please tell me what I did that made you stop talking to me so I can keep doing it.

Just letting you know I got your voicemail and may eventually listen to it.

I wish the healthcare industry was as concerned about my health as Angelina Jolie is.

Thanks for pretending not to notice how much weight I gained at college.

Hearing you talk about your study abroad makes me wish you were still in another country.

I hope your Instagrammed birthday pictures don't make you feel even older than you are.

Happy birthday to someone who looks as young as they did the last time O.J. Simpson was in court.

I need a vacation from my vacation spent worrying about my dog in the kennel.

May 16: On your shared birthday with Megan Fox, I wanted to send my early wishes before I spend the day Googling half-naked pictures of her.

NFL player provides urine sample to IRS sign.

I just want a car that doesn't require an Instagram filter to look cool.

Here's to the IRS being as scrutinized, inconvenienced, and publicly shamed as an audited U.S. citizen.

Investigating the IRS is the best use of my tax dollars.

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