"The good news is there's no program named the Dick Pic Program. The bad news is they are still collecting everybody's information, including your dick pics."
I've cued this video up to the relevant portion (after all, I lured you here with a promise of dick-pic discussion), but HBO apparently decided this episode of Last Week Tonight was important enough to upload the entire 33-minute episode on YouTube. I highly recommend watching the whole thing; it will depress you about our government, but you'll barely even notice because you'll be laughing so hard!
In case you haven't heard, the NSA passes around naked pictures of the people they're spying on. "Yeah, you say, but surely they're only handling the goodies of bad people, right?" Well...no. No, it's everyone. They may not look at everyone, but everyone's dicks (and other things) are there. I will say, though, this also contained maybe the most inspiring thing I've ever heard Snowden say: don't stop taking pictures of your dick, because you can't let government restrict your freedom.
Here's the full episode, which you should definitely watch if you have time.
For example, we spied on UNICEF, the UN children's charity that kids everywhere collect coins for on Halloween! The hilarious part? Nobody cares! Lololololol help me.
"Why isn't there a version of 'Game of Thrones' that's suitable for my three-year-old?" - some parent somewhere, probably.
Okay, imagine Game of Thrones, but instead of it having a bunch of naked people cutting off each other's heads and genitals while dragons fly around, charbroiling villagers, and demon-creatures shriek through the night sky, it has some happy muppets playing a friendly game of musical chairs. If that sounds like something that you'd be into, this "Game of Chairs" parody video from Sesame Street was made just for you!
How great is this guy? He plays ping-pong better than most humans, is thrilled to be in the game, and displays exemplary sportsmanship. This canine wins points for being adorable and for being super talented. He's also smart enough to know he'd get an advantage by standing on the table, yet gladly complies when he's told to get down. I feel like he'd also be great at flip cup.
There's an interactive museum where you can get inside the paintings.
Do you think famous paintings would look better if you were in them? Have you ever been escorted by security for getting too close to the Mona Lisa? Are you either a kid or an adult with a childlike sense of whimsy? Then this museum is for you. If you happen to be in Manila in the Philippines, stop by Art In Island, boasting over 100 interactive 3D paintings. It looks like so much fun, I bet it's totally worth the trek in and out of the art.
Finally, a museum has boldly combined famous paintings with the fine art of selfie portraiture.
Planning for holidays can be stressful. Not National Beer Day. Allow us to introduce the one day of the year when your biggest concern should be how to treat yourself, and maybe some friends, to a beer. If that mission doesn't sound simple enough, here are a few useful beer hacks to ensure you make the most of the holiday.
Chilling Hot Beer in Minutes:
You found your favorite beer at the store, but it hasn't been chilled yet. Stay calm and let science do the work. All you need is a bucket, some ice, some tap water and lots of salt. Stir these together to create a nice and icy beer bath. The key ingredient, salt, lowers the water's freezing point to get your beer cold in a jiffy.
You finally get your hands on a cold one, but there's no bottle opener in sight. Classic. Luckily, you can open a beer bottle with a spoon, keys or pretty much anything else that can act as a lever in your grip. See below for how it's done.
Here's a trick for when you have access to a tap. With a little technique, your friends will swear you work at a bar. Begin by holding the glass at a 45 degree angle and let the beer hit the side of the glass. Then, as the beer nears the top third of the glass, straighten it upright and finish your pour in the center to create a nice ½ to one full inch collar of foam.
At last – the beer is in the glass. But do you know which ways to enjoy it best? It's important to engage a couple of other senses before taking a sip: the beer's appearance and its aroma. Observing how light or dark the beer is, its clarity, or the amount of bubbles and foaminess it has are helpful clues to judge its flavor profile. Since smell is so closely linked to taste, it's also important to inhale the bouquet of the beer, which is just a fancy term for the collection of different ingredient aromas.
