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Overachiever alert: 14-year-old breakdancer solves Rubik's Cube while spinning on his head.

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I could do that but I don't wanna.


14-year-old Justin Stomp must be one of those superkids. He's got the brain, he's got the moves, he's got the awesome name, and he has the showmanship to put it all on YouTube. When I was his age, I was so far behind that YouTube didn't even exist yet. Also I was unathletic and lazy.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that we expect great things from Justin. Next up: completing a Sudoku while doing a windmill. Then: world peace. You can do it, kid! We believe in you!


Turning the 2016 Election into 'Too Many Cooks' is the best thing CNN has ever done.

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This is precisely the right number of cooks.

It kills me to say this, but good job, CNN. Really good job. If this is all you're remembered for besides establishing the 24/7 cable news paradigm, that will be OK. Not only is Too Many Cooks the perfect metaphor for the cacophony of crazy that make up our presidential and congressional candidates (particularly the demolition derby-style 2016 GOP field), someone finally found the perfect use for the endless supply of cheesy footage these candidates release every cycle.

Plus, let's be honest: we all know that playing the tape out to the end will probably end as darkly as the Adult Swim version did. In the best case, I'm referring to a bloody victor emerging over his/her opponents in the election. But I mean it more in the "everything goes boom and 'We'll Meet Again' starts playing over the credits" sense. We'll be very lucky if having a Demon Sheep overlord is the way it turns out.

Next up: Fox News gets in on the "old Internet memes" craze and invites liberals to a fun party...a lemon party.

18 things you should never, ever do on Tinder.

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Even if you suck at dating in real life, you can still succeed at pretending to be someone desirable online.


Do we really have to explain why this is a bad profile pic? (via)

Are you not getting nearly as many matches on Tinder as the amount of right swipes you're throwing out there? Maybe it's not what you're doing, but how you're doing it. Maybe you chose the wrong photos. Maybe you're just hideous and nobody will ever love you. No matter what the reasons are, there are steps you can take to up your chances, and the first thing you should do is make sure you never, under any circumstances, do any of these things.

1. Don't use group photos, because they won't know which one you are. Oh, also don't use a picture you took of your children at the beach and you're not even in the thing.


(via)

2. Everything within you is going to want to incorporate corn dogs into your photo. Try to avoid corn dog-related photography at all costs.


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3. If you're going to get right to the point, make sure your point isn't to come across like a camera guy from 'Girls Gone Wild.'


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4. Believe it or not, women can be unimpressed with you even if they're not lesbians. If that upsets you, don't respond by talking like one of the Super Mario Bros.


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5. Asking about religious beliefs will almost always limit your number of potential partners.


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6. Never try to start a spontaneous roast battle. You'll win the battle, but your bed will lose the war.


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7. Photoshopping your pictures can be very deceiving. Now she's going to be expecting a guy with a bracelet-covered arm coming out of his crotch, so you've already disappointed her.


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8. At least give your match 15-20 minutes to respond to your terrible, awful garbage pickup line that is so terrible, it should go on your permanent record.


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9. If your senses of humor don't line up, maybe just move on to the next one instead of turning into a human version of a Linkin Park song?


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10. It may be tempting, but never swipe right without reading over their profile. It's shocking how many users have unintentionally matched with The Dark Lord and then got stuck in hours of monotonous messages about the Apocalypse and the ocean turning to blood.


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11. When you're copying and pasting your robotic opening lines, make sure to update the name to whomever you're dazzling with your Mad Lib-style charm.


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12. If you ramble on so long that you lost interest in your profile, odds are, so did your potential matches. Also why are you taking bullets for strangers?


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13. Never bring attention to areas where you come up a little short.


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14. Try to avoid using profile pictures that will haunt the nightmares of anyone who sees it for the rest of their lives. Most users list that as a major turn off.


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15. No matter how horny you get, always try to remember the proper use of your and you're. Save a little of that blood flow for your brain.


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16. Don't even open the app if you're hungry. You'll end up meeting someone that you think you want, but in the end they'll leave you sick, empty, and greasy.


