This, in all likelihood, is not this dude's first head trauma.

I don't have a good answer to our country's long-standing debate over gun control. I don't actually have any interest in owning a gun, but I have even less interest in somebody telling me I'm not allowed to own a gun. I have no idea what the various cut-offs should be for who should be able to possess how many of what kinds of of firearms after how much time and with what level of clinical insanity. I'll leave all of that up to the politicians to fight about until the heat death of the universe.

That said, I think that there should at least be a one-question test for gun ownership. When you go to buy a handgun, the salesperson should ask you if you intend to load it with a .510 caliber cartridge made for elephant rifles. If you say yes, then you don't get a gun.

God made butts for one very specific reason.

Amy Schumer's new music video "Milk Milk Lemonade" is as bright as a summer day spent working at a lemonade stand. This soon to be chart-topping hit used the informative, PG-13 nursery rhyme "milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner fudge is made" and transformed it into a tune so catchy, it'll be on your spin instuctor's playlist by the time you finish reading this sentence.

It also serves as an educational video, making sure to emphasize and repeat key points in order to inform viewers not only of the plethora of nicknames for butts, but their primary function. There's a cameo by Amber Rose's fudge-machine, as well as Jemima Kirke and Amber Tamblyn's poop-makers. Method Man drops a steaming dose of truth with his heartfelt, spoken-word ode to the behind.

Go ahead and treat yourself to a fudge sundae after getting schooled by Amy Schumer.

Fudge. It's a metaphor. (via youtube)

1.

Call your doctor if your erection last more than 4 hours. (via reddit)

Spring has sprung, and so has the guy in that last photo! This is the time of year when everyone gets excited either about hitting the beach, or about seeing photos of their Facebook friends hitting the beach. But sometimes, something unexpected will pop up in the background of a prime bikini pic that keeps perverts from getting their jollies from it. We've compiled a handful of the best examples for your entertainment. Also, if you're aroused by these, there's something seriously wrong with you.

2.

How I Met Your Mother.(via Socialphy)

3.

I hope she stashed poopie bags somewhere in that two-piece.(via AcidCow)

4.

The power of Christ compels him to gawk.(via redditor My_Wife_Doesnt_Know)

5.

Jenny's boyfriend has jealousy issues.(via Cheezburger)

6.

This is how you know a couple will last.(via redditor Metamorphism)

7.

"For the last time, those pipes aren't romantic!"(via Cheezburger)

8.

New photos have been added to the album: Beach Blanket Dorks (via Socialphy)

9.

You never know where Jesus will make a difference in your life. (via weheartit)

10.

This guy's got a thing for sand boobs. (via The Chive)

11.

New photos have been added to the album:
"OMG, Did Bin Laden's Body Just Wash Ashore?"(via fungagz)

12.

New photos have been added to the album "Worst Sexts Ever." (via Offbeat Earth)

13.

It's more traditional to hide behind the pole.(via Xaxor)

14.

Behind every confident woman is a supremely confident man. (via redditor enzoal)

15.

Nobody shake that hand. (via AcidCow)

16.

Angela added new photos to the album "Try to Ignore the Cows Pissing." (via Socialphy)

17.

Becky added new photos to the album: "3 Inches, LOL!" (via redditor down_vote_magnet)

18.

What an asshole. (via fungagz)

19.

Innuendo was also tagged in this photo. (via reddit)

20.

Those fast zombies really take the fun out of a beach day. (via fungagz)

21.

Click here to remove tag, for the love of God. (via guyism)

22.

You're ruining it for everyone. (via College Humor)

23.

"Don't mind me, ladies. Don't. Mind. Me." (via Cheezburger)

Jasper the Spaniel loves "smoking" a pipe, just like his master.

"I say, old chap. Have you tried eating your own poop recently? It's quite remarkable!"
(via Irish Examiner on YouTube)

Jasper is an 18-month-old Spaniel living in Galway, Ireland, and he's learned a trick that's more debonair than sit or stay — smoking a pipe just like his owner, Padraic Sirr. Padaric suspects that Jasper first learned to "smoke" by watching him relax with his pipe in the evenings (if only that meant that dogs could also learn to clean the house and cook human dinners just by watching their owners). According to Padraic, Jasper "gets fierce excited when I ask him where his pipe is and will jump up to the drawer on the dresser where we keep it, as he knows well where it is."

