I love Marvel movies. I love the action, I love the spectacle, I love the humor, I love it all. So when I saw that select theaters were putting on a “Marvel Movie Marathon" — 11 films, 28 hours, 130 oz. popcorn tub — I was very in. Like any great man, I did not stop to think about the consequences. This event would prove to be taxing on my body, mind and soul, but I think I came out of it with a better appreciation of life.
Chris Hardwick, who hosted the event, told us that this would be something we'd tell our grandkids about. Well, if you're reading this, Granbabies, know that I wrote this for you.
Here's how it went down:
5:07pm – I get out of my Uber in front of the El Capitan Theater on beautiful (disgusting) Hollywood Boulevard. As I step into line, people are already cheering. No one is pacing themselves. Conserve your energy!
5:09pm – Some costumed heroes walk by. These are not the heroes we asked for. Certainly not the heroes we deserve.
5:24pm– They're starting to let us in. I'm given my credentials and instructed to start hashtagging away. It will be my honor and privilege.
5:30pm – Everyone is strategizing. The guys in front of me in the popcorn line are talking sleep strategy specifically; you do NOT want to fall asleep during Avengers: Age of Ultron, so the big guy tells his buddy to sleep during Guardians since they've seen it. I think about jumping into the convo but realize I have nothing to add. I think about saying a playful, “Don't get ahead of yourself, boys!" but I'm not ready to make friends yet. Sometimes I wish I were friendlier.
5:41pm – I get my 130 oz. popcorn tin. They say I can refill it twice. Only time will tell if I take them up on that. I wonder how many hot dogs I will eat. I wonder if Mark Ruffalo is here.
These are my fuckin guys right here. We're all blaze #elcapmarvelmarathon
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5:45pm– I get into the theater and the costume contest is underway. A father puts a blond wig on his boy. I hope I'm a good dad like that one day.
5:47pm– This costume contest is fucking rigged.
6:01pm– At my seat, the “sleep strategy" discussion continues. Many want to sleep during Thor: The Dark World. The guys next to me are cool and offer their backup phone charger if I need it. This act of generosity leads me to believe I can trust them. Maybe I can make a few friends after all.
I've been cracking "we're all going to get to know each other really well" jokes to those around me. hope they like me #ElCapMarvelMarathon
— Jason Shapiro (@JDShapiro) April 21, 2015
6:26pm – Chris Hardwick takes the stage and intros the event. Can the audience really sustain this kind of cheering? We have dozens of hours to go. Chris brings out Kevin Feige (Godfather of the Marvel Cinematic Universe), Jon Favreau and Stan Lee and everyone loses their shit! For the first time tonight, I believe we're a part of history.
Three Nerd-Gods! At the same damn time at the same damn time at the same damn time #ElCapMarvelMarathonpic.twitter.com/R2i2Lx4zZT
— Jason Shapiro (@JDShapiro) April 21, 2015
6:43pm – The first film begins. I'm no longer worried about conserving energy; I'm just cheering my face off with all my new buddies.
Film #1: Iron Man
6:50pm– Robert Downey Jr. is effortlessly cool. I hope that someone says that about me one day.
7:00pm – I remember that I brought a change of underwear and it brings a smile to my face.
7:07pm– In the movie, there's a reference to “The 10 Rings." That is a direct comic book reference and no one cheered. What are we even here for, if not to cheer for references?
7:12pm – It's hard to imagine Tony Stark fighting space-gods, but that's just a few films away.
7:20pm - I start a clap that ripples through the whole audience when Iron Man shows up for the first time. It felt fucking awesome.
7:31pm – Jeff Bridges is the opposite of chill in this movie. I wish I brought a toothbrush.
8:08pm – Stan Lee cameo: he plays Hugh Hefner at a party.
8:20pm - One bucket of popcorn and one large Diet Coke (okay it was regular Coke but I'm embarrassed) down. They were free, so I feel like I'm playing with the House's money on this one.
8:30pm– The quiet battle for armrest space has begun. I can't be bumping elbows with these guys all night.
8:36pm - Reality starts to set in; I've got 27 more hours to go. I feel pure panic. I start to text friends, “Pray for me." I get up to find my own space.
8:40pm – Iron Man ends. I watched the end from the back of the theater, sitting against the wall. Great movie. Cameos: Stan Lee and Samuel L. Jackson (as Nick Fury). Best Line: Tony Stark ending the movie at the press conference, saying, “I am Iron Man." My critical analysis skills are still intact.
8:45pm - I'm hearing chatter like "This is gonna be easy" and less about sleep strategy. I feel like people have a false sense of confidence.
