I can't be the only one who thinks this falls into the uncanny valley, right?
This video of a tiny kitten that loves pets has been making the rounds. But am I the only one who thinks that the cat's chubby cheeks and small ears make it look like it has the face of a chubby human child? Watch it again, and join me in NEVER BEING ABLE TO UNSEE this tiny, fur-covered toddler-kitten hybrid.
If you're not familiar with the concept of the uncanny valley, please enjoy this introductory video from Popular Science which includes plenty of terrifying examples:
Married people Kristen Bartlett and Jason Gore tackle the hottest topics on the web in a husband vs. wife point/counterpoint.
Today, they're fighting about My Idol, a Chinese app that uses your selfies to build a 3D avatar. My Idol is sweeping the Internet on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Vine, as people churn out pictures and videos of their avatars. But are the images sinister or sweet? Let's find out.
POINT: Jason says, "My Idol is good, clean innocent fun!"
How can you not believe that My Idol isn't good clean fun? Look at my avatar! Sure, he may not smile, but that's only because he's silently thinking about all of the fun he's having/going to have.
You know what else is fun? Birthdays. Even better? Avatars singing "Happy Birthday." That isn't creepy at all. It's sweet. While watching this, I secretly wished today was my birthday.
A video posted by Janie Stolar nee Fierce (@janiefierce) on
If you're the type of person who likes a real good time, download the My Idol app and join in all the fun. Also, you'll be forced to learn some Chinese in the process. Hey, that's fun!
COUNTERPOINT: Kristen says, "My Idol is a nightmare factory."
Do we really need to dispute this? Take a look at my avatar.
My Idol is limited on its options on basic things like hair length and color, but it has dozens of terrifying face tattoos. These pink cheek swirlies were the most innocuous face decoration I could find. And dear God, why is one of the “fun, light-hearted" things you can do with your avatar HAVE HER ANGRILY HOLD A LOADED GUN?!
Furthermore, people are using My Idol to make deeply disturbing things.
Inspired by Jason. Dedicated to Kristen and Anna. Mel, don't watch.
There's your nightmare-fuel. That avatar is not wearing any pants, and he's singing the lyrics of Hozier's "Take Me to Church" to a completely different song. And to top it all off, Mordecai is looking forlornly on in the background.
NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! People shouldn't be allowed to do this!
A video posted by annaroseroisman (@annaroseroisman) on
In conclusion, My Idol is a nightmare factory. Plain and simple. Want to test it? Close your eyes. You still see them, don't you? Yep. They're never going away.
Surprise! They age like normal humans and are now older than they used to be!
The Internet. If there's one thing that it's good at, it's giving us daily reminders that TIME KEEPS MOVING FORWARD and WE ARE SO OLD. Today's thing to make you feel like your DEATH IS IMMINENT is this "Where are they now?"-style video of the "Charlie Bit My Finger" kids. If you pulled a Kimmy Schmidt and aren't familiar with the monster hit of an Internet video, take a look:
I love how the interviewer tries to lead the kids to say it's embarrassing that this video exists, and they won't, well... bite. Also, I think it's inaccurate to say that "over 850 million people have watched this clip." It's probably more like 500 million people, and then 1,000 stoners who have watched it 3,500 times each.
Two-minute-long check-ins with viral video stars every seven years is going to become the new version of the Up! series, right? Wow. Where will these guys be in another seven years? My guess is still at home, because they will still legally be minors. But hoo-boy, I can't wait until we get to see one kid nostalgically bite the other kid's finger again!
It's OK, YouTube. We all get better as we get older.
10 years ago today, one of YouTube's creators, Jawed Karim, uploaded the site's first video. It's an 18-second clip of him talking about elephants at the zoo. I think he's trying to make a dick joke. It does not go well. I mean, it doesn't go poorly. But if he is indeed trying to make a joke, it's just not funny.
Anyway, YouTube grew up and is now middle-aged by Internet standards, and thankfully, with that wisdom comes a deluge of better elephant videos.
Somebody better be getting #hellyesjonandjess a rooftop city falcon as a wedding gift.
Do you love the clean lines and symmetry of Wes Anderson films? How about celebrating two people in love, even if it makes you kinda jealous that they found each other and both have such a great sense of design and better wardrobes than you'll ever have, even if you were on What Not to Wear multiple times? Then please enjoy this lovely save the date video.
The couple is registered at Herman Miller and some store that only sells vintage water pitchers, probably.*
* I am not an asshole for making that joke because I would 100% shop at a store that only sells vintage water pitchers.
