1. Hillary Clinton Expected To Make Some Kind Of Major Announcement This Weekend

According to a source close to Hillary Clinton, the former senator and Secretary of State is planning to make a mysterious major career announcement this Sunday. Pundits and journalists nationwide are currently wracking their brains in an effort to figure out what it could possible be.

BREAKING: HIllary Clinton announces she's abandoning plans to run for president after being "really impressed with Rand Paul".

— Top Conservative Cat (@TeaPartyCat) April 8, 2015

2. Italian Surgeon To Perform World's First Head Transplant, Or World First Body Transplant, Depending On Your Point Of View

A 30-year-old Russian man with a terminal muscle wasting disease will be the first person to undergo a controversial head transplant from Italian mad-scientist surgeon Sergio Canavero. “Am I afraid? Yes, of course I am,” Valery Spiridonov told The Daily Mail. “It is not just very scary, but also very interesting... you have to understand that I don't really have many choices."

Well, plans for the first human full head transplant have been announced. Can't wait for inevitable nightmares tonight after that article...

— Stephanie Bendixsen (@hexsteph) April 10, 2015

3. Jon Hamm Was A Major Douchebag In His Old Frat Days, As Is Required By Law

Mad Man star Jon Hamm was arrested for dragging a pledge around by his testicles with the claw of a hammer during his days in the University of Texas's Sigma Nu fraternity, according to a report from The Star. Kind of makes what he did to Sal Romano seem tame by comparison.

Between the racism, the sexual assaults, and the sadistic hazing, frats sure spend a lot of time "misrepresenting" what frats are all about

— Dan Amira (@DanAmira) March 10, 2015

4. William Shakespeare Releases His First New Play In Three Centuries

After careful inspection of the 18th Century manuscript Double Falsehood with text-analyzing software, a team of researchers from the University of Texas at Austin have determined that it was in fact authored by iconic playwright William Shakespeare. Approximately 372 film adaptations were immediately put into pre-production, and an infinite number of theater companies added it to next season's schedule.

An acceptable title for any number of Shakespeare plays is "Insane Crown Posse."

— Brian Boone (@brianadamsboone) February 4, 2015

5. Nerds Worldwide To Spend This Weekend Desperately Shoving Full Season Of 'Daredevil' Into Their Eyeholes

The entire 13-episode first season of Marvel's new Daredevil series was released by Netflix today to overwhelmingly positive reviews and major Internet buzz. So, in other words, don't expect to see your nerdier friends for a few days.

Watching #Daredevil on Netflix now has priority over everything else in my life. #TelevisionWithoutFear

— Jamie Rivera (@mr_jamriv) April 10, 2015

Bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo-oo-oo, bee-boo, bee-boo, bee-boo-oo-ooo.

Bee boo ba ba, dee dee da da, grr grr, grr grr, grrrrr grrrr—oh, sorry, I'll stop singing along now. YouTuber Arganalth makes a lot of hardware covers of popular music, but perhaps none have been so perfectly suited for the grating and distortion-heavy sound of metal-on-magnet (hard disk drives and old floppy disk drives, to be exact) as the grunge pioneers of Nirvana. Hopefully, this won't result in lots of frustrated teen robots freaking out and destroying everything. It was bad enough when it was just teen humans in a music video (who did actually destroy that set in real life, btw).

'The Tonight Show' edited this clip out of footage from the HBO series.

We're only two days away from the season 5 premiere of Game of Thrones. Fans everywhere are getting more and more excited. Just how excited are they? So excited. They just can't hide it. I think they're about to lose control. And the crazy part is, I think they like it.

Personally, I don't know how excited I am. Now that the show is killing off characters who didn't even die in the books, watching it makes me very nervous. In fact, this clip better expresses how I feel:

All men must spawn. Well, except Varys.

That moment you realize you should've spent your toilet-time reading parenting books.

Since man first crawled out of the ooze and threw himself atop woman to make a third thing, he's struggled with how to be a father. In days of old, man would speak to his father, or read a book like, "What To Expect When You're Expecting," or "Dude, You're Going to be a Dad." But who has time to speak to old people or read books when there is more prestige television to watch than ever before?

But, wait! When you needed to learn how to hang out in a bar where everyone knows your name, where did you turn? When you needed to learn how to make it in the big city when it hasn't been your day, your week, or even your year, where did you turn? When you needed to know how to behave in night court, where did you turn? That's right. Television.

This week marks the return of Game of Thrones on HBO, and with 6,000 of the 9,000 different characters being fathers or sons of some type, its a great place to pick up fatherly wisdom that will surely guide you to that 'Father of the Year' mug you so desperately crave.