8:50pm– I roam around the lobby for a while. It smells like hot dogs everywhere.
9:01 and I'm already buggin' out #elcapmarvelmarathon
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9:08pm– As the El Capitan staff intros The Incredible Hulk, they do a prize giveaway. I never win anything. I won't set myself up for disappointment.
Film #2: The Incredible Hulk
9:09pm - We are encouraged to move around and explore the El Capitan theater. I have a feeling tonight is going to be a free-for-all. I would love to sleep through this whole movie.
9:23pm - Stan Lee cameo: he plays a guy in Milwaukee who gets gamma radiation and dies. Sad. I wonder why he agreed to that.
9:49pm– This movie is pretty moody and boring. I walk into the lobby to get a hot dog. The smells have enticed me.
9:51pm - I explore the balcony and see people already setting up makeshift beds. This is turning into the weirdest sleepover.
9:57pm– The Hulk screams a lot.
10:08pm - There's a part in the movie where Hulk kicks a guy really hard, causing him to smash into a tree like a rag doll. Huge laughs from the audience. I noticed that there were also laughs after brutal violence during Iron Man. I'll tuck this away to see if there's a trend. Another trend I'm tracking is bad guys being the reverse of good guys.
10:10pm – I'm starting to feel dehydrated so I venture back into the lobby to get water. I haven't used a drinking fountain in a while. It's like you're kissing the water.
10:16pm– Love scene time. Bruce Banner (The Hulk) can't have sex cuz he'll hulk out. The audience loves this. I do, too.
10:30pm - I can tell that the Hulk is a metaphor for something but I don't know what.
10:39pm– Whoa! I spot Michael K. Williams in one shot of the movie. It's the scene where Hulk is about to fight Abomination near the Apollo in New York. This is the first time I've ever noticed this. I Google and confirm it's him. Omar comin'!
10:42pm – Bruce Banner falls out of a plane so that he can become the Hulk. People fall/jump out of planes in Marvel movies a lot. I'll start tracking this too.
10:49pm – Maybe the metaphor is blacking out or having sex. One of those.
10:55pm – The credits are rolling. Huge shout out to second unit director Gary Capo. Great name.
11:03pm– We're getting a 20-minute break. It still smells like hot dogs, but now I welcome the smell. They have great hot dogs here at the El Capitan. 100% beef.
11:05pm - People are scoping out sleeping spots in the balcony. I'm very cold and tired. I wish I had brought blankets and a blow up mattress.
11:13pm – 4/20 is drawing to a close and I didn't partake :(. Someone next to me tells me that the Full House reunion is definitely happening. Kimmel got the exclusive. I wish I had gotten in.
11:15pm- I venture outside to get some air and see a group of people staring at a cake in a display case. I say, “When can we eat this cake?" and get some good laughs. I think I made some friends with that one. The laughs are coming easy tonight.
11:20pm– They're giving out prizes again. I said I wouldn't get my hopes up, but I really really want this Age of Ultron shirt. I believe I can win something tonight. There will be many opportunities and I just have to think positive like in “The Secret."
Film #3: Iron Man 2
11:25pm– Iron Man 2 begins, and right away I see my villain trend holding true. The bad guy in this movie is pretty much a poor, Russian Iron Man. He's like the reverse Tony with a pet bird. Birds are the most terrifying thing I can think of.
11:30pm - And the trends just keep on coming. Iron Man jumps out of a plane.* That's plane jump/fall number two for those of you tracking the trends at home.
*This scene features an AC/DC song and I think about seeing them at Coachella last weekend. I don't know what is more tiring: this marathon or the third day of Coachella.
11:45pm– There are at least three people playing Clash of Clans around me.
12:04am – I'm starting to nod off in my seat and my neck feels awful. Maybe I can just curl up under the seats for a few minutes. I think about all the feet, dirty shoes and garbage food that have been on this floor. Fuck it.
1:29am– I wake up with a start. People are cheering wildly. I get up off the floor and see Thor's hammer—this is the Iron Man 2 post-credits scene. Ah, yes. This IS the shit. Thanks for waking me up, fam.
1:45am – They hand out toothbrushes and toothpaste. This feels like a miracle.
1:49pm - People walk around the lobby, brushing their teeth. And by people, I mean me.
1:51pm– More giveaways. This time they're giving away a Thor figurine and a Deadpool hat. It really stings when I don't win.
Film #4: Thor
1:55am - Thor begins. I go back to my original seat. One of my neighbors is sleeping but the other guy is excited to see me. I wonder if he'll ease up on the armrest hogging. Unlikely.
