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Sony introduced the first wearable computer to look dumber than Google Glass.

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Yikes.


One for SpongeBob 3D, please.(via Mashable)

It's been less than a month since Google stopped selling Google Glass. The product showed a lot of promise, but ultimately it was doomed by the fact that you couldn't wear it without looking like a huge tool.


Imagine your favorite tool behind these.(via Wikipedia)

Now, Sony has decided the problem with Google's wearable was that it wasn't ugly and cumbersome enough. Their solution: SmartEyeglass!

Not only does it look like 3D glasses for somebody with severe astigmatism, it comes with a wired controller that can't be removed. And also, you'll need an Android device to make it work. And also, what is Sony thinking?

To be fair, the product they're selling now is a developer kit, so later versions should have a number of improvements. Regardless of what happens, Sony has already accomplished one technological feat: they made us miss Google Glass.


100 people move up to next round in Mars suicide mission.

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And they are THRILLED.

Everyone has moments where being ejected into the limitless night of space sounds like a good idea. Few of those people are committed enough to go through multiple cycles of training and competition to do it. Dutch entrepreneur Bas Lansdorp is giving those few the opportunity with Mars One, a plan to send the first colony to Mars by 2024.

Originally starting with a pool of 200,000 (what?!) applicants, they just announced the last 100 finalists. One of those 100, English physicist Ryan McDonald, filmed himself finding out he'd made it to the next round and he seems genuinely thrilled, as do his supportive parents.

It's easy to poke fun at these future Martians when you're terrified of enclosed spaces and flying and dying alone on an uninhabitable planet, but for some people this is THE adventure of a lifetime. I can respect that and it sure is interesting to watch.

Even that promo video has a sci-fi horror vibe and they do not shy away from the fact that the 24 people who will eventually go to Mars will NOT be returning. The heart wants what it wants?

Truly exceptional people. Everyone else can continue to identify with this frog caught in a rocket launch:


Wheeeeeeeee!(via NASA Wallops Flight Facility/Chris Perry)

World's funkiest 9-months-pregnant lady dances to Thriller to induce labor.

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That's how you turn a baby into a Blanket.

We don't know if there's any scientific basis to "Thriller" inducing labor, but it has to work better than "Man in the Mirror." At the very least, it should give the kid some rhythm, although it seems like that runs in the family. This mom's got better moves at 9 months than I ever had.

On a serious note, Bonnie Northsea (the woman in the video) mentions in the description that her husband was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and watching this helps her laugh. It's an inspiring story. Frankly, I haven't been this moved since the last time I listened to "Man in the Mirror."

Well seasoned.

This Weather Channel meteorologist freaked out with joy during a thunder-blizzard.

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He has the enthusiasm of every Weather Channel viewer combined.

The meteorologists of The Weather Channel are not like you or I. They're a rare breed, and they look at the world in their own way. For example, whereas Boston's record-breaking snow and sub-zero temperatures might depress most people, the fact that they brought thundersnow made Jim Cantore absolutely lose his mind with delight.

If you were wondering, thundersnow is a rare atmospheric phenomenon where a heavy snowstorm is accompanied by thunder and lightning. It's difficult to even hear unless you're very close, both because the snow muffles the sound, and because Jim Cantore is usually screaming like a crazy person wherever it happens.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 17, 2015

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1. Conan O'Brien Smuggled His Talk Show Into Cuba

Conan O'Brien reportedly spent this past weekend in Havana, Cuba filming segments for his TBS show, Conan, making him the first U.S. talk show host to shoot inside the formerly off-limits country since Jack Paar interviewed Cuban President Fidel Castro for the Tonight Show in 1959, when masturbating bears were still only rarely seen on national television.


2. Lance Armstrong Fined 10 Million Of The Dollars He Didn't Deserve To Earn

An arbitration panel has found that seven-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong must pay a $10 million fine to a promotions company for a career-long series of lies that it characterized as an "unparalleled pageant of international perjury, fraud, and conspiracy." It's nice to see that this hero continues to break records even in his retirement.


3. New Study Finds Link Between Having Money And Getting What You Want

According to two new studies from political scientists, billionaire business magnates who are capable of funneling hundreds of millions of dollars into political campaigns have a somewhat higher chance of getting what they want from the government than the unwashed hordes of faceless nobodies who spend hours waiting in line to cast the votes that they actually believe in their naive little minds will have an effect on the actions of their plutocratic nation.


4. Fifty Shades Of Grey Drives Audiences Wild With Alcohol

Violence broke out at a Scottish theater showing the new film Fifty Shades of Grey when a group of highly intoxicated and rowdy female audience members attacked a man who was dumb enough to ask them to keep the noise down. Personally, I don't see what the problem is. Sounds like they were just getting into the spirit of the film.


5. Lady Gaga To Marry Human Male Earthling

Pop singer Lady Gaga has confirmed rumors that she is engaged to marry an actual living human being. Bridegroom-to-be Taylor Kinney currently makes his living as a model and actor, and not as a particularly vibrant shade of mascara or cloud of rancid-smelling vapor as one might suspect.

What lies beneath.

