1. One Legislator Unlucky Enough To Get Caught Being Corrupt Resigning From Congress

1/535th of the U.S. Congress's corruption problem was solved today, when Michael Grimm—who represents New York State's 11th congressional district—announced that he will resign from office, after pleading guilty to tax evasion. The state will soon hold a special election to pick up the political malfeasance where Grimm left off.

Imagine how many crimes Michael Grimm will commit without a full time job.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) December 30, 2014

2. CIA Finally Admits It Does The Bidding Of Our Secret Alien Overlords

The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency yesterday publicly took responsibility for the rash of UFO sightings that began in the 1950s, tweeting "Reports of unusual activity in the skies in the '50s? It was us." What terrified civilians took for dangerous flying saucers were apparently nothing more than harmless U-2 spy planes secretly used by our government to bring the nation just up to the brink of global thermonuclear war.

"UFO, FU!" -- someone who just got anally probed by aliens and also loves palindromes

— Myq Kaplan (@myqkaplan) September 24, 2014

3. Large-Breasted Colombian Mom To Spend Life With Muscle-Bound Italian-American Werewolf

Preternaturally beautiful 42-year-old mother Sofia Vergara has reportedly accepted a marriage proposal from ridiculously well-built 38-year-old actor Joe Manganiello. The Modern Family and True Blood actors will be wed in a ceremony, surrounded by their wealthy and attractive friends in a location where you cannot go, ugly.

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are engaged. They plan to get cracking on a pack of chiseled, big-breasted wolf spawn as soon as possible.

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) December 30, 2014

4. Netflix To Help Duplicitous Parents Lie To Their Overly Trusting Children This New Year's Eve

Online streaming service Netflix is offering parents of particularly gullible children an opportunity to get to bed early this New Year's Eve, through the use of a Madagascar-themed animated short propaganda film designed to fool dumb little kids into believing that they are actually getting to partake in the shared social experience of ringing in the new year, when in fact they are simply the victims of an intricate con and are yelling about nothing at 7:36. The three-minute special is currently available to play now, in case you just want to get all this over with immediately. Your dim-witted kids won't know the difference.

I'm delighted to find out we all hate New Year's Eve. If we just collectively agree to stay home, we can do nothing without feeling guilty!

— Happy Lou Year (@LouisPeitzman) December 30, 2014

5. Extremely Rare Sumatran Tiger Devours Cubs In Effort To Remain Extremely Rare

Not long after giving birth to three cubs at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo, a Sumatran tiger mother was discovered to have eaten her offspring, which is kind of another way of saying that Sumatran tigers are exactly as rare and endangered as they were a few weeks ago.

For just $8 a month my neighbor Peter will help you symbolically water birth an endangered tiger.

— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) December 26, 2012

Revised New Year's resolution: just get through it somehow.

If you hate New Year's Eve as much as John Oliver, then this is the song for you. Chase Holfeder, currently YouTube's resident Guy Who Takes Songs In A Major Key And Sings Them In A Minor Key, performs "Auld Lang Syne."

Listen to it below, and any high hopes you had for 2015 will drop faster than a ball in Times Square.

The airlines didn't want you to know how cheap their flights are, but this stock photo of some guy does.

Aktarer Zaman is a 22-year-old entrepreneur who just got himself into a lot of trouble with the airline industry. He started a website offering people cheap ticket prices that have airlines losing a lot of money.

His method is called "hidden city" ticketing, and it isn't new. Everyone knows that flights with layovers are cheaper than ones without. Often airlines will offer lower ticket prices to destinations that are not regional hubs, but route them through big cities. Zaman's website Skiplagged.com (unavailable at the time of this post due to being over capacity) finds your destination as a layover, allowing passengers to take advantage of the cheaper flight by simply getting off the plane at the layover destination.Fox 13 explains the process:

"The idea is that you buy an airline ticket that has a layover at your actual destination. Say you want to fly from New York to San Francisco — you actually book a flight from New York to Lake Tahoe with a layover in San Francisco and get off there, without bothering to take the last leg of the flight.

This travel strategy only works if you book a one-way flight with no checked bags (they would have landed in Lake Tahoe)."