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17. Posting a pic with a celebrity almost always comes off tacky.


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18. Everyone loves Monster Energy Drink and everyone loves naked guys slouched in a bathtub. Here's the thing that most people don't realize: combining those two elements can come off a bit unattractive.


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Article 19

Married couple who met in 2004 find themselves in the same home movie from 1988.

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It's the kind of romantic magic that only happens at waterparks.


What a difference 26 years makes.(via Jourdan Spencer/Jason Heller)

Ryan and Jourdan Spencer have been married since 2007. They have three children and live in Scotch Plains, NJ. They met on a blind date in 2004, but according to a recently uncovered home movie, that meeting almost happened 16 years earlier, in bathing suits.

It turns out, both Ryan and Jourdan were on vacation with their families at Langhorne, PA's Sesame Place at the same time in 1988. That realization came to them when they were watching old home movies taken by Jourdan's parents. All of a sudden, Ryan saw himself pop up in the video, stepping in front of his future wife in all his skinny, bespectacled 13-year-old glory.


The couple checked the timeline with their respective parents, who confirmed their theory. Both families were at the park on that day, and there's no doubt it's Ryan in the video. Now, the VHS tape has been preserved digitally to serve as a treasured family heirloom.

This is a very sweet story, and has personal significance for me. I grew up in that part of New Jersey, and I also went on a family vacation to Sesame Place when I was young. My experience was less magical, though. All that happened was that my brother stubbed his toe and it bled, so we had to go home early. Not that that reflects on the park; he was ignoring the "no horseplay" signs. The point is just that I hope my future wife wasn't there at the time. It was gross.

5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - March 20, 2015

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1. Florida State Employee Gets The Punishment He Deserves For Mentioning Climate Change

An employee of Florida's environmental protection department is claiming that he was forced to receive a mental health evaluation and go on a leave of absence after he made reference to climate change in a report concerning the proposed Keystone XL Pipeline, thus violating Gov. Rick Scott's unwritten prohibition of mentioning unseemly realities of life in his administration.


2. Watching People Make Food Is Somehow Making Us Fat

Apparently, we're not even allowed to watch people make delicious butter-filled foods on television anymore. According to a new study published in Appetite, people who regularly regularly watch cooking shows on television and also cook for themselves had higher body mass indexes than people do not watch those shows but do cook for themselves. It seems that the best option is to not watch any cooking shows and use that time instead to finish off another container of Mint Oreos.


3. 'Fraggle Rock' Movie Is Finally Being Made For Children Who Have Never Heard Of It

Actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is reportedly producing and starring in a film adaptation of Jim Henson's television series Fraggle Rock. If you're old enough to be excited by that news, then this movie is probably not being made for you.


4. The Daytime Sky To Soon Be Blotted Out By Countless Amazon Drones

The Federal Aviation Administration has given Amazon an "experimental airworthiness certificate" to test their proposed flying delivery drones, so please enjoy these last few moments of blue sky outside your window. Before you know it, it'll all just be an undulating black cloud of buzzing robots, and the Earth shall fall into darkness. On the plus side, you'll get your humping dog USB toy really quickly.


5. Study Finds Porn To Be Good For You, So Why Are You Still Reading This?

According to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, people who watch pornography for at least two hours a week actually had a higher sex drive and and stronger desire to perform with their partners than those who did not. So, for the sake of your relationship, you should probably get down to business right about now.

Tinder is the new MTV (if MTV was still MTV).

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And it's not just because they're both promoting sex between young hot people.


"Guys, can we get more hands around me?" (via Jason Derulo)

It's because Tinder is premiering a music video, just like MTV used to before it became a party of abs and underage pregnancies. Singing man Jason Derulo has announced that the video for his new song "Want to Want Me" will premiere exclusively on Tinder, the dating app that I keep trying to spell as "Tindr" because it's a goddamn app and app names aren't supposed to have all of their vowels.