Padraic recently quit smoking after developing diabetes, but Jasper still enjoys his pipe. I'm just happy to see a young dog keeping tradition alive and not vaping like all the puppies. On a serious note, the day that somebody starts making "e juice for dogs" is the day that I start building my hermit cabin in the woods. I will get a guard dog, and that guard dog will smoke a pipe.

Gay penguins, explicit sex scenes, foul language and all the other things that make books worth reading.

"Wait a minute...this book is entertaining! That's not OK at all!"

If you're wondering what to read next, the American Library Association just put out their yearly list of Frequently Challenged Books. Why not start there? Here are the titles that some idiots think should not be in libraries in the year 2014 (that's a full 24 years after Reagan left office, 81 years after Nazis started burning un-German books, and a full 200 years after Jefferson wrote a famous letter concerning the separation of Church and State):

1. 'The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian' by Sherman Alexie.

Complaints: anti-family, cultural insensitivity, drugs/alcohol/smoking, gambling, offensive language, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group, violence. Additional reasons: “depictions of bullying."

2. 'Persepolis' by Marjane Satrapi.

Complaints: gambling, offensive language, political viewpoint. Additional reasons: “politically, racially, and socially offensive," “graphic depictions."

3. 'And Tango Makes Three' by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell.

Complaints: Anti-family, homosexuality, political viewpoint, religious viewpoint, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “promotes the homosexual agenda."

4. 'The Bluest Eye' by Toni Morrison.

Complaints: Sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “contains controversial issues."

5. 'It's Perfectly Normal' by Robie Harris.

Complaints: Nudity, sex education, sexually explicit, unsuited to age group. Additional reasons: “alleges it child pornography."

6. 'Saga' by Brian Vaughan and Fiona Staples.

Complaints: Anti-Family, nudity, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

7. 'The Kite Runner' by Khaled Hosseini

Complaints: Offensive language, unsuited to age group, violence.

8. 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky

Complaints: drugs/alcohol/smoking, homosexuality, offensive language, sexually explicit, unsuited for age group. Additional reasons: “date rape and masturbation."

9. 'A Stolen Life' Jaycee Dugard

Complaints: drugs/alcohol/smoking, offensive language, sexually explicit, and unsuited for age group.

10. 'Drama' by Raina Telgemeier.

Complaints: sexually explicit.

(complaints taken directly from the American Library Association)

5. TV pitchman Dell Schanze, who's under investigation for kicking an owl from a paraglider and filming it.

The name "Dell Schanze" is an infamous one in Utah, as well as in the world of paragliding. Neither of those communities is normally a hotbed of controversy, but he's just that big of a dick. "Super Dell" Schanze is the former owner of Totally Awesome Computers, a retail chain that was based out of Salt Lake City until it shut down in 2006. Schanze is still well-known in Utah for his frenetic, high-energy commercials, and for his run-ins with the police, which include previous paramotor antics, as well as gun charges. (A paramotor is a paraglider with a small propeller.) When Totally Awesome Computers went totally bankrupt, he blamed it on the Utah media, calling everyone involved "liars and murderers."

An incident in which he flew his paraglider low over Interstate 15 at rush hour him the ire of other paramotor enthusiasts, and now, it's animal right activists who are coming after him. They're accusing Schanze of taking this video of himself kicking an owl while shouting, "Who's the predator now?!" There's no proof that it's him, but nobody in Utah has any doubt. Schanze himself refused to flat-out deny it at a court hearing, insisting that he wanted to take a plea deal while still not admitting fault, even after the judge patiently explained that that's not what a plea deal is. The judge ordered the case to trial, and Schanze went into a rant outside the courthouse about the satanic media.

The trial is set to begin April 20th. Schanze is facing a misdemeanor charge of knowingly using an aircraft to harass wildlife and pursuing a migratory bird. If convicted, he could face up to a year in jail and a $100,000 fine. And when he's in front of a jury of people who remember his annoying commercials, he won't be the predator anymore. He'll be kicked right out of the sky.