Watch Terry Crews breath new life into Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" with his shirt off. Of course.
I LOVE TERRY CREWS. Not only is he hilarious, he's a self-proclaimed feminist. Even here, at the silliest celebrity tournament of our generation, he talks about how his wife and daughters have taught him to get in touch with his feminine side. Terry's feminine side is a beautiful thing that includes one of those rhythmic gymnastic ribbons and sitting on a piano.
Mike Tyson comes out to do Salt-n-Pepa's Push It, but the real heroes of the routine are his super tight pants. His dancing is pretty good, though he can't quite manage to dance and lip sync at the same time. In the end Terry Crews is our winner. His chest thanks you.
Marissa Holcomb was fired for not paying back $400 taken from her during an armed robbery.
This disturbing security camera footage shows Marissa Holcomb, a former shift manager at a Popeye's in Channelview, TX, being robbed at gunpoint while on the job. It was a terrifying experience for Holcomb, who is pregnant with her fourth child. In that moment, all she could do was survive. But apparently, her bosses expected her to turn vigilante.
Less than 36 hours after this incident, Holcomb was fired. She was given an ultimatum: pay back the $400 taken by the thief from her own pocket or lose her job. She told KHOU, "I told them I'm not paying nothing, I just had a gun to me. I'm not paying the money." So she was canned.
The official explanation was that she was fired for not making cash drops often enough, which left too much money in the register for the robber to take. However, she insists that it was an unusually busy evening, and that $400 is what they'd made in in the last hour. Also, if that's the reason, it doesn't explain why she was asked to pay back the money itself. That offer was apparently not reported to Popeye's corporate office.
Since this story went viral, there's a new development. The outpouring of support for Holcomb and criticism of her bosses reached Popeye's, and they're trying their hardest to make it right. They offered her her job back, along with $2,000 in back pay for the time she's missed so far. They also issued this statement:
"We deeply regret the way this matter was handled. We are committed to continuing to work with Ms. Holcomb, and we apologize to her, our employees, the public and other franchise operators of the Popeyes system. We have let them down and are committed to do better."
Although this could easily be an example of a corporation just trying to put out a PR fire, it's also nice to see them taking responsibility. Holcomb, however, isn't so sure. She's not exactly eager to rest her family's future on a company that treated her so poorly, then showed no remorse until it was publicly exposed. She told KHOU:
"I do need a way to support my kids. I don't want to go back to a business where I'm treated the same and I just get pushed back out if something else happened."
Watch "The Tonight Show" announcer, Steve Higgins, try to prove he's a better Shaggy than the man himself.
Not gonna lie, this made me cringe a little bit. I love watching the band during music stuff, because The Roots let you know via facial expressions whether or not this is a spontaneous good time or...not. While I admire Higgins and his commitment to the bit, they do seem to have fiercely planned this thing from beginning to end. They even end on that planned, "It wasn't us."
I would have enjoyed this more if one of them had just crashed and burned. What if Shaggy couldn't do Shaggy anymore? What if Higgins started doing a Nixon impression for no reason? Some excitement, please. Ah, well. In Shaggy vs. Shaggy everybody Shaggys. Shaggy out.
The Mexican chain has begun online and mobile ordering in 67 cities.
The dream is real. You can eat this in your cubicle.(Getty)
Gone are the days when ordering in meant you had to settle for any restaurant except Chipotle. From now on, the guac is coming to you. Chipotle has teamed up with Postmates, the same third-party deliverer that Starbucks is working with, to offer full deliver service for its entire menu. This means that as of now, Chipotle delivery is available in all 67 cities where Postmates operates.
This isn't just great news for anyone too busy to pick up their own tacos, it's also potentially life-changing for people who love pinto beans but have a crippling phobia of stainless steel and plywood decor. You can eat burrito bowls every day, and never again have to stand in line describing your meal to four different employees.
Although customers have been clamoring for this for years, Chipotle's stringent standards prevented them from implementing delivery until they were sure they could get it right. Previously, independent deliverers tried to start rogue operations with the restaurant, but the corporate office did everything it could to shut them down. According to chief creative and development officer Mark Crumpacker, “We weren't sure whether the quality was going to be sufficient or whether they were following our rules.”
But now, not only is the delivery service legit, it's getting even easier. Today, Chipotle is launching an Apple Watch app that will let customers order ahead. Until now, I thought the Apple Watch was a dumb, gimmicky product, but if it can summon burritos, I'm all on board. I just wish it was sriracha-resistant. I'm pretty messy with my Chipotle.
