"I don't believe in microwaves. My son used one, and now he's gay."

Okay, so maybe you're one of those people who are suspicious of Big Pharma and the so-called "medicines" they're always trying to force into our bodies. You probably read a really interesting blog post that got you thinking about the correlations between all the unnecessary government injections we give our kids and the rising rates of autism. But every time you voice these concerns to friends and family, they look at you askance and turn away, shaking their heads. Why?! Why are they so resistant to your wise considerations?

This video from Girl Pants Productions might clear that up a bit. Though, do be careful. I hear that numerous chemicals were utilized in its creation.

Related: This is what homophobic statements sound like to people who aren't idiots.

Whether it's National Beer Day, a night out with the crew or the quintessential wedding reception, here are some toasts to live (and drink) by:

1. The “I've drank in more countries than you" toast.

2. The “Go-to" toast, or the “Put on the spot" toast.

3. The “When in doubt, rap" toast.

4. The “This must be a Hollywood production" toast.

5. The “You're getting old" birthday toast.

Have a toast that always brings down the house? Share yours with @LetsGrabABeer on Twitter.

©2015 Anheuser-Busch, St. Louis, MO
Please share with friends 21 and over

After three years, Celoron, NY's "We love Lucy! Get Rid of this Statue" Facebook group is finally getting somewhere.

10% Lucille Ball, 90% nightmare about someone poisoning you.
(via We love Lucy! Get Rid of this Statue on Facebook)

Lucille Ball's hometown of Celoron, NY has a problem — a garish, life-size bronze of Lucy that sits in the town's Lucille Ball Memorial Park like some land-bound gargoyle. Residents and town officials alike have considered the piece an issue since it was installed in 2009, because Lucille Ball apparently didn't look like a murder-eyed version of the Coney Island logo when she was alive. But fixing the statue has been at a standstill, because according to city officials, sculptor Dave Poulin was asking for $8,000 to $10,000 to update it.

What the original queen of comedy actually looked like: not Satan. (via Getty Images)

Recently, however, the three-year-old, semi-dormant We love Lucy! Get Rid of this Statue Facebook group has been gaining popularity and press, promoting Poulin to release a letter of apology, saying that:

From the day of its installation, I have shared my disappointment in the final outcome and have always believed it to be by far my most unsettling sculpture, not befitting of Lucy's beauty or my ability as a sculptor. Yes, in retrospect, it should have never been cast in bronze and made public, and I take complete ownership of that poor decision.

Poulin has now offered to fix the sculpture with his own money, but Celoron mayor Scott Schrecengost has said that the town will find a new sculptor to fix Lucy. In the meantime, people on Facebook have started posting their own solutions:

5¢ advice: Do not look into Lucy's eyes. (via Mark Blackwell on Facebook)

...as well as some more disturbing uses of the current face:

Someone please write an I Love Lucy-inspired horror film where Lucy is possessed.
(via Kendalyn Town on Facebook)

Poulin wasn't the only one surprised by the recent press. The person who started the Facebook group has been a little shocked as well, sharing a long post asking people to recognize that the initial creation of the Facebook group was "tongue in cheek." They also said in regards to Poulin's work that, "I have stated that he has created other works that are pretty good." Pretty good? That feels like what a parent says to their kid when they bring home an art project that was supposed to be a horse but looks like some sort of deconstructed house.

Personally, I hope that they just make a new Lucy statue so this version can be auctioned off to the highest bidder, because while this horrible thing shouldn't be a memorial to Lucille Ball, it should exist forever.

"Blabily blobbilly bapitty boopity." - this kid.

Let's be honest: this is the reason that people have kids. Sure, survival of the species and instinctual urges to nurture play a part in it. But the real reason we put ourselves through this ordeal—surrendering our social lives, waking up at 3 am for months on end, spend half our paychecks on clothes that won't fit two months from now—is so that we can have a little human being to treat like a toy.