Derulo, who doesn't use Tinder, gave US Weekly a sound byte that I can only assume was written by a junior-level PR firm employee and repeated verbatim by Derulo:

"Social media and dating together is the new wave," Derulo, 25, tells Us. "It is the source of one half of the relationships in 2015, and I'm all about being part of the new wave. A lot of my friends and family members are on Tinder... [It's] the perfect place for my new single, 'Want to Want Me.' On Tinder, you swipe left or right and want the person you like to want you, too. It is a cool and unique way to deliver my new video to the world."

If you swipe right on Derulo's video, does that mean you get to have sex with it? Not the people in it, but the entire video? I hope so!

If you're curious about the song, here's the "official audio" with what looks like a music video, but is apparently not THE music video:


"Spiderman" Walmart shoplifter heroically escapes through ceiling ducts while security "runs around frantically."

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Friendly neighborhood Spiderman heroically saves his own ass.


The greatest escape of the Walmart generation. (via WKRG)

Amazing footage of the incredible escape by a suspected shoplifter who employees are now calling Spiderman went viral today after Mobile, Alabama resident Brannan Lynn caught the whole thing on tape.

"He sticks his feet through the ceiling by the entrance door," Lynn told WSFA, "hangs himself on top of the door frame, jumps down and somehow gets away with 30 people standing around him...it's the craziest thing I've ever seen."

According to Lynn, it all began when the suspect dropped his allegedly pilfered items ("a bag with shoes in it, a hat, a watch") while he was struggling with security outside the store. The suspect was led into the store's security room, but he busted out of there, ran into the adjacent in-store McDonald's, and then, astonishingly, jumped up onto a table, pushed a ceiling tile away, and pulled himself up into the duct system.

It is estimated that the suspect ran through 20ft of the duct system before deciding he had gotten to the right spot to kick through the ceiling.

The video cuts out there because Brannan's phone ran out of space, so he had to "immediately grab my dad's phone and continue on there."

How he manages to get away is the most amazing thing about it. Somehow, he just runs past the guards and away to freedom.

I had a quick Facebook chat with Brannan Lynn about what happened:

Me: Were any authorities in the McDonald's as he made his way into the ceiling (Walmart security, police, etc.)?

Brannan: Loss prevention officers, police took forever to get there. They were of no help.

Me: What did [the loss prevention officers] do while he was jumping into the ceiling?

Brannan: Run around frantically with no idea how to handle it. One person was extremely professional, everyone else looked ridiculous.

Me: How do you think he knew how to crawl through the ducts to the entrance like that? Did it seem like the guy had a plan?

Brannan: I really have no idea. I know that it was the most awesome thing I've ever seen, and he was determined not to get caught.
Me: Why did you turn the camera away?

Brannan: They were being so obnoxious about telling me to stop recording

Me:
Why was no one able to catch him when he jumped down?

Brannan:
I have absolutely no idea. They could have easily grabbed him.

Me:
Were you hoping he would get away?

Brannan:
I hope he never gets caught. That guy is my hero



Kind server treats little boy without enough cash for an ice cream, is rewarded later with huge tip.

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You scream, I scream, we all scream for custard-based kindness.

One of our readers wrote in after seeing our story on an amputee in Ohio who received a truly awful letter after asking a neighbor not to park in her handicapped spot. Seeking to reassure us that good people still exist, she pointed us to the story of her son, 18-year-old Travis Sattler, and the little kid who wanted a mini mint Oreo custard.


Children may not know the value of a dollar, but they know the value of a nickel.

Travis works at Freddy's Frozen Custard & Steakburgers in Katy, TX, and near the end of his shift on Wednesday, a little boy approached the counter with a few crumpled dollars and some loose change. "He was a little nervous," Travis later told reporters, "ends up handing me everything he had."

Everything he had was about $2 short, but Travis had once been a nervous little boy who wanted a custard, so he took out his own credit card and told the kid, "It's on me." When the boy heard that, Travis said, "he had the biggest eyes, the widest smile."