1. Comcast Hangs Up In Frustration After Getting Terrible Service From FCC
Yesterday's speculation that the impending Comcast-Time Warner Merger was in danger of falling apart due to reservations from the FCC has turned out to be right on the money. "Today, we move on," Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts said in a statement. "I couldn't be more proud of this company and I am truly excited for what's next." What's next is almost certainly revenge upon society for not lying down before its ultimate overlord, but in what form that revenge will come remains to be seen.
Wrote an article mocking Comcast and came home to find my DVR suddenly isn't working. Pretty sure this is how Woodward and Bernstein felt.
2. Poll: Only 40 Percent Of Americans Will Be Bummed Out By SCOTUS Legalizing Gay Marriage
Only about two-in-five U.S. citizens will idiotically believe that the sanctity of their marriage is being destroyed when the U.S. Supreme court almost certainly decides to legalize gay marriage across the according to a new Washington Post-ABC News poll and ABC News. This is the lowest percentage of ridiculous opinions on this matter that has been found to date.
In my lifetime I want to see gay marriage legalized, gender equality and the ability to text in the shower
3. Bobby Jindal Promises To Hate Gay Marriage Forever And Ever No Matter What
In an extremely silly and unnecessary op-ed voluntarily written for the New York Times, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal announced to the world that he is proudly standing in opposition to history, mounting public opinion and probably federal law by opposing the right of one male taxpaying U.S. citizen that he does not know to marry another male taxpaying U.S. citizen. "I hold the view that has been the consensus in our country for over two centuries: that marriage is between one man and one woman, he wrote. "I will not change my faith-driven view on this matter, even if it becomes a minority opinion." A gesture of dumbness of this magnitude must mean he's nearly ready to officially announce his presidential ambitions.
Dear @BobbyJindal: I'm "holding firm" against gay marriage, too. *wink wink* Glad to see you're up on the newest slang. DM me, sugarpup.
4. Netflix Defends Adam Sandler's Right To Make Lazy, Possibly Racist Jokes With Its Money
Netflix is not going to let a handful of Native American extras and crew members—who seem to have recently discovered that Adam Sandler movies are offensive in multiple senses of the word—put a kink in their plans to bring original Sandler context to the masses via their streaming service. "The movie has ridiculous in the title for a reason: because it is ridiculous. It is a broad satire of Western movies and the stereotypes they popularized, featuring a diverse cast that is not only part of—but in on—the joke," a Netflix spokesperson said in a statement to ABC news. This statement is about as respectful to the word "satire" as the movie seems to be to the culture of the Apache people.
I can honestly say that the news of Native American actors walking off his set has not changed my opinion of Adam Sandler one bit.
5. All The Thrust-Squats In The World Isn't Going To Change The Fact That You Smeared Nutella On A Burrito Last Night
Regular and rigorous exercise really isn't going to do much for your giant gut or big butt if you're heading home and following it up with a pizza and six-pack, according to an article recently published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine. "Regular physical activity reduces the risk of developing cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, dementia and some cancers by at least 30%. However, physical activity does not promote weight loss," the authors write. "You cannot outrun a bad diet." See?! I've been telling my wife for weeks that exercise is useless. Now maybe she'll leave me alone and let me watch Daredevil in peace.
"What the hell is happening to that girl"
-anyone watching me try to get off of an exercise bike
Kids today with their smartphones and their Snapchat and their sense of irony that goes way too far...
Hmm. What rhymes with "prom"? Glom, pom-pom...who am I kidding. I know! (photo via Twitter)
We may never know what led Ibrahim Ahmad to think wearing a fake bomb to school was OK. The high school senior at La Center High School thought this day would be like any other: trig class, a pop quiz or two, strap a fake bomb on and ask a girl to prom, then lunch. The usual.
Unfortunately, the school administrators did not think it was funny at all. He was suspended for five days, and is now forbidden from attending the prom. He seemed to take it in stride on Twitter however:
La Center High School administration is the biggest shit show joke I have ever fucking seen in my life, office run by fucking clowns I swear — Ibrahim (@DatArabKiid) April 21, 2015
He also said it "kind of felt racist" when the school suspended him but only after saying "I'm Middle Eastern, and I thought the bomb was kind of funny and clever." I'm not really sure you can make a racist joke and then claim other people are racist when you suffer actual consequences, but OK.