1. Indulge the interests of your children.

Taking note of your children's interests and indulging them is a great way to create a strong paternal bond. Say, for instance, your oldest daughter is really into fancy dresses and princes and princesses; a great way to show your love is to have a best friend who is a king that has a son who is a prince that needs a politically strategic child bride and offer up your own daughter to that very child bride. It may not be a life that you would have ever wanted for her, but your job as a father is to help them make informed, strong choices. If she wants to be the wife of a homicidal boy king, be supportive.

Likewise, if your other daughter has shown a real penchant for stabbing people and things with swords, get her more swords and vaguely ethnic sword-fighting coaches.

Maybe your middle son was thrown off a tower and has shown a lot of interest lately in no longer being able to walk; it wouldn't be a bad thing to have a very simple giant on staff to carry your son around everywhere. These might be things that you don't have any interest in (arranging your daughter's marriage, or teaching your other daughter to be a more effective assassin) but we strive to give our children everything they want so don't lose your head over it.

2. Love all your children equally.

If the Lord of Light blesses you with more than one child, do not worry. Unless you are a truly wretched husk of a person, you should absolutely have room in your heart to love them equally. For example, say that over the course of your life you end up having three children. Maybe the first is a beautiful baby girl. Ah, the bond between father and daughter is a bond like no other. Then say your second child is a strapping boy, and you rejoice because your family name will live on and you'll be able to repay all your debts with honor and dignity.

Now, let's say that your third child is a boozy dwarf and that your wife somehow dies while giving birth to him. its going to be hard, but you have got to try to curb your natural inclination to blame that little guy for her death. That baby still needs a dad, and no matter how many times you try to accidentally arrange his death, he's always going to outsmart you. Embrace him as your son and find room in your heart for your love to grow. Push him away too much or unsuccessfully arrange his murder one too many times, and that alcoholic dwarf just might shoot you with a crossbow while you're sitting on the shitter.

3. Above all else, protect your children's honor.

As a father, you have a duty to protect your children and uphold their honor by any means necessary. What that means is that if you enter into a deal where, in exchange for your daughter's hand in marriage, you commit your armies and allegiance, and that deal falls through, you take action. She's been dreaming of this marriage with a man she's never met for a long time, and you're going to sit back while she gets tossed aside for some dumb nurse?

I don't think so. As a father, you have to do whatever is necessary to protect your children, and if that means you have to set up a sham wedding in order to ambush and slaughter those that betrayed you, so be it. That's your baby girl, man.

4. Man up. Embrace your bastard.

[Alert: Unconfirmed future book spoilers ahead!!]

What's that? You accidentally impregnated a woman who wasn't your wife? What's that? You're pretending to have accidentally impregnated another woman who wasn't your wife in order to protect the honor of your recently slain sister who secretly had a baby with the son of your enemy? However you came to have a bastard son in your life, whether it be drunken tryst or the convoluted secret sheltering of your dead sister's child, love your bastard.

They didn't ask for the burden that was placed on them at birth, and life is going to be difficult enough for them without having to worry about the lack of affection from their father. Plus, you never know who they'll become. Maybe your bastard will grow up to be the greatest man to ever live, or maybe he'll grow up to be a lunatic torturer. You can't control everything, but you can control how much love you are willing to give them.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, have a baby with your sister.

That kid is going to turn into a real dick.

"The Dinkles is my jam!"

Honestly, I could watch these two Key & Peele recurring characters go back and forth about the fundamentals and applications of fluid mechanics for an hour without getting bored, so the fact that they're talking about one of my favorite shows of all time is just gravy.

How great would it be, though, if HBO paid Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele to host a Talking Dead-style post-episode commentary show as these two valets every week? They could even do it in period dress on the steps of the Great Sept of Baelor. Hmmmm...

Hey, I need somebody with industry connections to put me in touch with HBO CEO Richard Plepler before Sunday. It's kind of urgent.

Things got real when two best friends rode the Slingshot ride.

This video comes to us from the Indy Speedway amusement park in Panama City Beach, Florida. These two best friends, Carmarie and Kanya, rode the Slingshot ride and experience a lifetime's worth of emotions in less than 2 minutes. It's all here: fear, exhilaration, acceptance, unconsciousness… and finally, true love between two besties. I hope they got henna tattoos to remember it by.

Also, does anybody else think it's weird how they seem to take turns being scared? Very unnerving.

"I got your pacifier right here." (via reddit)

Change is hard, especially adjusting to the change of having a new sibling. Sometimes your only recourse is to psychologically torture them or at least pretend to murder them. In honor of National Siblings Day, here are 8 photos of children being absolute monsters to their siblings.