While this isn't exactly illegal—anyone with a lot of time on their hands could hunt for these tickets themselves—the ease with which Skiplagged has made it possible to acquiring these tickets has cost an estimated $75,000 in lost revenue, say United Airlines and Orbitz in their lawsuit. As Zaman explains in a reddit AMA,

"There are no good alternative for what Skiplagged is doing I think. The manually process involves guessing the final destination on other sites, which can be very tedious unfortunately. Skiplagged shows results absolutely no other websites show, saving consumers lots of money. Hence why it's being sued."

He also comments that he doesn't believe it is even clear that these airlines are in fact losing money, and points out that "consumers are paying for seats they don't take [on the leg of the journey after the layover] which allows the airlines to collect more standby fees."

The strangest part about this is that Zaman hasn't even made a profit off his site. Fox 13 reports that he has a real job at a tech startup (he won't say which) and Skiplagged is just a fun little "side project" he created to help travelers take advantage of the system.

He is confident that the service he is offering is legal, yet going up against billion dollar corporations in court could exhaust the project anyway. If you want to support him, he says there is a fundraising link on his site to help him with legal fees. That is, once his website is back up from being overrun with visitors.

"What's in the box?!"

Here's a few things you need to know before watching the following video of a girl having an utter meltdown over her Christmas present:

1. Turn down the volume on your computer. Teenage girl shrieks are the leading cause of inner ear cell damage among people near teenage girls.

2. Don't worry. This is a wail of happiness, not one of terror, pain or grief. The contents of the box are just tickets to a One Direction concert, not a loved one's severed body part.

3. One Direction is a musical group. Apparently, they're from the United Kingdom, and each member is more adorable than the last.

You are now cleared to watch:

For there is but one who can reconcile humanity, and he is Weed Jesus. Praise be unto him.

I hate pranks. All they do is create a terrible situation and then expect you to laugh when you find out you never had to be in a terrible situation in the first place. Hahaha, I didn't really throw our child over the balcony. Hahaha, you don't really have cancer. That's not humor, that's relief.

If only there were a God who walks amongst us to end our suffering.

Weed Jesus, just passing through town, happened to be walking by while YouTube's whatever was attempting to pull off the thoroughly lame "Fly Away Baby Prank." Completely unamused, WJ waves off the prank, takes a strong hit of weed, then shares his joint with a random guy in a wheelchair.

WWWJD?

He would generously flick his joint onto the handicapped.

This perfectly captured outtake was slowed down and appropriately set to Dr. Dre's "The Next Episode" by Thugify.

Ew! Ooh. Ew! Ooh.

WARNING! If you're not a fan of gross, weirdly WTF stuff, then do not watch this video during your lunch break. However, if you're one of those people who find things like extreme pimple popping and giant splinter removal oddly satisfying, then you're in for a real treat, because this clip is the Citizen Kane of hygiene blooper videos. Which makes YouTuber Joe Gross the Orson Welles of the genre.

Gross had a black mark on his face "for months" that had been bothering him. After shaving off his beard he noticed it was an ingrown hair. So he grabbed a pair of industrial tweezers and did some digging. Then some pulling. And more pulling. Until suddenly he realized he was removing a strand of facial hair so long it looked like it could've begun its journey as a pube.

It's so long and nasty that it almost looks fake. Except that someone taking the time to create this with special effects is even more odd than a guy discovering an ingrown hair on his face and thinking, "Better get this on tape!"

"SeanChar?" "PennRon?" (via Getty)

Even though we can't confirm that Sean Penn and Charlize Theron got engaged while in Paris recently, we can confirm that the Daily Mail (via US Weekly) seem convinced they are. We can also confirm that the couple went to a movie in Los Angeles on Sunday and Sean had his arm around her, which sounds a lot like a couple who might be secretly engaged.

The story is that Sean didn't even give Charlize a ring, only that he asked her to "take their relationship to the next level."

Here's how the Daily Mail put it:

The actor reportedly asked Charlize Theron to 'take their relationship to the next level,' when he proposed on a trip there in late November, a source revealed to UsWeekly on Monday.

