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A paper shop in Ireland is turning anti-gay propaganda into pro-love confetti.

April 9, 2015, 3:00 pm
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The Daintree Paper shop in Dublin is taking hateful flyers, shredding them, and selling the confetti to raise money to support marriage equality.

This May, Irish citizens vote on a same-sex marriage referendum. Hopefully this will result in lots of wonderful same-sex Irish couples finally being able to tie the knot.* Leading up to the vote, however, some jerk-butt anti-gay groups have been using fear tactics to spread particularly nasty lies — including the ridiculous claim that you're more likely to get cancer if you're in a same-sex relationship.

As you can see in the video above, though, the Daintree Paper shop in Dublin is turning this claptrap into a positive— they're taking anti-gay propaganda and making it into confetti, which they're selling to raise money for the pro-same-sex-marriage group Yes Equality. Is there anything more satisfying than taking a weapon of hate and using it against the haters?

If you're not in Dublin, you can buy confetti through Daintree Paper's site A Shred of Decency.

* The Celtic knot! Am I right?! No? Bad joke? OK.

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If a crazy lady curses at you for not having a cigarette, you've GOT to remix it into a hot club track.

April 9, 2015, 3:50 pm
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I mean, what other choice is there?

So, on March 1st, in Sanger, TX, a wonderfully horrible thing happened. A large, irritated woman approached a car window in the parking lot of a Super Save Foods and asked if y'all had a cigarette. As it turns out, the y'all in the car (Chelcie Lynn, who posted the original Vine, and whoever was sitting next to her) didn't smoke. This didn't sit well with the jonesing smoker, and she made her feelings known. Here's the original Vine for your enjoyment:

After that, it made its way around the Internet until it was found by the group Bombs Away, who remixed it into this ultimate club hit. Just more proof that there's nothing so ugly that the Internet can't make it beautiful (the reverse is also true, but let's not go there).
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Finally, it's 'Chewie': The 'Louie' and 'Star Wars' mash-up we've all been waiting for.

April 9, 2015, 4:25 pm
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Because if Chewie lived in NYC, he'd obviously be a stand-up comedian.



I'm serious: Chewbacca would totally be going up at the Comedy Store. Just look at the things that drive people (and Wookies?) to become stand-ups. Being a little bit different than everyone you're around helps, and when do we ever see other Wookiees in the original Star Wars trilogy? Getting shit on at your job helps fuel stand-up too, and Chewie gets treated more as Han's sidekick than an equal. And aren't many people driven to perform stand-up because they feel like other people don't understand them? As far as I know, most people don't speak any Shyriiwook, Thykarann, or Xaczik (the three Wookiee languages, duh).

Anyway, the fine people at Nerdist put together this excellent mash-up of most people's favorite Wookiee and the opening credits of Louis C.K.'s show, Louie. Enjoy.

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Drinking

April 9, 2015, 5:00 pm
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Been unprepared for a meeting lately? At least you're not this guy.

April 9, 2015, 5:15 pm
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"Did I even remember deodorant? God, I hope I put on deodorant."

The quote at the top of this article is not real. The picture, however, is. The man in the polo shirt is Lance Futch, a 26-year-old Air National Guard member and employee of a solar energy company, Vivant Solar. He had been told to attend a "business casual" event with "federal officials" and thought that he would be speaking to a large room about how to secure more jobs for veterans.

Instead, he was in a small, face-to-face meeting with President Obama and Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT). As he told the New York Post,

When President Obama walked in the room, I'm looking down at my white polo going, 'Well, if I would have known this, I would have worn my military blues or at least a suit and tie.' I admit I was feeling a little underdressed at the moment.

Even though a company rep said that if they had known who was really attending the meeting, they'd have sent the CEO, Futch apparently managed to keep his cool well enough to plug his company's good works. It helped that his company logo being on the shirt prompted Obama to ask him about it.

He asked me about Vivint Solar. I was able to tell him: "We feel like we're leading a revolution in the solar industry. We also feel like we're empowering people. We're giving them wonderful careers in a growing industry."

Attaboy, Futch. Way to roll up your sleeves, and...oh. Well, way to maintain good posture, anyway.

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Ryan Gosling gets way embarrassed when his phone goes off in an interview, and it's wonderful.

April 9, 2015, 5:45 pm
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Good news! When Ryan Gosling's cell phone beeps in the middle of an interview, he's not a dick about it.