He clearly has detachment issues. (via reddit)

Just don't bear down too hard on the soft spot.(via reddit)

"Go ahead. Make my wish." (via imgur)

It's adorably premeditated!(via reddit)

He's trying to brood, show some maturity. (via reddit)

That's a spelling mistake that'll get child social services involved. (via reddit)

Hey, good's not bad.(via reddit)

Because if it's not 'grammed, it didn't happen.

I want to take lessons on being cool from this man. (via Joe Jonas on Instagram)

1. Joe Jonas found the best guy for Man Crush Monday.

This airport snap from Joe Jonas is like a well-made film: Every time I look at it, I find something new to love. Like how the couple is wearing matching clogs. Or how the man's facial expression makes it look like this is the first time he's ever seen a phone.

A video posted by Aaron Paul (@glassofwhiskey) on Mar 27, 2015 at 12:33pm PDT

2. Aaron Paul talks to a just-hatched baby bird, and it's the best.

This is actually a couple of weeks old, but it's the most recent thing on Aaron Paul's Instagram, and it's too cute to ignore. The Breaking Bad star has a bird's nest on his porch, and the little guys have started hatching. This video is adorable, even though the just-born bird looks like a horrific muppet that was rejected from Labyrinth and put into storage for being too scary.

I'm not sure how NPH would feel about the no pants subway ride.
(via Neil Patrick Harris on Instagram)

3. Neil Patrick Harris subway shames a dude, and people freak.

NPH posted the above photo with the caption "Really..? Really..?" and oh man, did his commenters get into it. Some people claimed that NPH is racist, some people got worried because they take their shoes off on the subway, and one delightful person even went so far as to say, "I hope you teach your kids to not be such judgmental little c*nts." Remember, people — you can't smell what's happening in an Instagram photo.

A video posted by Miley Cyrus (@mileycyrus) on Apr 9, 2015 at 5:56pm PDT

4. Miley revealed that she's just like everyone else when she goes on a road trip.

Meaning that she also sings along to "Baby Got Back."

Chella indeed, Drake. Chella indeed. (via Drake on Instagram)

5. Drake refuses to call Coachella by its full name.

Come on, Drake. Only people who want to seem cooler than they are call it Chella. Do do you also call Bonnaroo "The Roo"?

He sounds like an old, Southern, retired Beetlejuice.

"Check 'em out, boy. Check 'em out. Gotta love it."

Indeed, we do gotta love the amazing narration of YouTuber P. Pearl's old-timey prospector-sounding grandpa helping baby sea turtles safely reach the ocean. Heck, just the act of doing that is pretty awesome and adorable, since a lot of the endangered turtles get eaten by birds of prey between their hatching spots on the beach and the water (also, human lighting messes with their sense of direction, since they navigate by stars). But the voiceover by grandpa is what takes this to the level of Internet Classic.

Pranks... Prrrrrraaaaaaannnksssss...

The fantastic thing about this prank is that it works on multiple levels. If you happen to think for a moment that you've encountered an actual herd of reanimated corpses, then that's obviously going to be terrifying. But that's only nominally scarier than happening upon a group of living humans who enjoy dressing up as cadavers and frightening people for fun.

But probably the biggest horror is if you know enough to suspect that these zombies are improv dorks who were hired for an Internet prank. I literally have chills at the thought of all the fliers for sketch shows and invitations to get interviewed for podcasts you'd find yourself buried under.

Just look at the hideous improv nerdery on display in this making-of video:

I cannot think of a better way to welcome the weekend than to watch John Legend singing to dogs for charity.

This is a video of John Legend singing to hilarious dogs dressed in wedding outfits. If you need to know more than that in order to press play on the video, we should probably never be friends.

The video is a promotion for Legend's charity, the Show Me Campaign, which "works to break the cycle of poverty by supporting programs that help to provide every child with a quality education." All the proceeds from this dog wedding campaign go to rebuilding the South High School auditorium in Springfield, OH, to help turn it into a community education center. Even if you can't donate at the level that will get you a private John Legend concert for your dog wedding (or cat wedding, or whatever other event you want him to play at), you can still support the cause at a lower level (and get some sweet dog wedding swag) by donating on the Omaze site.

See what I did there?

"You keep that, sir. You need it more than I do." (via Georgina Bloomberg)

This picture was posted to Facebook by Georgina Bloomberg, daughter of former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg. The little boy is the former mayor's grandson, and maybe all that political pedigree is how he's managing to keep his cool while his pacifier is being borrowed by a dude who is one horrible day away from running the most powerful nation on the planet.

No word on whether the Vice President gave the pacifier back, but word on the street is the White House is printing one with the VP's seal on it in the hopes that it will keep Joe busy between now and Hillary's coronation.