2:15am – I take another walk to try to stay awake. A guy in a Slayer t-shirt watches the Ted 2 trailer on his phone. I stop to watch with him and he says, “Legalize Ted." I wonder if he works for Universal. Could they have undercover people here? I walk away quickly.
2:40am – I've been wandering for a while now. I see people sleeping all around and envy them. I feel like a great deal of hubris went into my planning for this. Why didn't I bring more sleep-gear?
3:11am – 311, make a wish.
3:15am– Back at my seat, my neighbor is going to town on a bucket of popcorn. We're all going to die one day. That's kind of sad.
3:20am– This kind of event seems like a good opportunity for a military dad to come surprise his kids. Wonder if anyone's thought of that.
3:23am – I've been trying to think of interesting/insightful things to say about this movie but I'm just too tired to think. All I can muster up is “THOR GOT HIS GROOVE BACK" during the part where Thor gets his powers back.
3:28am– Now I'm getting MY groove back. Let's talk about kissing in the Marvel movies. Thor and Jane Foster have a great kissing scene in this movie but based on past viewings, I feel like kissing goes down significantly in the films after this. There was some good kissing in Iron Man and some great kissing in The Incredible Hulk, but there's just not a ton of kissing post-Thor. We'll see if I'm right.
3:30pm– After the film, there's another gift for us. We can choose between a bag of Cheez-Its or a Rice Crispy treat. This is a terribly difficult decision right now. I choose the Rice Crispy treat and hope that it won't come back to bite me in the ass.
Film #5: Captain America: The First Avenger*
*I have to be honest; I have almost zero recollection of watching this film. I don't know the Stan Lee cameo, I did not track if anyone fell/jumped out of a plane and I didn't track kisses. Here's what I do remember:
4:20ish– I wake up to the villain Red Skull and scream.
5:39am – My neighbor turns to me and asks if I think we're going to see Red Skull in any more movies coming up. I smile at him and go back to sleep.
6:15am – When the film ends, I make my way into the lobby. I'm the kind of tired where you hope to God that you won't make eye contact with anyone.
6:18am – There's a guy who looks very awake interviewing people. I stand around, waiting for my fifteen minutes of fame.
6:20am – There's free cereal so everyone is chewing. The sound is enchanting. I focus on the sounds for a while and lose myself in the wonder. A girl in an Iron Man shirt spilled all over herself and takes me out of it. What's the policy on crying over someone else's spilled milk?
6:28am - The bathrooms smell like the farming area of a state fair.
6:40am – Actor/Writer Clark Gregg shows up to intro the next film and everyone is cheering again. Remember when I told them to pace themselves? Joke's on me.
Film #6: The Avengers
6:44am – I'm feeling physically and mentally drained. I feel so alone even though people surround me.
7:19am – Now the bathroom smells like a horse died in there.
7:46am– I don't really remember what it's like to not be here. This is like an episode of Black Mirror.
8:25am - Friends made: 0.
8:30am – I come out of rock bottom right as the film's big, awesome set piece starts. I get a coffee and start to get pumped up again. I might even cheer.
8:33am - So much flying happens in these movies. That's part of why I like them.
8:36am – The hero shot of the Avengers has me giddy like a sad child at a Katy Perry show.
8:44pm – All right, I'm back to tracking things. Hulk repeatedly smashing Loki got the loudest cheers of the film. That's more cheering for brutal violence.
8:48pm – I love that the Avengers aren't just teammates, they're also friends.
8:54pm - Stan Lee cameo: he's a chess-playing old man.
9:00am – The Avengers ends. People are hissing at the daylight.
9:21am – I get another double espresso and now I'm jacked. A guy working here asked what we all do for a living. I can only speak for myself when I say I mostly watch new Netflix shows and occasionally take surveys for coupons.
9:25am– They give us free water bottles. I realize I haven't had any water in hours. I need to take better care of myself. This body is all I have.
9:30am – This time during the give-away contest, I try the strategy of hoping I DON'T win. No success.
9:33pm - Screenwriter Drew Pierce comes out to intro Iron Man 3. People actually cheered for a screenwriter. Maybe there's hope for me yet!
Film #7: Iron Man 3
9:43am – The film begins with a 90s flashback. Favreau looks great. Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65 plays. I remember buying that CD at Target along with a Britney Spears CD and a Batman Beyond action figure. Cool memory.
10:05am – I walk into the lobby and stumbled upon a team meeting. I listen for a while to try to get some insider info, but I don't get anything good. One employee thinks they're all “kicking ass." They answered my prayers with a free toothbrush last night, so I'd have to agree.