5. Jeb Bush, because it turns out he described himself as Hispanic on a voter registration form.
Hola.(Getty)
Jeb Bush is well-known as a lover of Hispanic culture. He speaks fluent Spanish and lived in Venezuela for two years. His wife, Columba, was born in Mexico. Univision even described him as a "Hispanic candidate." But none of that makes him a Hispanic person. At all. He's as white as they come, which is why it came as such a surprise when The New York Times dug up his Florida voter registration form from 2009 and found that he had checked the box for Hispanic. Come on, Jeb. If America won't really even let Ted Cruz get away with that, did you think you'd get a pass?
Bush responded, but only after his son called him out on Twitter:
My mistake! Don't think I've fooled anyone! RT @JebBushJr LOL - come on dad, think you checked the wrong box #HonoraryLatino — Jeb Bush (@JebBush)
April 6, 2015
Come to think of it, one person might have been fooled.
Does this mean I'm a Hispaniard too?(Getty)
4. Kylie Jenner, because people are accusing her of doing her latest photoshoot in blackface.
Between the Jeb story, this one, and Mindy Kaling's brother, this is a big day for people pretending to be a different race. This time, it's Kylie Jenner who's being lambasted for racial insensitivity because of this photo shoot. Critics have compared her elaborate makeup to blackface.
This might be a stretch. Isn't it more like silverface? I could understand robots or award statues being mad, but not people.
Jenner's makeup is offensive to all victims of Bond villains.(via bond-girls.net)
But now even Jenner's boyfriend, 25-year-old rapper Tyga, is upset. A source told Hollywood Life, "Tyga knows her heart and knows she meant no harm by posting that beautiful picture of herself." However, another source said, "Tyga feels like Kylie has crossed the line with this new shoot, and really and truly shown her age. If she was older, wiser and more mature she would never have done something that could be interpreted in a racist way."
First of all, that's not true. Jeb Bush was 56 in 2009. Nobody is so old and wise that they won't do something that can be interpreted in a racist way. Nobody's immune to that.
Second, who are these sources? I want sources to anonymously describe what I'm feeling to the media. If anyone in interested, get in touch.
3. Fans of 'Twin Peaks,' because David Lynch has left the reboot.
This teaser made big waves when it dropped last October. After 25 years, David Lynch's cult classic series Twin Peaks was going to be revived, and stars Kyle MacLachlan, Sherilyn Fenn and Dana Ashbrook were all on board to reprise their roles. For die-hard Twin Peaks fans, the news must have felt like drinking their first damn fine cup of coffee since 1991.
But now, it looks like those fans may have to switch back to decaf. David Lynch has dropped out over money issues, and now the project may be as dead as Laura Palmer (spoiler alert) (not really, that's the first thing that happens in the show). If Lynch is out, I'm not sure who would even want this show to happen. Plus, maybe now Lynch can invest himself in a Blue Velvet remake. There would be no shortage of money if they got a corporate tie-in from Pabst.
2. Three thieves who tried to steal honey from a domesticated bee hive and got stung.
Did these people learn nothing from Winnie the Pooh? Yes, honey is delicious. You can put it on toast, you can put it in yogurt, you can put it in a jar big enough to get your head stuck in that says "HUNNY" on it… but if you're a human with money and pants, you should buy it from a store. In the wild, it's guarded by swarms of insects that can sting you. Entomologists know them as "bees."
So you have to wonder why these three men in Florida decided to climb a tree and scrape honey off an active hive. No doubt it would have been fresh and delicious, but old honey isn't even a problem. It's actually the only food that can't spoil (fun fact). And you have to imagine these guys regretted their decision once they were admitted to the hospital with more than 50 stings each.
Experts estimate that the hive they raided contains as many as 30,000 bees. That means these three stooges were outnumbered 10,000 to 1. They're lucky they survived. And hopefully, next time they think about messing with bees, they'll remember the lesson of Homer Simpson's sugar pile.