"Oh, look! I dressed him up like a leprechaun!"

"Hey, come here! Watch what she does when I drop this towel on her head."

"Let's make him ride the dog like a horse!"

It's alright. This is why our parents had us, and why their parents had them. I mean, you don't think we'd purposefully do something as dumb as becoming parents if there weren't something in it for us, do you?

All the free time has made her a little crazy:

(video via teamcoco.com)

At first, everything seemed cool. Aubrey Plaza said she was "working" and gave an all-around vibe that the end of Parks and Recreation had been good for her. Then, she started seeing "the bites." Most people would see a doctor, but Ms. Plaza put Conan's worries to rest after telling him that she probably did it to herself since she's also been giving herself arms-hickeys. Whew! To further put everyone at ease, she said she also is spending a lot of time with herself singing what we can safely call: "The Murder Song."

Get some rest, Aubrey!

Sketch group Megasteakman made this impressive intro for 'Game of Hyrule.'

Even if you're not a fan of Game of Thrones or Legend of Zelda, you have to admit this is very well-done. The music is a perfect mashup of the two themes, the CGI looks just like the show's intro, and also I feel like a little kid watching it. This almost makes me wish wish Netflix hadn't nixed its live action Zelda series.

Just kidding, that would have been awful.

Artist Johannes Stötter creates animals, landscapes and more by covering people in elaborate body paint.

You see that lizard? It's not a chameleon. It's two women painted to look like a chameleon by artist Johannes Stötter. One of the world's top bodypainters, Stötter has won several championships for his work, which also includes camouflaging people as trees, rocks, and fruit, among other things.

Here's another one of his videos, where five people are used to create a frog:

The bio on Stötter's website notes that "As a fully autodidactic artist Johannes developed his painting style and his bodypainting technique without any relation to other bodypainting artists and their work." It also says that he "joined the international bodypainting community in 2009," because of course there's an international bodypainting community.

You can see still images of more of Stötter's work on his site.

Vacationer John Bailey saw a bobcat catch a shark because sometimes Florida is awesome.

Pack it up and go home, other animals; nothing is more badass than this.
(via John Bailey/WESH)

Hey, you know what's cool? Big cats. You know what else is cool? Sharks. So by my math, the coolest thing that could happen is a big cat pulling a shark out of the motherf'ing ocean. In Vero Beach, Florida this week, not only did that happen, but vacationer/luckiest man alive John Bailey managed to snap a photo.

Some have wondered if the image is a fake, because we're all jaded enough to assume that if something is awesome, it's probably not real. But according to Florida news station WESH, fish and wildlife officials "said that this is normal behavior for a predatory cat."

If the Discovery Channel hasn't already bought the rights to Bailey's story and photo in order to make a TV movie for Shark Week, somebody at that network should be fired. Also, Discovery, I'd like to offer myself as a screenwriter for the film. It'll be the tale of a bobcat and shark that were once unlikely childhood friends, but lost touch... only to be unexpectedly reunited when one tries to eat the other. I call it Guess Who's Getting Caught for Dinner. It's a guaranteed hit!*

* Guaranteed hit not guaranteed.

At last, you'll be able to stream your cat-on-a-Roomba videos without watching that prim-and-proper toilet paper lady first.

Shhhh, toilet paper lady. It's OK. It will all end soon. (via YouTube)

Google is apparently trying to make YouTube level up and compete with big kid video streaming sites like Netflix. Not only has YouTube been producing more original content, but they're going to start offering an ad-free subscription service as well, possibly before the end of the year. Personally, I'm very excited about this, because ever since I looked up statistics on how many blimps exist last month, YouTube keeps serving me the same ad for Van Wagner Arial Advertising in front of almost every video I try to watch (although if anyone wants to help me raise money to hire a Van Wagner blimp printed with the words "I hate Van Wagner," I'd be into that).