10:07am– Downey Jr. is still effortlessly cool.
10:10am– The film's villain, Mandarin, said the “Big One" is coming. Whoa, if the California Big One hits while we're in here, they better still play Age of Ultron.
10:34am– A guy is using a water bottle as pillow. Do you.
#elcapmarvelmarathon update: I helped an older woman solve an issue w/her iPhone. Was a welcomed break from aliens/flying men/destruction.
— Jason Shapiro (@JDShapiro) April 21, 2015
10:41am– The hot dog smell is gone. Or maybe I've acclimated to it.
11:18am– People are falling out of planes again. I think this is number six (four?). This time, Iron Man saves civilians falling in beautiful sky dance. I start another clap when everyone is saved and it still feels fucking awesome. I wonder if my brain chemistry has changed.
11:38am– Iron Man 3 is over. A few takeaways: in the climax, Tony brings, like, dozens of suits into the fight. Why doesn't he always do this? This should be the plan from now on. I liked that Pepper Potts saved the day. We need more female ass-kickers out there. Real talk, anyone that loves and respects women is a feminist.
11:40am– They're passing out Subway sandwiches. I would be happy, but I hate tomatoes. This pisses me off, but I realize I'm the asshole here.
11:45am– A guy brought his computer to play video games. Live your truth, bro.
12:04pm - It's finally PM again! Age of Ultron happens during PM.
12:10pm - The talk of the town is that many people will be sleeping during Thor: The Dark World. I refer to this as “the town," because it truly does feel like a society is forming. There's a hierarchy based on who has won cool prizes, which area you have claimed for yourself, and armrest space.
12:27pm – They're giving out prizes again. I'm desensitized to free stuff at this point. I want more. This is my American privilege rearing its ugly head.
12:31pm– Jaimie Alexander (actress who plays Lady Sif) shows up to intro the next film and continues to give away free stuff. Everyone is way too tired to cheer; they're just begging for more gifts.
Film #8: Thor: The Dark World
12:35pm- The film begins with a Tony Hopkins voice over. He seems nice.
12:46pm– I yell, “Wooo!" when Thor is shirtless to try to get some laughs. I miss my friends and family but I'm starting to feel at home here. A guy in the balcony answers with, “Get a haircut, hippy!" and we all laugh. Camaraderie is at an all time high. We all know each other as an audience now.
12:56pm - My eyes are very heavy. The coffee is wearing off. Trying to focus.
12:57pm– My internal monologue is an argument at this point. First, I think that Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) finding the red alien stuff is convenient, but then I realize she's a scientist that's looking for this crap! I go back and forth for a while.
1:05pm– The Elf language is cool. I wonder if anyone here knows it. I try to ask my neighbor. He's asleep. I don't remember his name, but I can't ask again.
1:11pm–The shots in Asgard (Thor's home) with Natalie Portman look like Attack of the Clones. What a stupid name for a movie. The Dark World is an awesome title. You can put it on anything and it's cool. Star Trek: The Dark World.Star Wars: The Dark World. Entourage: The Dark World. See? It always works.
1:27pm– Stan Lee Cameo: he's in a mental institution and asks for his shoe back. This guy is like a chameleon; he can play anyone.
2:17pm – Ahh shit, Loki up to no good!
2:26pm– The scene after the credits is a big, wet kiss between Thor and Jane Foster. I guess kisses are still a thing in these movies, there's just less of them.
2:40pm– As we exit into the lobby, the staff reminds us for a fourth time that we'll all have to exit the building before Age of Ultron. I would remind us, too. We're an unruly, unpredictable bunch.
2:51pm– They're giving out prizes again and time feels cyclical. I feel like this exact drawing has already happened. Head is cloudy, but I feel determined to win.
2:52pm– Of course I don't win. The Gods must be laughing at me.
Film #9: Captain America: The Winter Soldier
3:07pm– I'm so tired that I can't hear or speak properly. My neighbor (the armrest hog) is trying to ask me something about Cap's shield, but I can't understand him. I give him a high-five instead.
3:10pm– More jumping out of planes. This time Captain America WILLINGLY jumps out of a plane like a badass. At least there's variety.
3:19pm– Nick Fury is on screen again and I say out loud, “What up, Fury?" Cool, I'm just talking to the screen now. I'm losing it.
3:20pm– Fury says, “I do share. I'm nice like that" in a very Pulp Fiction-y way.
3:25pm– Hot dog smell is back with a vengeance.