1. DMX, because he's being investigated for armed robbery.
He's crossing his fingers that he doesn't go to jail.(Getty)
Gangsta rap legend DMX performed at the New Jersey Performing Arts Center in beautiful Newark, NJ on Saturday night. But DMX is too hardcore to leave that persona on the stage. He lives it 24/7. That's why, when he and his entourage stopped for gas in Newark the next day (Easter Sunday), X decided to make his weekend just a little more profitable.
While he was chatting with the gas station owner, a member of the rapper's entourage suddenly pulled out his gun and demanded all of the owner's money, which totaled $3,200. DMX himself snatched the money out of the man's hand, and then his whole crew drove off in four Cadillac Escalades. The poor small business owner followed and copied down X's plate number, which he gave to police along with a full report of the incident.
Now the case is under investigation. This isn't DMX's first run-in with the law. He's been arrested many times on charges including drug and weapons possession, animal cruelty, driving without a license, and carjacking. This would be his first armed robbery rap, however. Maybe he's just concerned that his career is flagging, and he has to diversify into new crimes to appear fresh? If that's so, I'd recommend littering.
UK health organization Benenden made this video to show how exercise has changed in the last century.
Fitness sure has come a long way in the past 100 years. We've made enormous strides since the simple stretches of the 1910s, and today, people are more out of shape than ever. I guess it's time to go back to those simple stretches. After all, they've helped this lady not age in 100 years.
This man, known only as Mr. Yuan, is apparently much better at lying to women than he is at driving.
(via Changsha TV)
A man whom Chinese press identifies only as "Mr. Yuan" (very restrained on their part) was involved in a car crash on March 24. That crash has probably been the highlight of the past two weeks since then, because the aftermath revealed his double-timing habits, and by "double-timing," I mean "seventeen-timing."
That's how many girlfriends, all unknown to each other, showed up to the hospital when they heard the news. This came as a big surprise to the women, most of whom had been dating him for months, some for years. One of them has a son with Mr. Yuan, and another (who said she thought he was her "Mr. Right") had begun planning their wedding. It also came as a shock to hospital staff.
(via Changsha TV)
Said one of the women, Xiao Li, who had been dating Yuan for 18 months, after she heard he was in an accident "I cried so hard I didn't have any tears left... But when I started seeing more and more beautiful girls show up, I couldn't cry any more." And the mother of his child, Wang Fang, said "We've already had a son together. What can I do now? I don't love him any more, but I do love my son."
Mr. Bucks was also taking their money.
(via Changsha TV)
Not that they don't have reasons to cry. Despite being named Mr. Yuan (a yuan is a unit of the Chinese renminbi currency), he was also bilking many of these women for money. In addition to his current girlfriends, from whom he solicited cash gifts and the use of their cars, he had also taken roughly $32,477 from his ex-wife, according to China's CCTV.
Like all Chinese news stories, this was heavily discussed on social media platforms like Weibo and local provincial forums. Obviously, most people hate the guy (and a lot randomly pile on the women for not realizing the "always busy" Yuan was fooling them), but a surprising number also praised his multi-tasking abilities. Those skills will now be tested as he'll have to balance his recovery with avoiding murderous exes and a fraud investigation from police.
Vin Diesel posted a tribute to the late Paul Walker.
If you haven't cried yet today, look no further than the music video for "See You Again" from "Furious 7." Charlie Puth's angelic, soaring vocals paired with Wiz Khalifa's clear, thoughtful rhymes narrate a touching story through moments from the Fast and Furious films.
In case you didn't know, Paul Walker, the actor portraying the films' protagonist, died in a car crash in November 30, 2013. The final scenes of the film involved computer-generated images of Walker saying goodbye to Vin Diesel (the two were friends in the film and in real life) before Walker's white car splits off on a different road. Considering that the previous feature-length film was an explosion-packed action fest, audiences were surprised to find themselves bawling in their seats at this movie tribute to a real life, and a real friendship.