And they say kids don't know how to write letters on the backs of receipts anymore.

I'd have liked to see Travis's eyes and smile half an hour later, though, when the boy returned with his mother as they were leaving. The boy handed Travis a note reading "Thank you for being so nice and paying for my custard. We need more people like you."


Travis Sattler, a man who doesn't just talk the custard talk, but walks the custard walk.

Inside the note was $100.

Travis, a full-time college student paying his own way, plans to put the money towards nursing school. Travis's employers are also very proud of him (and possibly the terrific press he's brought to Freddy's). The corporate office in Kansas is planning on giving Travis another $100, and Padden Nelson, the owner of the Katy, TX franchise said "Travis's face is probably a face that boy will remember for a long time."

Thanks, Travis. I realize this story was about an ice-cold custard, but it warmed our hearts like a broiling steakburger.

Sports

A fire extinguisher factory just burned down in a massive fire.

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If only Alanis Morissette was there to sing about it.


Turns out fire extinguishers only help if you use them. (Image via the Chicago Tribune)

Well, a Chicago building that houses a fire extinguisher manufacturer burned down last night. The three alarm fire burned for approximately three hours, and firefighters cited a lack of sufficient water and the presence of hazardous chemicals on the scene as the reasons it took so long to contain. They did not cite the fact that some cosmic power probably got stoned, found this idea hilarious, and started the blaze.

The blaze took 156 firefighters to contain, and thankfully, there were no injuries. You can see a video of the fire on the Chicago Tribune's site.

Driver who ran over three teenagers was taking video of her son in the backseat.

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It's time to put down the phone while driving. I'm telling myself, too.

That can't help your premiums.(via KATU)

This hasn't been a great week for stories about moms behind the wheel. Don't let it affect your opinion of them in general. The vast majority of moms are terrific drivers, and always act responsibly when driving a vehicle. This lady, on the other hand, is a fucking nightmare.

23-year-old Elizabeth Dove was driving with her young son in the backseat when she plowed into three teenagers in a crosswalk. Someone driving next to her told police that shortly beforehand, he had stopped to let the teens pass, as did several other drivers, but then he noticed her Kia continuing towards them at close to 40 mph. He honked at her, but it was too late. The truly outrageous part came when police checked Dove's cell phone.

On the phone, they found a 19-second-long video of her son. The video was taken from the driver's seat, but pointed into the backseat of the car. They were able to determine that the video ended 1.4 seconds before the accident. What's more, for the duration of the video, Dove was using one hand to operate the phone and gesticulating with the other, meaning that she had no hands on the wheel when the accident occurred.

From her phone, police also discovered that in the ten minutes before the crash, Dove had been talking on the phone for seven minutes, had sent five text messages, and received one. All with a kid in the backseat. The teenagers were hospitalized with bruises and broken bones, but have recovered.

Many of us have been guilty of distracted driving in the past, myself included. It's so easy to rationalize, but once you check your phone for a second, it becomes a slippery slope. Pretty soon, driving is the distraction while you do your taxes, eat lunch, and learn to knit, all while barreling down the highway. Elizabeth Dove isn't a monster; she just didn't think about the consequences of her actions. But we can all learn from it.

And that's my soapbox moment of the day!

This super-cute, super-smart dog just invented her own waterbed.

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I don't know if I want this dog, or if I want to be her.

Brylie here is basically Dog MacGyver. Here's a snippet:

Someone: "Brylie! We need ultimate relaxation, stat!"
Brylie: "OK. Get me a baby pool, an in-ground pool, and a teddy bear."
Someone: "But, Brylie, I don't under…"
Brylie: "Damn it man, there's no time! Do as I say!"
SMASH CUT TO: the most adorable dog nap you've ever seen.
THE END.

I have a full 45-page pilot script, if anyone's interested. The ratings would be huge.

Article 9

Suge Knight collapses in court after being compared to 'Empire' and handed $25 million bail.

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I hope this trial gets picked up for multiple seasons, because it's awesome (NSFW language).