A long time ago, on an Internet way before YouTube.

Actually, Kevin Rubio's fan film is so old (1997), it debuted in a physical location before being passed around the Internet. That physical location was the San Diego Comic Con, but it soon spread like wildfire online, which in 1997 was still an honestly nerdy place. It was so influential, when LucasFilm organized the first annual Star Wars Fan Film Awards in 2002, it was awarded their very first Pioneer Award.

The idea is simple: Imperial TV has a very popular show called TROOPS, and it's a lot like the Earth show COPS (with some Fargo tossed in).

I'll let you just watch and enjoy, but keep an eye out for a cameo by Mystery Science Theater 3000's Tom Servo.

Contortionist Nokulunga Buthelezi easily performs moves that, for most of us, would result in stupid large hospital bills.

Here's something to aspire to for today's Friday Dance Party— the insane contortionist moves of "Snake Woman" Nokulunga Buthelezi.

Pretty much everything she does other than standing looks impossible. In an interview with The Daily Mail, Buthelezi says that her extreme flexibility was apparent from a very young age, and that even when she was in her crib, "I slept with my legs behind my head and my hands behind my back." In another interview with London's Five News, Buthelezi mentions that contortionism runs in her family: Her great-grandmother could pull "hella sick moves" too (my paraphrase).

So, unfortunately, most of us probably won't be able to stretch our way to contortionist careers — but hey, we can always hold out for getting hit by gamma rays or nuclear waste to give us superhero-level flexibility. Or we can train to tap dance like priests, at least.

Finally, a scientist has figured out the key to getting people excited about math and science: farts.

The web show PBS Space Time and host Gabe Perez-Giz are doing Very Important work. And by "doing Very Imporant work," I mean they're making videos about fart science. Well, not just fart science. Fart science in space. And pee science in space too! Look:

I want this entire picture as a decal for my car's rear window. (via PBS Space Time)

This is a pretty brilliant approach to exploring math and science — even though I am a person who likes learning about scientific things, I will totally admit that I paid more attention to these fart equations than most equations that come my way. The other Space Time episodes are worth checking out too, like this one where Gabe tries to figure out what planet Super Mario World would be:

And this bonus video about how to weigh a fart:

1.

Don't fell like a felliure, just try herder.(Via)

Sometimes when you log onto Facebook, you feel like you're the rookie principal in a movie about turning around a run-down high school and teaching those kids the value of an education. But Facebook isn't like the movies. The more you reach out, the more obstinate people become. The best you can do is let them make their mistakes and hope they learn from them, even though you know they never, ever will.

2.

You learn something new every day.(Via)

3.

That kid might have some regrets.(Via)

4.

The Wizarding World of Romeo and Juliet.(Via)

5.

I wondered why 'Wolf of Wall Street' never addressed that he was a ghost.(Via)

6.

But you even spelled "tattoo" wrong. (Via)

7.

Doesn't exist? But I saw him on the TV? He was getting mad ass!(Via)

8.

Yes, Stephanie, this is generally what will happen when you click "Upload" on a picture of your boobs. Now just give Xavier another minute.(Via)

9.

This was like watching a brain die mid-update.(Via)

10.

Ignorant, bad education, full of vapid bluster. Sadly, Kelsey, you are the new America.(Via)

11.

But when they do get rescued, they'd probably love a trip to Niagara Falls.(Via)

12.

Anyone pissed that Americans get a bad rep overseas, blame these butts.(Via)

13.

She's so in love, time bends in on itself and creates layers. (Via)

14.

That's nothing, on Foursquare he just became "Mayor Of My Homie's Hideout." (Via)

15.

Coincidentally, that's what your English teacher committed when he saw this.(Via)

16.

Who has time for math? They have 3 and a half beers to finish!(Via)

17.

Could you try and increase Dustin's limit? A bunch of us want to go to Key West this weekend.(via)

18.

Relax Nick. In the grand scheme of things, we all die as nothing.(Via)

19.

Hopelessness. (Via)

20.

Cool. The world will be over your house to access your hard drive later today. (Via)

21.

He skipped the class when they learned what class they were taking.(Via)

22.

Here endeth the lesson.(Via)

Enjoy the mature content in George R.R. Martin and Team Coco's cartoon "Lil Thrones."

Don't let the bubbly animations fool you, "Lil Thrones" is still super graphic. Watch all your favorite Game Of Thrones characters sing upbeat songs about the terrible tragedies in their lives. They dance! They rhyme! They're very positive about some rather grim situations! Hopefully this will turn into a full-length animated series because it looks amazing.

If you want a version to show your kids, Sesame Street did an exemplary G-rated parody.