Oh, Ryan Gosling, that dancing, cereal-avoiding man. Can he do any wrong?

Well, he can do a tiny bit of wrong, because he forgot to mute his cell phone before starting this interview on BBC Morning. But he was an apologetic gentleman about it, just as you'd want Ryan Gosling to be. He didn't even look at the phone, even when interviewer Charlie Stayt says "Is it important? You don't know. It could've been the big one!" Which, incidentally, is kind of a hilarious thing to say to a man who has starred in several films and is now directing one. What kind of call counts as "the big one" at this point in Gosling's career? James Cameron asking Ryan if he wants to go putter around in the Mariana Trench on a bottom-of-the-ocean bros date?

Finally, this has nothing to do with Ryan's phone going off, but I accidentally got this screenshot of Charlie Stayt with cartoon eyes, and I invite you to enjoy it with me:


HELLO, RYAN. (viaThe Telegraph)

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Bull semen is big business, and someone just stole $70,000 of it.

April 9, 2015, 6:35 pm
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In Leroy, Minnesota, someone has stolen several scrotums worth of bull semen.


No bullshit. Just bullsperm. (via Thinkstock)

Actually, I don't know how much semen a bull scrotum holds, so I'm not 100% sure that it was several scrotums worth. But according to reports, someone stole one canister and several vials worth of bull semen, worth about $70,000. The semen was stolen from a barn sometime between April 1 and April 7, possibly on Easter Sunday. At the moment, there are no suspects.

Selling cattle semen and embryos for breeding is big business. Even 10 years ago, in 2005, "U.S. farmers spent about $225 million...on bull semen" according to Gordan Doak, the President of the National Association of Animal Breeders. I was first introduced to the concept of selling cattle semen a couple of years before that, in 2003, when I stayed in a small motel in rural West Virginia. One of the tourist materials in my room was a postcard with a picture of longhorn steer Mr. Immambo, advertising that his semen was for sale.


The text cuts off there, but I'm going to assume it says "he is now part of Gods private cow party."(via Dickinson Cattle Co)

Ever since I saw that Mr. Immambo postcard, I'll occasionally look up information on breeding cattle and cattle semen for sale. I do this because the phrase "cattle semen" is funny, and because the names and descriptions of the cows are often even better. Take, for example, this fella, who was featured on The Pulse, a cattle breeding and care blog:


Chubby, chubby, chubby. (via The Pulse)

There are even celebrity cow parents, of sorts — cattle that have excellent muscle build or bone structure or whatever else people desire in cows, and the sperm and embryos from those cattle fetches a higher price.

Not sure you're ready to buy cow sperm yet? Go check out all of the options you can get at Cattle Visions, "America's premier multi-breed semen distributor." (That is the real tagline for a real business.) Just make sure you buy it, and don't be a jerk and steal it out of someone's barn.

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Chris Pratt sings made-up lyrics to the 'Jurassic Park' theme, and all is right in the world.

April 9, 2015, 7:25 pm
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Yay! Chris Pratt is still a goofball and hasn't turned into an action-movie jerkwad.

A video posted by MTV (@mtv) on

I loved Chris Pratt in Parks and Rec, and while I'm happy to see him getting more badass roles, I worry sometimes about him abandoning comedy. Thus I was very pleased to see him promoting Jurassic World by making up lyrics to the original Jurassic Park theme song. I wish these lyrics existed when we played the Jurassic Park theme for our middle school band concert. (If you're wondering, I played 2nd trumpet, and I was terrible. If 15th trumpet had been a thing, I should have been that.)

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Weekend

April 10, 2015, 5:00 am
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Here's Anne Hathaway completely dominating Emily Blunt on 'Lip Sync Battle.'

April 10, 2015, 5:54 am
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No more teasers, here's Anne Hathaway full-on wrecking it.

I have a secret: I've never disliked Anne Hathaway. It seemed like for a while, everyone thought hating her was so cool. She is kind of awkward, for a gorgeous celebrity actress, but the level of backlash seemed completely unreasonable. Maybe we were inundated with her for awhile...and she got to be Catwoman. And work with Meryl Streep. Who cares?!