3:37pm– Fury screams, "Get me off the grid." That actually sounds really nice right now. I would love to just escape into nature with my loved ones and spend some time away from technology, nerds, toy give-aways and hot dogs.
3:44pm– I'm feeling shaky and annoyed that none of the other Avengers are showing up to help Captain America. Black Widow in the house, but why no one else?
3:47pm– I think I have finally overcome my fear of peeing in urinals. It is probably the sleep deprivation, but I'll take it.
Im@buggin' out a little bit #elcapmarvelmarathon (watch for the Deadpool cameo)
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4:10pm– I got back into the theater. There's a villain named Zola who lives in a computer. Now I'm thinking about the Singularity. I don't know if I want to live in a computer. How would you hold your granbabies if you're a part of the Internet?
4:20pm - 4:20 on the day after 4/20!!! This is special.
4:27pm– People scream when the name “Steven Strange" is mentioned. Everything is so, so loud. Like, way louder than yesterday.
4:32pm– I close my eyes and plug my ears.
4:39pm– Stan Lee cameo: He's a security guard that says, "I am so fired." Funny because he is essentially the boss.
5:07pm– I've forgotten what comfort is. All I know is the floor and finding places to charge my phone.
5:12pm– The film ends and we're greeted with free Chick-fil-A. I cannot describe in words how excited this makes me. As I bite into the sandwich, I know I'm going to make it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
5:40pm– More guests are here to intro Guardians of the Galaxy. We've got James Gunn (director) and Michael “The Rook" Rooker (Yondu). Everyone is cheering but cheers mean nothing to me anymore. It's been 24 hours of straight cheering. I'm also over the prizes. I no longer care or believe that I can win. Time is a flat circle.
Film #10: Guardians of the Galaxy
5:54pm– I've made it to the last movie before Age of Ultron, and I'm very restless. I can't sit too long or else I'll fall asleep. I'll just watch a few minutes and then get coffee.
5:56pm– I start tearing up a little bit at the sad beginning to the film. My emotions are getting out of control. Maybe it's all the cheering.
6:10pm - Stan Lee cameo: he plays an alien on the planet Xandar.
6:33pm– I get some coffee and then go to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I begin strategizing and timing my pees so that I don't have to get up again.
LORD GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO BE FULLY PRESENT DURING AGE OF ULTRON #elcapmarvelmarathon
— Jason Shapiro (@JDShapiro) April 22, 2015
6:42pm– I realize that this all no longer feels abnormal. I've adjusted to life in a movie theater frighteningly quickly. I have a routine. I know where my outlets are. I know the ins and outs of this theater. This is my life now.
6:46pm– The visuals in this film are incredible. I swear that if I look at one spot long enough, I'll hallucinate.
6:47pm– Peter Quill almost kisses Gamora and then she screams, “No!" My “Kissing has declined in the Marvel Cinematic Universe post-Thor" theory is holding up nicely. No romantic kissing in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, either. Just teases. If there is romantic kissing in Age of Ultron, my theory is useless.
7:01pm– I seriously have never smelled bathrooms like these. Public restrooms must get washed every five minutes or something. This is awful.
7:32pm– I start to tear up again when Groot saves his friends' lives. “We are Groot."
7:38pm– I decide I won't keep in touch with anyone I've met at this marathon.
7:43pm– Guardians is over. We're ushered out of the theater to wait in line for Age of Ultron. Last minute predictions: people will come close to kissing, but they won't. Someone will fall from a plane. Guy next to me won't move an inch on the armrest.
7:51pm– There's a minor scuffle in line between a pre-teen and a middle-aged woman. She keeps telling him to “mind his own business." I walk up to see what's going on and then realize the irony. I should mind my own business too.
7:56pm– The people in line behind me worry that Ultron sounds TOO much like James Spader. Interesting complaint. I decide I'm not going to dwell on negativity. I want to get pumped for what might be the coolest movie I'll ever see.
Film #11: Avengers: Age of Ultron
8:01pm: They're taking our phones now. Good night and good luck.
11:50pm– I get out of my Uber and run up the stairs into my apartment. I sleep for the next 14 hours, and when I wake up, it all feels like a dream. I remember bits and pieces of Age of Ultron but it all feels like a blur. I can't remember if there was any kissing, sorry. The only thing I know for sure is that I loved it. I also know that I'll no longer take comfort or easily accessible outlets for granted.
Okay, I'm done now. I'm gonna go get a hot dog.
If I could actually buy Jamie Oliver crystals, that would be my go-to wedding gift just to see which couples thought I was being serious. (via 
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