Bloomberg obtained an email that Google sent to YouTube video creators announcing the upcoming addition. Google will be sharing revenues from subscriptions with video creators, but there's no news on how exactly that will work yet.

Bloomberg also notes that this is part of a larger Google-wide effort to "generate more income that isn't based on advertising." In fact, Google has already been working on a small test version of ad-free YouTube — Music Key Beta, which lets people listen to music on YouTube ad-free for $10 a month. Reviews of the service have ranged from "eh, this is fine" to positive. Google doesn't have an estimate yet on how much the ad-free YouTube service will cost.

If only all of our parents were this willing to help us write a Casual Encounters post.

You might remember Scott Rogowsky from his previous dating experiment, looking at Tinder with his parents. This time he's exploring the Craigslist personals with his folks, getting reminded by his mom that he's "had plenty of casual encounters," and seeing if she can figure out what a MILF is. Also, this video really makes me want to launch a dating site where all the profiles are written by people's parents.

This video is why I make my peace with the gods before I make coffee every morning.

"WhatIfThere's Bears" is the most harrowing and important home repair video ever made, and it is as terrifyingly relevant today as it was when it was made in 2007. Sadly, everyone involved has since been eaten by vengeful bears.

JK, not really. Ben Rodgers, Neil Casey, Molly Lloyd and writer/director Will Hines are still alive and hilarious.

I remember the exact moment I stopped reading fashion magazines.

I was 19 years old and had just finished paging through Vogue, and although I'd felt fine about myself earlier in the day, I now felt fat and ugly. The epiphany was sudden if not terribly genius: These magazines wanted me to feel awful about myself so I'd buy whatever their advertisers were shilling to fix the “problems" they'd convinced me I had.

And that was it – I was done. I haven't picked up a fashion magazine since.

I thought about that when I saw that France's parliament just passed a law making it illegal there for fashion houses and modeling agencies to hire super-skinny models—“super-skinny" in this instance meaning a BMI under 18. In real-world terms, that means a 5'9" girl (pretty standard runway model height) would have to weigh at least 122 pounds.

The measure comes hot on the stiletto'd heels of French lawmakers also banning pro-anorexia websites, and mandating that photos retouched to “alter the bodily appearance of a model for commercial purposes" carry a disclaimer saying so.

Stating the obvious: BMI is a bullshit way to determine whether someone is too thin (or, for that matter, too fat). Ten people of equal height who all weigh the same thing can look dramatically different from one another. Except in extreme circumstances, “too thin" is kind of like Potter Stewart's description of porn—I can't define it, but I know it when I see it.

I'm more intrigued by and supportive of that photo-retouching rule, because although bans on skinny models (Israel, Italy and Spain have them too) are designed to keep them from starving themselves, a secondary – and, to me, more important – goal is to lower the eating disorder rates in girls who inevitably compare themselves to those models.

Typical teenage girls don't see a lot of runway shows but they do see ads featuring models and celebrities every day, and those photos are always manipulated. Cheekbones are enhanced, boobs are enlarged, legs are lengthened, waistlines are narrowed – and that's just for starters.

To wit: Jessica Alba's curves are gorgeous, but a photo editor somewhere didn't think so.

(via Campari)

Even poor Katie Couric isn't immune. When she took over CBS Evening News in 2006, the publicity shot the network sent out was noticeably altered from the original (which appeared in a magazine).

(via CBS/Watch!)

Shouldn't advertisers be compelled to tell women (young and old) about that? Compelled to come clean about the fact that no amount of dieting or makeup will make us look like Beyoncé because hey, stunning as she is, even Beyoncé doesn't look like that?

Currently, the US doesn't have many “truth in advertising" rules for these types of things. Which brings us back to 19-year-old me. Would I have still have felt so fat and ugly if I'd known those models in Vogue were pieced together like so many high-glam monsters of Frankenstein? Eh, probably. Insecurity is part of the human experience, especially the human female one.