And the actor looked every bit the doting fiancé as he put a protective arm around Charlize on a trip to the cinema on Sunday night. After sharing a cigarette outside the Los Angeles venue, the 54-year-old led Charlize inside as they chatted animatedly.

The outing came as it emerged that the 39-year-old actress and her beau had secretly got engaged, although the beautiful blonde wasn't yet wearing any bling.
The source added: 'There's no ring, but they are committed.'

If that's true, then congrats are in order for not only Sean and Charlize, but for any shady-looking actor under six feet, because—let's be honest—if a non-famous guy who looked like Sean Penn walked into a restaurant with Charlize Theron, everyone in the room would think he was a Silicon Valley billionaire who dealt blow as a hobby.

Here's how we think the proposal may have gone down, based on the reporting:

SEAN: So, I've been thinking about maybe taking our relationship to the next level.

CHARLIZE: Do you mean what I think you mean?

SEAN: Yeah.

Sean lights a cigarette.

CHARLIZE: So, is there a ring?

SEAN: No. Because you know what'll happen—as soon as I give you a ring, some asshole will take a picture of it, and before you know it, the Daily Mail is stealing the story from US Weekly and then it's all over the internet. But I meant what I said about the whole, you know, taking it to the next level thing.

CHARLIZE: Okay. Sounds good.

SEAN: Great. Let's fly back to LA and catch a movie in a few weeks.

The proud father.

You may have heard of the "cycle of violence," in which a parent abuses a child who eventually grows up to become a parent that abuses his or her child. Somewhat less well known is the "cycle of bad-naming," but this here is a textbook case.

Louisiana resident Jack Daniels Leathers was born 31 years ago to parents with a somewhat cavalier attitude toward naming their kids.

"My parents decided they wanted to name their son something to make their parents mad," Jack Daniels explained to local Louisiana paper Houma Today. "And, at the time, my dad was drinking Jack, which he enjoyed. My mom said, 'Why not?'"

Hmmm... I can think of a couple decent reasons. A big one popped up—or out—about three decades after she asked the question, when it came time for her Jack Daniels and his wife Lydia to think up a name for their own scion.

"On our first date, we were talking about baby names. We thought Jim Beam would be a good idea," Jack Daniels recalled.

You know, that's a cute thing to joke about on a first date. You'd think the humor might wear off, though, by the time your wife comes full term. Nope. In fact, there are already plans in place for the next few kids:

"If we have another child, our second born will be Evan Williams, after the bourbon. If it's a girl, she will be Sherry, like the cooking sherry," Jack Daniels said.

I don't know. I think Maker's Mark would be a nice name for a little girl.

Sorry. I don't mean to be too judgey. I just feel bad for kids who have to deal with their parents' dumb decisions for the rest of their lives, likely because I'm feeling guilty for all the stupid bullshit that I'm definitely going to inflict upon my own son. Ultimately, if Jack Daniels and Lydia Leathers want to name their children after something that makes people throw up and slam their cars into telephone polls, that's their prerogative.

Just like it's my prerogative to be a douche about it on the Internet.

Looks like more fun than most weddings. (courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

Shelby Swink was all set to get married on November 1 of this year. Then, on October 28, Shelby's fiance sat her down, told her he didn't love her, and called off the wedding.

Shelby was stunned.

She'd known her fiance since their undergrad days, and she'd "poured [her] heart and soul into the wedding plans." When her fiance ended things just days before their wedding, she suddenly found herself canceling reservations, calling guests, and wondering what to do next.

(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

Shelby's friends and family rallied around her. But she "didn't want to be that girl that everyone was tiptoeing around," she told Fox 13 Memphis.

A few people suggested she trash her dress, and though she was hesitant at first because of the cost, she decided she'd rather have a splatter paint party than a pity party on what was supposed to be her wedding day.

(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

Photographer Elizabeth Hoard captured the moment as Shelby's bridesmaids unleashed brightly colored paint all over her dress. The second the paint hit her dress was cathartic for Shelby, who told Fox 13 Memphis, "At that moment, I just let it go."

(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

If the photographs are any indication, Shelby's parents and friends had a blast making a huge mess with paint and feathers. They enjoyed champagne and cigars, and as a bonus, nobody had to sit through any boring speeches.