So happy to announce the ban on loving Anne Hathaway has finally been lifted with her appearance on Lip Sync Battle, where she rides a wrecking ball, flips off Emily Blunt, licks a diamond-encrusted hammer, and gets the crowd so frothed up they're chanting her damn name, while Blunt moans, "I know. I know."

I've always been cheering for you, lady! The naked emotions running constantly across your face make me uncomfortable in the best way. Congrats on your win, and keep foresaking pants. Hey, anyone else notice how damn jealous Chrissy Teigen is in this clip? She's basically falling out of her DJ booth trying to get in on the action. It's that good.

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The casual viewer’s guide to the many, many characters of 'Game of Thrones.'

April 10, 2015, 6:55 am
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There are so many characters on Game of Thrones, and they usually call each other unprintable swears instead of their names. So, it's useful to have a shorthand. You can use this one.







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Mother of 6 boys loses her mind on camera when she finds out she'll be having a girl.

April 10, 2015, 7:17 am
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The color of the cake reveals that there's a girl inside her, for once.

Cher Lair, of North Carolina, has had six boys. It's unclear if she has been trying for girls and that's why she has 6 children with another on the way or if she's just trying to catch up with the Duggar family. The title of her imaginary reality show would be Lair's Lair, obviously.

This story does have a fairytale quality: once upon a time a woman who had six sons was carrying her seventh child. Her friends served her a cake which would reveal the gender of this coming baby, as they had the test results for some magical reason. Nervously, she cut into this delicacy...and it was pink! PINK. That means a girl, right? RIGHT?

And they all lived happily ever after, unless it's some kind of mistake.

How do all of her sons feel when they see how tired of their penises she is? Well, little 5-year-old Houston Lair told ABC 11 that he's sick of girls, too, maybe because he's only ever met his mom:

"I ran out the door. I'm sick of girls."

Just wait, Houston. Just wait. If this is how bananas your mom is about her baby girl now, get ready for a serious princessification of your home.

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Madonna did stand-up for the first time yesterday, and she was pretty bad at it.

April 10, 2015, 7:38 am
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Madonna performed stand-up comedy on 'The Tonight Show' last night, and it was not very funny.

But on the plus side, she is very talented in other ways. Girl can sing!

It all started when Madonna told Jimmy Fallon "I'm kind of a closet comedian." Pretty soon, she was running over to the microphone to share some thoughts on dating younger men, owning a lot of very expensive art, and when the audience should be laughing.

If you have to say "it's funny," it's probably not funny. Luckily, no one cares because you're Madonna and we are honestly just curious about your private life.

I'd still never go see your open mic, though.

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'Game of Thrones' would be a lot less exciting if the characters ever took a moment to put these on.

April 10, 2015, 7:43 am
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This parody video walks us through the logic of trying to have safe sex in Westeros.

Condoms are great. You can use them to keep you and your partner safe from STIs and unwanted pregnancies. A responsible person always brings condoms to a sexual encounter.

Game of Thrones is almost non-stop sexual encounters, but you would never think about anyone on that show using protection of any kind, besides a crossbow. The writers of The Shorts Show decided to address the issue and invented Westerojans, Valyrian sheepskin condoms. With sensations of ice AND fire.

There are so many magical problems to navigate in the seven kingdoms. Not to get too explicit, but some people's special places are too hot and some are too cold. Some people have been impregnated by evil forces. Some are just plain bastards, which a condom would have prevented. Bottom line: protect yourself or you'll never take the throne.

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13 people who quit their jobs in the most enjoyably creative ways possible.

April 10, 2015, 8:05 am
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1.

This guy dressed as a banana and brought a mariachi band. I wish I could write him a reference letter.

Quitting. Sure, you've thought about it. You're probably thinking about it right now. But these jaded office heroes actually went through with it by giving a big, profanity-laden goodbye to gainful employment in the most flagrantly disrespectful, yet amazingly respectable, ways possible. If you're thinking of leaving your job soon, let these serve as some creative inspiration. And if you're between jobs, this can double as a list of recent openings.

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Dancing to Kanye in an empty office sends a powerful message.

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These news anchors chose to bow out with class.

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Marriott employee tells off boss with aid of some live musical accompaniment.

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This game developer made a custom version of Super Mario for his bosses.

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Do not ask for whom the Taco Bell tolls. It tolls for Adam.

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Man uses a chair, a magic marker, and some well-timed Queen to make an important announcement via his torso.