4. Allergy sufferers, because this spring is going to suck.

Elf braids won't protect you.(stock photo)

If you're excited to finally be out of that horrible cold winter, don't get ahead of yourself. This may very well be a frying pan/fire situation. Experts are predicting that this allergy season will be the most intense in years, and it's because of that very same winter. The heavy amount of precipitation that fell is providing a veritable feast for all the plants about to bloom, meaning record levels of pollen will be in the air. Think of it as a giant plant orgy, and we're all getting sloppy seconds.

It hasn't gotten bad yet, but that's not a good sign. According to Dr. John Saryan, Chief of Allergy and Immunology at Lahey Hospital and Medical Center in Burlington, MA:

"The longer we go without patients complaining, the more I think that's going to be a fairly intense season, squeezed into a shorter period of time."

If you suffer from allergies and/or asthma, you might want to double up on your inhalers and start carrying around an IV filled with antihistamines. Or maybe just take a deep breath and hold it. Till August.

3. Madonna, because each new celebrity she makes out with gets her less attention.

DRAKE'S REACTION AFTER KISSING MADONNA pic.twitter.com/eJhtRDzQl4
— FREDDY (@FreddyAmazin) April 13, 2015

There was a time when Madonna could randomly kiss a young starlet or starleur*, and both of their stars would rise for months as a result. Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Henry Kissinger**… they all fell prey to her sexual publicity machine. But I guess lightning struck too many times on the same pair of charred lips.

Her onstage make-out sesh with Drake at Coachella has netted her precious little press, and none of it good. Maybe it has to do with the fact that immediately afterward, Drake looked like a baby that had just tasted a lemon, but that can't be the whole story. I think Madonna has just overused that trick. There's nothing exclusive about her mouth anymore. I would recommend she either give it a rest for a year or so, or else to graduate to second, possibly third base. That'll get those tongues wagging.

*male starlet, I just made it up
**not really

2. Anyone going to a wedding this year, because it'll cost you $673.

Note: it's not actually the couple taking your money.(stock photo)

Bad news for anyone with friends or family: not only does the cost of attending a wedding increase every year, the cake never gets any better. A new American Express survey calculated the average cost of going to a wedding for this year at $673, a 14% increase from last year, and almost double the average of $339 from 2012. Better stuff your pockets with hors d'oeuvres.

Most of that cost comes from flying, at an average of $225 per person. That doesn't apply to local weddings, of course, but AmEx's study also found that nearly a quarter of all weddings are so-called "destination weddings," AKA "ohgodno not another fucking destination wedding." It's bad news for those couples, too – guests are spending less on wedding gifts to defray the cost of travel.

This is an important lesson for everyone who plans on getting married. Don't do it in Hawaii unless you want a kitchen full of colanders.

1. The Secret Service, because a 4-year-old got through the White House fence.

What kid could resist this? It looks like a giant cake.(Getty)

The Secret Service has had more than its fair share of embarrassments lately. Between agents hiring prostitutes, driving over bombs, and wasting taxpayer money on all these things, their effectiveness and popularity is at an all time low. And that's not even to mention a series of successful fence jumpers making it past White House security. But at least all of them had hit puberty… until now.

The Secret Service scrambled into action yesterday afternoon, putting the entire White House into lockdown, after an intruder was seen scrambling under a White House fence on Pennsylvania Avenue. They assumed it must be some incredibly dangerous ninja infiltrator to contort himself through that tiny space, but it turns out it was just a toddler. They're little.

The kid was reunited with his parents, and agents stood down. Here's the final report as it came from the White House press pool:

"Update on brief security scramble at the White House prior to departure: It was just a child."

Rover.com's cat name survey lets you know whether you're a boring asshole who gave your cat a predictable name.

This cat is plotting its escape from its owner because she named it Simba. (via Thinkstock)

Rover.com has released an infographic with the most popular cat names. So, if your cat has one of these names, you can rest easy knowing that thousands of people had the same uncreative idea as you. The top 20 names are:

Boy Cat Names

1. Charlie
2. Jack
3. Jasper
4. Dexter
5. Milo
6. Fred
7. Simon
8. Simba
9. George
10. Boomer

Girl Cat Names

1. Lily
2. Chloe
3. Lucy
4. Bella
5. Luna
6. Maddie
7. Emma
8. Coco
9. Molly
10. Callie

One of my favorite parts of the research is that Rover.com cross-referenced the top cat names with the top 50 baby names of 2014, so we now know that 7 of the 20 top cat names are also among the most popular human names from the last year (you can see which ones on the infographic below). I really hope there are people out there who love these names so much that they give both their baby and pet the same names. Especially if the cat is named Charlie and the child is named Charlie Jr.