(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

Not only is Shelby totally awesome at life, she has a surprisingly gracious message for her ex. She tells BuzzFeed News that if she could say one thing to him it would be "Thank you for sparing me greater pain and loss down the road. Thank you for pushing me to realize my own strength. Thank you for teaching me that no one can take away my happiness. Thank you for letting me go so I can one day experience true reciprocated love. THANK YOU!"

(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

The owner of The Barefoot Bride in Memphis saw Shelby's story on a bridal blog and put her improved dress on display. A portion of proceeds from sales at the store while the gown is on display will go to Be Free Revolution.

It's a pretty badass way to handle disappointment.

If your last name is "Swink," never change it.
(courtesy of Elizabeth Hoard Photography)

Originally published: May 16, 2014

Godzilla with Brooke Shields in Beverly Hills. An item from '88-'89, the two remain good friends.

With all the hype around tomorrow's new Godzilla movie, Godzilla, it's easy to forget that everyone's favorite atomic abomination has had more ups and downs than Mothra being tossed around a Tokyo suburb. It's almost hard to believe he was a child actor when the world first fell in love with him, standing a mere 150 feet tall and barely able to push over a Japanese apartment block. 60 years later, he's 355 feet tall and in his physical prime.

Some have wondered whether turning "Zilly" into an actor at 6 months old was a good idea.

Although he's bigger than he's ever been, physically, it's doubtful the King of Monsters will ever reign supreme the way he did when he was younger, but he's OK with that. “I'd rather do one film every 15 years or so that I really enjoy than try to crank out things I'm not proud of just to stay in the public eye," said the 60-year-old nuclear mutant in a recent interview with Vanity Fair.

The peak of Godzilla's career came with the release of his 1998 film, Godzilla, his first film with a major Hollywood studio. Expectations had never been higher: the film had a budget of $125 million, a major change for an actor used to making charmingly low-budget B movies often relying on his physical comedy skills.

Godzilla at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards during the height of his fame.

The movie was a worldwide success, but aside from his diehard base of children who love monsters, it was a critical bomb. The film's other star, Matthew Broderick, would not headline another successful movie until The Producers six years later, but Godzilla's off-screen antics made him positively radioactive to directors.

Depression combined with alcohol and drugs to form an unstoppable juggernaut of reckless behavior that destroyed billions in property...and almost his life. Many blamed his behavior on the treatment Godzilla received as a vulnerable child monster actor, something that eventually led him to befriend his one-time archenemy Corey Haim. Nevertheless, it was growing harder and harder to justify his actions. Friends, family and even Oprah tried to penetrate his armor of denial and self-destruction, but not even a video of his sobbing former lover, Brooke Shields, begging him to seek treatment could halt or even slow his vodka and MegaPercocet-fueled rampage.

His descent into pariah status began with a 2005 interview with the National Review, during which he claimed the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001 were a natural consequence of US foreign policy. “When you create a monster like Al Qaeda in Afghanistan to fight the Soviets, don't be surprised when it unexpectedly shows up in New York one day. Trust me."

From left to right: Ted Nugent, Godzilla.

Indeed, many wondered whether it was the public who had created a monster by blasting Godzilla with a deadly dose of attention. The backlash drove 'Zilla deeper into the bottle. By the time he suggested that President Obama had been born deep on the seafloor near the Marianas trench, he was a laughingstock. What fans he had left ran screaming from him into the hillsides.

Then, the unexpected happened: Godzilla checked into the Cliffside Malibu rehab center. He stayed there for almost a year, saying he would not leave until he could be sure he would never again become a reflection of humanity's dark side.

Godzilla in Romeo and Juliet at the Colonial Little Theater in Johnstown, NY.

He took work wherever he could get it. When asked by TMZ whether doing summer stock in upstate New York was humiliating, he seemed happier than he had been in decades: “I'm just enjoying acting again, and doing it just for my pleasure and for the pleasure of the audience. I feel like I've been given a new lease on life."

Duey.