But girls are comparing themselves to things that aren't even human now. It's an impossible standard of beauty, and I think we as a society should tell them that every chance we get.

Fourth grader Sydney Smoot delivered this emphatic speech in front of her school board.

In the argument over standardized testing, one perspective that's often overlooked is that of the students themselves. Then again, not many high schoolers can express themselves as well as young Sydney Smoot here.

Ms. Smoot is an elementary school student from Hernando County, FL. In this clip, she is addressing the Hernando County School Board to protest her school's reliance on the Florida Standards Assessment, a test commissioned from a private company after Florida dropped the Common Core. Her argument against the FSA specifically make a lot of sense, but this speech could really be applied to any of the standardized tests that have completely taken over every policy decision in public schools across the US.

Let's hope more students like Sydney step up and make their voices heard. She's living proof that children aren't just our future, they're our present too.

Above Average interviews the neighbors upstairs about what they're doing at 4:30 AM that could possibly make that sound.

The best comedy sketches are the ones that tap into a universal truth. Who hasn't looked up at their ceiling and yelled, "What the hell are they doing up there?" As someone who currently lives under a person who, I assume, has to play high-pitched synthesizer beats every ten minutes or die, I can really relate to this video.

You can guess all you want, but these Foley artists won't be answering any of your questions. They love meeting fans, it's just that they need to maintain some mystique. And don't expect them to quiet down.

This photo went viral because of the caption's bait-and-switch.

Facebook user Nelson Felippe posted this photo taken on a subway platform. It seems like the focus of this photo is the two women in a loving embrace, and it's easy to read Nelson's caption as that of a man who hates to see women being sexual with each other:

I'm not prejudiced. I think people should do whatever they want to with their lives. But I think it's absurd that I should be forced to witness a scene like this.
What people do in private is their business only, but yes, what they do in public concerns me, and I refuse to see a scene like this and consider it normal.
They're challenging social conventions, and that can be dangerous. What if some tragedy strikes, or worse, if someone dies, who's to blame. What would happen to a child who sees this scene every day? Kids will think it's normal to wait for the subway on the yellow line. So, don't act like that guy over there. Follow the example of the girls. (translation via BuzzFeed)

PSYCH. He was talking about this guy:

Disgusting!!!! (via Facebook)

A lot of people seem to agree that the guy standing on the yellow line is setting a bad example for children everywhere, because the photo has been shared over 3,000 times and liked almost 10,000. The world is changing: it's time to take subway safety seriously.

Alexandra Allen is one of 34 known people with this condition.

Ms. Allen and her kryptonite.(via Facebook)

Severe allergies are not an easy cross to bear. Many sufferers have to monitor what they eat, what they touch, and even what they breathe. But can you imagine being allergic to something that makes up more than 60% of your body? That's the case for Utah high schooler Alexandra Allen, who was diagnosed at age 12 with aquagenic urticaria: an allergy to water.

It happened after a dip in a hot tub caused Allen to break out in hives. At first, doctors thought she might be reacting to hard water or chemicals in the tub, but subsequent tests determined it wasn't anything in the water. It was the H₂O itself. Since then, her reactions have gotten worse, landing her in the hospital at least once. She has had to take precautions, such as short, cold showers and avoiding any activity that would make her sweat.

Doctors say that her condition may get worse as she gets older, but they can't be sure. There's much they don't understand about the disease, which is no surprise. There are only 34 known cases in the world. Allen has gotten in touch with one other sufferer in England, who has given her advice and some perspective on being water intolerant. "I think I'm lucky, compared to a lot of other diseases I could have had," she told Deseret News. "At least this is tolerable and manageable."

Despite her condition, as well as dyslexia and attention deficit disorder, Allen manages to excel in school, plays sports, and maintains a blog for her writing. She even has a dream of living on a sailboat, which will certainly be challenging. But considering her competency and ambition, I wouldn't be surprised if she pulled it off.