It's sad and beautiful and will make you feel human.
Seth Meyers has Jon Snow over for a small get-together and it is AWKWARD.
Poor Jon Snow. He's been living on the Wall for too long. In this Late Night with Seth Meyers sketch, we can see some of the effects that can have on a man's ability to make small talk. *To be fair, there are a lot of difficult subjects that come up at a dinner party if you're Jon Snow. Family? No. Love life? Nope. How about the weather? Uh, no, right, winter is coming.
Both he and Seth do CrossFit, that's cool, though one of them does is to fight giants and the other to look good on TV. Still, they're building bridges of understanding through high intensity interval training. Add a glass of red wine or two and soon everyone is playing charades. Winterfell!
We don't make choices once, we make them everyday.
"Where's this thing inserted?"
I'm not a mom. I'm probably never going to be. It's not that weird not to have kids, plenty of people choose not to. Some people don't get a choice. Neither group needs the reminders. Yet, as you get older, especially if you're a woman, the world starts to gently remind you about that passing opportunity. Then the world gets more persistent about how you'll be dried up and alone forever and always. Look, world, childless people don't need your grim prognostications! They're aware. While I feel pretty strongly that kids are not for me, I am always making up my mind. I'm always asking myself difficult questions about what it will mean, for me. And still....NOPE. Here are 8 times I almost changed my mind about not having kids, but then totally didn't.
1. The time my best friend had a baby.
Yum, cake.
I've known my best friend since we were four-years-old. She's always wanted to have kids and I've always said, "Hard pass." Still, when that little nugget came out of her and started doing more than squalling or sleeping, I did entertain the fantasy of the two of us raising little girls together. Enrolling them in the same school. Watching them grow old and experience the love and camaraderie I've shared with my best friend all these years. Nothing makes for life-long friendships better than your moms forcing you to be nice! But having a matching accessory kid for her little girl is the wrong reason to grow a person inside me. I'll have to settle for being the eccentric auntie.
2. The time my other best friend decided she was gonna try for a baby.
"The baby can sleep in that basket behind us."
Very cool, everyone I know is having a baby. I should probably do it too, then. The idea that all my friends will one day be wrapped up in childcare while I sit on the sidelines eating sushi and soft cheese is an isolating one. Some of them won't judge my choices, but others I know are judging HARD, at times without even realizing it. This friend told me about her decision and added, "It'll be a relief to not be so selfish for awhile." Look, I get it. Once you're a mom, your needs go on the back-burner and that's an enormous sacrifice. But there's nothing inherently selfless about deciding to make more people until we're living in a Children of Men post-apocalypse scenario. Deciding to be a singular person trying to do good, or not horrible evil, also has merit.
3. The time my grandparents passed away.
NOM NOM NOM.
Dying! We all do it eventually and the story goes that if you have kids someone will be by your side. This is probably the most compelling reason to have children on a practical level, for me. My mother's parents were always very independent, even into their nineties. Then Hurricane Sandy destroyed their house and the routines that had been carrying them along disintegrated. Within a year-and-a-half, both passed away, cared for by their daughters in as much comfort as possible. AND IT WAS STILL TERRIBLE. I am scared to die alone someday, but in your final moments you have to leave and the people you love have to stay. Making my kid bear witness doesn't change that.
4. The times I celebrate holidays.
"Gotta go, mom looks pissed."
Passing down the traditions that make holidays feel warm and fuzzy would be a great reason to have a baby. Let's face it, Christmas is for kids. I know nothing under that tree is going to measure up to my delirious expectations, but children still have Santa-fueled hope. They make rampant consumerism fun again, because we can see it through their unjaded eyes. But, my dear imaginary child, there's still 364 days of the year where I'd have to be training you in the less fun traditions of brushing your teeth and using the toilet.
5. The time I fell in love.
Seasonal allergy symptoms include kissing my sweetie.