Not wanting to fall back into old habits with old friends, Godzilla relied on his three Chihuahas, named Huey, Luey and Duey after his favorite cartoon characters, to keep him company and force him to be responsible every day. “People look at you and they make all kinds of judgments, like I'm going to stomp them into paste or something. I haven't done that in years. My dogs have no judgment. Sometimes all a lizard has are his dogs."

After Brad Pitt told him he needed to lose weight for his health and his career, Godzilla hired celebrity trainer Jillian Michaels to get him in shape. He rehabilitated his public image as well; he came out as the first publicly gay kaiju (although he cannot get legally married since he is the only one of his kind) and apologized to President Obama. Godzilla is currently vying with pro wrestler John Cena for the title of most wishes granted for the Make A Wish Foundation.

All that hard work paid off when it was announced that Warner Bros. would give Godzilla's Godzilla franchise a gritty reboot a la Batman Begins. While Dwayne Johnson was originally approached for the role, he had already signed on to do Hercules, so the studio took a huge gamble: they called the 60-year-old Godzilla and asked him to come in for a screen test. He annihilated it, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Posted to Godzilla's Instagram: "In the 'bu, thinkin about how #blessed I am. #kaijulife"

(Written by Johnny McNulty, images by Cole Mitchell)

Originally published 5/21/14:

Let's hope the kid is not his son. He's really too young to be a father.

This California teen's winning performance of "Billie Jean" at his high school talent show is pretty incredible. But perhaps the most impressive thing about it is that kids are still willing to get up, thrust their pelvises, and take the risk that their peers will find them super lame.

It's not like in our day when talent show performances were seen one time and then never again. (And thank god—now it's as if stiffly awkward 12-year-old me never got up and sang Green Day's "Time of Your Life" while refusing to do so much as sway from side to side!) Today's teens know everything makes it online, and you have to have some pretty big balls to put yourself out there in front of the most obnoxious bunch of teenagers ever: YouTube commenters. Luckily, this kid is extremely talented.

Moonwalk's at 2:57. Don't miss it.

Originally published 9/29/14:

Here's a tip: this job is really hard.

Everyone should have to work in a restaurant at some point if they want to be a decent person (Cheesecake Factory alumna right here). If you disagree a quick Google search will show 80 million results confirming this concept. The main reason for this is so that, as a restaurant patron, you learn just how stupidly hard waiting tables can be, and learn compassion for the person you have asked to bring you every sauce on the side.

Over the weekend in Iowa, a couple went to a restaurant and received terrible service. It took twenty minutes to get coffee, an hour to get their food, and all the other patrons were "making fun of the restaurant and how terrible the service was." But instead of complaining with their wallets, Makenzie and Steven Schultz rewarded the server by tipping him almost 150%.

And those shoes had a non-slip tread and were covered in kitchen slime. (Via)

Why did they do that? As Makenzie Schultz posted on her Facebook page:

So here's the deal. Our service tonight sucked. Took 20 minutes to get water, 40 minutes for an appetizer and over an hour for our entree. People all around us were making fun of the restaurant & how bad the service was. Yeah, it was pretty terrible. But, it was very obvious that the issue was being short staffed, not the server. He was running around like crazy and never acted annoyed with any table. At one point we counted he had 12 tables plus the bar. More than any one person could handle! As I sat there and watched him run back & forth and apologize for the wait, I said to Steven... Wow, this used to be us. Waiting tables. I don't miss it at all and I never loved that job. I did it for the tips. Steven and I agreed it would feel good to make this guys night when he would probably be getting minimal to no tips due to slow service. We walked out before he saw this and I'm not posting this for a pat on the back. I'm just sharing this as a friendly reminder to think of the entire situation, before you judge. And always always always remember where you came from.

As much as I don't always want to remember my years slinging cheesecake, when it comes to tipping, it's always good to remember that it's hard to be someone's servant. If you still can't understand why this was a totally rad thing for this couple to do, go out and get a job waiting tables right now. The Internet is begging you.

He doesn't really have the hips for it.

Sierra loves hula-hooping, and she doesn't see any reason her dog should miss out just because he's a giant dog. Sure, he might be three times her size, but being a successful hula-hooper just takes confidence and a little practice.

"It's fun. It's really fun," she promises.

Her dog, however, has no interest in looking foolish.