Someone has invented the world's first beehive with a tap for collecting honey.

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This would blow Winnie the Pooh's mind.

Scientists keep debating why the population of honeybees is declining. Theories range from infection to pesticides to stress. But after watching this video, the answer seems clear: they just weren't hustling enough.

Not anymore, thanks to the revolutionary new FlowHive! This is the world's first beehive with a tap, allowing the honey to be collected without disturbing the bees. It keeps the bees motivated and happy, and as a bonus, you can eat the honey if you're into that.


Driver whose freshly-shoveled parking space was stolen gets hilarious revenge.

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He's the hero Boston deserves.


"Does someone have a snow brush I can borrow?"(via Craigslist)

For anyone who hasn't been keeping up with the weather this winter, Boston is gone. Buried under a record-breaking amount of snow and frozen in arctic temperatures, the city has descended into chaos and lawlessness. The only way of maintaining order is to take justice into your own hands.

That's what this man did. He spent hours shoveling out a parking space for his car, only to have it stolen while he wasn't looking. In another city, at another time, that might be fair, but this guy left a marker in his space. According to the mayor, that meant the spot was his for 48 hours.

When he found a stranger's car in his spot, he didn't key it or do anything rash, he just put the snow he had shoveled back. All of it. Onto the car. He only left the passenger door accessible, so the owner could still get in and out of their Chevy Igloo.

Having gotten his revenge, the man posted the whole thing on Craigslist, but deleted the post after it went viral. Luckily, screenshots are here to save the day:


Missed connection: seeing the look on your face.(via Craigslist)

Big day.

With the Internet's help, John Oliver is making a diseased lung the new mascot for Marlboro.

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¡Jeff!


Jeff the Diseased Lung: the new face of Marlboro, with Jon Oliver and the Internet's help.

John Oliver and the team behind Last Week Tonight have gotten a lot of praise for tackling in-depth topics that other shows can't, particularly shows that have to be made on (cough, cough) a daily basis.

This past Sunday, Last Week Tonight took on a target whose cartoon-evilness we can all agree on: Big Tobacco. By itself, that's not news—even Philip Morris' press statement responding to the episode acknowledges that dealing death makes them an easy target. What is news is that the episode actually made waves in the real world (or at least the Internet) by creating a new mascot for Marlboro: Jeff the Diseased Lung.


Jeff is actually in all three pictures, hidden inside cowboys' torsos.

As of today, if you Google 'Marlboro Mascot,' guess who comes up? Jeff. You can help put Jeff at the top of Google's results for Marlboro by downloading the image and then posting it yourself to Google Plus, tagging it with #Marlboro and #JeffWeCan. You can also join in the #JeffWeCan hashtag on Twitter.

Tiny, intimidated Marlboro Countries.

The 18-minute segment, which you should totally watch, focuses on Philip Morris International's practice of harassing small governments that try to pass public health laws limiting how cigarettes can be marketed. Even though the Marlboro Man and Joe Camel are long dead in the United States, companies like Philip Morris are determined to fight off any restrictions on their carefully-branded images in smaller economies, where cigarettes are booming (especially with kids). While anti-cigarette marketing laws succeed in rich countries like America and Australia, the mere threat of an expensive lawsuit can keep poor countries obedient.

As compromised as a smoker's immune system.


The packaging Australia uses, because they're rich enough to fight off PMI lawsuits.

Oliver wanted to find a middle ground between governments' desire to expose consumers to realistic images of what will happen if they smoke, and tobacco companies' desire to have fun branded images that make smoking look youthful and exciting. So, Oliver and company created Jeff the Diseased Lung, an anthropomorphic, emphysemic cowboy lung that kids love and which HBO's lawyers will not protect in any way.


Jeff is a big hit in Togo, where Marlboro sponsors loosie kiosks outside schools.

To help roll out the new mascot to smokers anywhere, Last Week Tonight handed out t-shirts in Togo and put up billboards in Uruguay, two countries Philip Morris has been trying to bully out of public health laws on cigarette marketing.

This is also aimed at replacing Marlboro's repugnant "Don't Be A Maybe" campaign, which is designed to recapture the kinds of young adults who used to identify with the Marlboro Man. (Warning: this marketing/branding strategy video is far more disgusting than any cancerous lung.)

Without that cancerous cowboy, those 15-30 year-olds have no way of knowing that not smoking Marlboros is the reason they haven't achieved maximum coolness and independence in life. Now, fortunately, they have Jeff.

Fuzzy memories.

Here are the best examples of people making the most of a cold situation.

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Quit your complaining and start entertaining.

Who needs to get outside, anyway? (via)

You don't need all your friends on Facebook and Instagram to post pictures of the weather forecast to know it's cold outside. They're doing it anyway, but if you've dared to leave your house any time in the last couple of weeks, you know it's cold!

Still, while everyone you know is complaining, some people in the coldest, most snowed-over parts of the country (and Canada—can't forget Canada, they are great at being cold) are defeating the weather with sheer bad-assery. Here are some of the best examples of people rocking the winter till the first signs of spring.