I've been in love more than once, lucky me, and occasionally while I'm in the grips of that love I want some eternal signifier of our commitment and connection. A little bit of them and a little bit of me. Caring for our child would be my greatest love letter, a testament to my devotion. Then I realize I'm fantasizing about using a child as a prop, when actually it'll be an autonomous human being. Romantic love comes and goes, but you owe it to your kid to think about the situation you're putting it in forever. The last person I wanted to put a baby in me is not actually a person I'd trust with a soft-skulled infant.
6. The times when I'm watching viral videos of cute-a** kids.
Ow, my ovaries.
Kids are so damn cute! They're squishy little people who giggle and smile at stuff we take for granted. Some of them are great dancers. I almost thought about having a baby just so I could watch it taste lemon for the first time. Obviously, that's an insane reason to bring a human being into the world, so I content myself with all the great viral videos the Internet keeps churning out. You also don't have to deal with all the less cute poop stuff that happens off-camera.
7. The times when I teach.
"All right, kids, teach is gonna get a cocktail. Peace."
I may not want to have kids, but I've taught children of all ages for almost ten years, in public schools, as a tutor, and as a babysitter. So I've had plenty of chances to enjoy them at their best and suffer through some of their worst. When you really connect with a child, sharing something new about the world with them, it can be one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. Teaching also makes you realize that there are a lot of ways to contribute to a young person's life without being their parent. Plus, you can go home at the end of the day and drink wine all night if you want to.
8. The times when I'm super into myself.
Damn, gurl.
Like most people, my sense of self-worth fluctuates. Most of the time I'm pretty cool with who I am. Sometimes not. Sometimes I think I'm the greatest and I want to have some part of myself floating through the world forever. I love my parents and think they're pretty great, too. It feels like my job to keep paying that genetic code forward. But two of the most important members of my family aren't related to me by blood at all. My step-grandparents have taught me so much about compassion, acceptance and support and the closest we are to being related is the country of Italy spewing our immigrant ancestors onto American shores.
Families are made in all kinds of ways. If someone isn't choosing to make a family your way, stop reminding them that the clock is ticking. They're just in a different time zone.
I mean, if you are a teenage boy who is going to sob hysterically on television, this is the best possible outcome to that embarrassment. 12-year-old Donny got on stage in Belfast and you can see him experience the full range of human emotions in a 60 second video clip. He never dreamed he'd meet his beloved Nicki and he transcends us all when he gets to lay his head on her beautiful ta-tas. Minaj might be famous for her butt, BUT the lady is well balanced, if you know what I mean.
Even though the scamp gets in an eyebrow waggle to the crowd, Minaj ain't mad at him. She wrote on Instagram:
Look at how he stopped crying wen he laid his head on dem thangz. They have real power beaming out of them that can cure the sick.
The E! network (makers of the self-proclaimed hit show 'Botched') aired the 124th episode of their series about the most hated flourishing family since that French brood that landed themselves in the guillotines.
This week, Kim plays the tough love card with Rob and does not want to let him eat cake.
We read your comments about these recaps and we have some comments on your comments. Instead of your oft-repeated and thumbs-upped "Stop making stupid people famous!" remarks, you should be writing, “Stop making people who know how stupid we all are famous!” We are all animals, and the executive producers of this show, which now include Khloé, Kim, Kourtney, and Kris, (4/7ths of Khloé's Instagrammed shirt), are well aware of this. If you want to educate yourself on why we can't escape this particular fasscination, watch the alternatingly annoying/brilliant Russell Brand's breakdown of Kim's 'Break the Internet' shoot.
Thanks to freedom of speech, you may continue to write the same comments, but this is just a reminder that—like the title of this week's episode, "No Retreat"—there is no retreat from the Kardashians, because they've hacked us all with our love of cash, sexy work retreats, supermodels, and more things we can never keep up with.