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Fed-up Canadian Whole Foods employee writes the least polite email in the history of Whole Foods, or Canada.

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Wal-Mart clerk hijacks intercom system to declare a limited-time special on "go fuck yourself."

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Warehouse worker takes a post-resignation victory lap. Then several more.

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The Jet Blue flight attendant who stole a beer, and our hearts.

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Borders clerk commemorates the death of Borders with a fittingly book-length list of confessions to customers.

13.


Spoiling the ending of Harry Potter 7 is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

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Article 13

April 10, 2015, 8:40 am
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The most embarrassing instances of cheaters being publicly shamed on Tinder.

April 10, 2015, 8:42 am
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Sorry we're not BuzzFeed. (via r/Tinder)

Tinder is a phenomenal app for connecting with people, no matter if they're strangers or your current estranged significant other. These are the most embarrassing examples of people being caught—and punished—on Tinder.

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I was still on his side until the leader dog thing. (via r/Tinder)

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They look so cute together.(via Imgur)

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Don't forget to leave the seat down!(via Imgur)

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At least he says it with a smile on his face.(via r/Tinder)

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A tender moment between a guy and all the men who want to nail his girlfriend.(via Imgur)

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I like a woman who leaves a little mystery.(via r/Tinder)

Have any other examples of people doling out Tinder justice? Send them to submissions@someecards.com.

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Is this cat the new #TheDress? Please, God, no.

April 10, 2015, 9:04 am
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The Internet is scrambling for something new to argue about, and it's this cat.


White and gold or blue and black?(via 9gag)

#TheDress was the kind of debate that can't be manufactured. Families, friends, workplaces; all were torn apart over what color that damn dress was. For days, it was all anyone could talk about. Well, anyone who wasn't being dragged through the nightmare of war, poverty and devastation. So, mostly people with tumblr accounts. Bloggers everywhere took it as an opportunity to write the goofiest #TheDress related nonsense. It was used in commercials, it knocked out every other hashtag on Twitter. #TheDress could not be stopped.

Naturally, websites are trying to stir that pot again. Since optical illusions are the hot topic, 9gag attempted to start something this week with this old pic of a cat walking either up or down a staircase. BUT WHICH IS IT?

The top comment on Imgur says down. Same thing on Reddit. Okay, it's probably going down.

Phew, that was close. I don't think I can handle another weekend of screaming at loved ones over a meme.

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Teen 'Fish Whisperer' becomes Internet-famous for his fishin' hole—the sewer on his block.

April 10, 2015, 9:29 am
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You can take the fish out of the sewer, but you can't take the....ew. Throw it back.


A "giant mudcat" caught by Naegli. It did start singing, but it had a really filthy mouth.
(screengrab via Kyle TheFishWhisperer)

Not many fishermen get full profiles written about them in non-fishing magazines and papers, let alone Texas Monthly and the Houston Chronicle, let alone at the age of 17. But not every fisherman is a 21st Century pioneer like Kyle Naegli of Katy, TX, or as he's known online, "Kyle TheFishWhisperer." Kyle's whispered fish in all sorts of original ways—for example, using remote-controlled toy boats to fish on a pond—but he's best known for bringing the bounties of the local sewer system to the Web's attention.

A literal fishin' hole. Well, manhole:

One thing Kyle apparently knows is that sewer fish have a taste for human food, so in lieu of live bait, he uses hot dog bits to lure his prey. Specifically "the cheap ones," he told the Houston Chronicle. Once they've been snagged, he dives head-first into the manhole to pull the catch out.

Strawberry hot dogs make great bait:

Of course, it doesn't always go perfectly:

Kyle practices catch-and-release, in part because he's a responsible fisherman who wants to protect the delicate ecosystem of the sewers, and in part because the fish are covered in excrement (to be fair, Kyle says most of the water in the system is actually overflow from a nearby pond).

The full playlist:

The above video should begin a playlist of all of Kyle's adventures in the sewer, which I highly recommend. I do want to add that I also enjoyed his less-filthy adventures using an RC boat as a sort of throwback Predator drone for fish:

In conclusion, let your kids play outside in the sewers (bear with me, here). Not only will they learn self-reliance, they'll probably build up immunities to everything and avoid allergies. They also might become YouTube famous, and that's the most important part of growing up in small-town America today.

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Article 9

April 10, 2015, 9:41 am
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