See also: Here are the 20 most common names of kids who behave badly in school.

Here's the full infographic:

(via Rover.com)

One of the reasons that 'Game of Thrones' strikes such a chord with viewers is its impressive ability to touch upon real-world issues of the day. Observe how easily quotes from this week's episode relate to this week's headlines:

Madonna's Rebel Heartisn't selling the way her albums used to back in the '80s . However, an 80's-themed album from another blonde-singer with a penchant for reinvention is doing quite well.

You don't need a degree in political science to figure out why the son of one U.S. President and the brother of another U.S. President is the GOP primary frontrunner.

It's obviously looking more likely than ever that we'll see a woman sitting in the throne of power before too long.

Kanye West is undoubtedly one of the most talented artists working in any media today, but even he is starting to realize that his impossibly oversized ego is dragging him down.

Marco Rubio doesn't have a Presidential parent or spouse. He was not born into a religious or political dynasty. He's just a guy with some humble beginnings and a dream to plunge the country back into the 1950s. He's the definition of the American dream.

David Miscavige—the diminutive, self-appointed leader of the Church of Scientology since the death of its founder L. Ron Hubbard—has long been paranoid that the world was filled with people who want to tear him and his religion down. Suddenly, since the release of HBO's Going Clear documentary, he is actually kind of right.

'Super-Fan Builds' made an Iron Throne toilet for a 'GoT' fan, because all we can hope for in life is the chance to poop on what we love.

You know that look you give when trying to be grateful for a gift that you're mortified by? That's how I feel John Giovanazzi looks in this episode of Super-Fan Builds when he's being given a custom-made Iron Throne toilet for the bar he owns. Even if he loves his fantasy toilet*, he has to be thinking about how gross bar toilets already are when they don't have hundreds of sword nooks to clean out, and they're also normally white so you can tell where the dirt is. And I have to imagine that if you're a guy and you go into the bathroom and find this, you're going to see how many different swords you can hit with your pee, right?

I can't decide if I think this toilet is disgusting or if I want one for myself. Actually, no — what I want is for someone to make me a Millennium Falcon bidet where the water shoots out of the little satellite dish on the top of the ship. As Han would say: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good bidet at your side, kid."

* BRB, have to go trademark the phrase "fantasy toilet." Also going to trademark "toilet fantasy" while I'm at it.

Shoulder-top jousting: America's new favorite pastime.

If you build it, he will come. And if you have a rain delay, he will get bored, get on someone's shoulders, and knock some other dude to the ground by jousting with a baseball bat. At least, that's what happened at this recent college baseball game. I want so much for this to be part of regular game play. Or at least for team mascots to regularly face off in a joust like this, perhaps carrying smaller versions of their mascot selves on their shoulders.

Many Redditors were quick to point out that rain delay antics are pretty common, especially during college games. Dancing is especially popular:

Also, side note: Did you know that the History Channel has a jousting show? (I'm sorry, I meant to say "Of course the History Channel has a jousting show.") It's called Full Metal Jousting, and I bet it's full of spirited people who have some opinions! Here's the trailer, in case you need more jousting in your life (and you almost certainly do).

Today, an unexpected candidate joined the 2016 race: this crying kid.

I will admit, this is a bold announcement video, Zeke — I've never seen a candidate announce his run with both tears and a pacifier before.

Well, I have good news and bad news, kid: You and Hillary can both run for President, but you need to wait about 43 or so more years. And there's not quite as much play in the White House as you might be expecting. That said, I've never seen a candidate before who's honest enough that, when asked why everyone should vote for him, answers, "Because I want to run for president."

Your bold moves might just be what this country needs, Zeke.

Another week, another attempt by America's most implausible family to prove they are humans we could emulate.

In this episode, “On the Road," we are shown a road trip that features Kurt Russell's sister. Hey, just because Kurt Russell's sister has never poured usher brother's wine doesn't mean it will never happen.