The administrators claimed it may have made an unsafe learning environment for other students. They were right. Here's the actual event taking place where you can hear nearly three people at the school who care about what's going on:
The most surprising part of the story? She said yes! Congrats you two. For the record: getting banned from prom is way more fun than actually attending prom. Enjoy these days while you can!
A reporter asked Mark Ruffalo questions about his body, underwear and slimming routines to make everyone uncomfortable.
The press tour for The Avengers has been kind of a train wreck this week, which was disappointing after a strong start with that drunk family feud bit everyone loved. First, there was Robert Downey Jr. getting asked bizarre irrelevant questions about prison and drug use (completely on the reporter). Then we had Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner sh*tting the bed and calling Scarlett Johansson's character Black Widow a whore during one of their interviews.
This round of weird interview questions is courtesy of Cosmopolitan, who claim they were trying to flip the script and make a man answer the sort of questions female actors get from the press all the time. What results is six minutes of pretty boring answers to boring questions from Scarlett Johannson, interspersed with Mark Ruffalo not knowing how to talk about how he got his body in shape for his Hulk panties. He keeps throwing desperate looks to Scarlett that scream, "Is this really happening?" and she tries to coach him through it. She's an expert at this point.
In the end, you just feel bad for Ruffalo, who didn't create the societal issues he's getting smacked down with. In general, I agree that double standards in media need to be addressed and changed, but I'm not sure this is the way to do it. At least he doesn't get angry! You wouldn't like him when he's angry.
Don't you wish every single movie were a reboot of The Mighty Ducks franchise? Or that you could just see more ducks on your commute to work? Jeff Wysaski has you covered once again. He's put his own duck-related spin on a whole bunch of movies that, let's face it, you were never interested in until now.
"We don't really need baseball. But baseball needs us... You lose black America, you lose young America."
Chris Rock makes some fantastic points about the waning coolness of baseball in this segment for HBO's Real Sports. And because he's Chris Rock, he manages to do something not often associated with baseball: he makes it entertaining.
I have to admit that I had no idea that black people were losing interest in "America's pastime" before seeing this. But now that I know, I psyched that I can now use "too white for me" as an excuse for not spending my afternoon watching dudes mostly stand still on a field for three hours.
The rivalry between Google and Apple has been going strong for years now. It seems like neither company can introduce a product or service without the other introducing a similar one and saying it was their idea in the first place. Considering that both of them are making obscene, unprecedented amounts of money, it seems pretty childish. But nothing could be as childish as this image.
This image, depicting the Android logo peeing on the Apple one, comes from Google Maps. Specifically, it shows an area on the outskirts of the Pakistani city of Rawalpindi. It used to be here, but Google has since taken it down. The edits were apparently made by user nitricboy, somehow slipping by Google's own moderators. A spokesman said, "We've terminated the Android figure involved in this incident, and he'll be disappearing from Google Maps shortly."
Although the image probably accurately represents how many Googlers feel, it's also a PR problem for the company. They're already having problems these days convincing the world that their "Don't be evil" motto still applies. They definitely don't need to look petty, too. And that's not even to mention the questions raised by the image. Like, what does a robot pee? Oil? That seems like an inefficient and dirty way to change its lubricating fluid. Also, why Pakistan? Is this a political thing? That would open up a whole other can of worms.
"Today, I'll show you how to make huckleberry wine in your very own toilet bowl."
So far, I have met anybody who's admitted to harboring a fetish for imagining Martha Stewart driving an artisanal shiv into another person's abdomen repeatedly until their roughly perforated entrails fall like autumnal confetti atop the lifestyle entrepreneur's elegantly simple canvas sandals, but I'm sure they're out there.
And if they're not, they will be after the upcoming season of Netflix's Orange Is the New Black, which will apparently feature a character based upon American mom's favorite ex-convict. According to Time Magazine:
While [show creator Jenji] Kohan is tight-lipped about the upcoming season of Orange Is the New Black she did reveal to Time that there will be a character inspired by Martha Stewart when the show returns June 12.
Apparently, Piper Kerman mentioned in the memoir upon which the show is based that Stewart came this close to being sent to the same prison in which she was spending a year. Unfortunately, that didn't happen, and Stewart served her five-month term in some West Virginia lock-up where no one was writing a best-selling memoir. So, we have no actual shivving anecdotes to muse upon. Sigh.
Anyway, there's no word on who will be playing the fictional Martha Stewart onscreen, but we do know that she will be southern instead of northeastern. Does anybody know if Gwyneth Paltrow's southern accent has improved since Country Strong? I feel like this might be the part she was born to play.