Death Row Records founder and gigantic scary person Suge Knight fainted in court today when, after hearing an amazing argument (above) about whether or not Knight is like Lucious Lyon from the hit Fox show Empire, the judge in his case set his bail at $25 million dollars. If you haven't been following this case, please start. It's great. It's like The Jinx but with a more sympathetic protagonist.

The rap mogul is on trial for two counts of hit-and-run, as well as murder and attempted murder after running over two men—Terry Carter, 55, and Cle "Bone" Sloan, 51—in a restaurant parking lot, killing Carter. Apparently, Knight and the men got into an altercation concerning an ad for the film Straight Outta Compton, which focused on the rise of NWA and the Los Angeles rap scene, including Suge.

Since the mid-90s, pop culture has assumed that Suge Knight was definitely a murderer walking among us. Pop culture, fortunately, is not admissible in court. Unfortunately for Knight, he does have a non-pop-culture-based rap sheet a mile long, involving multiple cases of violent intimidation of witnesses, which was the main reason given for assigning him such an astronomical bail.

The arguments in favor of Knight rest on the fact that the night in question may well have involved an attack on Knight, in which case he'd be perfectly justified in fleeing to his car and getting the hell out of there even if it meant running over two of his assailants. Indeed, as Knight's lawyer repeatedly and profanely points out, the man who survived being run over by Knight told cops that he had "f**ked up" Knight, which seems to have been his intention.

Furthermore, Suge made an impressive Hail Mary pass by revealing he was legally blind in his left eye—a result of glaucoma resulting from diabetes resulting from being humongous—which prevented him from realizing the two were in the car's path as he tried to back away and make his exit.

So, yeah. This is awesome (except for the violence, which I totally disapprove of) and probably has an even better soundtrack than Empire.


Article 7

This farmer live-tweeted his sheep dog giving birth to puppies, so many tiny puppies.

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A cuteness overload in the most literal sense of the term.

James Rebanks, a sheep farmer in the Lake District region of England, live-tweeted the birth of his sheep dog Floss's pups, so we could all imagine what it's like to be a sheep farmer in England from the comfort of our urban high-rises.

From what I can tell, it's just tiny cute pups being born all the time.

First up, a very pregnant Floss has some words of wisdom for all the gals out there.

Then, the pups start to come!

The first little guy, and then a whole bunch more.

An appropriate use of the word "bitch"...

The most important sheep dog puppy Vine of all time:

And hours later, the final tally:

An appropriate use of the word "epic"...

Rebanks' kids obviously did not want to go to school the next day.

I would never leave the house again. Rebanks has the right attitude:

See more photos of the pups at Rebanks's Twitter account.

Catch up on 'Game of Thrones' in the time it takes to sing the 'Saved By The Bell' theme.

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Does this mean that Mr. Belding is Tywin Lannister?

We here are intensely proud of our "If Game of Thrones took place entirely on Facebook" recaps for every episode of seasons 3 and 4, so it takes a lot to make us jealous—but this Saved by the Bell mashup/recap of season 4 did the trick. If only the real Saved by the Bell had been more like Game of Thrones, they probably would have had a more satisfying final few seasons. Going to Hawaii and college would have had a lot higher stakes if they were actually conquering them, and The New Class would have had to murder the old cast to take their places.

Netflix, if you're reading this, I think you might have your next Kimmy Schmidt on your hands.

The new J Lo video looks like it was created by Rebecca Black.

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It's space day, space day, gotta get down on space day.

J-Lo's new song "Feel the Light," written for the Home* soundtrack, doesn't necessarily sound like Rebecca Black. But hoo-boy, does the video ever look like a green screen job straight out of the Ark Music Factory (if you're not familiar, that's the company that wrote "Friday" and recorded the video for Black). While I was watching this, I kept expecting Patrice Wilson to show up and lay down some of his signature tepid rhymes. (You might remember from Black's song: "Fast lanes, switchin' lanes / Wit' a car up on my side / Woo!")