Surely we could hunt down Kurt Russell's sister if we tried! Maybe we could talk about Kurt's return for Furious 8! Unfortunately, most of us don't have time for that kind of stalking. Besides, thinking about the Furious franchise for too long is now the leading cause of depression.

Here are five moments from this week's episode that made us realize we should be giving up on keeping up:

1. The whole world has neither seen your cervix nor cares to.

2. No one asks if you're a mobile genius, even if they're being sarcastic.

3. Your lips will never threaten to overtake your family's famously plump asses.

4. Your ex-husband will never have to seriously consider your threat to send love socks your son designed to Keanu Reeves.

5. Your mom never solved any problems by renting out her childhood amusement park ride for you.

A man was trying to kill an armadillo in his yard and the bullet ricocheted off its hard shell into his mother-in-law.

Who, meeeeeeee?(via Thinkstock)

On Sunday night in Lee Co., GA, a man named Larry McElroy was just hanging out in his yard when he saw a rascally armadillo. He took out his 9mm and shot it dead. The armadillo had his revenge: the bullet that killed him ricocheted off his shell, hit a fence, went through the door of McElroy's mother-in-law's mobile home, through the armchair where she was sitting and into her back.

Thankfully, 74-year-old Carol Johnson is fine and recovering speedily from her injury.

Apparently, shooting at armadillos in residential areas isn't considered the worst idea in the world. It can be an effective form of pest control. The Lee County Sheriff's Department recommends that folks use something besides a 9mm, telling WALB, "I really think if they're going to shoot at varmints and whatnot, maybe use a shotgun...with a spread pattern with a lot less range."

And if things go wrong firing off a shotgun, try blaming it on the dog.

Natasha Hope-Simpson couldn't be too upset at this angry note left on her car.

Natasha was a little flattered that this concerned #Dalhousie employee didn't notice her leg prosthetic. #citizencoppic.twitter.com/nStw3YS7Mh
— Gregor Ash (@Gregor_Ash) April 8, 2015

Loyal readers may notice a similarity between this story and one we reported on a month ago, in which a woman with a prosthetic leg left a polite note on her neighbor's car to ask her to stop parking in a handicapped space, and got an insane note back threatening her and mocking her disability. However, I'm pleased to inform you that this report is much less of a bummer.

Natasha Hope-Simpson is a 25-year-old artist based in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. In November of 2013 she was the victim of a hit-and-run accident and lost her left leg below the knee. Since then, she's worked hard to practice walking in her custom 3D-printed prosthetic, to make her walk natural and comfortable. So it must have come as a great compliment when she came back to her car after work one day and found a note reading:

"I have a video of you walking away from your car on numerous occasions, you are not handicapped!! The next time you park here I will forward the video's to police with your license plate number. You should be ashamed of yourself!!!!"

That red text means business. The amazing thing is that whoever left this note had time to type it up, print it on a color printer, take incriminating videos of Hope-Simpson, and leave the note on her car, but didn't have time to check the car for a handicapped parking permit, which it has. On her end, Hope-Simpson didn't seem too bothered, telling CBC News, "I'm kind of flattered about that, because I've been working pretty hard on my walk to make it look natural."

Disability advocates are less forgiving. The CBC also reached out to one such advocate, Tova Sherman, who told them, "It's really none of our business whether they run out of the car, or crawl out of the car. Great example is people who live with fibromyalgia — chronic pain — it is episodic, meaning it comes and it goes."

That's one thing about being an amputee: it doesn't come and go. Still, it's nice to see Hope-Simpson is capable enough with her prosthetic after a year and a half to keep all the able-bodied jerks of the world on their toes. Interestingly, this is not the first time she's been in the news for reasons related to her disability. About a year ago, she had the opportunity to work with her alma mater, the Nova Scotia College of Art and Design, to design and produce a custom 3D-printed prosthetic. The end result, created in only two weeks, is really pretty awesome. Here's a making-of documentary:

Hope-Simpson now has several different custom legs to choose from on a daily basis. With shorts weather coming up soon, maybe the next note left on her car will be more like this:

"OMG your leg is so cool!!! Where can I get one? Please park wherever you like!!!!"