1. This toilet ice-skater.

No penalties for butt-ending in this league. (via)

2. These nun's having a snowball fight.

Holy water has so many uses. (via)

3. This dude making perfect sense.

Biggie moved four tons of white no problem. (via)

Here's a video of someone else with the same idea. (Do not try this at home. Or, if you do and burn your house down, don't blame me.)


4. This guy used his ex-wife's wedding dress as snow camouflage.


Let's just hope he's not hunting her. (via)

5. These kittens totally making the most of their owner being cold.


Just warming these up for ya. (via)

And for the cats that dared to leave... their owners filmed them on their first at bat with the snow.


6. This kid who claims he can sleep anywhere, anytime.

Sleeping like a log. Logs sleep outside in the snow, right? (via)

7. This guy showing his friend on a tropical vacation that he's having just as much fun.


Probably the best way to be frozen for future civilizations to figure out. (via)

8. And finally, this dude shoveling an obstacle course instead of a straight path.


Russian man feeds giant bear raw meat through his window in the most Russian YouTube video ever.

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Don't feed the bears.

This video may be the Platonic ideal of Russian YouTube videos. It has every element necessary:

  • A bear.
  • Someone engaging in reckless behavior around a large animal.
  • People speaking calmly in Russian while faced with certain death.
  • Bleakness.
  • Raw meat.

And just in case you were wondering if you should try this at home, here's your reminder that brown bears can weigh up to 1,400 pounds and kill ten people every year in Russia. Also, their paws are fucking massive.

Stains and suffering.


This ninja dishwasher will blow your mind with his speed.

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He's become one with the dishes.

This guy is so fast at washing dishes, he's a dishwashing machine. That is, not a dishwashing machine as in a dishwasher. I mean, he is a dishwasher, but that's his job. He's not like a dishwashing machine dishwasher, although he is like that in how fast he is at washing dishes. But he's not a machine.

Or is he?

Westminster dog show winner unaware he's owned by 70s heiress/kidnapping victim/robber Patty Hearst.

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Much like Patty Hearst in the 70s, this dog has no idea what it has been groomed to do.

Patty Hearst was quite a divisive figure in her time, but I think we can all just shut up for a minute and love this freaking dog. His name is Rocket and he won Best in Group (Toy) at the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Yes, he is co-owned by Patty Hearst, who is widely known as the heiress who was kidnapped, brainwashed then imprisoned for armed robbery. But as she told reporters:

"People move on. I guess people somehow imagine you don't evolve in your life. I have grown daughters and granddaughters and other things that normal people have."

Though normal people are usually not co-investors in purebred dogs, she's right. If we're lucky, we go through many stages in life. If we're very lucky, the later stages involve more dog brushing, and less time being a cult figure trapped by an insane terrorist organization.

These are the most popular songs to have sex to, according to Spotify.

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How much sexier would this be if you knew they were listening to N.W.A.?

Whether you call it having sex, making love, engaging in coitus, larding the sausage, going down to boner town or enjoying a good story from Philip K. Dick, odds are you like doing it with a little mood music playing in the background. But maybe the Spin Doctors' "Pocket Full of Kryptonite" isn't doing it for you the same way it did twenty years ago. Maybe you're looking for some new inspiration in the bedroom.

After carefully examining the roughly 2.5 million user-created playlists titled "sex" (or some variant thereof) in their music streaming service, the music perverts at Spotify were able to determine the ten most popular songs for assaulting loved ones with a friendly weapon:

1. Hozier - "From Eden"

2. The 1975 - "Menswear"

3. Coldplay - "Magic"

4. Disclosure, Eliza Doolittle - "You & Me - Flume Remix"

5. Zelia Day - "Sweet Ophilia"

6. Dylan Gardner - "Let's Get Started"

7. LP - "Night Like This"

8. Chet Faker - "Talk Is Cheap"

9. Fou De Toi - "Dreams"

10. The xx - "Intro"

Believe it or not, there was a time in history when Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" would have placed pretty highly on this list. There was a time when it placed highly on every list.

That was a weird time.

Evil cat looks right in his owner's eyes and ignores her pleas to stop knocking stuff off a table.

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Kitty don't give a f*********k.

YouTube user Jennifer Morales titled this video "Gato malo," which means "bad cat" in Spanish. Good call, Jennifer. This is the most malo gato we've ever seen. Just look into those eyes.


That's the adorably fuzzy face of el diablo.(via Jennifer Morales)

92-year-old driver terrorizes 10 cars in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

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If at first you don't succeed, throw it in reverse and speed up.

A 92-year-old man from Mayville, Wisonsin seemingly panicked on Friday afternoon when, after slowly backing his 2007 Chrysler Pacifica out of his parking spot, started hitting all of the cars in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

He ended up hitting a total of 10 cars in under 30 seconds; four directly, and six others being dinged by them. There was almost an 11th, too: the car you see car casually rolling toward a driver trying to leave the lot in another lane.

Fortunately, no one was hurt, although the front bumper of that white car is definitely going through some separation anxiety.

Police didn't even give this guy a ticket as they believed he was facing some sort of medical emergency. But if they can leave this guy on the road, they'll need to be excusing a lot more people.

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