Before you try to chide me, I know — this is song for a children's movie. The music video is going to look a little silly. But the J Lo visuals are cheesy, and the film clips feel tonally incorrect for the song. Also, I'm not one to shy away from nudity, but if this video looks so silly because it's for kids, why is Lopez wearing a skintight bodysuit that has a see-through cleavage panel?

Anyway, if you would like to feel extra baffled, skip ahead to 2:44 when she dances with an entire CGI crew.

* I like to imagine that it's actually the soundtrack to the X-Files episode "Home," which centered around an inbred group of brothers that kept their mother under a bed.

A complete list of what's coming and going from Netflix in April.

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April showers bring some movie called 'Flower Girl,' plus a bunch of stuff you actually want to see.

There's a lot to be happy about and a lot to be bummed about in the coming month. On the one hand, we'll see flowers and buds on the trees, but on the other hand, no more winging snowballs at the back of your neighbor's head and then ducking behind the bushes.

Also on the plus side for April: Netflix subscribers are gaining Marvel's much-anticipated Daredevil series and the absolutely fantastic horror film The Babadook. However, everything good comes with something not so good, and it's my sad duty to inform you that you're also getting Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood as well as the final season of Sons of Anarchy. I'm very sorry.

Arrivals

April 1
And Now... Ladies and Gentlemen..
Bandolero
Barnyard
Bound
Buffalo Soldiers
Down to Earth
Leprechaun 3
The Beautician and the Beast
The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course
Leprechaun 4: In Space
Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood
Suicide Kings
Sunset Strip
Underworld
Whiteboyz
Wrong Turn at Tahoe

April 2
Life Partners
Sinbad: The Fifth Voyage

April 3
All Hail King Julien, Season 1 (5 New Episodes)
Derek: Special
Starry Eyes
The Quiet Ones

April 7
Preservation
Wilfred
, Season 4

April 8
Halt and Catch Fire, Season 1

April 9
Pioneer

April 10
Broken
Burning Bridges
Confusion Na Wa
Finding Mercy
Finding Mercy 2
Flower Girl
Forgetting June
Knocking on Heaven's Door
Lagos Cougars
Lies Men Tell
Mad Couple
Marvel's Daredevil, Season 1
Mad Couple 2
Matters Arising
October 1
Onye Ozi
The Awakening
Ties That Bind

April 12
The Identical

April 13
Video Game High School, Season 3

April 14
The Babadook
Goodbye to Language
Kink

April 16
Hot Fuzz

April 17
Baby Daddy, Season 4
Chris D'Elia: Incorrigible
They Came Together

April 18
Noah

April 21
A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

April 25
Sons of Anarchy, Season 7

April 26
The Nutty Professor 2: Facing the Fear

April 27
National Treasure

Departures

April 1
28 Hotel Rooms
Annie
Astonishing X­-Men: Dangerous
Astonishing X­-Men: Torn
Astonishing X­-Men: Unstoppable
Baby Genius: A Trip to the San Diego Zoo
Baby Genius: Animal Adventures
Chalet Girl
Clue
Color Splash Collection: Collection 1
Coneheads
Friday the 13th
Friday the 13th: Part 2
Friday the 13th: Part 3
Friday the 13th: Part 4: The Final Chapter
Friday the 13th: Part 6: Jason Lives
Friday the 13th: Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Get Shorty
Good Morning, Vietnam
Guess Who
Inventing the Abbotts
Jane Eyre
Jeepers Creepers
Jeepers Creepers 2
Les Miserables
Madeline
Miral
Murder by Numbers
Mystic Pizza
Mystic River
Pee­wee's Big Adventure
Philadelphia
Reindeer Games
Sense and Sensibility
Shadow of the Vampire
Taking Lives
The Amityville Horror
The Cable Guy
The Karate Kid
The Karate Kid: Part II
The Karate Kid: Part III
The Quick and the Dead
The Whole Nine Yards

April 10
Sleeping Beauty

April 12
Paranormal Activity 4: Unrated Edition

April 16
The Woman Who Wasn't There

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