1. Your deadbeat fat brother gets pizza delivered to him, not cash.
2. Your coworker's sexual harassment doesn't come in the form of having a too-perfect ass.
3. Your pony-tailed ex-stepfather seeking to be involved with your business retreat isn't an Olympic gold medalist.
4. You can't casually throw “OJ might be my dad” paternity rumors in your momager's face.
5. When you think of 'The Sound of Music,' you are filled with fond memories of watching it with your sister, not your sister being in it.
A shelter dog who went 5 years without being adopted finally found a home after his picture went viral on social media.
The face that launched 20,000 shares.(via Facebook)
This story will warm your heart unless you hate dogs. If you do hate dogs, I don't know why you're reading it in the first place.
Chester is a six-year-old pit bull from Long Island, New York. He was a stray when he was picked up, and then went on to spend five years in different shelters. Most recently, he was staying at the Southold Animal Shelter when the staff started despairing of him ever finding a home. That's when they started a Facebook page for him, called Chester Waiting for five years, and posted this heart-wrenching photo. As of this writing, that photo has more than 2,800 likes, and more than 20,000 shares. That's the power of dogs on the Internet.
Considering all this attention, it's no surprise that people came forward to adopt Chester. The shelter was inundated with calls and more than 300 emails from around the country, and as far away as Australia. One family who inquired was the Dors, from Lake Ronkonkoma. They visited the shelter, and from the moment they saw Chester, knew they couldn't leave without him. Here's what that moment looked like:
After the success they had with Chester, the North Fork Animal Welfare League is trying to recreate it with their other animals, posting lots of pictures on their Facebook page. Check it out if you live in the greater New York City area and are looking for a pet. Don't forget that for every Chester, there are many pets languishing in shelters who may never be adopted. Not all of them have five years to wait, either. Today is your chance to make a critter as happy as Chester is in his new home.
There's been a lot of backlash against Indiana for instituting their "religious freedom" law, which gives people the freedom to treat gay people like sh*t in their establishments. One VERY brave pizzeria came forward saying that while they'd serve a gay person individually, they'd never cater a gay wedding because it is against their conservative Christian values.
While much of the Internet was like, "What self-respecting gay couple would order from your stank pizza place for their wedding?" another part of the Internet decided to make these hateful dough-slingers into the poor beleaguered representatives of persecuted homophobes. Their GoFundMe page has raised almost a million dollars.
Depressing.
Thankfully, we still have people with popular public faces drawing attention to the hideousness of the whole situation and this one is particularly funny. Sometimes when things are this awful, all you can do is laugh.
Anne Hathaway kicked ass performing "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus on 'Lip Sync Battle.'
If you haven't already heard of Lip Sync Battle, the most well-teased new show in the history of television, it's a program hosted by LL Cool J that pits celebrities against each other in a battle of the most important art form: lip syncing.
Yeah, you know how you've been watching these Lip Sync Battle videos for months now? The show premiered on Thursday.
In this week's episode, Anne Hathaway faces off against Emily Blunt, and flips her the bird.
She has really come a long way since Princess Diaries.
If you actually want to see the show (though why you wouldn't just wait for the viral videos is beyond us), it's on Thursdays at 10/9 Central on Spike.
Of course, in the media, a week is a lifetime, and since then, it seems like everyone has given their opinion on the story. The only person who hasn't is Jon Stewart, who was on vacation last week. Last night, The Daily Show came back, and Stewart finally had a chance to address the issue, saying:
"Trevor Noah will earn your trust and respect… or not. Just as I earned your trust and respect… or did not."
Lest it seem like he wasn't in support of Noah, Stewart had this to add:
"The only thing I would say is I do hope you give him an opportunity to earn that trust and respect, because my experience with him is that he is an incredibly thoughtful and considerate and funny and smart individual. And man, I think you give him that time, and it's going to be well worth it."
Well said, Jon. Let's hope the world decides to give Noah another chance, and let's hope that he learns which tweets to save in his drafts folder.
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Welcome home, buddy. (via 
